Hi Ben.

Good to hear you are both seeing counsellors in one way or another, they will be able to help with being able to talk this through.

One thing I wanted to share is that from reading your posts, it seems to me you could try to listen to your wife better as well as spend some time thinking through your own thoughts so you are very clear in your own mind what you want and why. It actually sounds as though she has actually described quite well some very clear concerns about having children. You wrote “she cited the discomfort of pregnancy the pain of birth, the financial burden and the loss of freedom”. Each of those is a very valid concern – how did you respond to each of these?  From reading your posts, it seems to me as if you see having children very differently. From your perspective – do you only want a family if they are your own biological children or are you willing to be open to adoption – does that meet your need for children/family whilst meeting her concern on the impact and potential impact of pregnancy to her.  What is your plan financially for the family – will you both need to continue to work? Has your job situation stabilised or are you still considering what may well be coming across to her as quite random career changes. Are you willing to be the main caregiver and be the one staying at home, taking the bulk-load of the child-raising responsibility?

My apologies if I have misunderstood but the impression you give here is of someone looking for a very traditional family set-up, which whether you mean it or not is pressure on your wife and not an attractive option for her. Whereas is reality there are a lot more choices and options on how to be a family that could meet both your needs, as you work through them. I suspect it would also help if you could demonstrate your own responsibility and reliability which would help her feel more secure in making these choices – you have a number of times you come across here as  ‘fun uncle’, ‘the (to her I suspect) random job changes’ and other remarks that I suspect make her feel she is the responsible one in the relationship?

At the end of the day, there is no right/wrong/should-do in these situations. Your dreams are as valid as hers. Do you know what she does dream of?

Well, you know yourself best for sure and I understand what you mean. People often think I’m this amazing confident women because of the stuff I take on but they have no idea how hard fought it has been to get here and often still is to leap. They usually say something like ‘oh but you make it look so easy!!! ‘.

It’s interesting though – like Kkasxo said a while back, if you read back to both your early posts, the difference is huge, obvious.  But I get that admitting you have improved is tantamount to saying you have moved on, just a little. And I wouldn’t be surprised if that triggers an immediate need to leap backwards as your brain tries desperately to persuade you to revert to it’s old comfort zone and forget about why it wasn’t good for you.   Knowing something and feeling it is as different as just wanting something or actually needing it. Yeah, I get what you mean all too well. I went through a serious health scare recently and ‘knowing’ that the odds were stacked in my favour, way too young, no family history etc etc did very little to help me ‘feel’ that I was going to be ok, to stop the panic and dark thought circles that I’d get into if I stayed unoccupied for too long. All is good now thankfully and bizarrely I’m now grateful for even that experience as it retaught me to appreciate my health and making the most of life etc.

Time away in the sun is good for anybody this time of year – yeah, you won’t escape your brain but it’s often amazing how being somewhere warm & sunny with something chilled in your hand helps it all feel better! I felt really really strange the first time I went away without my ex with a friend but I still had a good time.

Wanting to contact him again is different to needing to.  If you think you are in a different enough place yourself to get a different outcome and you want to, then go for it – it’s your choice after all! Honestly, the contact with my ex was the reality slap in the face I needed to move on. But everybody’s path is different and if you want to try one more time, ofcourse you can. I would say try to look deep and make sure the desire is driven by positive thoughts ( I’ve changed, I’m stronger, he’s willing to do what it takes etc ) and not negative/fear thoughts ( I’ll never meet anybody else like him, my life will never be happy again etc ). Make any sense??!

Kkasxo – hope you’re still ok this morning, I’ll leave you guys in peace now..

Morning both. Hmm, so I can see why that quote appealed to you but it’s not something I would personally agree with at all. All of us have way more control than we think on how we respond and deal with the various challenges and ups/downs that the universe throws at us.  It’s a conscious choice. There is never a perfect time for anything, it’s all about balancing the risk/reward, jumping, trusting, hoping, dealing. The more you do it, the easier it becomes each time. The first time is the hardest. Dealing with the same event, some people choose happiness, some don’t, I have seen both happen in people I know and love.  I have also seen very good friends give up their lives to this continuous analytical cycle and not be able to break free and move on, at great cost to their future happiness.  Very little is black & white in this world to give the kind of certainty you are are looking for. It just doesn’t exist and one of the hardest lessons is learning to accept that and yet still hope, trust, plan to the kind of future you want to have.  It is one the universe constantly throws at me for sure.

Shelby – I understand why you want to rule out all the What If’s and have a concrete reason that no longer needs debating in your head.  But I don’t think it exists and if you continue on that path it will drive you both mad with questioning and use your precious energy on something that is not going to add any value to your life.  The brain quickly becomes programmed to run down such familiar rat-holes as you know.  Sometimes, to deal with the thorn, it is worth looking at events with a fresh, less emotional, perspective. From what I understand, this guy hasn’t reached out to you in all this time without your prompting. I would say it’s pretty clear he’s decided you/a relationship isn’t worth the pain/effort he would have to face to have it. And that sucks. But it is also what it is. Constantly trying to figure out why and if there was/is anything you could do to change his mind is helping no-one, least of all you. You are worth fighting for. You know that, it’s why you decided enough was enough of going nowhere with this guy.  He has decided you are not worth fighting for and that’s his loss – don’t make it yours too. I think you would have struggled to be happy with a man long-term who reacted to challenges in such a way. You honestly can and will be happy – you just have to fight to open your heart, not romantically but to at least hoping if not yet believing in a happier future. What you focus your attention on is what becomes prominent in your life.  Choose to focus your attention on happiness and creating the kind of future you want, it’s worth your attention way more than pondering the past. Remember, your choice, your consequences, do different and be different. You have come a long way already.

Kkasxo – you are dealing with a hellover a lot. It is going to take time, way more time than you will like. You are not losing your mind – it is full to bursting with everything it needs to process and can only handle so much at at a time, which is why it will take both time and effort to work through and emerge the other side.  You are going to have to deal with handling uncertainty, which you will hate, I can tell.  Yes, the future is unknown and it is scary – but it is also exciting and full of possibilities, despite how it feels at times. The only thing we can control is how we respond to what life throws at us. A future with your ex has as much uncertainty as a future without him in it. Yes, it felt safe, cosy, loving and you were happy but anyone can get hit by the proverbial bus, affairs happen, unhappy marriages happen, life happens. We all hope and plan for the best, accepting these risks and invest our time and effort in our relationships to increase the positive outcomes, managing the negative ones as best we can. Relationships are not unconditional love like parents are ( should be.. ). There are no guaranteed happy ever afters in anything. You don’t know it yet but being able to deal with the worst and coming out the other side gives you such amazing strength to face your future with hope, knowing you have survived and could do again if you had to. It will be a journey, be patient and kind on yourself but know that you can do this and you are not alone.

I know this may come across as less understanding but I hope you read these thoughts as intended – a different honest perspective hoping to help you both break free from the cycles I can see you are stuck in. I wish you nothing but the best and trust you will find your way through. I look forwards to hearing in Oct how awesome you both are 🙂

Kkasxo. Try to breathe, calm. I know you are scared and at the same time angry at yourself for being here. It will pass. It has before, it will again. Try to be as compassionate to yourself as you would if you were looking after someone else in this situation. Is it possible to go be with a friend or call your therapist – you sound like you could do with some company if you are alone. I know your ex is usually your comfort/safe place – be forgiving on yourself if you need him now again.

You are stronger than you know but right now just accept and do the best you can to stay calm – it is all anyone can do. There is a way out but it is long – anything worthwhile usually is. And you are worth it.

Hang in there guys – I remember that part so well. In fact, I remember saying out loud to myself one day that I might as well give up on the idea of ever being happy again myself and therefore I’d give my life to making other people happy, so it had some use and purpose. Sounds crazy now but that was truly how I felt, nobody was ever going to be able to make me feel as safe, secure, happy and just so damn close as my ex.  Funnily enough, I think now that perhaps by giving up any semblance of control, terrifying and depressing as it was, helped me let go without even really knowing it.

There’s zero point trying to make yourself feel something, you either do or you don’t. Knowing something logically – as in you both sound like great, kind and intelligent women to me – and feeling it when you are down is a whole different ballgame. I do remember though when I had my especially bad times, if I or my friends/family could kick my proverbial off the sofa/bed just for a while, spend some time either in nature or with good company, it passed a hell of a lot quicker.

Morning all, been a while, catching up here. Sounds like some ups and downs for all, glad to hear you are all hanging in there and doing the best you can with where you are at – can do no more than that.

Shelby, for sure, I think it’s the same as grieving – the so-called process may be the same but people will go through it very differently, some getting stuck at a stage for ages, some apparently flying through them all only to land right back at the beginning.. It’s all personal, it’s our journey through life right.  I can understand why the happy weekend and the night out brought you down, it can be a pretty stark reminder of what you are missing in your life now. I think I had it easier in that it wasn’t too long after we split he started seeing someone else. Which was surprisingly helpful in moving onto the anger stage ( if you are curious, Green Day tracks were my new best friend…excellent words…. ) once I’d picked myself off the floor again….  When you know he’s still out there and available it must be harder choosing not to go back but forwards. One thing I’ve had to learn is to try to only consider situations/decisions when I’m in a good place myself, as otherwise my judgement is driven by fear/anger/sadness instead of either rational or hopeful/optimistic thoughts.  But your therapist sounds great in not letting you hide from dealing with it all – so irritating but true if you don’t want to go round the same loop again some point later in life.

Take care all.

Hey – so wanting what you want instead of goals or expectations others may think you should want is absolutely good, whatever it is. It’s all too easy to get sucked into thinking you want something because of external influences, not truly what your heart wants or needs. It’s your life to make the most of!

Having had the experience of being happy with yourself before this relationship means you are way ahead of where I was. What would be interesting to hear is why you lost that feeling in this relationship, instead of it adding to your happiness as you would both hope and want. I would hazard a guess that figuring out why this man became your everything, your happiness, your motivation, your drive but at the same time why the relationship didn’t add value to your life as you expected would be hugely helpful to either trying again at this one or a future relationship. Life is always going to be throwing things at us to deal with – if you look at healthy, happy, loving marriages with families you can see that they are based on being able to share openly, honestly, both bad and good and work through it all, instead of hoping no bad stuff happens or ignoring it.

For example, I was brought up in a tiny village in a strong people pleasing environment – so it was incredibly hard for me to (1) figure out what I actually wanted myself and not just want what others thought was best/normal for me and then (2) be able to deal with the panic that confronting people, especially those I loved the most, brought when I needed to disagree or do something different to what they expected/wanted.  As a bit of a natural empath, my entire mood could shift depending on external things, including my partner.  So I learnt how to eventually look to look internally instead and it brings a kind of calm to me as well as having improved all my relationships no end. When shit happens, it’s kinda like having a safe place within yourself to consider and then respond, not just react and be buffeted about. This is what I was trying to get at, not just being happy being single but being able to look within yourself for happiness first and then share it with others. It probably sounds daft but it’s helped me loads.

Would probably be a lot easier to chat about over a pint though – pity I’m doing dry Jan too!

Shelby – trust me,  there was a time I too thought I’d never be happy again and had pretty much written off ever expecting to. You will though – and if you get through this it gives you huge strength for facing future scary situations – for ages my mantra was, well, if I got through that then I can get through this. It’s actually amazing the difference it made to my life with all kinds of rewarding and exciting opportunities that I’ve said yes to instead of the no I would’ve done if I’d stayed with him. Which is why I’m now bizarrely very grateful to the guy for putting me through it – crazy huh 🙂  Just stick it out, one day at a time, try to enjoy any small thing which makes you smile or laugh, even for a second.