That’s a big fly in the ice cream indeed! The problem is that I hung out with her waaaaay too long. As I said I’m unexperienced and I really didn’t know how it gonna evolve. I really thought that I will pass this phase and my affection will turn into “just friendship”. But it didn’t. Instead of that my affection has grown to enormous size, it was like a flame consuming my soul and I couldn’t help it. It was like a highly addictive drug – like a junkie I used to say everyday: “Just one last hit and I will let it go” But the more I ventured into her, the more addicted I became…

Simultanously I was thinking about their relationship. I was imaginating their first date while they still were kids, their first kiss, first holiday together, and who knows… maybe they knew each other long before they became couple? Entire childhood together? Maybe they were watching cartoons together, climbing trees during summertime on countryside, riding bikes with other kids in the neighbourhood… All those thoughts scream how deep and intense is that relationship, something far beyond my perception.. Real love based on years of friendship, based on trust.. like a flame which maybe lost its fierce power but burns steadily and is regulary fueled up by unlimited resources of firestarter so there is no single asshole in this world who can extinguish it (not that i tried…)

All of those thoughts make me feel so f*ckin lonely that I want break down and cry. Even when I finally find someone in my life how long it gonna take to build such a solid, powerful love? Love which is not like a spark in the haystack which burns wildly but burns out quickly. But love which is like a flame in a gas lamp – regular and controlled but unstoppable becouse its fueled up by unlimited resources of oil…

Another thing is that I cannot even look at any other girl. Just like they were transparent. I see only one. I can hardly withstand desire to find her again. Somewhere in my heart I hate myself for loving her. I try to forgive myself but part of my soul screams that I’m a scumbag becouse I desire someone who’s not meant to be in my life.

I have no idea how to win that struggle. I live in a prison which I build for myself. I’m a hostage of my affection. And I don’t know how to get my life back…