Hey, morning both!

Yeah, slightly busier weekend, was down visiting my parents and then spent yesterday brewing and bottling beer, like you do…it tastes great though, that’s the main thing!  Today we will hopefully get out on the bikes now it looks like the storms have gone – we had hail yesterday! Crazy…

Hope the gigs went ok, nothing eventful re the ex and a great time for your friend’s birthday. Nothing like live music to make you feel alive I think.

You know that’s a huge step right, just being able to acknowledge that there are times when you are ok and realise you don’t love him now. Well done you. Eventually those bits just keep getting longer and the other times when you collapse in a puddle again get shorter. And then one day you suddenly realise you haven’t had one for ages.

A month is pretty standard right. When are you thinking of going – I think you said Sept/Oct so I’m thinking you have a few more weeks before handing it in?  That’s so typical of many companies now, taking their time to replace people who leave and hoping everyone else just shoulders the extra work, just another way of saving costs. Absolutely not your fault they haven’t sorted it and yes, eventually you need to prioritise yourself……ha, is this really our Shelby talking…..I’m very happy to hear you say that you know 🙂  Yeah, it’ll be tough but it should also give them the kick they need to sort out their staffing!!

I was thinking – is this the weekend Kkasxo is away in Birmingham? Hope that’s all gone well if so.

Morning JHK.

I am not surprised. Yet again you broke your promise and talked to her about your problem instead of dealing with it by yourself.

I actually don’t think she is sulking, I just think she doesn’t want to spend time with you anymore, she no longer wants to be your close friend.  Both her actions and her words are telling you this but I understand you do not want to believe it.

Therefore I don’t think I can help you any more with this. My advice has consistently been to not talk to her about this and you have consistently gone ahead and talked to her about it. My advice now remains the same – leave her alone and think instead about working on yourself. Learn from this as to how to better handle relationships and social interaction. It may be worth finding somebody like a therapist locally who will be able to better help you through this.

I wish you all the best in working through it all. Ofcourse I am still here to listen and help if you choose to work on yourself but I won’t keep having this same conversation with you as it doesn’t help you move on.

Take care.

Morning both,

Kkasxo, likewise, was thinking about you yesterday and hoping you were getting through ok. Just another day and yes, brains are so unhelpful at dragging up stuff you don’t want to think about. The more you try and ignore it, the stronger they get so yes, acknowledge them but also know they can’t hurt you and move on to something else once felt. I hope you are a little better today, now that the day is gone.

Shelby – ha, yeah – that’s pretty much ultimate ultimate Disney!! My prince will arrive and whisk me off to his lavish castle eh 😉  Seriously, you never even thought you’d meet a guy and work together for your dream house, just that he’d have it all ready for you? No wonder you are so reluctant to let go of this guy.  But hey, no judgement from me, it’s just a dream after all and I think most people dream of similar easy ways out tbh.  It’s funny you mention one of your options was building your own home, we actually built ours down here, yep, I did brick-laying, insulating, plasterboarding, floors, you name it – if it was labour-intensive and not skilled, we did it! But yes, it was very hard work in our ‘spare’ time whilst holding down my job and I couldn’t imagine have done it my myself for sure.

Good to hear the exercise/diet combo is paying off – the boost is nice right when you can start to notice the difference and especially when others do. The gigs sound fun though I get the worry about potentially seeing him there – and even worse than not dead but with someone else. It does seem very unlikely you will see him and yeah, it shouldn’t stop you going. It sometimes helps me to think ahead about what I’d do if the ‘worst’ does happen just so that I can try to avoid dissolving into a teary mess in front of them, given that’s not the impression I’d want to leave!

Travel plans sound amazing…..Oz, NZ, Fiji eh…..funnily enough think I’ll be in Kuala Lumpar next year when we do our post winter Christmas escape. Thinking so far is Thailand ( Chiang Mai, Krabi ) down to Langwai island, Maylasia, onto to KL, down to Bali then back up to Vietnam. But who knows, lots more fun research to do yet!  Boots’n’all is a good website for RTW travel, has a free eplanning book(?) you can get, may help. Cor – starts to sound real proper exciting eh!

Hey, less of the really old eh 😉  But funny, yeah – that’s pretty much how it sounded in my head too!

I get the guilt thing.  I suppose the trick of it is to work out where your limits are before you reach them so you know when you have to look after yourself for a while before you can help again. There’s only so much of Shelby to go around after all.

No, I don’t think you are a terrible person for wanting to start from scratch re kids – it’s pretty much how everyone imagines it I think. But yes, as ever, reality is not always in line with our thinking. Likewise I’ve seen the struggles of blended families – some have ended up in a great place but it was a lot of effort to get there.  Hence it’s good to know if it’s a total ‘no’ or a ‘not my first choice but I could see it’.  It’s not about accepting second choice though, just that sometimes it seems life gives us what we need, not what we think we want.

And is that practically a decision about travelling I hear there………?!?!? Go Shelby! Absolutely we’ll be here wherever you are – be it home or away. It’ll be funny if you’re telling travel stories same time as me – double entertainment for Kkasxo!

You know, Mark’s suggestion is a good one, it’ll help with those rose-tinted specs. It’ll be interesting to see how your list shapes up.  I suspect a few of the things you miss are as much about the lifestyle you had with him rather than him the person, e.g. the travel, the nights out.

Kkasxo – how we doing there? Get through the weekend ok? Still on a bit of an up/down emotional time? I was thinking, it can’t be long until your family leave now – I’m so glad you are settled in your new home at least to make that a little easier, got to be tough.

Hey, it’s not a list competition! Yours is honest, brave and heart-felt – and more importantly – the only one that matters. So nice job there, it’s a good list. How did you feel at the end of it – just exhausted with the thinking or an obvious winner?  Tbh, mostly what it screams out to me is someone who needs to prioritise herself for a bit, either with or without travel. A lot of fear. And a tiny bit of excitement but a lot of guilt at wanting to do something for herself that will let others down.

If I work through it…some things are entirely practical to solve, the harder ones are the emotional ones, unsurprisingly. Plus some of these things you can achieve without travelling and some of them will continue to be a ‘con’ even if you don’t.

For example, you can leave your job with travelling and you can work on bravery/less responsibilities, though it’s harder.  You can make travel as expensive or cheap as it needs to be. Technology these days makes staying in touch way easier, especially Skype/video calls. Not the same, but pretty good. If you don’t like somewhere when you arrive, you change your plans and move on.

As to the ‘settle down’ thing/ delay finding someone/having kids, unless you have your eye on someone locally I honestly don’t see how travel either helps or hinders that one. Do you intend to only want to find someone locally, is that what you mean? And not to sound depressing but if so, I suspect you already have a pretty good idea of the “available pool” and aren’t interested in them? So if anything it helps as you’ll meet more people and you can be in places or find groups of travellers/expats who speak english pretty much everywhere.

As to the age thing, yes, it’s a legitimate pragmatic concern from the kids perspective, I get it.  I’ll just repeat there are many,many ways to be a great mother. If you are fixed on the idea that only your own biological kids will do, then yes, nature dictates you are time-limited. There are ways to extend the time, like my friend storing her eggs.  It can help to work out what your priority really is, your own kids or the family dream.  E.g. which would you choose – biological kids by yourself through artificial means ( i.e. no partner ) before nature does it’s thing and then perhaps a relationship or wait longer for a relationship later and accepting it means no biological kids but perhaps either inheriting an existing family or adopting together?  I realise ideally you want kids with the imaginary partner ( shall we call him Mr B, since Kkasxo has nabbed Mr A….) but since we’re both pragmatic people – one way to take the pressure off is to recognise nature’s reality but also recognise that there are still options where you end up in a good place for you, whichever one is more important to you.

Back to the “To Travel or Not To Travel” , there is also obviously a third way through all this – have you thought about asking your work for a mini-sabbatical? I’ve (unsurprisingly) used these before and it’s win/win for both. You get extended, all be it unpaid, time away to make a trip long enough to unwind and think clearly. They get to keep a valued employee and not go through the hassle of trying to hire someone else.

So instead of thinking it’s a major life decision and you have to quit your job and life and go for half a year or whatever – instead perhaps plan out something for 4 – 6 weeks, whatever feels right. It’s plenty of time to get the benefits of travel without the bigger risks/commitments involved in anything more major.  If they don’t go for it – you also have the option of quitting and going for those job opportunities you mention, it’ll take that long to get a start date and they usually honour pre-booked travel (again, something I have unsurprisingly done…!)

Perhaps a decent half-way house to getting the break you need without feeling like it’s all or nothing. Hope it all helps – and yes it’s tiring to have to think – but you end up in a better place for it. Just don’t overthink it…….

Awh, it’s you guys doing all the hard healing work, I’m just here to remind you there is light at the end of the tunnel ( and no, it’s not a train…. ) whilst sharing irritatingly happy tales of travel :-). But yeah, it’s a good journey together.

Kkasxo – hope the anxiety has lessened a little. Whilst I know it’s tough, if you look back on where you were this time last year, you’ll see just how much more resilience you have for getting past another anniversary. You’ve done it before, it’s not going to hurt you and you’ll be ok, just a bit more emotionally up/down for a while. So you know, maybe not the best time to decide about Mr A or anything major and yeah, if you are emotionally stretched what you would normally consider ‘easy’ becomes difficult. I’ve lost count of the number of things I’ve said I’d do when in a good state and then have dreaded when they came round – but once you get there it’s so often “oh, actually, this is ok and you know what, I’m enjoying myself”. And if not – you just come home!

Shelby, Shelby…..me, eye-rolling…..never……  It’s funny actually, you thinking travel may impede finding the life you want whereas how I think about it, you are far more likely to find the life you want by breaking out and doing something different. It’s hard to see how staying put and doing the same things is going to result in anything different to the last what, 15 odd years? Likewise it’s hard to see it as running away given you are more terrified of doing it than you are of staying put. Defn more of a choosing to do something different and let yourself try a different way of life than running away from reminders. I do get what you mean by the “done thing” though and yeah, it can be hard to separate out what you want to do from what you think you should do. I suppose I come at it all from a “what’s the worst that can happen”, which is you try it, hate it, hide from being open to the experience and come back wondering what the hell next. Which is pretty much where you are at anyway right?!?  So how’d that list go?

Hmm, I would let her be the one to reach out if I were you, but your choice.

Why do you think you did tell her you couldn’t face her if you understood it would not end well? It will help to understand so you do not do so again.

Hi ImJWL.

I see you have now created your own post and are getting helpful answers there, which is good.

I think you have actually answered your own questions – you know this guy is using you. Especially as you are probably afraid if you stop having sex you would not see or hear from him again, right? So yeah, time to stand up for yourself and put yourself first. You are going through a tough time with the divorce and it is not unusual to have valued being wanted by this guy. But yeah, seems highly likely it’s going nowhere apart from more hurt and disappointment for you – something you can do without for sure.

You could simply break it off with the guy. Or half-way house, try being unavailable next time you are supposed to meet, keep him waiting. And keep sex off the table – have a proper date. If he’s interested in you at all – you’ll find out pretty quickly. I’m not into game-playing, so I don’t mean like that but by being less available on his terms, you’ll probably get the confirmation you’re looking for to dump him.

You know you deserve better and you will find better. Don’t let your fear of not thinking you will find someone else hold you back. But do look at this as a way of learning why you accepted so little in this relationship and work on your self-esteem, which has probably taken a real battering through your last relationship/divorce, right?

Hope helps – best of luck.