Morning Kkasxo,

Glad I can help when I can, try my best! I get it when you say you are done, done trying. And yeah, maybe once you’ve got some energy back you’ll feel like one last go. But it’s also absolutely fine to know when to quit too. The wisdom/difficult part comes in knowing as best as you can which is right for you now.   As ever, we go up and down in strength – one golden rule I try and live by is to never make an important decision whilst in a bad frame of mind – they don’t turn out so well! So take your time figuring it out, give yourself the space and time you need.

I know your dream is for a ‘normal’ life, the marriage, kids et al. It’s why you react so strongly to others getting what you want. It’s ok – it’s just recognising that you know what you want and you don’t have it – just a more grown up version of when we cry as kids when we don’t get what we want.  Ofcourse you are as deserving and as capable as all those you see around you. Not a doubt about it. But the world doesn’t operate on a set of rules, much as most people would like it to and would like others to believe it too.  There is no “if you are good and do what is expected, you will get the happy life/marriage/kids set-up” guarantee, despite the heavily enforced society/media expectations that it should be so.

The only thing you can control in life is your own actions and your own choices – and that’s why they are just so powerful. The better you know what you want, the more you can choose things that take you in that direction and turn down those that take you away from what you want. It really is that simple when you boil it all down. So at the end of the day, if you don’t believe staying with Mr A is going to lead to a happy life/marriage/kids and that remains what you want – then the action choice is simple, if not necessarily easy.

Knowing and making choices that are in line with what you want out of life is when things become easier, less fighting against what isn’t working and going with what does. Like Shelby quitting her job – a lot of people will (and have! ) give her grief for doing something so ‘risky’ and not ‘normal’ – but what would be far worse is staying in a job that made her unhappy and despite her best efforts to change it from within, wasn’t going to happen. It wasn’t ever going to turn into her dream job. Knowing and accepting that is the hard bit. After that, simple decision and into action – and knowing the decision is aligned with what you want makes it just that little bit easier to turn it into those actions needed to change it. Again doesn’t make it necessarily easy, taking her course and working damn hard to pass with flying colours, leaving her job so as to be able to take up a new one, investigating new ideas. All involve risk, all involved effort. But already you can see the actions working out.

So the big one you are working through – is staying with Mr A going to help or hinder you towards that good relationship, kids et al. Is this something you can work through and become closer than before, tougher as a couple than before for getting through the trauma. Or will you continue to fight each other, not listen to each other and grow further apart.

Shelby’s question is a good one. It resonates with something I was going to suggest that has helped me work through times like these. It can be all too easy ( and no judgement here at all as perfectly natural ) to focus purely on what you want, what needs of yours are not being met, what Mr A has done to let you down. But try looking at it from his perspective or at best neutral, get back to the facts.  It’s often helped me to understand better.

For example, this is how I would see it from what you have shared here….. You met Mr A some 4 odd years ago. It was fantastic, amazing and you both shared honestly what you expected/hoped for from the relationship – confirming that Mr A does want to get married and have kids, that was how he saw his future with you too. You trust each other absolutely. Everything is good and you are both merrily jogging along the path you want together. Then two years in, some event happens that traumatises you, which , as best as I understand it, involves Mr A’s family. (Not asking to know more, don’t need to know and know you don’t want to share which is absolutely fine). However, instead of supporting you as you expect, Mr A sides with his family, as you see it. He lets you down big time. The next two years you fight your way through counselling for the PTSD and depression the event causes. It’s the toughest time you have ever faced and you face it pretty much alone with Mr A’s lack of support. Through hard work and determination, you learn how to better handle yourself, tools to manage the negative triggers and emotions. You start to emerge again. You & Mr A have been off/on during this period, it’s not great at all but it’s not over, you still feel that you love him. He supports you through the anniversary of the trauma last year, as the only person who really understands it. Once you have survived that, you continue to improve and gain strength. Then your family is due to leave the country and it forces the decision about where you will live. Despite thinking he wouldn’t commit, Mr A surprises you and you find a place together. He does his part in making it happen and you move in together. It starts ok, it’s wonderful having your own place, you feel safe there.  The second trauma anniversary hits you hard, around the same time as your family leave. It sets you back, hits your energy hard. Mr A is not especially supportive. This awakens all the anger at him for not being there for you, at making you deal with it by yourself – again. You no longer feel you love him or can see a future with him. He has destroyed the illusion of safety for you.

People make mistakes but they don’t change unless they want to themselves. What are you expecting from Mr A that he isn’t doing and is he working to change it?   Yes, in a good relationship you care for each other but ultimately it still sits with you to heal and look after yourself – it is not a fair expectation to think Mr A can make it all safe for you. No relationship is 100% safe, not even parents and unconditional love, as Shelby knows all too well.  What are you really angry at him for? Not choosing you over his family when the trauma happened? He stood up to his family by moving in with you, choosing you over them now. What do you want from him that you feel he isn’t giving you? What does he want from you?

Tough questions I know.

Hope it helps as you work through it. Mostly, just take care eh. Hugs.

Hi Rod.

A lot of people fight so hard to stay alive because their fear of the unknown is so strong – alongside loving the life they have still. Myself personally, I am not religious so do not believe in the ‘traditional’ views of what happens after. But I do firmly believe in making the most of what time we get. Life can be so amazing and yes, it can give you lemons too. Learning to deal with both is a lot of what the journey through is all about.

You sound exhausted. This is absolutely a safe place to write down all and anything that troubles you. If it helps lighten that heavy pack at all, it will be worth it.  You will find people here willing to help and listen, not judge.

The ‘good’ thing about knowing your troubles were self-inflicted is that it means you are aware enough of being able to change if you want to. It sounds like you are already trying, which is brave. I hope you continue to find the strength to share here.

Take care.

Yeah! Huge congrats on the high merit passing – that’s awesome. Well done you!  I love your therapist’s idea about the volunteering too – it just sounds like something you’d get so much out of and so would others. Plus you’d get a really unusual portfolio which will give you an edge for possible future work. You know, it’s so amazing how often this kind of thing happens, when you close one door ( as in your old job ) new ones open up that lead you to better places. Who knows where it could go but I see nothing but good from looking into that for sure.  As we’ve always said, your life won’t change unless you change it – this is a really cool example 🙂

And hey, you know I’m on the ball 😉  Mostly!  But a big daft hug for you anyway – you know it doesn’t matter if I or anyone else am disappointed in you, it’s what you think about yourself that’s important. It’s letting yourself down, that’s when it hurts.  It’s not that I won’t advise on the situation with the ex, I know it’s still a huge part of what you are dealing with and I’m happy to help you continue to move forwards. But what I felt wasn’t helping you at that point in this post was to continue to indulge the sadness, the sense of trappedness, if that makes sense. I knew you had choices and I knew you had the strength for it. And although I also knew you wouldn’t like it, same way I really didn’t like it when it happened to me, we all need people who can occasionally do the whole gentle shove thing as well as the tissue mopping.

You will not be surprised to hear I entirely get the whole travel in the gut, dreamer thing. One of my favourite things growing up was my globe and maps, absolutely fascinated by all those other places.  I think it’s one of those things that either calls you or not…it’s actually really nice to hear you being able to at least hear that gut voice again.  I won’t disagree, travel is different on your own. Travel with friends is also different than in a relationship. Travel on your own simply gives you something else again, perhaps not the romance/sharing memories parts but you will get that sense of pride, of reconnecting to your younger self and knowing if you can face these fears, you are good to face others. Plus an awesome tan and some brilliant memories and stories 😉

So, honestly, when planning it out, I’m a big fan of the ‘less is more’ philosophy.  Especially if you have a limited budget ( who doesn’t?!?) then it’s usually better to leave yourself some wiggle room for the unexpected rather than push it to the limit. More relaxing for sure. Given you aren’t sure you want to be away for all that long, I’d be tempted to keep it relatively simple, book an open-jaw flight into one major airport in SE Asia, make your way down with the budget airlines/local transport and fly back from NZ/Oz. Open-jaw is just the tech term for a return that begins/ends in the same place but flies in/out of different places. Cheaper than two singles, bit more than a standard return which can be limiting. Adding in some Asia will lower your average cost a lot so say you went for Thailand, you could fly into Bangkok, make your way down to the Thai islands, from there it’s pretty easy & cheap to get to KL. You could also add in Langkawi like I’m going to do – it’s literally a £30 plane ticket to the duty-free Maylasian island from there. Then you could carry on down via Bali from where Oz is a short hop. Something like that perhaps? You’d want at least three weeks to do that any kind of justice so I figure by the time you add in your Oz/NZ travel, you’d be heading back home for Christmas? So personally, I’d just fly back from there and save the US for next time. Slow travel is your friend remember – I find that anything less than 3 days in one place gets tiring really fast and doesn’t let you get to know it so usually aim for a week min. You also get a lot of discounts on AirBnb and the like for week stays.

Hope it helps – and congrats again on the high merit, really pleased for you.

Mornin’ Shelby,

Ah, the joy of people’s reactions to anything ‘not normal’, that doesn’t follow societies well-scripted path…I know I got, and still get, a lot of reaction to my early retirement for sure and I don’t exactly go around telling everyone as that would seem like showing off to me, not my style.  I wouldn’t be surprised if your brother is so mad as it makes him think a little about his own choices, perhaps just a little envious you are doing something he’d quite like to do but doesn’t have the courage to take the risk.  It just tends to get expressed as “hey, are you mad or what…that’s so irresponsible……do the right thing like everyone else and put up with your lot….etc….etc ” Am I close 😉   Good work on agreeing to disagree, best outcome.

Not that it matters but no, I’m not disappointed your travel drive is motivated by your ex. Tbh, I’d already kinda figured it was, given he was into travel and wouldn’t expect you to be able to do this on your own.  Hey – your ‘talking’ to the woman who spent the first 4-6 months post break up with pretty much all her actions directly motivated by ‘proving’ myself, all the weight loss, exercise, travel etc. I remember my Mum in particular shouting at me one weekend when she realised it was still all about him. But you know what – in the end the reason for the drive didn’t matter. Just doing it was what mattered – it was that taking action, increasing confidence & self-belief, all the ‘good’ stuff, that comes from facing fear.  So yeah, I’m with your therapist here that it’s your fear speaking up again, Martha’s just throwing a wobbly – “what, first your job and now this, are you crazy?!”.

Weekends were always tougher for me too, plenty of time for the self-torture to creep in. Good to hear you are sticking with the walking – don’t be too tough on yourself about wanting to be with people, you do what you gotta do at this point.

Reality check on budget is good, though people have very different ideas of what a budget can achieve. Assuming you don’t want to share details here but if it helps, our 2 months around Asia cost under £3.5k for both of us, everything included, all accommodation,food, drink – and cocktails 😉  You can’t quite half it for one but close, so £50/day is a generous enough budget. We didn’t do it budget style either but SE Asia is cheap. The flights to get there are the big part so the longer you stay, the cheaper your daily average. There’s a ton of good budget airlines/boats/buses that way once in the region. Oz is obviously more expensive but if you line up a few house-sits etc, that will save you on both accommodation and eating out all the time.  KL is so cheap – planning on stopping there when we go back next year – you can get amazing hotel rooms for next to nothing so defn would second that recommendation.

If you want to go only for a few weeks and your heart is set on Oz, then just focus there. Staying in a few places for longer instead of moving around every few days is both way cheaper and gentler on the body – slow travel remember!

Not sure where your sisters went in Thailand but I’d have to disagree with them there – it’s an awesome place so long as you stay away from the big tourist trap places.  It was so friendly, so cheap, gorgeous scenery and weather, amazing food, awesome culture and I’d have to say probably the safest place I’ve felt – literally turned up late at night in Chiang Mai but instantly felt comfortable, despite all the strangeness.  Needless to say, it’s already on my list for going back post Christmas next year!  But I remember you saying you didn’t think it would be for you, and that’s what’s important here.

So my take, listen to your therapist, acknowledge your fear and recognise it’s driven by your ex but hey, do it anyway. You’ve wanted to try it for so long. Plan out something realistic, manageable but with enough of a stretch so you get to feel the joy of exploring.  Even if you go for just a couple of weeks, it’s still an awesome thing to do.

Hi Barry.

Your story sounds a lot like another on here you might like to read from a poster called JHK.

You can see it did not end well each time he let his insecurity get the better of him, making him ask ‘heavy’ questions as to what he may or may not have done wrong. Constantly apologising when it wasn’t needed to try to get over their recent rocky times etc.

If you want this friendship to last – you need to let it breathe naturally. And accept that she may just not want to be close friends anymore, or just needs space for a while, all friendships go through phrases. Let her lead, don’t push. ANd don’t be scared if it is no longer a friendship, you will be ok.

Hope it works out.

Morning Kkasxo,

Wow, yeah – you really aren’t asking for an awful lot from him sounds to me.  Planning out evenings, dinners, talking….that’s just the basics (to me anyway!) of living with someone you love – and it should still be huge fun and a novelty given how recently you guys moved in. Otherwise, yeah…..he’s more like a lodger, or thinking he’s still living at his parents!

What did he say in response? Does he see/agree how he could have handled it all differently last year? Can’t help but agree, it’s way less lonely to be on your own than ‘with’ someone who really isn’t there with you.

It is exhausting when it just keeps all running through your mind for sure. I’m so glad you are looking after yourself as best you can. It sounds like you are slowly figuring out together(ish..) if there’s a long-term future or not. Sometimes these things just need to come to a natural end, slowly, calmly, no shocks for either.

Travel update latest…..have decided to head out for a few days in rural Spain before we go to SA, so will be spending 9 days in a tiny village near Ronda, Andalucia at end of Aug.  Cheap flights, nice AirBnB house and my best bargain ever – car hire for the whole trip for £5 total!! I’m still waiting for them to send me a message that it must be a mistake but I have an official confirm and everything! Mad….

Shelby, hope all goes well up there, looking forwards to hearing from you too.

Morning both.

Entertainingly managed to fall of my bike yesterday – an impressive gravel skid across the carpark. So now I feel like I’m 10 again with badly grazed knees and elbows…….sigh…at least nothing broken, not even my cycling glasses! Apart from that it was good to catch up with the old friends who turned up just as I was mopping the blood off myself!

Kkasxo, I get the cycle you describe. And that you are pretty much too emotionally and physically whacked out to think too deeply about it right now. As/when you are ready, no hurry.

Sometimes we all go through a patch of ‘ok’ and it can be especially hard if you are talking in different love languages – so things you do which you think are loving aren’t necessarily interpreted by Mr A in that way and vice versa.  You also had a big shock when he got knocked off the perfect pedastal he was on previously – and probably are either knowingly or unknowingly still angry at him for your perception of him letting you down so badly.  If he was the one who was supposed to be looking out for you, how come he wasn’t there for you – and how are you supposed to believe he will be there for you next time. The blunt answer I guess is that he probably won’t be. But that doesn’t necessarily mean it makes the relationship ‘wrong’ , more of a examining if your expectations are fair. As in, he’s not your parents, it’s not unconditional love and you have equal share of making your dreams come true and being able to look after yourself. Fair is expecting him to be there, to be supportive, to work together with you and to help you for sure. But not to do it for you. You get the idea I know as you are a smart cookie. Not knowing what happened in the trauma I can’t tell if he was to blame or not – I get the sense it was his family that were actually the problem though, not him specifically?  I do still get the sense he wasn’t even half there for you though and that’s something you can eventually figure out if what he can offer is enough for you or not. But like said, no hurry, you’ve been through a lot and still more change coming up. You need to get your strength back first!

Shelby – guessing it’s not far off the potential big day of handing your notice in? Hoping you aren’t too freaked out?! Either way a new job will be good for you, travel or no travel.  Hope to hear from you again soon!

Hey, morning both.

A rough night sleeping last night – wisdom teeth playing up, usually wears off overnight but not this time……sigh….will wait it out a little longer before caving in to a dentist visit though 🙂

Kkasxo = so good to hear from you, thanks for catching us up – figured it was being a rough time. Sounds like you are slowly making your way back after all the anniversary triggers. Yeah, having your own place is great but it sure does add a tom of stuff to do/look after which sounds like it’s all piling up on you. Whilst we’re at home for the summer we’re supposed to be doing all the maintenance jobs we get to leave whilst we’re away travelling. Have to say, whilst I love my house given it’s so personal to us having built it ourselves – it sure is dull re-painting and all the rest, so many better things to do!

I take it Mr A is not exactly pulling his weight in helping you through this time, either emotionally or physically. Whilst your description of a situationship made me smile ( such a Kkasxo good word ) it also didn’t, as I’m reading that as things haven’t exactly improved since the wedding. Guessing you don’t have too much time or mental space to think about what you want to do there yet.

Honestly – yet again – admiration for you on getting through all this. You could have very easily spiraled down and you haven’t – you’re keeping your chin above water and swimming. You can feel the strength in you from here – as well as the exhaustion. Take that break whatever way you can. Goes without saying happy to help on flights if you are serious 😉

And Morning Shelby, hope all goes ok ‘up’ there ( but not as far as Scotland! ) Everybody down to earth again now the festival is over? I’m supposed to be cycling out later to meet some friends later, will see how I feel with this stupid head/tooth ache – pain really does get in the way huh.

It’s weird, I never thought about my relationship being a mistake because of all the pain afters though I get what you mean. I think I just have a lucky tendency to quickly move past things I know I can’t change, spend time on things that I can instead.  Though thinking about it now maybe I should occasionally think more to learn from them…

Take care both – you have both come a long way from where we started. Hang in there, it will get brighter ( if only because the sun’s still rising here it’s so damn early….!! )