Can I start by saying thank you and telling you that you are A.M.A.Z.I.N.G such an understanding of someone and their needs is so comforting to read it really helps.

Every word you have written is true I don’t ever look at my services like that and I do belittle everything I do as “ it’s just a haircut” and “it’s only a breakfast” anyone can do it. I put so little credit to these things myself so I suppose I am judgemental of others thinking they feel the same. I wish I knew where that came from I’d like to stop that.

I am in physical pain constantly from my feet all the way to my eyelids, years of standing on my feet I suppose but I do have good calf muscles 😂. I do my best to alleviate the aches and pains by taking up yoga recently and resting as much as possible(going to bed early). I don’t think being over 50 years of age can be underestimated either, it’s quite a physically wearing age I’m finding; which for someone who on and off has been fairly fit throughout their life.

You’re so right, holidays are where I am happiest and as I mentioned previously I’ve had a wonderful life with two daughters who’ve I had the most wonderful years with, watching them play and grow but who are now young women of 18 and 17 and are not my little girls anymore;  which I’m finding so difficult as the family dynamics are completely changing. One is off to university and the other leaving high school to do A Levels there has been a lot of adjusting to them changing over the last few years things are not the same.

i do catastrophise everything it’s been my biggest problem. All the things i could have done but talked myself out of it preemptively foreseeing a disaster at every point. This I have to address before it’s too late.

Thank you Roberta, it’s typical of me to dismiss something in this country as not good enough for me or  authentic. if I’m not getting something which I believe to be the best or original source I give no credit which is an awful trait. This is only something that is played out in my mind believe me I’m the most humble person you could meet. this internal dialogue of things not being good enough has plagued me at every minute of my life. I was a barber for 20 years but I truly believe that because I didn’t do a traditional apprenticeship in a barbershop I am not good enough. I am a chef running my own business but because I’ve not been to culinary college or trained by the best I give myself no credit. It’s been this way since I started dating which I’ve touched on in a previous thread. I think once I became interested in the opposite sex my self worth became apparent and I’ve never felt good enough in any way shape or form hating on myself for 34 years

Omg what an amazing lengthy response, thank you Anita. I scanned through it quickly but will give my full attention and the respect it deserves later this evening.

Thanks for that Stephanie, if I have anything; which some may say does not make things better I have honesty and openness. I ask for help and guidance from which I try to learn and be a better person and if doing so has helped you at all then that’s great. I just wish I could feel I am of some purpose in myself I feel so redundant of no use. I feel I make no contribution to life whatsoever I just want to feel.

[quote quote=400583]Dear Simon: Did your depression improved since you last posted, and is the following behavior under control: “it’s like I have Tourette’s with the insults it happens so fast”? Anything you’d like to share, please do. anita

[/quote]hi are you still active on this site

[quote quote=396499]There are two purposes to life: to live and to love. It’s when we start thinking we have to live up to some imagined competition that we get into trouble. If you are living a lie, you need to own up to it and speak your truth. You need to fully accept your life as it is, your feelings as they are, and commit to living an honest, humble life. You need to be grateful for everything, every day. If you feel your life is pointless or joyless, it is because you are blind to the reality of what you life is and what life is offering you. I think digging into your past can sort of be a waste of time. Here is a letter I read elsewhere, and he much more eloquently and patiently expresses what I just said. Hello my friend, My name is Wind in Vietnam. I would like to gently share some ideas and questions with you. Everything I share is only to invite your curious quiet contemplation within yourself. If you choose to. After share, everything depends on you to choose this or that. Sometimes the door to escape all troubles and suffering is so close my friend, but what blocks each people from walking through it? Because though they may say, They Know. They understand. They can not give up their story that binds them inside to an illusionary self created prison to practice everything. I share.. When was the last time you sat down face to face with yourself and everything in your life before you ran to old habits for an imagined temporary feeling of safety? Do you think that when the Death appears, it will care about all your study, wanting, hoping, needing, anxiety, depression, worry, your dreams… and show compassion and time with you?.. Do you think ‘the time’ is beside you like the friend, waiting with you in all your suffering and wanting? Suddenly the Death appear, do you think you can hold and bring all your PhD, doctorates, dreams, worry, anxiety, tablets, wishes and wants through the door?.. The Death care about your study? You are important with the time and Death? My friend… questions are for you to patiently face and contemplate if you choose to. Why the difficult question has value? Because from the question creates occasion for everything to open. Now you are the man of 42. Can you answer, what is the law that controls each and every Soul that comes to the life? Why at 42 you are still here but many did not even get past one hour of life?.. What law controls? A story.. One day the man plants a fruit tree in the ground.. A special tree he chose. He like so much. He dreamed of the tree becoming so big and beautiful and many fruit. Each day he water, take care.. Always checking every day its height. The leaves.. Everyday he watching, wanting it to grow. He begins impatiently. Inside him he sees the imaginary tree so big. He begin praying to make it grow and everything will be ok. Inside, he begin all sorts of suffering in the wanting. He can not sleep, always checking, worry something wrong.. He think, why not growing? Is it sick? Too slow, too slow…. My friend… In this small example story.. Did you see you? What is the mistake of the man? His mistake is he did not see that the tree must follow the law of tree. That everything takes place according to the Law and on the time, with enough details and conditions, everything appears. Not early or late, but on the time. What is the cause of the suffering? From grasping in imaginary outcomes. In each imaginary outcome from grasping at what is or not and what if… Each person did become like the man running through the desert trying to keep a piece of ice in their hand. The door to escape is to drop all grasping in the wanting. Have you ever tried to catch the space around you in your hand? You will only most certainly tire yourself out. From imagine, everyone did invite the appearance of all kinds of illusionary trouble and sickness. Now you are the man of 42.. You good mind, study.. do everything for your life.. But you did not understand anything about yourself. And the purpose of the life. Means, in the grasping, you mistake with you. What is the nature and root purpose of any job, from a President to a Beggar? Only to earn for ones life. Everything else is only the appearance. And so.. when we lose ourselves to the appearance of the life, we begin to lost ourselves inside. Whether the man is happy with the tree growing or angry with the tree not growing does not change the Law of tree. So what happens inside the effect or grasping and wanting? You lose yourself to your emotions that become like strings controlling a puppet. From your dominating emotions attached to the grasping, you volunteer your Soul into slavery. You lost the time becoming attached to the prison of KEEPING. Keeping false ideas, thoughts, opinions, fears.. That develop into all kinds of different names.. My friend.. Each persons life is like the fruit tree. And the name of the law that controls each tree is the cause and effect law. No one can know what fruit will or will not appear until it appears. Fruits equal effects. Behavior is the most important detail. Behavior with yourself in each moment. As each idea, thought, action becomes the seeds for effects tomorrow or another time. But no matter what.. effects always come right without discrimination. So from your grasping, your wanting of this and that… What will be your effect you invite? Stay in the purpose of your purpose and cut the habit of grasping. And……….. Everything will take place. Relax with your life. The life. How is too relax? Relax means to see everything as it is and accept everything as it is now. You see that like the tree, the life is always moving and changing on the law. That all possibilities appear on the time. You either begin wake up and practice to create space inside by removing all false obstructions, for these possibilities to have the right conditions to grow and develop.. Or… from your grasping in fears, desires of imagine.. of wanting.. you grow weeds that suffocate the space inside. My friend.. No one can imagine that all they need is the courage to NOT KEEP. KEEP, may have many different appearances but the effect is always the same. As, what you keep, keeps you. Now at 42… You must (must means if you choose to) begin wake up and see the limit of all things and the deeper value of the life. Even if I wrap my body around the tree in fear or happiness.. Does not change the Law of tree. I borrow an example from early in my life to describe idea… As my Father died.. when he knew he was going to die at 26.. He said, ‘It’s ok’ Inside Its ok, has the big lesson my friend past the appearance. Means, inside the nature of Its ok, is a complete acceptance of ones life. Its ok mean, we are not against the circumstances of our life. We accept everything that is or is not and peace and balance in any situation that comes or not come. My friend.. from 2 small words you can see the great value if you can quietly inside and put the idea beside your life. Whether the job appears now, or a year.. Its ok my friend. You only stay in good purpose, good behavior with yourself in each moment. You do everything good in prepare and courage and confidence in each step… Then you will see, that everything will take place. Must courage to get of the wheel of habit like the mouse run and run.. But did never go anywhere. The wheel of always a slave to emotions. And begin see everything from another corner. The space of awareness. Awareness burns the dark inner clouds of emotions. The life has many appearances.. but all suffering regardless of the appearances come back to the emotional attachment to grasping in the life. Not one tablet, not one worry, not one moment of lost sleep, not one imagined outcome… can add one second to your life my friend. I have… I am.. I want… are all small prisons for the Soul. All attached to emotions…that run deep like the roots of a tree. Begin to overcome yourself by opening your hands with the life. Begin practice gratitude in each action. as gratitude creates the space for balance in the acceptance of your life. The value only appears in the positive action. All your fears, are the effect from your View. As by the view you use, so it exists exactly. Grasping in the appearance of imagine, dominated by emotions we become like a person searching for keys in a dark room. Where is the light my fiend? The light is your awareness. Awareness needs energy. You have awareness but not the energy because your so busy with your emotions, which are like a thief that continuously robbed you in broad daylight but you did not see. These words can not save you. Do not attach to the words but focus on the content inside. As……Only you can save you or destroy you. So I share.. You must courage to begin drop all grasping. Drop all grasping does not mean we lost purpose. But inside the purpose we see the limit of the life. Of all things. The movement of the life. We see at the same time, that the purpose of the life is to pay and receive equal with our cause and effect. To practice to grow up our Soul and awareness and overcome everything. To release the grasp on illusionary objects and outcomes that become our false idea of real and continue to lead the soul deeper into confusion. My friend.. Now at 42… If you can quietly with ideas. You have the great occasion before you. The life always has 2 faces… That is the law of the physical space we live. When everyone stands in happy, means sad waits. Everyone says, I love, means hate waits. Everything feels so good, means the face of bad waits.. All from emotions attached to a discriminative View. When you have the courage my friend to face to face with YOU. You life. Not an imagined life from, WHAT IF. And begin fresh steps towards putting everything down inside. Letting go of all grasping attached to false thinking and ideas. Put down the inner discriminations and judgements of everything is either good or bad and just see everything as it is.. And practice inside the idea of ITS OK. You can not imagine… the possibilities that will begin to appear inside. They were always there… just like the Sun is always bright.. even when obstructed by dark clouds. Now is the good time for you to begin forget an imaginary past and bring your eyes back into your own eyes to see everything that is right now. To awake in each step. I share from sincere experience. You must choose. You continue to push up your story of difficult to be your illusionary prison of real. Lost in the circle of talking and repeat. Or… you begin focus on clearing and cleaning everything inside and put down your attachments to wanting. Begin the courage to break up everything. Like a fire burns a forest of all dead wood and creates the fresh occasion for the new to appear. Everything wait for you my friend. The life wait for you. Your possibilities wait for you. All you need to practice is to release your strangle hold on all your grasping and wanting and needing and imagined outcomes and come back to yourself in sincere acceptance of NOW. Once there was this Lion. She had a cub. She was starving and the cub too. Each day she was hunting but kept missing. After miss, she just rested quietly under the shade.. wait for tomorrow.. days passed.. she kept missing.. starving.. But, after miss.. always relax in shade. Save energy. On the time, when everything connected.. She caught they prey. Her situation change. Like you my friend.. Do not scare… Must courage to peace in the unknown. peace in the uncertainty. Courage in the not knowing. Drop all grasping. So.. on the time when all the right right conditions and details appear.. You are ready with the energy you need to do everything equal with the occasion. Confident. Balanced. Faith from your positive actions. Its ok. Everything will take place. It is your duty to overcome you. That is the duty of the man to overcome everything. My friend.. These ideas should only be seen like strange rocks on the path of your life. To curious, to see, pick up, understand and practice is always your free choice. As each life, depending each person courage to self perfect = each destination. I wish you good luck. Thank you so much, Wind.[/quote] hello are you still active on this site

I see I didn’t know it was that bad now you make me feel like killing myself thanks