Hi Raaw,

I’m guessing that a lot of your friends are simply more extroverted than yourself? It can be hard being ‘the quiet one’ of the group, especially when the main group dynamic is based on contributing through jokes, tales and light conversation etc.  As a more introverted type you are always going to be happier in one-on-ones, smaller groups, where the conversation is focused on something deeper, more meaningful than the light-hearted banter. Like the interactions with your sisters.

Does it mean you have to give up your friends – ofcourse not. But recognise you simply have something different to offer the group – all talkers need an active listener after all  – without that there’s nothing! Even without your own stories to share you can contribute to the group dynamic by showing your interest and asking questions, helping to develop stronger connections with them one at a time. It can be helpful to set yourself targets such as ‘I will contribute two questions next time’ – making it seem achievable but more than you would otherwise do. A way of growing your confidence in contributing and helping stop the feeling you are simply standing there.  Tbh, most introverts tend to have a small bunch of friends who they are close with, often other introverted types. It doesn’t mean you can’t be friends with your current group – but perhaps don’t expect them to be something they aren’t – same way don’t expect yourself to be something you are not. You can learn to improve your ability to socially interact but perhaps look elsewhere for the closer friendships.

Story-telling can also often be a form of competition in groups – as in ‘who’s done the best/craziest/weirdest/etc thing lately’. If you recognise it as such you can also recognise that it’s likely each of your friends is also insecure in their own way about where they stand in the group.  Spend some time thinking about if you only feel “I feel that my life is not happening as others. And therefore I do not have many stories to tell”  when you are in this group – i.e. when you are comparing yourself to others. If you are content with your life otherwise – no need to change – most people fall into the trap of comparing themselves and thinking they or their lifes fall short of what they ‘should’ be doing. But there is no ‘should’, just what makes you personally content.

Hope helps.

Hey Shelby,

Ha – always the way eh, bursting into tears when you really don’t want to. If you are anything like me, it’s blatantly obvious when I’ve been crying too – anyway, I’m betting the dentist was too busy peering into your mouth and not your face 🙂

It always helps right, just sounding out what you know is crazy but hearing a good friend or therapist confirm it for you and poke holes in it until you can laugh at yourself again. Sounds like it was a decent session even if you didn’t get time to try out the grief approach.

I totally love that you now have a date in your mind for leaving work, as scary and exciting as that is both at the same time. Makes it real. Cape Town is awesome if you get a chance to make it there, though it’s not always the simplest place to get flights to connect onwards – best bet would be to go with one of the middle east airlines as then you could use either Doha or Dubai as a hub since they connect on Oz-wards. Plus they ( Qatar, Emirates etc ) are much better airlines in terms of comfort – their economy is like BA business class, flat seats apart! Ooops….slipped back into travel talk…

School holiday season is horrible for finding cheap flights, now I remember why we always avoid it!  Thought had lined up a great house-sitting gig in Lisbon but they’ve changed their minds, may still go yet, it’s been on my (long..) list of places I’d like to try out. Fortunately my Mr S is pretty open to wherever I book him into!  If you haven’t already done so – do check out those house-sitting websites, there’s a ton of people wanting sitters in Oz and the upside is they often introduce you to their friends/neighbours incase you need help, so it’s a good way to get to know some people locally.  Other people also recommend staying in hostels rather than hotels – though as my days of sharing are way behind can I suggest a private room with it’s own bathroom…. Again, great for meeting up with other travellers. Haven’t tried it myself as tend to rent an apartment so can cook when we feel like it but friends have and seems good. Double oops……more travel…..!!

And so back to Mr Ex – exactly so – if you think about it – this is the first time ever you have really believed it’s actually over.  The other times were just a waiting game of a kind. So yeah, you are going to be obsessed about it a while yet and rant away here. We’ll do our bit to back up your therapist and tell ya when you are being daft 🙂

Wait……..was that a wallaby I just saw ambling past…cool……

Hi Cami,

Yeah, dealing with uncertainty is difficult for a lot of people, especially if you are an anxious type.  No-one can control or see the future, you just have to do the best you can with what you have. It sounds like you made the best decision you could at the time to deal with this contract – deciding to try to make a go of it rather than breaking up then.

So that could be what you need to focus on doing now – making the best of it and getting through it. It sounds like you are pretty emotionally dependent on your boyfriend, so perhaps try and see this as an opportunity given to you to practise being ok, developing your own strength and emotional resilience – it will do nothing but help you throughout life after all.

Try to make sure the time you get to talk to each other is a positive experience – one of looking forwards together to the year being over and enjoy thinking about what you will do together. The last thing you want is for your guy to start dreading your calls, make sure what time you do get together is used well – not dominated by trying to make you feel better. Take responsibility for doing that for yourself.

I’m curious – not that I’m suggesting this is a good idea necessarily – but what stops you travelling to the same place he is anyway – I assume because of your work?  I get you couldn’t stay with him if the military don’t allow it but they can’t stop you travelling for visits right?! You know when you can take holiday – perhaps even if you can’t go away with him, you could at least figure something out to stay nearby to see him in his off-time?

Pragmatically, you should get refunded for the travel unless it was specifically non-refundable and even then your travel insurance should cover it.

Hope you’ve made it out for some exercise today – nothing better for working out anxieties than a calming walk in nature.

Jill.

A lot of good advice already. Your situation sounds pretty bad and I am not surprised you are practically at the end of your tether. You are more like his mother than an equal partner and whilst you let him get away with his bad behaviour, he has no reason to change. You love him deeply even though at a great cost to yourself – so I understand that perhaps going to break up with him is a step too far for you right now. Instead, you could work on drawing up what will and won’t work for you – making it clear that if he isn’t willing to discuss it seriously then if needs be you would rather live in a cheaper place by yourself whilst he takes some responsibility for sorting himself out. A good relationship is a two-way thing – yours is all one way and he has no reason to want to change himself whilst you are there to pick up the pieces for him.

Hope it works out – it’s an awesome move to leave your family and get to one of your dreams of Denver. Sounds like you are a very capable person and worthy of more than this. I hope you find it.

Mornin’ Shelby.

Tough time eh.  Like you with your brother, whilst I can reassure you that no-one, not even Martha, knows what the future is and that you are valuable, it’ll have little impact as when it’s what you feel, it’s what you feel – only you (and he) can change that.  I guess it’s not too surprising he’s suffering similarly, you both came through the same hurt growing up after all.

Your relationship was not a mistake. It was simply you trying for something you wanted and it failed. That hurts, it sucks. You now know that you are not compatible with a man who can’t commit to anything more than enjoying your company when he wants it. But you know what, just because it didn’t work out and you didn’t get what you wanted – it doesn’t mean giving up on the idea of that’s what you want. It doesn’t mean going back to the days when you didn’t admit you wanted these things, a place of your own to live, a better job, a good relationship, possibly kids.  They are still things you want – and things you can have.  Trying to go back to a time when you just didn’t admit you want them is not the answer here – figuring out how to progress forwards is.

If you re-read Kkasxo’s posts you will see that, similar to me at the time, one of the biggest things she did was to give up on the idea of knowing her future. Nobody can and it’s especially scary if you are the kind of person who doesn’t deal well with change.  Instead, she focused on dealing with the immediate problems before her that she could do something about. Allowing herself to feel scared and out of control without letting it take her over into a minefield of self-doubt.  Taking action is one of the biggest ways to restore positive motion, to restore hope. It’s why the daily exercise and diet feels good – it’s taking action towards a goal you want of looking and feeling better for example. It’s why the decision to travel or not isn’t really about travel at all – it’s just about doing something towards what you want.

Yes, you feel lonely as hell and it doesn’t help when your best friends seems like she’s abandoning you. But she will be there if you let her know how you felt.  I don’t know about your therapist, you can see from posting on these threads some people get some awful ones – not bad people or anything but ones that don’t help them. After three years I can totally get not wanting to change but perhaps you need to talk with them about how it’s not helping you. Not much point paying out good money just for a cosy chat, they are there to push you when it’s needed in a safe way.

Life is all about the little things – they add up to the big things. Now tell Martha to b@gger off and let you get on with putting your life back together.

Morning Shelby,

Tired out and with those pesky hormones, they don’t help do they…

Regardless, there’s a lot of truth in what you wrote, a lot of total sincerity which I’m honoured to read. Thankyou for being brave enough to share.

No, we aren’t all the same, life would be very dull if we were. And yes, some of us find it easier to look to the positive than others, same way all of us find some things easy, some things hard.

Admitting that one truth deep down is hard, it takes honesty with yourself. As once acknowledged, the only way through is change or acceptance. Being grateful for all the good in your life just still feels ‘false’, if anything making you feel guilty for not being happy with ‘enough’. I think you will understand what I mean.

And yes, I have a lot of happiness in my life but the thing is, I wasn’t always this way. I haven’t just been one of the lucky ones to get happiness, though I know the kind you mean. A lot of people don’t really think too much about their lives, they have no real need to, no traumas, no fears, no hang-ups to overcome.  But I’ve had to work hard to allow myself to be happy, to not fear I will lose it all again and even harder to allow myself to be emotionally close to anyone. I still fight those natural urges to protect myself by running away, either physically or emotionally, though with so much practice now it comes much easier.

What I am trying to say is that I get it, totally.  When you’ve been abandoned or let down by someone you trust and love absolutely, it makes trusting in happiness and being open with people that much harder. And when it happens a lot, it’s the only pattern you know.  Shelby m’dear – you’ve had so much loss in your life – losing both your Mum and then for all intents and purposes a second Mum – I honestly have no idea how you found the bravery to even try being close to your ex. Those losses taught you that good things that you love with all your heart can be ripped away without warning. And so you learn it is safer to not be happy, not to hope for happiness because that way you will not have to hurt again. That you should settle for being ‘ok’, at least it won’t lead anywhere dangerous that may hurt you.

Even thinking about those losses is like poking an open wound, I know. But that deep down voice that knows you are unhappy – that’s why I know you aren’t someone who is just unhappy.  That’s someone who wants to heal but just needs some help to get through. I am really hoping you manage to be brave enough to talk with your therapist about your Mum and best friend, I know how hard that is going to be. But I honestly believe it’s the only way to start to stitch together that hurt in a way that actually heals. That allows you to trust in getting to know happiness and contentment. To know you are enough, strong enough.

The loneliness deep inside is true wherever you are. It is only by showing your true face to others that real connections happen. It’s a scary thing to do, well, for me anyway – took me a long time to learn. It’s kinda what I meant about way back, about trying to stay “open to life”. We all have bits of us we think others won’t like, won’t accept. And you can’t get hurt by not sharing, only by opening up. Either travelling or not, the only time  I’ve made real connections is by being brave enough to open and share the real me.

Realise I have gone on a little now, I hope by sharing I’ve let you get a sense of what can be, what I’ve gone through and learnt. In the meantime, a big hug and all my support heading your way. Take care.

Sofia.

At 15 it is pretty hard to do anything which ruins your whole life and very very few people, if any, are truly monsters and not redeemable.  I really don’t see you as being one of them.

Everyone makes mistakes, it is how we learn. And that is what matters – not how “bad” your mistakes are compared to others – but making sure you learn from them.  So if whatever you did has made you feel bad, work out why and what you would have done differently, so that you can know better next time you are in a similar situation.

Comparing yourself to others is a losing game – there is always someone better/worse, prettier/uglier, richer/poorer/smarter/dumber, you get the idea. In the end it doesn’t matter – what is important is how you feel about it and what you do about it. Feel free to share what mistakes you think you have made here, if that will help you figure out what you could have done differently.

Morning all.

Ha, yeah – that’s a full on long weekend for sure Shelby – I know what you mean though, no way can I do two or three in a row anymore without turning into a zombie and feeling like cr@p!!  Sounds really good fun all round though which is awesome. We ended up bumping into some friends whilst out on the bikes and so that turned into a merry afternoon too 🙂  At least with the week off you can recover somewhat, even if it does mean sleeping all Thursday! Maybe you can call it a travel research day and basically lie around with your laptop or whatever….. Seriously though, I know you are still up/down and in between but just try to best enjoy each time you get a break from feeling sad without wondering why. Any monthly pattern and you gotta think your hormones aren’t helping you much…and I’m so glad to hear the healthy diet/exercise thing was really helping……now get back on that……when you can get off the sofa…….. 😉

Kkasxo – as ever, hoping all ok with you and that you are just too busy to check in. Take care eh.

Redkarrr – sorry to hear you are also going through this. There is light at the end of the tunnel, it does get better, it just takes time and effort to come out the other side. Sounds like you are doing all the right things to help yourself as much as you can. Be gentle on yourself, you will be ok.