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March 24, 2014 at 8:06 pm in reply to: Im ready to make a stand against depression. Dont know how.. #53499
AlParticipantCharles,
I am unsure how much help I can offer but I will attempt.
It is definitely difficult to find (positive) direction without the proper influences; especially so in today’s society where information quantity is more important than quality. Now, please forgive me if I am judging, but your writing style indicates that your thought processes are quite frenzied. Again, I apologize if I am wrong. In any case, and if I should be correct, when one seeks help it is important to be open minded and to thoroughly contemplate any advice, answers and/or suggestions we are given. If we simply neglect these things, believing them to be ‘nonsense’ according to our own logic, then change will never occur and growth will never transpire. With this said, first and foremost I believe you should try to calm your minds as best as you can. When we find our minds to be overly cluttered it is necessary to sometimes ‘reset’ in order to begin the process of restructuring our thoughts so we may come to more wholesome answers. As a beginner, do not think you will be able to achieve this on your first few attempts. Similar to a smoker trying to quit, it may take a number of tries. At first, try to empty your mind for a minute. Gradually, over the coming days/weeks, continue until you can achieve 10 minutes. This exercise is simply meant to help calm you but also increase your focus. Anymore than that, I believe, is unnecessary.
Secondly, this may come too easy (and cheap) for an answer but perhaps you may really need to look into religions. If you disregard the arguments of creation and existence of deities, you will find that religions are truly about healthy direction; that which you seek. Personally, I am a Taoist. I find absolute belief in ‘living in the middle’, as Taoism teaches. However, all religions, in their own form, offers this teaching of how to live in the ‘in-between’ and also has the capacity of revealing our aim in life. It is not necessarily just about believing if God exists, or Allah, or Vrishnu, or Buddha, etc… At it’s core, religions contain highly fundamental teachings to guide us with. I hope you will keep an open mind to this.
Lastly, as I often state to the members in these forums, never seek for quick and easy answers. Similarly to when you are caring for a plant, we must constantly nurture ourselves over long periods of time before we can blossom. Also, important things should always be done with care, don’t you think? Your life is important to you. It is proven by your seeking of help. And, your journey to betterment began exactly when you decided to post. You have improved already. 🙂
I hope this poor advice will be of help to you. If not, I am sure other members will come to contribute.
Al
ps: I apologize if I have made any grammatical errors.
AlParticipantRideeta,
I am deeply sorry for all the difficulties you are experiencing. I commend you for seeking advice to help better your situation.
When it comes to (all) experiences, it is important to understand that they happen to offer us a lesson. It is also important to understand that lessons are never ending. Regardless of our age we will always come to encounter and experience new things, in turn, teaching us something new. With this said, it is to be understood that we will never have all the answers and will forever remain children (innocent/pure) . Accepting this will greatly help our mental state and spiritual being. Everyone is subject to this, including your parents. The mistakes they make are there to teach them a lesson. Sometimes, yes, these mistakes create dire consequences and some that are irreversible. This is why we must practice mindfulness of ourselves (thoughts+actions) and of others in order to eliminate/limit any harm we may cause. And yet, we must also find acceptance in making mistakes for sometimes we are meant to make them in order to help us grow.
As far as your motivation goes, it is understandable to be mentally, physically and spiritually drained from the ordeal you have had to struggle through for the last couple of years. You were in an environment where certain habits were formed. And, as habits go, they are difficult to break from. Perhaps, as all of our predicaments are constantly changing, the habits which once helped you are no longer and are disabling you from moving forward both physically and mentally. Take time to recognize those that are unhealthy and those that are useful. Use deep understanding and reasoning to help you keep those you deem are necessary and eliminate those you believe you no longer need. It will take a lot of effort but I sense that you are quite a capable individual and will perform extravagantly. Also, you are still tenderly young. You are going to encounter a near limitless more experiences therefore do not yet fret on not having a hobby or having no friends. These things will come if you seek them just as answers will come when you seek them.
To move on, take what you’ve learned from the last four years and apply it to your future. To not reflect upon your experiences and not acting on them is a wrong course of action. Doing nothing will not help you grow and develop into a better human being. If you want to ‘bounce back’, you must put in the effort for the reasons you wish to seek your peace and happiness. If you have something you find worthy of working hard towards for then do not hesitate. And if you don’t, again, do not fret. We are not meant to all know what our pursuit is (in our youth). In order to do so, we must explore, experience, experiment and discover. At the moment, your capabilities of doing so are limited but you will eventually have the means to soon. However, this does not meant that you should do everything all at once. A little here and there is all you need. Eventually, something you are exposed to may resonate within you and will show you your path. Until then, do not lose hope nor faith. Look forward to the beauty in the years to come for your current predicament, like all things, is impermanent and will one day change.
Your friend,
Al
ps: if I have made any grammatical errors, I deeply apologize.
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This reply was modified 10 years, 8 months ago by
Al.
AlParticipantEJ,
I have to agree with The Ruminant.
Osho, a great spiritual teacher, said ‘If you suffer it is because of you, if you are blissful it is because of you. No one else is responsible – only you and you alone. You are your hell and your heaven.’
Your perceptions are what cause you to react and how. And your concept of beauty deeply saddens me. Surely you, too, have witnessed that even the ‘beautiful, handsome, rich and powerful’ suffer. You also forget that not all us believe physical beauty to be the main deciding factor in finding a partner. Though I have been told to be ‘handsome’ on a number of occasions and have been pursued by a few women (considered to be ‘beautiful’ according to society’s standards), I have overlooked each one of them for something that I find to be more attractive. For example, my interest at the moment is an ‘average’ looking girl whom, however, radiates with charisma. When I see her I do not see the pretty face everyone wishes for, nor the ‘perfect’ body many of us believe to be ideal, nor the status of a fully established independent woman. What I see instead is the shining aura she emits from having an open heart, a beautifully positive attitude and the way she smiles from within.
Also, ‘beauty’ is impermanent, as all things are. Age withers us. A ‘beautiful’ couple will grow old and no longer be attractive. And yet, you will find their love retained. Why is that? Because they’ve learned to see with their hearts. As you must.
EJ, it is not too late. I hope that despite all the sufferings you’ve gone through that you will find the strength from the many posts and release the beautiful being who is dying to be freed from inside of you. She exists. She is You. Let yourself be immersed in the happiness you’ve withheld from yourself.
Al
AlParticipantAlex,
You are a liberated mind. I am delighted that you posted.
Conforming to the ‘plan’ of our respective societies (though they are basically all one and the same) is a great objection of mine. I must apologize here for I will have very little to offer you (as is the case when I answer other posts).
I fully agree with your last sentence. Your goal, your dream, your meaning is what you must now strive to work towards. You must now utilize everything at your disposal (mainly your brain) in order to obtain what you seek. The difference between those that find happiness and those that don’t is the effort they put in. I hope you continue to strive on and tackle all difficulties that will surely come your way for no goal is ever reached without a mountain to climb above of it.
As for advice, while retaining the goal is important remember that the journey there, too, is just as so. Do not condemn all other experiences, even the small ones, on your way to your goals for all that you undergo will give you a valuable lesson to absorb.
With this said, as another fellow human being I wish you nothing but the best on your journey.
Good Luck!
Al
AlParticipantAmanda,
– “I just feel so lost in this world and my being just doesn’t fit in.” –
You just reverberated how many individuals feel on these forums and on this planet. And yet, are you supposed to know exactly where you are (internally + externally)? Is anyone? Who truly belongs here? Who has the right? Why are there some who are ‘more worthy’ of being here and some ‘less’? What is ‘more or less worthy’? Why am I, a simpleton, alive? Nihilist thoughts aren’t entirely wrong, nor are they entirely right. Buddhist views aren’t entirely wrong, nor are they entirely right. Islamist teachings, Hindu, Sikh, Taoist, Christian, etc…, none of them are entirely wrong but nor are they entirely right. But then again, who am I to say so?
I’ve just proven with the above paragraph that we will never know for sure what is right and what is wrong. We are not meant to know everything. None of us ever will. Knowledge is infinite. Hence, the uncertainties you feel are all correct which is why it is detrimental for us to go and discover ourselves by experiencing, experimenting and exploring. Only once we’ve ‘seasoned’ ourselves will we find what it is that gives us meaning in our lives and the where, why, what, when and how to seek our happiness.
Also, do your best to be at ease. Answers may not come right away but they will eventually, especially if you continue to seek for them. In the meantime, keep reiterating the things you love and what makes them important to you. Sometimes, this may be all it takes to find what you’re looking for.
Good Luck,
Al
AlParticipantBellyButton,
Insecurity is the result of low self-esteem, as you well know. Perhaps that is what you truly need to tackle. When we feel this way we tend to criticize everything in and around us, further adding to the jar of chaos inside of us, creating imbalance within ourselves. Countering this will require time, practice but most importantly effort.
Learn to understand that no matter what we may appear like on the outside, that we are all beings who possess some form of suffering. In this realization, we are all connected. Learn to feel that a complete stranger suffers similar, or worse, difficulties than you do. When you come to instinctively see everyone in this way, harmony will find its way within your heart and you will be able to effortlessly connect with others.
It’s very likely that your boyfriend is another being like you and me: on a continuous journey to further understand and better ourselves. Therefore, please do not idolize or idealize him. If you simply treat him with the care you would like to treat another human being with, you will find that there is a unity and bond that can never be severed.
Best Regards,
Al
AlParticipantIcy,
There are certain questions you can ask yourself to help keep your rage and anger under control (and perhaps eliminate it once and for all, as it did for me). For example, what has rage ever done to help improve my life? What has rage and anger ever solve? Has my life improved because of anger? Will my anger promote the sound life I wish for? Will rage help me reach my goals? Will it be necessary for my future?
I understand you may have an extreme case for it. However, feel some ease in knowing that you are attempting to abolish it. It means you truly want better for yourself. I commend you for this.
In addition, understanding and accepting that nothing in life is ‘in our control’ will greatly help. Such thinking is an illusion. Nothing is ever truly in our grasp. There are too many uncontrollable forces at work. We may only ever try.
I hope this will help. Also, do not feel discouraged if you still display occasional bouts. Think of it similarly to a smoker who is trying to quit. It is impossible to instantly eliminate the habit. We must go at a pace with which simply results in progress, no matter how little. Hence, do not give up.
Good luck,
Al
AlParticipantDear Danielle,
I am sincerely sorry for all that you’ve suffered and are still suffering.
It is extremely difficult to have direction when we do not have a figure, mentor, and in your case, parents, to guide us. What are we supposed to know aside from what society teaches us? Indeed, it is difficult to tell unless we are given proper instructions.
To help you understand your parent’s conditions and situations and perhaps obtain empathy, please know that no matter how smart or ‘enlightened’ we may seem or are, we will never have all the answers nor ever will. There is so much information poured onto us nowadays, especially so in today’s global society, that we tend to confuse quantity with quality. What is the point of being smart if we do not know how to apply it in a way that will give our lives meaning? It’s also possible that this overwhelming flood of information can cause us to no longer make sense of things. Understanding this will help us what we feel we need to retain and what we need to release and overlook. This also helps us keep compassion at those who are more insensitive and less understanding.
Despite your upbringing, I am very glad that to know that you did not fall into a destructive path, though this statement can be debated. Your description of college life is also accurate. Such is the life of (some) of those who continue with their education. The reason many of these individuals endure are due to their vision of their goals. In the long run, they may see having a college education as something significant to their lives and for their futures. Also, know that while some (like you) have no choice in the hours of labor they must put in (in + our of school) to pay their bills, there are those who choose this much more difficult path of their own accord; perhaps as something they must prove to themselves. Regardless of the reasons, I hope this commonality can bring you some peace and strength in continuing your studies.
As for what you should do in life, only with your continued experiences will you know. As you continue to dwell upon certain thoughts and matters, as you continue to be exposed to everyday new things, as you continue to have interactions and simply go about your everyday goings will you be able to find an answer. Searching for our passion is, I believe, one of our goals. Therefore, please do not overly worry of being unsure of what it is you wish to pursue since we are not supposed to know in the first place.
Lastly, even though you’re unsure of many things at the moment, do not give up. The fact that you are seeking help on this forum proves that you desire happiness. And happiness cannot be obtained unless it is sought. If you continue to seek it, you will eventually find it. So stay strong for there is no materialization without first putting in the work.
Al
AlParticipantThere are many triggers to depression. I believe the largest one is that society (especially western society) emphasizes too heavily on financial and career development in our youth with very little being mental and spiritual. We are carried by this tide and find ourselves washed ashore on an unknown island full of things we fear and do not understand. Because we’ve been so unprepared, the stress we amass from having no grasp of ourselves and surrounding overwhelms and numbs us, resulting in depression.
My advice for you is to reset and to redevelop yourself. Slowly take the time to find what you love and enjoy to do. Find what is important, what you find has value, find what makes you happy and find what is worth giving your all to. Don’t rush, because this is important. We never rush important things. Also, baby steps. You do not have to do everything at once. Trying is already a great first step.
Concentrate on this the best you can. Depression is something that we must mostly battle by ourselves. It is our own will, not others’, that will help us. Remember, happiness is obtained only if we desire it.
Warm Regards,
Al
AlParticipantAmanda,
You have my sympathy for all the difficulties you’ve encountered. I am glad to know that you’ve decided to no longer be held back by any of it.
When it comes to identity, I will tell you what I’ve told other members who have posted similarly: explore, experience, experiment and discover. What we are exposed helps determine our identity. You are still tenderly young. Society may state that you are supposed to know what you are by now but take care in believing anything society says. Truly, you are exactly where you are supposed to be. With this said, you are supposed to find your path (and all of yourself) exactly when you are meant to.
Another thing I tell members: do not rush. Life is too important. And when something is important we take good care of it. A big mistake is to compare ourselves with others. A big mistake. Your journey and theirs are entirely different. Also, while possible that their lives may appear ‘positive’ on the outside, it may be quite the opposite on the inside; though not always true. The important thing is to focus on yourself and your (spiritual and mental) needs. How will you ever improve and develop if all you do is compare? 😉
As for the shift in your behavior depending on company, simply remain compassionate in the sense that these beings are just as you: imperfect and striving to also further develop themselves. It’s highly possible that they are struggling just as you. If you act and speak with care, you will find socializing to be easy.
I hope this helps.
Good luck,
Al
AlParticipantRebecca,
You created a lie to be ‘seen’ and are now suffering the mental and spiritual consequences because of it. The beautiful thing about life, however, is that we will always possess the power to redeem ourselves. The most important thing when making mistakes is to recognize them and act accordingly as to bring harmony back into our lives. Perhaps making a list of all that you feel is damaged in and around you may help. Take turns working on these items one at a time (if you’re unsure) and also slowly. As I often tell other members, we do not have all the answers nor will we ever so do not feel that you will be able to fix anything within a short period of time. Like all things that we love and care for, we nurture on a long term basis and so adopt this mentality when working on your list. Also, the speed of your mending will depend on many (uncontrollable) factors. Accepting this will greatly help you.
As far as trusting people go, I personally believe you are not entirely incorrect. I am a Taoist and fully understand that both good and bad (or less-good, as I prefer) people exist. What helps is knowing that these beings are exactly as I am: imperfect, all-unknowing and tending to their own journeys. With this train of thought, or even truth, it becomes easier to communicate as we share a commonality. This may also help you stop your trend of criticizing others.
Lastly, know that it is perfectly fine to take it easy. You are not in a competition or a race. If you live your life for you, and no one else, you will find a lot of beautiful things will materialize.
Warm Regards,
Al
AlParticipantKim,
Please give us more details as to what the cause of your anxiety and depression is. Doing so may help us in giving you more direct help and advice.
AlParticipantJulia,
I’m unsure how much help I can provide but I will try my best.
First and foremost, I am sincerely sorry for the suffering you are enduring and I commend you for seeking help and advice. No home should ever hold an environment where ‘regular fights’ occur. I am sorry that you should be constantly exposed to this. Perhaps understanding the reasons why these fights occur may help provide you with some strength and ease. Though the reasons may be many here is one that may be most fitting: in a society that rushes us to become adults and become a part of the ‘work force’ to keep the economy going, it’s highly possible that some of us may have never pondered upon the values necessary that foster positivity within ourselves and our surroundings. Often times, we are pushed so hard with the notion from society (and other forces) to finish high school, find a major, find a career, buy a car, become independent, find a spouse, buy a house, raise a family that we overlook what it is we truly need. When this happens and we are exposed to scenarios where anything materialistic is of no help, we do not know how to react. The frustration builds up and eventually explodes.
What I’ve described may not be the case. The behavior they display, however, seems to suggest otherwise. In general, and I apologize for the assumption, individuals whom exhibit such behavior are result of poor self-reflection and understanding. Please do not be upset with these individuals. There is a high chance that they may have never been directed in these manners nor had the proper tools or teachers to do so, among other things. Simply put, none of us truly know what we are doing in life. With this said, no one truly know ‘how to act’ in life. We go only by the experiences we’ve had, what we’ve learned and what we choose to apply. In this sense, we are all innocent; such as your loved ones are. Therefore it is important that you stay compassionate towards them. Perhaps one day (maybe even through your own behavior of goodwill) they will see their actions and act accordingly to rectify them.
In the meantime, do your best to stay strong and definitely do occupy yourself with all of the important things to your future for one day you will leave your nest, as you well know, and have your turn at the limitless experiences.
Regards,
Al
ps: I apologize for any grammatical errors I may have made.
AlParticipantAnnie,
You make me smile. 🙂 I do not have specific advice to offer you however I hope I can help in easing some of your suffering.
Firstly, please learn to accept that you are exactly where you are supposed to be. Every single experience you will encounter, both the good and the bad, will result in a lesson learned in turn helping you become a better human being. Hence, you never really lose. Also, hardships/challenges are a constant. They will continue to appear because they are necessary for our development. When they come, do not stress for it will not help your situation. When faced with a problem do we not usually try to solve it? *hint. Understanding and keeping the mentality that we are exactly where we’re supposed to be and accepting of continuous challenges will help keep us calm.
Secondly, please understand that even as adults (and especially so) we do not and never will have all the answers for everything nor are we supposed to. We do not know what the ‘right’ decisions are, we do not know if performing certain acts will yield positive results for ourselves, we do not know if picking a certain major is right for us and our future and we cannot know if any decisions we make will result in obtaining the best life imaginable for us. Any beliefs that we are certainly positive is an illusion. The only thing we can do and ever truly do is try for life is an entire experiment and experience.
Thirdly, please come to learn that there is no such thing as fear. Fear is an illusion created when we move out of our comfort zone. Instead, do your best to feel excited that a challenge (or lesson) has come to help you grow further. While not all (spontaneous) event is welcomed, it’s important to try and keep positive.
Lastly, please know that answers come when they are supposed to. A bit philosophical, yes, nevertheless, true. This can mean a number of things. Perhaps you are meant to have immediate answers for certain occasions or perhaps you are meant to learn a few more ‘lessons’ prior to you finding answers. With this said, be patient and continue to search when answers do not come outright. In the end, they always do.
I hope you will find some ease with this poor advice. It may also help to adopt a new mentality of life. A popular one is to simply see it as an adventure. Likewise, as most adventures go, they are not without both their good and bad moments. Nevertheless, the adventure continues. It’s up to you to decide the ending. So please, have some fun. Don’t let the negative experiences keep you down. Don’t rush for you’ll get where you are supposed to be when you are supposed to. Simply enjoy your journey.
Namaste,
Al
ps: I apologize for any grammatical errors.
AlParticipantYour comment ‘I feel like a big failure’ suggests that you compare yourself to others in your successes and in general. If that is the case: don’t. We all each have our own journeys to tend to therefore there is no reason to compare ours to others’. Your parents were not meant to walk in your shoes and you in theirs, your friends were not meant to either, nor your siblings, your teachers, your neighbor, a fellow shopper at the store, your co-worker, etc… The path you walk is for you alone and you alone to uncover. Realize and accept this to find a great amount of peace within yourself.
Also, I sense that you feel stuck (I apologize if this is obvious). If so, I will tell you what I tell other members who seek advice: explore, experiment and discover. How will you know where to walk if you do not expose yourself to new experiences/philosophies? When lost (physically), we do not simply idly sit and believe an exit will suddenly appear. No, we wander in fear, but with purpose, to find an exit. You, too, must now wander (spiritually, perhaps) and expose yourself to various endeavors to an eventual path.
It is also greatly important to stay open minded in the above mentioned venture. If you think of the foods you enjoy best you will find that you did not simply settle with 2 or 3 items. Indeed, I am sure that you enjoy quite the variety. Additionally, I am sure that you did not come to love some of those food without giving them a few attempts. You must do so similarly in life to ascertain your beliefs.
Understanding that we do not have all the answers nor ever will also helps. Hence, be comfortable with this and let the burden of believing you should ‘have more to currently show in your life’ fall right off your shoulders for it is such a needless burden to carry. 🙂 Understanding this will garner much peace within yourself.
Lastly, here are some of my own creeds that may help you in feeling more wholesome: baby steps in new undertakings are perfectly fine, numerous small acts are just as capable as a few grand gestures and be present (or do your best to be) in even the smallest ventures (ex: washing dishes, ironing, walking through a store, etc…) Applying these views to your life may help you. And remember: the pace does not matter; going slow is better than not moving at all.
Best Regards,
Al -
This reply was modified 10 years, 8 months ago by
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 