Dear WestCoast Gal,

I have gone through this same exact thing with my current boyfriend! About 6 months in, I started feeling there might be some things I didn’t know about him. At this point, we had just barely became “official”, and so I felt like it was plausible to deepen the relationship a bit. When I would bring this up to him though, he said he felt bad because he believed he had been deep with me and that he thought I knew him pretty well. I reflected back on myself and why I had been feeling this way, and I chalked it up to the fact that in all my past relationships, I had gotten super close super fast. This relationship was different because we had taken the time to go on dates, only see each other a couple times a week, and allow the connection to bloom on its own. So once I was actually his girlfriend, I had felt confused because in my past relationships, 6 months in, I knew all of their trauma and they knew all of mine. I realized that me not knowing absolutely everything about him in 6 months wasn’t a loss and that I should do what I had been doing up until that point: letting the relationship bloom on its own. And it worked! A year later we are best of best friends. In the last year, I gained so much knowledge about him, but in a less controlled way. Either he’d openly come to me about something, or I’d randomly ask a question that lead him to open up.

Obviously, my situation could be a lot different than yours, but I just thought I’d mention it in case you had a similar past to mine. All in all, I think most men have a hard time opening up and it’s not always necessarily because they don’t want to. It could be because they just don’t really think about things like that. As women, we will offer information about ourselves because we want to be understood, but most times men truly could care less about how people perceive them. I’d just try asking things you want to know, after a while, he’ll probably feel comfortable enough just telling you outright. If he has a hard time answering the questions you want to know, and depending on what the question is, that’s when I would begin to feel iffy.

I have not been married myself, but I was advised by my mother at 18 to keep a bank account of my own if I chose to get married one day. She told me that its purpose would, yes, be a rainy day fund if the marriage doesn’t last. Also though, it could act as a savings account for your kid for college, or it could be money that you use solely for you and your hobbies.

I can see why it may hurt your feelings that she didn’t tell you about this separate account in the first place and is now playing things cool. However, I’d advise you to just ask yourself if it really matters to you to make a big deal about it? If you’d like to talk to her, knowing you’ll feel better once you know the truth from her, then do it! If you feel like you’ll be able to move on and just accept that she was saving money on her own, then do it! Do whatever you think will ease your mind about the situation.

In my opinion there’s no reason not to save money individually in a relationship. You pay your mortgage and the things you use together, together. So use the rest of the money you earned to do what you want.

Lisa,

In my opinion, as long as it isn’t causing harm to you or him, there is nothing wrong with it. I think it’s normal to feel “wrong” for dating someone much younger or even older than you, because of the general cliche it holds in today’s society. However, it is 2020 and a lot of things have changed. We, as adults, are allowed to live our lives however we choose, so long as it doesn’t cause harm to others. So we can sleep with whomever we want to, we can talk to whomever we want to, and so on and so forth. I think it’s always best to keep your happiness at #1 priority. If you are happy and are taking care of yourself, you can then make others happy and help others to take care of themselves. There’s no way you can be happy if you live to please others.

Kylee

Honey,

Like Anita said, if you struggle with mental illness, you NEED to get that sorted out on your own before you bring outsiders into it. It is very important that you see a therapist that has been educated on how to properly communicate and sort through issues caused by mental illness. It is never your partner’s job to console your mental illness. Yes, they can rub your back and draw the tub for you when you’re feeling down, but they will never be able to “fix” the problem just by loving you. It’s possible you thought this and then got disappointed when he couldn’t help you get better. Then it continued to hurt you once he realized he didn’t need to be your white knight anymore, and stopped communication.

I would not send the letter and instead see a therapist. Tell them how you’ve been feeling, and I promise you will start to feel better. I know you say you just want your side to be known, even if it goes no where, but we all know that you’d be even more crushed not to get a reply back, or for it to just not do anything. You know what your feelings are, and that’s all that matters. Take this lesson and move forward. Tackle your mental illness with full force, so you have knowledge about how it effects you and how you can help yourself. You are still so young, and I know you probably hate to hear that because you feel like you really loved him. Maybe you did. I promise you though, in 5 years from now, you will know what love is, for yourself and for your future partners. With help from a professional, focus, and love, you will start to know how to navigate any and all relationships you have.

I think that maybe you should shift your perspective, for just a second. Have you ever considered the reason she doesn’t care to do any of those things is because she is comfortable with you? She doesn’t feel the need to have new clothes or wash off after work, because she knows that you love her for her? She probably feels that your love is so strong to the point where she doesn’t need to put in that extra effort, because you’ll love her anyway.

I would suggest letting her know that you do love her for her, but it’s safe to say, no one is turned on by poop stains. There are things I’m sure you could, and probably have, become accustomed to. There are things that you don’t want to become accustomed to. Let her know what those things are.

Maybe ask her questions that let you know why she doesn’t do these things you’d like her to do. Are you having a hard time doing laundry lately? Are we out of toilet paper? I know its somewhat passive aggressive, but it could give you insight on WHY she does these things. And if you come to find out she truly just doesn’t care, and if it’s that big of a deal for you, try moving on. It’s not a crime to want someone with good hygiene.

Dear Danny,

First of all, I want to say that it’s okay to realize you didn’t handle things the best, but don’t beat yourself up too much about it. We have all done and said things that we later realize didn’t do any good. Myself included.

I would first try to reach out to B, and ask her if she’d be willing to talk in person. Since you did hurt her, you have to consider that she may not want to talk to you and give you the chance to apologize. If she agrees, I think you should tell her essentially what you said in this forum. That you were hurt and not healed, which lead you to hurt her. Being honest is always the best way to go about things, even if it’s hard. I don’t know about you, I personally respect people for telling me how they feel even if it may hurt my ego at first.

Letting her know that you didn’t pursue her in a serious matter at first may hurt her, but it’s the truth and I’m sure she would rather be hurt by the truth and gain some closure perhaps, than to be hurt by a lie.

Speaking from experience, an ex of mine reached out a few months after we had broken up to apologize for a lot of the things that he had done to me. It felt nice to hear him say that he’s sorry and that he wished he hadn’t done or said things he did. In that certain situation though, it had only been 3 months, and I don’t believe a person could change that drastically in that time frame. It’s been over 10 months for you that you’ve been apart, and it truly seems like you’ve gained a lot of perspective on who you were then and who you’d like to be now, and that’s worth telling her.

Telling her that you’re sorry will help closure wise, it’ll ease her insecurities and anxiety, but I doubt it would make her immediately want to get back with you. You have to be very transparent about your mistakes, and tell her how you plan to change and be different this time around. You have to be completely honest about how she makes you feel and how you’ve realized that you mistreated her and the relationship. Take responsibility for how you’ve made her feel and the things you did, and she will be able to make a clearer decision about what she wants to do.

I think it’s worth noting, also, that this may take time. You aren’t going to be able to jump in where you left off. I would approach this as you’re trying to get to know her all over again. Take her on dates, call her just to say hello every once in a while, do things you would normally do in the beginning stages and try not to skip over that and get comfortable. This will make you both feel like this is a fresh start, and it won’t feel so forced.

Good luck with everything, Danny. I’m wishing you a life of happiness, whether you end up with B or not.