Hi Manon,

A different perspective, perhaps a way in to why you can’t let this go, when you can’t stop letting your SIL have this piece of power over you when you don’t need to let her do so.  I understand it’s frustrating your husband won’t agree with you and you probably feel let down that he’s “picked her over you” on this one thing. You can’t understand why he doesn’t see them the way you can.

But it’s not really about taking sides.  I suspect given your own family, you were eager to find another family who loved you and when it started so well, had high hopes. When these incidents occurred, it would not be very surprising if they triggered all the same old feelings of betrayal and not belonging to your own family – and now also this ‘new’ family are rejecting you, not including you.

Like others have said, it does seem a bit of a pathetic power play by the SIL who wants to be in charge, come what may. But if it wasn’t a trigger point for you because of your own history, you’d be much more likely to see it the same way – and it wouldn’t bother you so much as it does.

You have your own healthy and happy family now, your husband and kids. That’s huge, awesome and wonderful given your struggles. Try not to punish your husband for not seeing what you can see, perhaps try and explain your own perspective too. Then accept it is isn’t going to be the bigger loving family you wanted and that’s ok – you already have what you want and need in your own family.

Hey Kkasxo.

No worries, hope work settles down – been there, done that – it’s tiring stuff, battling through.

So, Mr A…..I see…..yeah, that’s pretty much what I was getting at – if you put a timeframe around your hopes/expectations, it very quickly helps to see if you are both thinking the same way.  Two years is a pretty reasonable thought – apart from having fun you’d also want to make sure you guys are back on track and happy too before getting into marriage and kids. His reaction says it all right.  That much freaking out suggests he is a lot less ready for marriage/kids. It’s really helpful in one way for you, if not what you want to hear. At least you know where he is at.

Funnily enough allegedly my mum had to pretty much push/persuade my dad that it was the right time for kids, he was a bit more like your Mr A, hey, what , already?!  Though they were already married for 4 years and in those days you were deemed past it at 21!

You’ve got an amazingly good, clear view on it – exactly right. It isn’t anybodys ‘fault’ if you now want different things – or even if you want the same things but at different times. If you could get him to think through when he would see it happening and compromise, then great. If not, sad but ok, you can deal with that too. Better than waiting till you are 30 and it still doesn’t happen. As we’ve always said, you can’t change people and you can only deal with the reality in front of you.

Take care, it’s tough, but you sound like you’re doing ok working your way through it.

Hi Peggy – wow, thank for that, very appreciated. Been a while since anyone’s likened me to anything angelic 😉

Let’s just hope it helps Tannhauser and we can support him through his pain.

Hey Kkasxo,

Tbh, I was trying to stay quiet since you and Shelby were chatting and my travel stories didn’t seem a great fit at that point….

Honestly though, sometimes, actually most of the time now I find – simple is both the best and most honest. We’ve not done much apart from walk, hike, eat and drink ( 1.25 for a large glass of good red anyone?!? ) – the place we are in has zero English and it’s fantastic.  The guys in tight pants on horses for the fair were an interesting display too!!

You know what though, when I read your words – I know what you need to do and I know you know it too. Relationships run their course, you have learned what you were supposed to have learned and your heart knows it is time to move on.

I actually don’t believe you are destined to be one of those aunties, though I remember feeling the same at the time. You have to make space in your life first before new and better things/people can fill it. You know that. It’s just not easy to cut that last string.

Bizarrely – and not something I expected to share – I had a dream about my ex few nights back. It was actually amazingly peaceful where I let him go, no blame, no anger, no regrets. Despite being over him for a long long while, it was a good feeling waking up.

Let the good into your life – make the space and I’m pretty sure you will find you feel more positive, even through the sadness of letting go of old love.

Take care – you too Shelby.

Hey Kkasxo,

Ah, I’m sorry…..that’s no way to enjoy the rare event that is a sunny bank holiday in the UK…..

All good here, visited parents today before heading out to Andalucia on Weds. Had a bit of an upset with my sister – my whole family are a bit emotionally up/down and can be hard work – but all good now. Had a bit of a weird moment out on our bikes when we got stopped/diverted by a fatal cycle accident – one of those there but by the grace of type things. Not that I’m religious but it was odd as a number of things stopped us setting out when planned which meant we missed the accident timing. Always a slightly surreal feeling.

You will be ok, I just know it. You just need to gather the strength for the next phase. Indulge your feelings, sofa, netflix, snacks…….hide from the world and recuperate until you are ready.

Take care both.

Shelby.

I’ll write this as gently as I can as I know it is triggering for you. But from everything I’ve learned about and that you have shared so openly, I wouldn’t be being honest with you if I wasn’t brave enough to speak up about what I see as the elephant in the room here, even if it will upset you.

You believe you are deeply grieving the loss of your ex and the hopes you had for a life together. And that is absolutely true but I do not believe that is all. I believe it is also triggering the extreme loss of two incredibly important people in your young life, your Mum and your best friend/step-Mum.  I suspect you did not allow yourself to feel the huge pain at the time, way too much to handle without help. It hurt so bad it had to be contained. I suspect you may well have been brought up to manage feelings, to pull yourself together and suppress them as best as you can instead of being able to express them raw and naturally. I think the depth of those feelings scare you as to how you would ever get back to yourself.  Since those deaths you have buried feelings so deep you haven’t even known it, not known your true self. Looking to ensure they can’t hurt you, keeping you safe. The relationship with your ex was the first relationship since where you allowed yourself to feel, to hope. That feeling of panic each time you sensed it may end, that anxious attachment style – purely triggered by panicking you would have to feel something akin to those deep sense of losses which you still don’t know how to handle.

Kkasxo has been incredibly brave in sharing her pain and how there is a way through. I know you can do the same and we’re all here to support you.  I’d love to hear you have been brave enough to return to your therapist and try that grief method he proposed – they sound like a wonderful person to help you through.

Hugs and strength to the both of you.

John.

You are getting a lot of good advice on here and yet you are unable to change. Plus you continue to focus on things which as a grown man you can recognise are not the priority here.  You can sense it is as frustrating for others trying to help you as it is for yourself.

I understand that when you are so far down in the dark, it can seem impossible as to how to escape.  Your sense of helplessness is real – but it is a feeling, not the truth. You do have options, including financial ones.  If you truly want things to change, you are going to have to be the one to change them. It is not going to happen if you continue to do nothing but hope that your current partner eventually tires of you or that her family will step up to take care of her. It is not going to happen if you continue to hope that your ex that you pine for returns wanting you and takes you back to a happier place. Simply – waiting for others to take the responsibility of your life is not going to happen – it is your life and yours to change. Your other choice is to accept this is how you will be for the next two years and further – is that what you want?

So – you need a plan. You need to focus on practicalities for a while, not emotions. I get it, you are a very emotional man but you are focusing on the wrong things and torturing yourself and others with you.

Financial options – you have already said you have a lot of stuff/assets. Instead of looking for a place big enough to keep them, these can be sold to raise funds for the deposit. Yes, you might not want to but these are your choices given where you are at. Your girlfriend has options too. Cell phones are a luxury when you can’t afford food. Even in the US, there are benefits she should qualify to apply for to provide food and shelter for her kids. Have either of you even talked to your local government rep about what financial help is available. I would suggest she goes on her own as do you. There are also plenty of resources online who will help you and her work through where money can be saved and what help is available. Your situation is not uncommon.

So there are options – just not ones you may want to consider or take. You are not hopeless, the situation is not hopeless – there is a way out but it involves decisions and actions, not more hoping and wishing things were different. And not more distracting yourself with daydreams of better times.

If you don’t deal with the reality in front of you – it won’t change.  We are all here to support you, it’s not easy. But is is doable. If you really want it to be different, that is. Small steps and you will be on your way to being the man you want to be, at least be the man your ex would want if she were free.

Take care.

Hey both.

Kkasxo – awesome, truly awesome. So proud of you.  Being able to speak up for your own dreams and recognise they are just as valid as his, that’s huge.  Whichever way it goes, you know you are being true to yourself and that’s all you can do. I am not surprised he reacted differently – it is a different way of being and one he is not used to from you.

I know you didn’t mean it to be funny but I did smile at the “hypothetical” examples. Honestly, hilarious – “this imaginary bunch of flowers that I thought about but didn’t even tell you about, why aren’t you happy about them”?!  Yeah…..right…

He has had a bit of a history of saying the right thing but actions not backing it up a number of times, right. Dreamer, maybe, I get what you mean, defn not an action do-er for sure. Though some times it just sounds like he hasn’t really grown up, isn’t ready to give up on a sort-of single lifestyle of nights out with his friends and whatever else he’s doing. He may have left home but still treating your place like he’s going to get looked after and all the benefits without him needing to put in any effort. It’s no way to live like room-mates, what’s the point?! But you know he has a fair point about you not forgiving him and it showing up in a number of ways.  If you guys are going to go anywhere, you are going to have to be able to get past that one somehow. Do you get the sense he truly understands and recognises why you are angry?

Either way – as said – nothing but admiration you are having the conversation. I hope it carries on well tonight but either way, you will be ok and again either way, you will be one step closer to your dreams.

Shelby – not rambling at all, I got it.  Whilst I get it’s frustrating to see you go back to square one so to speak, at least you now recognise what you are doing. That is progress. Ofcourse it niggled you when he didn’t reply, your ego has been kicked hard lately and it’s not as if it was in  a strong state to start with. So when he didn’t reply, it was just another small kick, hurting the old hurt more than what it should have.

You know, I wouldn’t be surprised if a part of you was also afraid to turn down the offer completely and wanted to keep it there as an option even when knowing you aren’t interested as far as you can tell.  Whilst you want to be happy on your own, independent and the rest – at the same time you have the other half of you still screaming at you “this might be your last chance for a relationship and kids, can’t let it go to waste”. Helpful, helpful brains….

You know, the simple pragmatic answer – if you don’t want to be the one who writes last, don’t answer one of his messages…. The reason you do is you still don’t have enough belief in yourself that he’ll get back to you again. Even when you pretty much don’t really care – it’s still an ego boost to have the attention and it’s interesting to get to know new people, possibilities. Even more than Love Island ( allegedly…).

But what’s more important, is being able to truly not mind either way. You are working on it, you have improved – look at how much more resilient you are now to your family and work. Men are still your weak spot because you want to be in a relationship so bad, you fear it won’t happen. This not replying just triggered that deep fear that you aren’t lovable/good enough. You are but it’s you who needs to believe it. All the actions you are doing will increase your resilience to hints of rejection. Bizzarely I’d bet that it’ll be when you no longer worry about not meeting the right person that’ll it happen for you.

Take care both. X, you too.