Hayley,

Thank you for the support you’ve given your mother in her times of difficulties. Your actions inspire me. I hope the two of you will remain always loving of one another.

While I am no financial guru, perhaps it is best to talk to a debt/credit counselor about your debts. According to what I know, they are a free service and will offer you the best advice/route to clean up both of your finances. As to sources where they can be found, I’m afraid I am of little help. The internet may prove fruitful in this endeavor. However, I will advise on not giving away any personal + banking information if immediately asked for it (online). We have to be wary of the many scammers/scammer institutions that parade the internet. Perhaps finding a local institute where you can schedule for a face to face may be best. Checking the Better Business Bureau will also confirm of an organization’s credibility. Also, it may not hurt to ask your local bank if they provide/offer such services, of course (and please check if they offer these services free of charge).

As for your well-being, do your best to not overly fret. Difficulties will always arise. If it helps, try to see them as lessons. And, as lessons go, they are meant to teach us what we need to help us in our endeavors (in this case: life). I understand that this may be difficult. However, changing your perceptions may help you. For example, a view I’ve come to adopt comes from the Dalai Lama: If there is an answer to a problem, then there is no need to worry because something can be done. If there is no answer to a problem then also there is no need to worry because nothing can be done therefore worrying becomes pointless. His words regarding problems rings absolute truth (to me, at least). Perhaps adopting this view yourself may help. As for your happiness, again, it also has to do with perception. While some people may be sad that it is raining, others are enjoying themselves under it. Despite all of your difficulties, do you believe you no longer possess the ability to do/chase the things that can make you happy? Do you believe your smile and laughter are fully contained? It isn’t wrong to try and make others happy. However, to laugh alongside others when our own hearts are filled with joy amplifies the sensation and adds/builds the correct elements within our beings that are necessary to strengthen and maintain a positive and optimistic mind. To do the opposite, however, would feed the counter-side and result in us leading a (more) destructive life.

The future is always unpredictable, as it’s supposed to be. Don’t fear what you can’t control. Else, you will miss out on all of the beauty you can share with the people you love. Going forward on an adventure hand in hand, does that not sound more fun?

I hope this helps and please forgive me for any grammatical mistakes I have most likely made in long replies. Namaste to you and your mother!

Al

ps: remember that a rainbow always emerges after the rain!

Jobebe,

I am sorry for the atrocities you and your sisters suffered. No one should ever have to experience such experiences. I am glad, however, that counseling helped you bounce back.

The ‘now-and-again low feeling’ is quite normal. It is something we all experience. Harmony is something that requires a number of efforts to maintain. One of my teachers explained to me that it is because we lack a solid ‘life foundation’. Because we do not have (a) strong reason(s) or understanding(s) to maintain a positive outlook, our fortitude assuredly and ultimately fluctuates. He explained that we need an infinite power source to tap into; something that isn’t a ‘battery’ (which dies and requires repurchasing/recharging). As to what this source can be, it will vary for everyone. Personally, my power source is ‘the experience which is life’. Yes, quite corny, I will admit. However, I would find it too much of a shame to waste my life sulking or complaining or melancholic or despondent or anguished or miserable, etc….., when I’ve a life and a world to experience with my entire being. And, while true that life doesn’t only deal in positive experiences, if we come to the comprehension that negative experiences carry lessons to instill us with necessary wisdom, we then find that there is truly very little, or nothing at all, to shatter our foundations. I hope that in time you will find yours. And please do not feel dismayed if you have difficulty in establishing one. For, in fact, such a task should. Finding a creed, an absolute belief, should not be like going to the mall to buy a pair of shoes (though even I find that simple task to sometimes be overwhelming).

As for your boyfriend, I am sad to find that he shuns you when you refuse him his needs. I find his actions to be quite selfish. And by no means does this make you not ‘ideal’, therefore, be kinder to yourself and let go of this wrong notion. A woman should not make herself readily available at the random whims of a man. You are, after all, your own human being with your own beliefs, feelings and philosophies. I hope he can come to one day be of more understanding.

For your crossroad, it is understandable to feel at a loss. For, indeed, are we truly supposed to know our path? Our aim? The thing(s) we’re supposed to fall in love with? Additionally, when it comes to discovery, do you believe you’re at an impasse? Why, I’m quite sure that you’ve all the tools you need to explore and discover other wonders and passions that this world has to offer. Hence, do not overly grieve at being unable to do ‘one’ thing, for, if you open your eyes, mind and heart, you’ll perceive that you’ve the beautiful prospect of pursuing a ‘nearly endless’ other possible interests. Does not an adventure with multiple paths sound much more endearing?

I hope this helps and please excuse any grammatical errors I tend to make in long posts. We’ll be here for you should you need any more/other help. Namaste!

Al

Anna,

You are an extremely beautiful being. I hope it inspires others on here who are going through their own difficulties to move forward and stay the course. Thank you for posting your struggles.

One of my (Buddhist) teachers once said that we cannot change the karma of others, and yet, if all phenomena (events) are interdependent (or mutually needed for a cause & effect), how is his statement true? In simpler terms, he states that we cannot influence the lives of others. If this were true, Buddhism does not need to be taught nor exist. But then again, perhaps there is something I’ve failed to understand. I am, after all, still quite the novice. My point is, in addition to my disagreement with my teacher’s claim, I believe we definitely possess the ability to influence others, to clear their eyes, to open their hearts, to introduce new/other views which may cause a shift in their beliefs and actions. At least, to my understanding, this is what the Buddha has taught me to do.

Cesar Millan, the Dog Whisperer, (if you’ve ever watched his show) always mentions energy. He remarks that how we carry ourselves both internally and externally plays a huge role in the behavior of our dogs. While I do not mean to group humans with dogs, there is no doubt that we operate in the same way. For example, we find ourselves to be much more calm around peaceful people. We enjoy their presence and their beings do not disturb our mind. We feel at ease around them. The same can be said of people/environments/situations of other traits. Energy proves to be an immense impact on our beings. And, thankfully, despite the environment you grew up in, you matured into a more orderly and enlightened person. Hence, you (unknowingly) cultivated the right energy which you can now share with/to help others. How beautiful! On a negative note, however, because you grew to be more enlightened, selfless and caring of others I am unfortunate to say that your karma demands you bring order back into your life to reclaim your harmony. In this sense, obtaining a more understanding mind can be a curse. Nevertheless, as the title of your posts suggests, it is all ‘perception’. If you continue to seek and harness further understanding by the various spiritual, secular or other teachings offered, this ‘burden’ can definitely come to be labeled and perceived differently. In fact, your situation (and all other future situations) can come to be viewed and accepted as ‘just another chance for Anna to help someone/something turn beautiful’. Your kind, altruistic and loving nature will grant you the fortitude throughout it all. Also, this community filled with beautiful beings will always be here to help should you need a ‘pick-me-up’.

As for how to wield this energy, because of the damage your parents and family have sustained over time, it will have to be small in the beginning. Although great changes can occur in short amounts of time, they are rare and should not be expected. Concentrate only on progress, not ‘end results’. Around your parents, do your best to wield a positive energy/aura; this means your composure, your trains of thoughts, your actions and your dialogues. Consider at first cultivating more ‘loving speech’. Words of care and consideration are always welcomed. A simple ‘good morning’ expresses much, if you are making a snack ask if they would like some, when leaving the house, a small ‘I’ll see you in a bit’ speaks volumes. And, slowly, as comfort and energy expands altogether, begin to widen your love further. Try praising of one of your mother’s beautiful characteristics such as her hair, compliment an article of clothing your father is wearing, ask your mother to accompany you when you’re shopping (for anything), buy a healthcare product for either of your parents expressing your worries for their health, etc….Smile often, giggle, laugh enthusiastically even and joke around. Perform numerous small loving acts, while including your siblings in both the giving and receiving, until a possible more open relationship develops where you can share and express your entire love and being without any fear. Do these things and all-around change will definitely occur, hopefully all of it positive. Also, I must stress that although this can be seen/labeled as manipulative, it is the intent and the nature that holds true significance as it is the factor in generating order or chaos to our minds and lives. Performing deeds only for one’s sake is selfish and will only garner discord within us and lead us to lead destructive lives. This is why I assert that you must perform these acts with love, nothing but love, for your family. But, be at ease for fortunately it seems that giving love comes easy for you. I’m sure it is one of everyone’s wish to have a happy family.

Before I leave you, I must once again reiterate that progress is what’s important. Do not think either short or long term; think only of development. If you find that your collective situations are better than 3 months ago, then isn’t that already better? Isn’t that already something to be delighted about? Also, while mending your family is important, do remember to also take care of yourself. I understand that it can difficult to find a middle ground to everything. Our lives can seem as if they’re brimmed with chaos, as if it is impossible to organize our thoughts and philosophies. However, I find that a few deep breaths and a recollection of ‘why’ I’m doing anything at all helps me refocus. I hope this also works for you otherwise, again, this community will always be here to help.

I hope this helps and please forgive me for any grammatical errors I may have most likely made in what is now my longest reply post to date. (This is how much your post affected me. *Wink)

My Love And Care To You And Your Family,

Al

• This reply was modified 10 years, 6 months ago by Al.

Ah, I apologize, I meant to say trying will not *hurt*.

Jasmine,

Instead of thinking of yourself as a lost individual, think of yourself as a blank canvas. And, as canvases go, they are meant to absorb a tapestry of colors; to be formed and shaped and mixed and combined into near endless combinations. You see, while it may seem that many around you are sure of themselves in their thoughts, speech and actions, it is more accurate to say that they’ve taken the task to paint their own ‘masterpieces’.

You, too, must go forth and create a painting worth beholding to yourself when you come of old age. Explore the many colors that are available in this world, experiment with those you’ve never seen before or seem interesting, experience their results and expose yourself to discovery. This is how we create ourselves. If we stay stationary, well, our canvas will stay quite empty, don’t you think?

May you find all the hues, stains, shades and tints you need to conceive a most dazzling picture.

Al

I apologize. I hope they show this time.

Charles,

Perhaps this book may help.

Or this one.

Also, remember that in tending to our inner dealings, there often aren’t ‘instant results’. All delicate things require time and our minds and hearts are such things. I hope this poor advice helps.

Al

Krisof,

The Buddha teaches that we exists in others and others in us. Even if you are secular, it cannot be denied that inside we are all the same; that we share similar worries, convey similar joys, feel similar stresses, express similar satisfactions, suffer similar anxieties, among other things. When you come to recognize that we are all the same, your anxieties of feeling judged will disappear. However, this does require practice. Whenever an interaction or event with a coworker passes, take time to repeat a mantra such as this:

This/these coworker(s) of mine
share(s) all my joys and sufferings
may my brother(s)/sister(s)
find peace, bliss and harmony

While this may be a poor example, you can definitely come up with one of your own. A mantra, or saying/quote, that expresses common relation will help promote your sense of togetherness with your coworkers and all other human beings. This should help you remove and diminish your feelings of being judged.

I hope this helps.

Al