I wanted to share one more thought…

I want to be compassionate and respectful to you, so I won’t drag you into my own problems over and over again. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to connect with you… I just believe that oversharing doesn’t connect us, but rather the opposite… I can’t quite put it into the right words now… I don’t want to burden you with my own problems – I take responsibility for them. I know I have to deal with myself and my own emotions on my own. I don’t want to drag you into it and drain you, hurt you… again and again… That’s why I have to solve it on my own… and kind of isolate myself a bit. But I do cherish your presence…

Does it make sense to you? I cannot put my thoughts into words very well.

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And that also means that I will no longer accept or tolerate gaslighting (making others question their own memory or perception of the situation), blaming or guilt-tripping (making others feel responsible for their own behavior or feelings), belittling members’ pain or feelings, or monitoring others (copying their threads and using them later against them).

These are signs of controlling behaviour and it makes many people here strressed. And that’s why I will point to these problems.

On mental health forum, these things are blocked, and users are even banned when this behavior is repeated.

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Hello Lucidity,

It is painful to leave them behind but this is what I have chosen to do because it was affecting me, and so affecting my own family thro me, because I was unable to contain the negative influence my dad and sister had upon me. When I feel stronger I may revisit the situation because I do not want to abandon them but I chose to preserve my own sanity for my own sake and the sake of my family. I feel it was the right decision for me at this point in time. A choice had to be made to help someone since helping someone was what I wanted to do. In the end after years of arguments and disasters, I have chosen to help myself and my family. Helping my dad and sister led to further pain for all parties. Perhaps my dad and sister did not see it as pain but they couldnt stop themselves from responding to me in an emotionally immature way which is a difficult dynamic to withstand when it goes on and on and on. Breaking out of a trauma bond is a very hard and non intuitive thing to do. That may not be what you have at play. I am just relating to you the factors that were at play for me. Put in simply terms, I can only help others after I have helped myself to be a more sane person.

This speaks to me from the heart, and not only in terms of my private life, but also in terms of this forum.

I’m seriously considering whether I should be a part of this forum when the pattern of controlling behavior here is hurting me, because it seems to remind me of years of my bullying.

Maybe it would be wiser to distance myself, take better care of my mental health, and think about what to do next… However, is there any point in going back to this forum when this pattern keeps repeating itself (for years)?

I am sending ❤️ and ☀️ to think deeply about this.

I am only trying to become safe and brave. 🙏

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LISTENING TO OURSELVES
Sometimes when we attempt to listen to another person, we can’t
hear them because we haven’t listened to ourselves first. Our own
strong emotions and thoughts are so loud in our heart and in our
head, crying out for our attention, that we can’t hear the other
person. Before we listen to another, we need to spend time
listening to ourselves. We can sit with ourselves, come home to
ourselves, and listen to what emotions rise up, without judging or
interrupting them. We can listen to whatever thoughts come up as
well, and then let them pass without holding on to them. Then,
when we’ve spent some time listening to ourselves, we are able to
listen to those around us.

🙏

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Inspiration:

WHERE THE FIGHT BEGINS
When someone says something unkind to you, you may want to retaliate right away. That is where the fight begins. This habitual way of reacting creates a well-worn pathway in your brain. When you travel a neural pathway over and over again, it becomes a habit. Very often that pathway leads to anger, fear, or craving. One millisecond is enough for you to arrive at the same destination: anger and a desire to punish the person who has dared to make you suffer. The mind and the brain are plastic in nature. You can change your mind, your brain, and the way you think and feel. With practice, you can create new neural pathways that lead to understanding, compassion, love, and forgiveness. Mindfulness and insight can intervene, redirecting you down a new neural pathway.

I already know it’s worth reading. ❤️

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I am reading The Heart of the Buddha’s Teaching by Hanh again and I thought I could share this part about the seeds in our consciousness:

The practice of mindfulness helps us identify all the seeds in our consciousness and water the ones that are the most wholesome. When one person comes up to us, the very sight of him makes us uncomfortable. But when someone else walks by, we like her right away. Something in each of them touches a seed in us. If we love our mother deeply, but feel tense every time we think of our father, it is natural that when we see a young lady who looks like our mother, we will appreciate her, and when we see a man who evokes the memory of our father, we will feel uncomfortable. In this way, we can “see” the seeds that are in us – seeds of love for our mother and seeds of hurt vis-a-vis our father. When we become aware of the seeds in our storehouse, we will not be surprised by our own behavior or the behavior of others.

In Buddhism, there is something called “selective watering” – watering the wholesome seeds in our consciousness, and also protecting our senses from watering the unwholesome seeds from external sources. This helps me stay calmer and more balanced in hard times, but in heated conflicts I lose my ground and I cannot fully concentrate and make mistakes.

Any ideas, thoughts, tips, advice, experiences? 😊

Maybe I’ll find some thoughts and tips in the book How to Fight during the weekend. I’ll share some. ❤️

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Wonderful. Let’s move on, please. 🙏 You can start your own thread, Anita, or continue in the journal. 😉