Hey both – don’t want to disturb you both but honestly, you’re both sounding so much stronger, ‘meh’ is awesome compared to where you guys were just a few weeks back.

Kkaxso – such a big well done for sticking to your guns and no contact for a week, especially as he’s reached out looking to fall back into your normal painful pattern. It’s only by doing different will you get a different outcome.  It’s hard when your own nature means you want to look after him too, even just as friends rather than in a relationship, but you just don’t have the mental strength for that right now. Good choice.

Shelby – this other ex sounds like a perfect opportunity to practice saying no to what you don’t want and standing up for your boundaries. Honestly, I’d probably go for simply telling him that meeting up just the two of you isn’t something you feel is a good idea but perhaps in a group if that works if you do actually want to see this guy as a friend. Else just not.  An excellent way to help your self-esteem by sticking up for yourself.

Anyway I wanted to share one more thing that helped me no end once I’d eventually got to my meh most days, incase it helps you guys too. Basically, I tried my damnedest to not shut down and stay open emotionally even though it hurt like hell – to allow the occasional happy flutter, be it from a warm sunny morning, a cheerful/energising song or whatever would catch me offguard from feeling sad and lonely. Often I’d panic or feel guilt at doing so since it was a small step forwards to not being miserable all the time, which felt like giving up on him/the relationship. Shelby, like you, I’d somehow fallen into letting this guy be most of my life so I worked hard at re-building old friends and new, huge focus on losing weight & getting fit and getting back into work proper. By staying open, I was eventually able to do so many things I thought I would only do/enjoy with him, including travel, which I never thought I’d do again. It wasn’t what I wanted but it was what I needed to learn how to become independent and capable of being happy on my own. Happy to share more if it helps but hopefully you guys will understand and it’ll be some use to you on your own journey through this.

PS Kkasxo, it’s amazing what can be done these days eh! Absolutely – don’t skimp on something you are literally going to have to look at everyday, get what you pay for and all that!

Oh Kkasxo, I know you are hurting bad but you are brave whether you feel it or not at the moment. Each time you try to escape this toxic relationship is that small brave part of you standing up for yourself, knowing you deserve and want better, given a stronger voice when fueled by your anger to override all the other voices that exist in our heads, hearts & gut.   I know you think it is your more rational self trying to see a balanced, fair picture once you cool down but ask yourself honestly, isn’t it as much the voice of fear, panicking about letting him go whilst you don’t know or have any evidence or knowledge on how to live or be happy without this relationship.

You sound like you have a couple of great friends supporting you through this, which is huge. Trust me, I would put money on your friend who’s just split is hurting just as much about splitting up, but she’s ‘only’ dealing with the pain of leaving a relationship she’s decided isn’t right for now – it sounds like you are dealing with a whole load of other issues too as well as not being clear in your head that this is the best thing for you, which is just so so so tiring, right.

Love is an amazing thing but healthy love beyond those heady first months is a messy wonderful but very different thing. It’s healthy to know you could live without him if needed, you just simply want to be together very very much and you are able to work your way through problems instead of avoiding dealing with them. It’s a world apart from needing to be with someone because it’s the only way you feel safe and able to deal with what life throws at us.  It sounds like you have a very dependent relationship instead of inter-dependent and very much like my first relationship. Honestly, the best thing you can do to give this relationship a chance bizarrely is to stay away, become independent, happy again and then see if being with him adds to your happiness instead of taking from it.

Low self-esteem is often behind dependent relationships too, making it hard to stick to your boundaries of what you want from the relationship, e.g. trust – and sometimes even prompting that voice in your head to question if anyone else will ever be able to love or want you, even . Crazy I know but sadly true.  A balanced life is about more than a relationship, it’s about friends, family, health, work, hobbies, self-growth and so on – what else in your life could you work on to help feel better about yourself instead of concentrating all your mental energy on this relationship. Shelby’s suggestion on developing some different coping mechanism’s for your upcoming difficult period is a brilliant one for sure.

Realise I said I’d butt out – but I hate hearing you hurt so badly so hope it helps. We’re all rooting for you!

Kkasxo – the biggest hug for you – so brave to make your decision and want something different & better for you.   One step at at time.  Cling on to that better future you. Take care, know it feels like cr@p right now, it will get better. Shout if I can help.

The pact sounds a fantastic idea – and I love that you’ll both be back here one day passing on your own experiences to try to help others too, won’t that be great when you get there.  Your therapist sounds great btw, glad you have someone like that to talk to.

Honestly – the decision to choose to go forwards is the hardest step – everything else from there is hard but you are no longer in the constant whirl of what-if. Kkasxo, sounds like you started down the road and felt this but have looped back round for one more try. I think I was lucky (?!) in that my contact with my ex made it very clear to me very quickly that there was only one way forwards for me – and it was without him. I choose no further contact from that point simply because it was too painful for me and that was the only way I could deal with it once I’d come to that conclusion, however much I hated it.  As you’ve both mentioned, you do have to get to the point you literally can’t go any lower – as then the only way is to choose to crawl back up!  I don’t think it matters that you don’t know what’s next, I didn’t for sure. Realise it’s much scarier than the comforting but painful path of being in a relationship and way forwards that you know. Usually it’s easier to know what you do not want than what you do – so if you don’t want to be unhappy, confused, angry….stop choosing things that make you feel that way….

Entertainingly, a lot of my friends/family were very keen on the helpfully finding other men for me too, I think they just want to see you stop hurting so much and don’t always understand it’s like a death, not a ‘simple’ break-up.  I actually remember bursting into tears the first time I eventually got round to just kissing someone else – the poor guy was most surprised 😉  See – it makes me laugh now and that’s something I never thought would happen!

Hang in there, look forwards to hearing you guys get through this.

Hi Shelbyville,

I’m so so glad it helped 🙂

Understand completely – at the time I also had zero idea what the future held for me and how I was going to cope with a life without him in it. I took it a day at a time, some were better than others by far. Each day I had to make sure to mentally look forwards, not backwards as much as I could, again, easier some days than other. I actually made myself a mini-mantra ( although I didn’t know that was what it was back then! ) that I would repeat to myself at the lowest points.

Cutting contact for me was the only way to give myself enough mental head space to do the above. Any contact just put me back into a nose-dive of ‘what-if’s’ and ‘if only I’d said/done the magical right thing to fix it all’ – when in reality and the wonderful but painful truth of hindsight there was no such thing I could’ve said/done – and interestingly now, I’m so glad that there wasn’t. It takes time and effort to reach that point – but it is so so worth it.

Choosing to want to be happy ( the more positive version of not wanting to be unhappy 🙂 ) at some point in the future is a huge positive step  – and not feeling guilty or panicked about it either as you do slowly feel better, which happened to me often as I looped through this process.

Mark has yet again said it in way fewer words but yes, to move forwards, take a big deep breathe – it’s scary as hell to jump into the unknown – but do it, trust it and grow.  Like anything else in life, the more you do it, the easier it gets.  You can do this and your future self will thank you so much.

Hi Lola,

Sorry to hear you are feeling so bad at the moment.  I had a few thoughts on what you are going through, hope they are of some use to help see your way forwards.

A lot of focus on the boyfriend problem here – but if I understand correctly this only started when you left the country for your studies? It seems as if you are needing extra reassurance and familiarity/safety at this point – which is not surprising if this is the first such trip you have made on your own. Congratulations on getting there – a lot of people would not have made it this far.  The thing is, confidence and security (eventually….) comes from within, not from other people. I understand how it feels like the “wrong” thing to do is to start to explore, make new friends and enjoy this amazing opportunity – but there is no guilt in being happy without your boyfriend there. It doesn’t mean you don’t love him if you can be happy without him – and vice versa it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you if he’s ok without you there for a while. It’s a big part of being truly happy together as opposed to only being together because you need each other.  Imagine how pleased he will be if you can share stories of wonderful new experiences and what you have learned/done. Try and practice sharing one such story each time you speak to him.

Take a deep breathe, get outside if you can, it’ll help clear your head and calm down from the panic in there.

Take care,

M

That is tough, feel for you. I tend to agree with points made, no matter how she dresses it up, this is an affair – in some ways emotional affairs are more hurtful than physical tbh, my view.

The suggestion of getting to know his wife is a good one. I’m not much into pretending but I’ve also known tactics along the lines of calling her bluff to work – i.e. she may not be as ok and detached at the idea of you swimming naked, camping and kissing someone else as she thinks she is.

End of day though, you need to set your boundaries of what’s truly ok with you. And if she can’t work with you to meet that, you know you tried your hardest before moving on.