Hi JHK.

You didn’t answer my question – what did you think her reaction was going to be? Why are you surprised she is angry?

I would be angry too if my friend broke his promise to me. You promised her and yourself you would not discuss these topics anymore, twice.  I do not see why you are confident you will not do this again. I think you will be ok for a little while and then you will try again and she will be even angrier. At some point she will simply start to block and ignore you – it is actually surprising that she hasn’t done so already. Probably because you were such good friends but you are really testing the friendship in a bad way with this behaviour.

As to what to “do”. The only thing you can do is to leave her alone and hope she reaches out to you at some point. Any more apologising or trying to explain is not going to help, it will drive her further away, make her angrier.  The one helpful thing you can do is to work on yourself and understanding why you made this mistake, so that you can avoid doing the same again in the future.

Good Morning JHK,

Nice to hear an update from you – glad everything is fine. Although it sounds like yesterday was not so fine? Why is she upset – what got out of hand?

P.S Hope you both had/have a great weekend……..just started raining again here……hmm…..did I mention bargain flights to sunny places…..hope you got a chance to check out Kate’s blog above, she really does have some inspiring reads…

One thing I thought I would share as it hit me hard yesterday. Was away visiting my in-laws and we went with them round to some more elderly relations for the evening out ( yeah, rock’n’roll stuff in your forties on a Friday night but hey, I love them so all good 🙂 ) . Was sitting there telling them about our recent travels and future plans, really hit me how everything they shared was fond memories, a life liven, nothing much ahead.  Really brought home how glad I am to have taken the leap and ( a balanced.. )  risk to quit a ‘normal’ life and now adding so many future memories of our own. You always think you have time but you know what – sometimes you just have to get on with it and do it.  Seriously, both, make the most of the years you have, don’t put up with just “ok”. Things have a habit of working out just fine.

Hope you are both having a good one.

Morning both,

Nicely done Kkasxo – so glad it all went well, even if you did suffer the day after 😉   It is just so good as well to hear you talking about your healthy boundaries and seeing things clearly for what they are, without worrying (too much! ) about what you think/hope they should be – it’s like a lightbulb has gone on in you, it’s clicked and you are glowing. So happy to hear it and however it works out or not with Mr A, I know you are going to be ok either way.

Shelby – guessing you are back at work – hope it wasn’t too hectic right from the off. How’d the gig go? Did you manage to get through the rest of the week any better?

Both – hasn’t it been great to have some sun here finally, had really been starting to get itchy travelling feet again!

Ha, oh well – what is it they say, 2 out of 3 ain’t bad?!

Glad some of it helped and sounds like you are on a good road forwards, now just the irritating waiting for time to do it’s thing…honestly, just splitting up the time alone and exercise was a big thing, let’s see how it goes ( now have one small square and put the chocolate back in the box…! )

Don’t worry about the pedastal thing. I had mine on there for a fair while after the split, took a long time to be able to see him truly and not just my memorised, happy version.  And I don’t mean that I suddenly saw him as a bad person which made it all easy/simple to move on, just that I was able to see the good and the bad, I stopped idolising him. Also accepted the truth that he didn’t want me which hurt like hell. And yeah, for a long time ( say 3 – 6 months ) if he’d come back wanting me again I’d likely have given it a go, though now I shudder at the idea!!

It’s another place I’ve seen a lot of friends get stuck at but the pedastal thing does go when it’s ready – I know it doesn’t feel like it but all those memories and feelings piling through, it’s a good thing, means you feel ready to start processing them.  Just do it, bit at a time and then give yourself a break, there is after all a natural limit to chocolate’s powers 😉

Rock/hard place, I get it. It is damn annoying isn’t it once you are aware enough so that you can’t bury your head and ignore it, like so many others can do!  You’ll figure it out and you will be happy, just can’t force it.  A really good way of figuring out what makes you happy is to do the opposite, take things out of your life that make you unhappy.

Gig sounds great, I love live music. Was at one of my favourite brewery tap rooms yesterday, straw bales, bands, cheap beer, sunshine – heaven! Their daughter has just come back from 3 months travelling on her own round Asia so was fun to chat over the places we’d both been to, totally made me want to start booking my flights! Off for a night out in the city today which should be likewise fun, always have a good time wandering round. Be back late on Monday, catch up then.

PS – How hungover do we think Kkasxo is post party…..?! Hope it went well!

Morning Shelby,

Well, look at it this way – at least with him telling you that, you have finally found the point where enough’s enough and your self-respect has kicked in, alive and breathing still! Absolutely right too.

Ha, yeah, you do feel stupid doing it right and it does feel totally false the whole talking to yourself and saying it’ll pass but you know what, keep with it and like any habit, it starts to feel more right than the old behavior. I’m very glad to hear you have deleted the dating website, not the right time/place at all and I can imagine all too easily how creepy it could be! It would be funny if it wasn’t quite so sad, if you know what I mean.

Hmm, what would I recommend. How about I just describe what worked for me and you see what feels right for you?  If I look back, there were three main things that got me through.

First, getting the right balance between time alone and time being distracted. Since I’d become very isolated from friends/family I put a lot ( and I mean a lot! ) of effort into rebuilding old and making new friends,  making sure I had something to do, somewhere to go be with people regularly. It was hard both as a natural introvert and as the opposite of what I wanted to do, which was curl up and cry in bed. But like you, if left alone for too long, I’d get stuck in a downward spiral and not able to get out of it by myself.  Gradually I was able to be by myself for longer and longer without getting sucked down and able to kick myself out of it. But not at the start for sure.  I know people say sit with it, but I think you have to be pragmatic and work out a balance else you just get stuck if you’re not ready for it.

Second, was really starting to take care of myself again, something else I’d let go badly. So eating better and the big one for me, exercising – something I’d never really done before!  It ended up being the best way of learning to be ok by myself, as the physical activity distracted my brain enough ( plus the panting and gasping for breath! 😉 ) . Not only was it a great stress reliever, as I got fitter, I felt much better about myself again, could see men noticing me in a different way again. Now I know it shouldn’t matter and it was really all about confidence, not looks but at that point, it was another boost I really needed to my severely kicked self-esteem, helping deal with the rejection.

Third – and this one was the hardest I think – I was absolutely determined to remain “open to life”, it became my daily mantra ( even though I didn’t actually know what a mantra was! ) I’ll try to explain it better….  The easiest thing for me would have been to hide from the world, to keep myself safe from ever going through anything like this again. To not try anything new, not make new friends, find a place to live, sort out my new job. The temptation was huge to run from it all, too much to cope with, better to stay with my parents and hide, accept my lot.  But instead, I just slowly tackled each one – and only one! Small steps but consistently forwards, saying yes to things I wanted in my life and no to things that didn’t help.

So instead of worrying about if/when/how you’ll meet anybody to have a family with, focus on much shorter, achievable goals. Things you can actually do something about. How about starting with your job – you know you don’t like it and there are many ways to change that, including quitting but many others too.

Hope it helps – seriously, I know you feel the pressure is on because of the kids thing – but try to let that go, there are many many ways you can have a family, if that ends up still being what you want – I found it changed a lot once I let go of family/society expectations. No point in having regrets about not having realised sooner either, you couldn’t have known any sooner, it was only when you were in that relationship that you felt it. Look at it as that’s why you had to go through that experience to figure it out, that’s all.

Morning JHK,

Really good to hear you are feeling more like your old self and coping better. One thing I do if I’m  not dealing with something very well is to go for a long walk, ideally with some trees/green space. Something about the rhythmic physical activity and being outside calms me enough to be able to think clearly again. Perhaps that will help you too next time you feel yourself start to overthink and worry.

And yes, it’s a bit like those aeroplane safety videos, you need to look after yourself first before you are able to help others. So practising setting good healthy boundaries and being able to say no to helping sometimes is actually a good thing to learn.

Hey JHK,

Try not to be insulted – everyone here is just trying to help and it is always wise to consider all advice/feedback before choosing whether to accept it and how to best respond.

Good to hear you don’t struggle with others and happy to accept constructive criticism.