Hey all,

@ Genie. Ah, tough luck on the ankle. Take it easy & you can at least get out for a walk once it’s healed up some .Even if not a run, it still helps. And yup, no worries – just let me know when I can help. It was so encouraging to read about how you opened up to your new guy – that takes guts to do and it’s awesome he’s responded the way he has. Slow and steady, no need to rush, just find out how you fit together. Being able to talk honestly to each other is a huge part of a good long term relationship but I know first-hand how scary it is to open up so kudos to you.

@Kkasxo. Cool to hear from you again and huge congrats on the new job. Yeah it may not be your ideal but it’s always easier to find a new job whilst employed as it’s so easy to lose confidence in yourself when not in work. Who knows what it’ll lead to and at least it helps your financial pressure too eh, which has to help.  It is tough to stay in the present moment, especially when you’re the kind of person you are.  Glad to hear you are still working on it – absolutely, all small steps count – in fact, it’s the only way real change happens.

@Shelby.  Good news on the project – it does really help to have something you have to do, life is definitely a balance and neither too much or too little self-awareness/thinking is good for anyone!  It’s funny to hear you say you are directionless since you’ve been pretty clear on here about what you’d like.  You’ve talked about setting up your own beauty business, sorting out your finances so you can travel more, finding a man to have a good relationship with and possibly kids too. That’s three big aims right there!!  So I think it’s more you just don’t know what steps to take to progress with each of them. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from my journey to get where I am today – like with Kkasxo, it’s not the big steps that make it happen – it’s all of the tiny steps you take that make those dreams happen. So when you find your mind wandering to it’s well-worn groove of thinking about your ex, perhaps try and devote some of that time to thinking about what actions you can take towards those goals.

I understand the fear of becoming reliant on the new guy and it’s good you are aware of it. I think a few pages back we talked about how eventually you need to be able to soothe yourself instead of always looking to others, be it a guy, your therapist, friends, whoever. It’s good to have a helping hand absolutely, we all need those but there’s a difference between need and want.  Perhaps you could make sure when you talk with this guy it isn’t all about you, your feelings etc, going over the same old ground. Listen to him too, do the give/take thing so it’s an equal relationship, not a new dependency for you.  Talk to him about your dreams and brain storm ideas to progress them together – that’s powerful positive stuff.

ML – yes, all of us here understand that pain far too well. I too was totally blind-sided and in a very similar situation. Honestly, contact does not help pretty much anyone. I know some people can be friends with ex’s but I don’t believe that can happen until you are both emotionally separate people again. I.e. you can imagine having a conversation with him about his new girlfriend without feeling terrible. Three months for me was still way too raw for anything like that but everyone is different. Concentrate on you, on the boring but oh so helpful stuff like healthy eating, exercise, friends, family. It takes time to accept what has happened and how much your world has changed – but it does come.

As ever, hope it helps all. I shall be leaving for Asia on Friday – bring on the sun!! Will reply as when I can as ever.

Hi all.

First things first – apols for the long radio silence my side – it’s been crazy busy since I got back from SA end of Nov, what with a trip to Prague, three birthday’s to sort and then everyone round mine for Christmas – followed by now frantically sorting out this year’s first trip back to SE Asia with two weeks to go! All good stuff but no excuses for the delay.

Second things second – can you believe it’s 2020?! Happy New Year even if you don’t feel all like celebrating right now.

@Shelby. Awesome 6th sense…let’s see if it works again..!  Is the retail job finished now post Christmas or do you keep going until you find something else you want?  I wouldn’t worry about feeling a fake – better to know how you are feeling than ignoring it.  I know you want to read things into him contacting you for your birthday but honestly, I’d bet money on he just thought it was the right thing to do – especially after that’s what you told him to do.  Either way what’s really important is that even if he did want to get back together – it would be for the same thing you guys had before, nothing different and not what you want and need in your life.  So yeah, does it make your heart yearn again for the impossible, do you imagine he’s changed after missing you etc etc – ofcourse it does & you do, that’s human. But each time you acknowledge the feelings but don’t act on them – choosing to deal with reality and pick a path forwards that’s good for you, that’s another step forwards.  I’m also sorry to hear it didn’t work out with the new guy, though not surprised from what you’d said. It all depends on what’s most important to you about a relationship but you can’t force it if it isn’t right for sure.

@Genie.  Wow – if you’ve read all 92 pages then you’ve read a lot of my advice and experience here already! Ofcourse I will try and help, though if you don’t hear back from me promptly it’s usually because I’m travelling somewhere and no wi-fi, as these guys know! Along with the pragmatic tips that helped my battered self-esteem e.g. eating well, exercising, getting out with friends & crying on their various shoulders, forcing myself into new experiences etc etc the biggest thing that helped on the emotional side was practicing being absolutely honest with myself and working hard to separate reality from my fantasy/rose-coloured specs. Really good friends and family can be lethally helpful with this too and it’s worth way more than sympathy, which is great but reinforces the feeling of loss, not the reality that it simply wasn’t right.

E.g. the whole “I’ll never meet anybody as good as him” is something I understand as I felt that at the time too but it just isn’t true.  Being regularly depressed and anxious in a relationship is not exactly a sign of the “best relationship ever”.  It can be scary to be on your own for sure, especially if it is your first time doing so, as it was mine.  But being on your own is way better than being with the wrong person.

In fact – the best thing I did to move on properly was to be truly comfortable by myself, able to look after myself both financially and emotionally. Like you, I’d lost the person I was before my ex and had become incredibly dependent on him – something it took me some time to be able to recognise – that’s that honesty with yourself thing kicking in! It took me a while and a lot of positive actions to find myself again and be happy with who I was alone.

The big upside of it being that when you do eventually meet someone, you aren’t looking to that person to ‘save’ me, ‘look after me’ or ‘make me safe for ever’ – as those things don’t exist – you do those for yourself, supported by loving people around you for short periods but without becoming dependent on them for it. I.e. I then had something to offer a relationship, not just take from it, which is crucial to any relationship going the distance in a good way.

What I’d suggest you start with is trying to calm the panicky feelings that are coming from your fear, try looking at your situation as your best friend would see it. Every time your fear tells you that your ex is the best you are ever going to get, acknowledge the fear but correct it with the truth – it was not a good relationship for you so even if he was the most amazing man in the world ( unlikely, sorry! ) he still wouldn’t be the right man for you. And that’s what matters, what’s right for you.

@Kkasxo. How goes it all? Sorry to hear you didn’t get that job, irritating when you click like that. Usually means somebody else made the final call but still hurts. Should all pick up again in the New Year I guess. More importantly, how’re you coping & how did you guys get through the festive break?

Hey both,

Finally checking back in from SA! Sorry for the radio silence, all good here, still loving the travelling and pushing my boundaries. There’s always more ways to grow as a person – both emotionally and physically, given how good the food and wine is here!! 😉

To be honest, I think the Insta post is only half right….it’s hard to know what your soul truly wants, away from all the pressures of society, family and friends. A long learning and experimental process. Too many people still have the view of “if I could just have x,y or z then I will be happy” but there’s always another x,y and z if you have that mindset. But I do know what you mean when you feel it resonate and I do think it is true if you have put the effort into figuring out what you do really want/need. Most people just skip that part though!

Anyway – to more useful things…yeah, it can be scary when you are out of work and in need of money but I think the biggest thing I’ve learned is life is all about how you respond to what gets thrown at you – as it will always, always throw things at you no matter how much you plan and try to protect your security.  Sounds like you are already both doing what you can to find a job – so perhaps try to embrace the free time to do all the things you wanted to do but couldn’t when you were too busy working.  E.g. exercise every day, cook and eat well, learn new skills – so many free courses online these days, plan out your next travel trips for when you do have cash again.  Make it a positive time and it will also shine through as/when you have to get through interviews. Shelby – did you get in touch with volunteering your make-up skills at that hospital, make any plans as to how you will get your business off the ground? Kkasxo, are you sure you want to stick with the same kind of role?

As to everything else – something that struck me when reading both your last few posts – have you ever tried thinking about your situations from your future children’s perspectives?  I grew up with a very anxious, insecure mother and it took me a long time to unlearn those lessons and develop a different way of responding to events/people.  If you had kids now already, what kind of example would you want to be setting them? How would you be advising them and helping them find their way through these situations?

As you guys know, finding the “right” man and having kids doesn’t suddenly make you secure and confident – that’s something you have to do yourself and what you are working on now right, before kids and marriage.  That’s why your trip was so epic Shelby – not because of the bucketlist items ticked but because it was something you were terrified of but you did it anyway. That’s a huge lesson and example to be able to share with future kids. As to not being able to afford therapy right now,  I bet you could write your therapists response to you yourself, you know them so well. And that’s what good therapy is all about, teaching you the skills to be able to soothe yourself when anxious, not to need your ex or therapist. Kkasxo – honestly – I have no idea how any father could behave so coldly and no idea how you even began to deal with that kind of rejection and breaking of trust.  But yeah, Mr A is not your father and at some point you either have to forgive him for his mistake, everyone makes them and he seems to have learnt and be genuinely sorry and trying to fix things from what you describe. No future man is going to be perfect, just doesn’t work that way. Yes, it’s natural to feel envy when people seem to be getting what you want, even I felt a twinge as all my friends went through the wedding/kids phases and it wasn’t for me. Makes you feel left out – and it’s not even something I especially wanted.  And whilst I’m sure your friend is going to be very happy,  I think just now that I’m 20 years (almost!) into my relationship with my other half, it’s been very obvious which relationships have lasted and which haven’t or are just unhappily together. It’s the relationship that’s important, not the window-dressing. And they take effort, always. But the reward is worth it, always.

Curiously, Shelby, I had a very similar first relationship post my split.  I actually did end it after a month or two, as I could tell he was way more into me than I was into him and didn’t want to hurt him more down the line. It was the first time I’d ended anything and I can see now it was something I had to learn, to choose what wasn’t right for me – as much as choosing what is right.  And you know what, from here I can see it was just another part of my healing, something else I had to go through to get to where I am.

So yeah, whilst you might feel like you want to get off and have a break – keep at it, you’ve both come a long way already. Try and do anything positive that will help and accept the negative as something you can’t change. Take care both.

Hey both.

Absolutely I know what you mean about it gets in your soul – it’s inspirational stuff in all kinds of ways.

Whitsunday Islands look absolutely stunning in pictures so I can only imagine how good the reality must be!  You should be incredibly proud you have made it there by yourself – I know it isn’t how you wanted it to be but instead of regretting never making it in twenty years time, you now know you’ve done it, achieved one of your dreams and made it happen yourself – that’s awesome powerful stuff to know you can do.

I think everyone gets a little homesick when travelling around – it’s one of the big reasons why I stay a long time in each one – I like getting to know people there, having them recognise me and chat like friends. It’s funny – we’ve (re)met by accident several people that we befriended on previous visits entirely by accident and it really helps feel like you fit in like a proper local.  It’s not too surprising you started having stronger regrets on your ex when feeling low from being ill, a bit homesick and then rushing around whilst amazing is also incredibly tiring. It’s pretty natural to want your go-to comforter (in your case, your ex) when you are feeling a little less than awesome, a bit like the grown-up equivalent of a teddy bear for lack of a better way to describe it!  But knowing you are still having moments you are loving the experiences, where you are proud of yourself for making it happen – they’re the ones to cling to and let sink in. And just do what you need to recharge those batteries so you don’t feel quite so lost and tired and therefore needy.  A big hug from here in South Africa anyways to help you along the way to enjoying your next place!

Hey Kkasxo,

Reporting in from Cape Town!!

Seriously, I get it. You are hurting bad. But it hurts so bad because you are still fighting reality. You want it to be different. You want Me A to step and be your one again. You want your life to be “on track”.  But your gut knows the truth. It’s going to take you making changes you are scared of.

I ‘know’ you well enough through this blog to believe in you and I know Shelby does too. You do have the strength – you have been through worse and you are a survivor. You are awesome. You can do whatever you need to do

You can also join me & Shelbs in loving up the sunshine, a way better natural seratonin!!

You take care and believe in yourself now. Check back in tomorrow.

Hey both – just a real quick one to wish Shelby well on the start of the big adventure tomorrow!!! Hope all goes well and you are packed & ready!

Kkasxo, hope you’re doing ok there  too and enjoyed the sunny weekend at least.

Hey both,

Ha, Shelby, know it well, the “I have way too many tabs open and now I’ve forgotten what I’m looking for”….t!!  Like everything else in life, the more you do it, the easier it becomes. I was helping out a friend plan out her trip a few weeks back and she was like, how do you know all this stuff, which was nice as hadn’t really realised how much I’ve have learned!  Funny we are both flying on Tuesday – must be the day for it!  Really look forwards to hearing how it all goes – you are going to have so many experiences and be so proud of yourself for just doing it. Like with your job, once the decision is made and done you start to wonder why it took you so long to get there and do it. It’s awesome to hear you write about it in that way already – a real step change.

Kkasxo –  sounds like the universe is giving you one helpful push after another eh. Hang in there, you’ll be absolutely fine and I have zero doubt you will end up in a better place. I had something similar early on in my career when I was settling in to a job that really wasn’t good for me – and then it ended abruptly with my boss not extending the contract. I was really upset at the time but in hindsight ( as ever… ) it was the best thing they could ever have done for me as it forced me to go find something better, something I wouldn’t have done without that giant push.  So yeah, it hurts but you know you will find something else – something better.

Remember, stability comes from within, not from external things/people. You are still you, you are still ok, whatever happens on the outside.

Take care both!