Thanks Inky,

I think half of the problem comes from me not being able to say no/ actively flirting/ seeking him out. I have also experienced this before in other relationships and I think a lot of it comes directly from the relationship I have with my dad (e.g. putting him on a pedestal, not being able to say no – for fear of rejection).

I can see objectively that this is quite an easy situation to get out of, but in the moment itself, it is very hard when emotions cloud your judgement.

I am so aware of this and wanting to get out of it, I even messaged him in the hopes it would help e.g. he would stop flirting and give me some space, but even that in hindsight was me seeking validation.

I feel powerless to these emotions.

Jackie

I should also add that part of me just wants to explore and not be tied to these emotions. I feel so stuck. But I don’t know if that’s right or wrong?

Hi Natalie,

Thank you for the advice.

I think I feel guilty because I have been so used to helping him, being the saviour etc. That in itself is operating from a negative place. He had also helped me so I guess I also felt a sense of duty to him. In many ways, it has become codependent.

I think I would be able to let this go if I was able to get his blessing (there have been a few times when I mistakingly thought he had let me go and I felt such a relief), but I realise this is not likely going to happen.

I am also aware that I feel very submissive around him and torn between strong emotions of love and hate (due to feeling trapped). I have read a lot about codependency and how these behaviours can usually be traced back to our parents. I think I have learnt to be submissive through having a dad with a temper/ but who equally was my saviour (I often turned to my dad when I felt my mum didn’t love me). So I learnt that males hold the answer/ the love I seek, and that males are the ones in control.

I feel sorry for this guy friend because I can see how similar we are (in terms of issues with our parents/ low self esteem etc.) Part of me wants to be his friend but I have blurred so many boundaries and I just don’t see a way back. I feel anger and resentment at him for not letting me go (and therefore making it worse). I feel anger and guilt at myself for not handling it better. I feel responsible for this.

Thank you for the email address, I appreciate it.

Jackie

Hi both,

Thanks for the replies. Inky, I like the idea of what you’ve suggested because time is really the only way to heal.

I have just messaged him about my anxieties about dating. I have decided to call it off because it’s not fair to him, he is very hurt and has said a final goodbye. But I kind of feel better saying it now rather than later.

I just know in my gut it wasn’t right and I do feel a sense of relief now.

I also feel really fucking sad because I did care for him (as a person) and I know how much he is hurting.

I will at least try and help myself. At least that way, some good’s come out of it.

Jackie