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Anita I think you’re missing my point a little. The very idea that gaining excess weight is a “change to the worse” is nothing but just another conditioned concept foisted on us by a society that worships superficial beauty, fitness etc. Proportionate weight is just another thing that I’m told I need if I want to be “happy”. This is what I’m saying. Why must I be fit and the correct weight? Why can’t I be overweight but still feel good? It’s because of my own mind which has a gazillion thoughts and ideas which have been put there by others which I believe. Why must I have or be doing A,B and C to feel ok? Happiness or peace dependant on externals is fleeting. I don’t want this anymore.
I think labelling an ayahuasca retreat as a “hallucinogenic retreat” and temporary solution is incorrect. Yes there are some pyscychedelic effects but it’s more than that, it’s an ancient medicine and from the information I have read has changed many people’s lives for the better. I realise it’s no quick fix but many people report it as being a lot of therapy condensed into a short space of time and helps them to begin to make big changes.
I’ve tried psychologists at least 6 times and have not found it very helpful. Its super expensive for starters and so inaccessible for most people and the main method they tend to use ie CBT I have not found useful. It’s something I already know and have read about so paying someone a lot of money to tell me about it again seems pointless. They just basically say “go away and dispute your thoughts”. Last time I went to one he decided to stop seeing me because he realised it was not working.
I’m like this too. I procrastinate everything. I just binge watch videos and YouTube etc because it makes me not think about my life. I become comfortably numb. It makes my head kind of cloudy. Some times I will also have wine and chocolate at the same time which provides even more numbing power. I’m 49 and have no drive to do what is neccessary to better my life as far as career goes. I have also lacked the confidence to grab life by the balls and get what I want.
Instead I work in a low paid manual labour position which doesn’t require my intelligence or creativity. I have kind of resigned myself to the fact that this might be as good as it gets for me. I try to see the positive side and I try to save money but in the back of my mind there is a nagging feeling that I’m not reaching my potential and I’m wasting my life. I’m certainly not “self actualising” that’s for sure.
On the other hand I’m also aware that my worth is not based on how I make money or how much. I have been born into a capitalist society in which a tiny percentage of people control most of the money and everyone else is forced to make do so to a large extent I don’t have much control over it. As much as I would prefer to be doing something more fulfilling for work I’m also grateful that I can survive in this world and I am doing it the best way I can right now.
Society conditions us to believe that unless we are striving on the ladder of success and status and material wealth then we are worthless but really it’s a lie. We are worthy for just being born, for just being alive not for how much we produce and consume. Everybody has much right to be happy and live a peaceful fulfilling life as anybody else no matter what you’re doing.
I was also badly bullied and ostracised throughout my schooling which has left me scarred. So I was bullied at home and school. I’ve grown up with the core belief that everyone will let you down and hurt you in the end and nobody can be trusted especially the people who say they love you. I cannot think of a single adult who was a good role model in my formative years. I’m 49 now and when I see something on tv about bullying I cry my eyes out because I really feel so much for kids who go through that. It’s so close to home that it tears me up inside.
I do feel like I am still at the mercy of aggressive adults. Adults who could just use me and then discard me when they grow bored. Every relationship I have been in they have dumped me. People can’t seem to tolerate me. I guess I don’t blame them really because when I think about it I can’t even tolerate myself. I sit around in this chronic state of mild depression. I’m kind of stuck in a perpetual state of helplessness. I feel like I need someone to look after me as if I’m a child. I have no clue what to do with my life. There is nothing that I feel very passionate about. There are things I enjoy but I have no confidence or belief in myself or drive or motivation to ever make a real go of something. For example when I was younger I dreamt of being a musical performer and dancer. I had some opportunities but I never followed through with anything. I failed to hone my craft and I failed to connect with people and build networks. I failed because my confidence was so low that I just felt it was a useless waste of time even trying. To make it in such an industry you have to be very resilient and let rejection slide like water off a ducks back. I couldn’t do that. Rejection to me is like death. I’m so super sensitive to it.
So ive spent my life falling into low skilled low paid work because it was easy and less painful than the risk of failure if I went for my dreams. The positive side is that at least I can make a living and have enough money to survive but I feel I’ve wasted so much time and now I’m a bit washed up. Im really tired of feeling tired. Of feeling so useless on my own. Of having no desire or drive to grab hold of life and create something amazing. To take advantage of this miraculous opportunity. Instead I’m just stuck in this ground hog day loop of self pity. Obsessing about why my ex partner no longer wants me. Why I don’t feel worthy or deserving of more than that. Why do I even bother wasting my time and energy thinking about and craving a person who has discarded me??? It’s totally fucked.
I think you have completely magnified what happened out of all perspective and made it into something shameful in your mind. But in fact you were basically just an innocent child on the threshold of puberty with hormones racing and curiosity etc. You did not know any different or better and what happened may not have been ideal or socially acceptable and considered taboo in our culture but it really is nothing to worry about. The other person was only 1 year younger so for starters it is not pedophilia. When we are young our brain is still forming. It doesn’t fully form until the age of 25. We react without thinking at that age. I can remember many things I did that as an adult I would never do. The main thing is that you’ve realised that it was an innocent mistake and now you can let it go and move on. Many children when growing up do things that would be considered completely unacceptable if they were adults. It’s perfectly normal. 13-14 is still childhood , well the end of.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 