Thank you both for taking the time to respond.

Anita – Unfortunately, I can’t, which does leave me stuck in a bit of a hole.

Farrellsx6 – Thank you for the thoughtful response. Reading it left me feeling refreshed and hopeful. The part about boyfriends and my mom truly resonates and hits home, because s much as I hate to admit it, those are probably two of the biggest stresses in my life. I feel like I put a lot of energy into worrying about both of them, with little to show or to come from it. Being mindful and present is something I struggle with, sometimes it definitely feels like the world is so big and I don’t know how to take on the whole thing. Though, in times of peace, I realize it’s not the whole thing that needs to be taken on, just right now. I do find when I open myself to new experiences, I feel renewed and understood. I am someone who thrives from interactions and engaging with others as well as exploring and trying new things.

Anita,

Thank you for the well thought out response, it’s really appreciated.

Regarding self-discovery, I’ve found that I enjoy being independent and alone and I fear being with someone who may jeopardize that. I have found that I love meeting connecting with new people. I have found that I love trying new things, traveling, reading, etc. In the past year my life has flipped upside down, but for the best. I have changed schools and received a scholarship for my academic achievements, made wonderful new friends and traveled more places than I ever have. I have distanced myself from many old friendships that no longer served me; not because of any falling out though we had simply grown apart. I moved out of my parents house and started paying for all my own bills. Overall, I think I have grown tremendously in the last year.

Regarding my love-interest, it is probably a mix between 2,3 & 6. There is obviously some underlying issues on his part, something that has made him feel the need to be overly close and obsessive – I have never had someone be so persistent with me, and part of me wonders why. Does he really care about me that I am worth the chase? (figuratively, not in the car… bad joke.) Maybe the fact that I feel numb and everything with him is so over the top and dramatic is appealing, even if it is hurting me. I never know what I am going to get with him. Most of all, I think I do deserve the treatment. Though I never gave him a reason to treat me this way, I think I set enough boundaries that maybe that startled him or gave him the wrong idea. Maybe I was unclear as to what I wanted or wasn’t confident enough to stand up for myself so he thought it was okay to treat me the way he did. Partially, I feel like I should have tried harder, but then at the same time, this was only a very VERY short period of time. It shouldn’t have been so complicated so early, right? My mom was emotionally abusive; I am an only child who still sees a therapist to process her and I’s relationship. Though it is not diagnosed, I believe my mom is a narcissist; she ignored me when she was mad at me and would isolate and alienate me for days. Her punishments were extreme and humiliating, for example, once I was dancing on the coffee table and broke it (I was probably 11-12ish) and she was so mad that she grounded me from the furniture. This entailed me sleeping on the floor and sitting in a laundry basket with a blanket while my friends were over. My mom took huge pride in her punishments of me and would often tell my friends, their parents, my teachers, etc. about them. I often felt belittled and humiliated by her treatment. She ignores me behind closed doors but talks about me endlessly in public – it is very difficult for me to process and something I still struggle with.