Morning Shelby.

Sorry to hear your pain was acting up so bad, that has to be tough to get through. You know you can always ignore my and anyone else’s helpful advice, especially when it is not so helpful!  How’s your sister coping – can’t be long till the big day then?

It’s the feeling blue part it helps not to lay around just thinking about how sad you feel. As honestly, the more you think it, the more you are it, if that makes sense. I think a walk with an old friend sounds lovely, hope you enjoy it.

Ah, come on Shelby, outta that bed…..I know it feels like it’s where you want to be but it’s actually the worst place for you. Everytime I did that I would just find myself sinking lower and lower – I am very glad to hear you are going to have to go out and meet your sister, honestly, just doing something shakes off half the tired meh. Get up, get out, get active. It’s the last thing you feel like which is why it’s what you need – how irritating eh!! Besides, remember , no wallowing in the past this week…..I want to hear at least one Shelby thought about something you’d like in your future….ideally not relationship related…..

Ha – yeah the big consumerism nightmare of V day, don’t worry, just another day and that one that really doesn’t mean anything to anyone given it’s so artificial, in my clearly biased view 🙂

Yeah, I can understand why it’d be hard to carry on with therapy when it’s so expensive here. It’s why I thought it’d be worth asking about how to get out of the plateau stage – it has to be a good balance of being pushed when you need and are ready for it I would think. See what they say?

All good here, I should probably be thinking about packing but loads of time yet…….sort of…..

Hey Grounded, so I think the problem is really with your underlying motivation of hoping your decision on the information sharing will somehow have an impact on your ex. It might, it might not – but it actually just doesn’t matter either way. This will likely sound harsh I know but it’s another one of those things that is doing you more harm in wondering about it than it is having any impact on him at all.  I share information according to the level of trust I have with the other person and how private I consider the information. Try to let your decision be guided without reference to any impact on him.  I’d also be curious why you are finding it hard to accept what you want – or did I misunderstand what you meant there?

Hey Shelby, how’s it going ‘up’ there? When do you next see your therapist btw?  Ha, yeah, it sounds a bit daft about the fairy thing I know but it’s a good way to unlock your brain by not thinking about the how, just the what. It’s also sometimes easier to write down what you don’t want too if having trouble thinking about what you do want. Got anything good planned for the weekend?

Well done, at least it’s done. He won’t hate you but will be disappointed probably. Either way, it’s not something you can do anything about and it’s all part of learning how being self-assertive is ok, especially when a natural people-pleaser, it’s scary opening yourself up to people not liking you for doing or saying something you think will upset them.

Glad you are having a go – it’s a bit like that old joke, if someone says not to think about an elephant, all you can think about is exactly that!  It’s probably worth mentioning to your therapist you feel like you are plateauing and seeing what he/she suggests to help?

It may help to spend your new-found thinking time to write down what your perfect life would look like in 5 years time, across all areas, family, friends, health, work, hobbies and relationships. Forget reality for a while, just literally recognise and acknowledge what you & Sylvie would like it to be if you had the proverbial fairy godmother with magic wand.  Try to be as detailed and imaginative as you can without being specific on people/things . I.e. “I would like to be married to X, have two kids and be promoted at work and etc etc ” are pretty lazy answers…. For example, if you think about it properly,  what someone with that statement really means when they say “I would like to be married to X” is actually something along the lines of  “I want to be in a healthy, balanced, committed, loving relationship where we are making plans for our future together, where he respects me, we do x, y, z together, our sex-life is great, we are emotionally close, we can discuss issues and agree where to disagree, we help each other grow as people etc etc…..”   The more you can imagine and know what you want, the easier it is to then say no to things that don’t bring that into your life. And simply by doing that, you leave space for those things to become part of your life instead of it already being full of something you don’t want.  Make any sense???!?  Don’t worry or think about how it’s all going to happen – for now this is just about listening and getting to know what you want and what you don’t. Feel free to share it if you can/want. The next parts the really fun bit about making it happen 🙂

@ Kkasxo. Hope to hear from you soon, regardless of what happened over the weekend and if you are back with your ex or whatever, just be good to know you made it through ok.

Ben.

Sorry to hear it’s been tough, though not surprised, it’s an emotional time for both of you. Clearly it is your decision on how to respond to the situation and taking time to think it through is wise as is ensuring you are comfortable with any decision you end with, either way.

As an outside perspective – I few things you mention that I’d consider worth spending some time thinking and talking through. Happy to help here if I can as can others I’m sure.

– If you continue to stay with your wife and accept her decision, it has to be on the basis of not hoping for her to change her mind, through therapy, time, hormones, anything.   Anything less than really being ok with expecting and planning for a future together without your own or adopted children will otherwise see you both going through this loop again just later down the line, despite your best intentions of not bringing it up.  Suggest you re-read your last comment, you have written several strong statements that suggest you are actually far from ok with this agreement.  It really doesn’t matter what anybody else thinks, as to if you have tried hard enough or should have done this, that or the other. At the end of the day, this is your life and your choices. Give yourself enough space to be able to hear yourself think as it can be difficult to work out what you truly want with all the different influences.

– Realise it is scary to consider leaving your wife. Try as best as you can to separate this fear from understanding what you truly want.

– It is worth thinking through anytime you and your wife have had other conversations on your future and you have not been the one to accept the compromise/give up the desire. I’m not saying this is or should be any kind of “your turn, my turn” situation but I have not heard you describe any situation as yet where it has not been you who has been the one to compromise or change.  If it is difficult to identify any then it may well be worth you continuing (with therapy if possible by yourself ) to work on your own self-esteem and healthy boundary setting.

Hope it helps and you come through ok.

@ Kkasxo, likewise, hoping you are making it through this one ok.

Hey Shelby – and welcome to Sylvie, a grand name! Yep, she’s quiet and sometimes real hard to hear but she’s always there and truly wants what’s best for you, unlike Martha. The more you listen and trust in her, the quieter Martha will get. But it takes time and practice and effort.  A thought for you to ponder on a walk on this wonderful sunny day – when you find yourself spending a lot of time missing him, thinking about him and the relationship etc and reminding yourself and Martha of what you are missing out on – how much effort do you put into consciously choosing to think about something else? It may feel strange to willfully “change the subject” in your head but what we choose to focus out attention on naturally then has our attention. It can be perversely comforting to go down the same old rat-holes and round and round the same ‘problem’, looking for a different way to ‘fix’ it this time. When in reality there is no magical new solution and there is no answer, just more mental energy wasted.

One thing that helped me was to consciously choose to focus on other ‘problems’ to solve in my life as if you have a brain that likes to problem-solve and analyse things out, it can be easier to refocus it that way instead of simply trying to stop thinking about the relationship problem and focus on other areas of your life instead.  You mentioned previously issues at work you’d like to deal with, focus on planning how to attack those. Or start to think about planning a big hairy scary adventure trip like you used to do. Just something not relationship-focused in the least.

Martha will scream at you for giving up on her favourite topic but it’s literally like a bad habit that needs the cycle breaking.

Hey, good to hear from you again Kkasxo, though sorry to hear it’s been so tough am not surprised, was wondering how you were getting on with your dates approaching. Literally, hanging in there and wallowing when you need to, whatever you need to do to get through it is the best you can do, so happy to hear you aren’t beating yourself up over it. It will be such a huge step and relief when past it and you have survived it. Try to cling to that thought and carry on hoping for the best, that’s just great you can half see the relief that will hopefully come. Take care you.

Shelby, I know where you’re at. I also could no way face being friends, it was simply not an option either. Some people manage it, I have no idea how. And yes, when I found out he was seeing someone else, I did not cope well with that at all.  Remember, there is no ‘should’ in any of this – if you are missing him like crazy, you are missing him like crazy, it’s just something else that is what it is. As you know, you have the choice to act upon it or not. I understand why you are not – and that’s why I said you have whether you knew it or not chosen the harder but better road. Because you are sticking it out so as not to go back because you need to but because you want to if/when you are both in different better places to be able to do so.  Seriously, there is no point wondering if there is anybody better or not – all that matters for now is that the old relationship ( rose-coloured glasses off…. ) did not give you what you needed/wanted. So your choice remains either being willing to accept less for whatever kind of relationship this guy did or will offer you or continuing to hang in there and get through this.  Let the future take care of itself, all we can do each day is that which will best help towards the future we want.

As to listening to your inner voice as I call it, it’s damn hard but gets easier. If you imagine your Martha as the loud, shouty voice in your head who’s screaming “I hurt, go back, why are you trying to change things, we were ok really, we could ignore those bits we weren’t too happy about, he’s the best you are going to get offered in this life, I’m scared and lonely dammit, go back etc etc”  then your inner voice ( needs a name too?!? ) is the quiet, reserved but determined voice that is very quietly saying “but I wasn’t really happy, I knew I deserved more, was selling myself short, he hasn’t bothered to try to fight for us, so he really can’t be the best guy ever and actually I’m really rather irritated by that etc etc” . It’s the one that has you waiting it out, goes to therapy, went on the weekend and so on, stuff that is helping you long-term. Walking made it easier for me to listen, something about the calm pacing outside I think – but sometimes I would literally have to resort to the old coin-tossing, you know, where if you don’t get the answer you really want on the first toss you go best of three……and so you know….even if it’s an irritating answer!

Morning all.

Hey Shelby, it’s only been a month since you’ve contacted, that really is no time at all, so it’s not foolish whatsoever, it’s normal, expected.  I know some people do seem to get through or over it much quicker but from those I’ve known, it seems as though it’s a more superficial getting over, if that makes any sense. As in they quickly look for another person to ‘plug the gap’ and are then surprised when that doesn’t work out either. You are taking the longer, harder but eventually truly happier route, wherever it may lead.

But none of that helps with the practical day-on-day “I just miss him dammit” eh, I know!! Depending on your state of mind, sometimes it can be helpful to try to think through exactly what it is you are missing/needing. As I progressed I would find it wasn’t always necessarily actually him, but more the feeling/memory of being with him – a hug, warmth, comfort, being safe, not needing to think about my future – feelings I so very strongly associated as only coming from being with him. I was pretty good at adapting the reality of the relationship so it was perfect with none of the niggles/issues to make sure I missed it more.  Sounding familiar at all??  But if I was already low/sad/lonely, thinking about it was the worst thing I could do as it would make me sink deeper into self-pity and I’d look to get into action.Hugs & contact from friends, family just weren’t the same, but they did help. So I would try to reach out and became better at making sure I had enough organised to meet my needs the best I could whilst I waited it out for time to do her thing.

Many people stay good friends with their ex’s, after all, you were best friends as well as lovers which is why it’s so hard to lose both at the same time. There is nothing wrong with contacting him, keeping him in your life and still enjoying his company like that, if he is up for that. It doesn’t have to be full on cold turkey, everybody’s way is different. It is whatever is right for you and you alone. It doesn’t matter at all what is ‘normal’, ‘expected’ or what other people think.  It’s only really a problem if you don’t feel ready/strong enough to be able to deal with trying to build a different kind of relationship with him, that it would stop you being able to look for what you need and want in your life.  And I think that’s where you know you just aren’t ready to be able to do that yet??

Morning Kkasxo, hope all going ok with you too?