Hey. I apologize, for the length of this response. This is my first time using the forum. I am twenty years old right now. I agree with Anita that the problem starts in the childhood. I lived away from my father in a different country because he could not get the visa to visit me. I could not go back either. I lived with my uncle in most of my life. His family made me feel like an outcast. I was always made fun of, and the safety that father provides was missing. I had/still have low self-confidence (work in progress). I always missed my father. Plus, all of the other relatives made me feel like I am nobody, I have now worth. I was living at the mercy of my uncle. It may seem exaggerating but at times, I felt like his slave. Although my mom lived with my uncle too, she was always working for him.I was working for him too for living expenses. I never got to spend time with my mom. High school was really bad because I never enjoyed myself, and didn’t talk to people. I wish I did. All I did was work and study. I always missed a close knit family to go back to. After high school, I moved away to New York. It was one of the best things I did. Although its still hard. Paying for college and paying for your expenses yourself, its better than being at someone’s mercy. Today, I face inner self all the time. Those experiences in childhood make me feel inadequate still, however I am fighting it. I feel lost usually too! I feel even more lost when I find people who had a better childhood and and at least get to go back to their family during holidays. I have not done that forever. This gets hard to deal with because the cycle of being lost keeps happening. We are in the same boat, especially those who are trying to build career and life themselves, without many resources. But, once you make it, you will be King/Queen of the world!! The following is my journal entry: It may seem repetitive. (Please let me know of your thoughts)
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Usually, I feel directionless. I have not seen my family in forever. Life seems boring. Same routine. I feel like something is missing in me. I get happy and be grateful, but there is something, like a bridge missing inside of me. I don’t know what it is, but it kills me when I am down. When I am down, it makes me feel like why am I doing what i do, why do people do what they do. What am I supposed to do in life? I guess that my sense of belonging is missing. I push hard to continue in my down time, but even when I am happy, this missing link bothers me. I go to school, and know I am making into a good career, but why do I think so much. I just think of life a lot. Why can’t I just do things that I need do do and not think about my life too deeply. This weird feeling makes me feel very alone. I don’t know what to do about it. Why can’t I just live life of a party and work hard in school instead of thinking of life. I don’t mind thinking about life goals, and making plans, but I am like always thinking, and analyzing my life. This prolonged process with that missing link is eating me inside, and I ma less able to see my surroundings. During my downtime at work, I always get into my head and that inner critic gets me to the rock bottom. I talk to my mom, and she always says the same thing. It’s okay, we will be together again, till then focus on studies. How can I do so, when something is taking my energy, psychologically.