Hey all. Good to hear from everyone.

Different perspectives are great, it’s how we all learn and look to grow out of our comfort zones,. Few thoughts from my perspective on this one;

– A wake up call is all fine and good – but what really makes the difference is sticking with it and helping people use that initial motivation to translate it into action.

– In my experience,  few people take much real responsibility for their own lives. They are used to being led and influenced in some way or another, be it family, partners, media, history etc etc. It’s easier than thinking for themselves and therefore having ownership of both mistakes and successes.  It takes effort to first understand this, let alone then work out what they actually want. And that’s all before they get into the real hard work of figuring out what choices are going to help make it happen. So yes, motivation is important but unless you follow through, it’ll fizzle out quickly.

– Don’t expect giant leaps, small steps are how true change happens and sticks. Positive thoughts are great but only if paired up with action. For example, someone looking to improve their fear of confrontation can think about having the courage to speak up, imagine themselves saying their truth. But only when they actually do it, can they feel just how powerful it is. Thinking about it ahead of time and choosing a small situation to begin with increases the likelihood of it succeeding – and therefore encouraging that person to try something bigger/harder next time. Both are needed to actually be able to conquer the fear over time.

– Absolutely, there are some people on this forum who are worrying about things that seem insignificant to us, magnified by the current crisis for sure.  It can be easy  to see and judge from our perspective that they really don’t matter in the grand scheme of things.  Without being in those people’s shoes and trying to understand their fear, it is impossible to understand and I’m not a fan of judgement. Everyone makes their own choices – so long as they accept the consequences of those choices and they don’t impact others – it’s their choice.

– Do I hope the pandemic helps people take a step back and think about their lives – absolutely. And if you can help a few see this – awesome. As Adelaide mentioned, whilst it works for some – there’s a big shame element in your message even if unintentional.  If you really want to make a difference – try and stick with it and help people through to that next stage of being able to make better choices and improve their lives. In reality, I’ve found most people are prompted more on a personal level but I do think a few healthy changes will come out of this. I do expect it’s going to be tough on a lot of people for a long while and so the more of us there are able to support, encourage & push as needed, the better.

@ DoseofReality. Am curious why you think you don’t have a high liklihood of survival. I’m going to assume health reasons. Regardless, I understand why that would prompt you to want to ensure your life has impact and it’s a good way to choose to respond – hopefully you will understand my thoughts are aimed at having maximum long-term impact, best as I’ve learnt how so far. Look forwards to hearing more from you.

Cheers all.

Hey all.

Yep, all good here, no issues with symptoms or anything like that. Just getting used to being back in the UK and dealing with everything.  It’s actually not that different for us since we’re used to being together 24/7 from traveling for long periods and since I retired we’ve figured out a decent ‘at home’ routine anyway. Obviously not being able to physically visit people and places is a huge restriction but I understand why we’re all doing it and just get on with making the most of our time with what we can do here, one day at a time.  I tried signing up for volunteering now that we’re past the 7 day wait post travel – but it’s all full! So have to wait a couple of weeks until they are ready to take on more people.

@ Genie. Yeah – give up the news feeds whilst you know they make you anxious! It can be helpful to seek out ones which aren’t quite so emotionally-driven as there’s an awful lot of unhelpful reporting going on and it can be easy to get overwhelmed if you have that kind of disposition. We can all freak out at times so it’s important to know how to ground yourself again. It’s really good to hear Jay’s helping you with that and as importantly you’re helping him. Cool.

@Adelaide. The downside of more time eh! Brains sometimes love nothing more than a good wallow, especially when they’re feeling down already, let’s pile on some unhelpful self-torture of wishful thinking and denying reality – awesome?! The best bit is I know you understand that’s what happening and that it isn’t real – being able to stop that downwards spiral is a big step towards ensuring that when triggered they don’t last as long or as deep as they used to.  Absolutely, when you feel those triggers starting, reach out and connect to people. Get outside for your daily fresh air, do something constructive, anything really. It’s always when motivation is at it’s lowest when it’ll have the biggest impact. Get over the inertia and feel the energy come back.

@CB. Yeah, I know it hurts. Adapting to your new reality of a completely different life is tough enough after 27 years. The inner strength takes a while to come, longer for some than others – hugely dependent on how co-dependent the relationship was and your level of self-esteem. After that long it’s tough to know who you are as a person since you are so used to being defined by your role as wife, parent, carer etc. It’s one of the big reasons relationships often struggle at the mid-life stage – it’s a big changing point for most couples and you either grow into it together or grow apart and want different things.  It’s painful to accept the reality that the old life has gone and all your expectations of what the rest of your life was going to be like are going to have to change. You can’t change his mind but you can change yours and your perception of yourself and your new future life. Basics first, home, money, friends, family, health etc. Baby steps remember. There’s lots of ways to reach out and connect during these tough times – like for Adelaide, when you are feeling lowest – reach out. Either online, here or otherwise, or to people you know.  A lot of people are struggling with loneliness right now and there’s a lot of help and willing volunteers to listen. Including here 🙂

@Shelby. I know you are avoiding being online but it’d be good to know you got through your test ok or not and how you are doing in your family. I hope it’s all ok as can be.

@Kkaxo. Just saying hi and hoping likewise all goes as well as it can in London right now. Are you still able to move in with your sister or has that been impacted by the quarantine restrictions on house moves?

@ Sammy. I hope you continue to post here or in your own thread. You are going through tough times and I know from my own experience all support helps.

@Becca – You know just from posting here that what you are living with isn’t right – I can’t imagine how hard it was for you to write in after so many years of living like that. I really hope you do reach out for help, here or wherever you are most comfortable with.

Take care all & reach out.

PS @Genie – Ha, mother hen indeed…….how old do you think I am 😉  Appreciated and understood though. It’s so good to hear you are working on showing Jay he is appreciated, reaching out to him and checking on him. It is very very easy to simply want to be looked after and kept safe – but that’s a parental type relationship. Real relationships are give/take and supporting each other when needed as you are doing. I hope he’s noticing the difference 🙂

Hey all.

Yep – I’m back in the UK. An interesting last few days for sure. Many cancelled flights, border closures and mandatory quarantine centres meant it was a little tricky to say the least to find a way back but the research paid off as our flight was one of a handful that flew just fine. Some fun and games with Vietnam immigration too – they are much tighter than the UK where you’d hardly have known it was lockdown when we came back via Heathrow. But we’re all good and now tucked up in our home which we fortunately always have well stocked. Our friends & families are all doing ok, even the at risk ones. So all a bit surreal but ok. Luckier than most for sure.

@Genie. I’m so proud of ya! You know what the most awesome thing you wrote was – that you would have turned your ex down even without having Jay on the scene. That’s just so good to hear – that you finally value yourself enough and understand that relationship won’t ever give you what you want and deserve. Love it.

@ Adelaide. Same goes for you. It is amazing how a big event can help get clear perspective. I loved this that you wrote “I wish them both well, but want to put my energy into connections that are fulfilling and will be strengthened during this time, not connections that cause anxiety”. Exactly so. Our lives are shaped by our choices. If we choose to fill our lives with people who love and respect us – it’s a great life. If we choose to let people remain in our lives who do not, then you have no space to find those who will. It takes courage to let them go and trust that life without such people is better than life with them.

@Shelby. Congrats on surviving the meeting with the ex. It was always going to be tough. It’s a real slap in the face when they treat you like a friend and it’s clear they’ve moved on.  Understand entirely why you are cutting back – it is very very easy to get anxious if you constantly read about the doom/gloom headlines screaming in from every direction. Keep it at what you can manage with. As I believe I’ve said many time irritatingly, nothing in life is in our control, as much as we would like it to be. We can just point our lives in the direction we want, make choices in line with that and then trust it’ll work out. Try not to go stir-crazy in your bedroom…that’s a tough isolation.

@Kkasxo. Hang in there m’dear. I know you especially love to be in control so I understand this is freaking you out big time. Try your best to sit with it, accept the things you can’t change and do the best about those you can. Talk to your friends and family as often as you can and stay connected, it’ll help. And scream on here as often as you like obviously 😉

@ CB. I’m sorry to hear about your shock breakup. Losing someone after 27 years of life together is literally that – a huge huge shock. It’s not just the loss of the relationship but everything that goes with it, your life routines, your joint friends, families etc. So much is shared and it’s a huge wrench to try to become yourself again. All I can say is if you got as far back as my “back-story” in this thread then , yes, absolutely it does get better. It takes time, effort and lots of back and forth. Times when you feel like you have progressed and others when you can feel just as lonely and scared as on the first day. But eventually, it does heal, if you let it. And you can be happy again, I’m living proof as are many others who have also shared their stories. But for now, it’s about dealing with the shock and trying to accept the change. All the usual things to help are more difficult with all the C-19 stuff but do your best to be active, talk with friends, take care of yourself.

@Sammy. Similar to CB, I’m sorry for the pain and shock you are going through right now. I remember it well. You sound like you have a very smart friend who knows you very well and from everything you have shared she sounds like she’s on the money. I know at the moment it isn’t what you want to hear – what you want is someone to assure you he will miss you, regret his choice, come back for you. Make it all ‘ok’ again. And wanting sympathy is absolutely fine, natural. It’s a cr@p thing to be going through and an especially difficult time with all the C-19 restrictions. But the thing is, it wasn’t all ok, it’s just going to be a long while until you can see that as right now it just hurts too damn bad.  Like so so many people on here, it wasn’t a healthy relationship and it wasn’t good for you. Yes, the drinking is a crutch already and I understand you want to blot out the pain.  You can survive this and you can choose which way you want to come out. Just do it slowly, one step at a time. Listen to your friend, reach out for help where you can. Take care – you will get it through and there’s a lot of support here for you to do so.

Hey all.

Well, fun and games here in Vietnam still, all a bit crazy as you can imagine 🙂  Several flight cancellations and a lot of time spent figuring out a way home that wouldn’t trigger a mandatory 14 day quarantine!  But hopefully will be arriving back in the UK on Tuesday morning.

@ Genie. You said before you appreciated people being honest with you. I’m with Adelaide on this one. Your ex is contacting you purely because you have a long history together and he knows you have a higher at risk than most sister that you will be concerned about. It is not a sign he wants to quarantine with you or to get back together in anyway, simply a normal human reaction to make sure someone he knows is doing ok in these crazy days.  Re Jay, I’m still with the wise Adelaide here too. Whilst you are so worried and anxious, your chances of reacting badly with him are sky rocket high. Put it all here. He has not abandoned you and it is not his job to look after you. This is your chance to show him how you can conquer your anxiety and be supportive, not draining and something else he has to worry about. Yes, it’s tough and scary on everyone as it’s all changing so rapidly. Honestly, the more you read about it, the more anxious you will get. Trust me, you guys know I’m pretty level-headed and have a good risk attitude but even I’m having to limit checking my flights still exist to once a day! It’s really really easy to get caught up in the media. A runny nose is not a symptom of anything but a normal cold or an allergy. Not C-virus.  Try as best as you can to stick to the facts of what’s known, manage what risks you can do something about – i.e. staying away from your sister and staying as healthy as you can. We are never in control and that’s what is scaring most people as this situation exposes that so bluntly. It will pass but it will take some time.

Hope it helps – take care all eh.

Oh – I almost forgot – this was Manson’s article in his weekly email. Figured worth sharing it here as it’s very appropriate to a lot of what’s discussed here. Hope helps!

https://markmanson.net/love

Hey all.

@ Adelaide. Wow, thanks! You have no idea how much it means to know my cr@ppy experiences and hard-earned life lessons have helped other people, much appreciated! I did smile at the idea of you screenshotting ( is that even a verb? who knows?!?) them!  Happy belated birthday too. I think Genie said it well for all of us about not making any possible contact from your ex the focus of the day. You’ve already come far enough to realise it wasn’t the right relationship for you, so even if she does contact you it’s not helpful, since you aren’t in the right space to want to be simply friends.  It’s awesome how much you’ve focused on staying open with other people and how many positive experiences it’s given you. There’s a big ‘Disney-esque’ romanticism pushed through media on finding the one person to fill all your human needs – which is ridiculous when you think about it in reality. Everything in life is a balance, including romantic and non-romantic relationships. It really is amazing what happens when you reach out to people and you are truly inspirational for doing so well.  As you can tell, I am a bit of a travel nut, especially now that I have retired so would love to hear more about the places you have lived if you don’t mind sharing.

@ Genie. Ha, yeah, right with you on how nice it is to know sharing our lessons and experience to help others. At the grand old age of 44, I got a few! It sounds like things are going really well with you now, slowly with the new guy and always looking forwards, not back. Congrats.

@Shelby. Yeah, I’m now in Koh Lanta, typing this from my balcony over the sea. It is very easy to live cheap here, most meals are £1-3 each, delicious fruit smoothies a £1 etc etc. People are so friendly, especially if you take the time to talk/smile. I love it. Will be heading off to Langkawi in Malaysia via Koh Lipe and then onto George Town before working back up to Vietnam, which I’m already looking forwards to getting my Mi Quang & Banh Mi fix! Sounds like you are still pretty stuck on not moving on and not taking off those rose-coloured specs……..I know there’s nothing we here can say to make that happen for you but I do hope and wish you don’t waste too many more years on holding onto your dream of him.  You know – that whole thing about not knowing what you want to do with your life is a big part of why you won’t let him go. He provided you direction and saved you from having to figure it out yourself or do anything about it. I know it’s so much easier to simply follow someone else but at the end of the day, it just creates a very unequal relationship – and hence a lot of anxiety in the one who’s doing the following. Honestly, spend any spare moment you get thinking about where you want to be in 5 years time – or for the ultimate shocker – try and envision your funeral and what you’d like people to be saying about you, what you would have done. Time goes by so fast and if you wait for life, it passes you by. Reach out and grab the life you want instead – I’m living proof 😉

@ Kkasxo – hope you are doing ok in this extra tough week for you. Take care eh.

Hi all,

Back online and now perched on my balcony in Krabi, Thailand. Loving being warm and sunny again – as well as all the awesome food 🙂  Definitely makes all the long years commuting and working my proverbial off worth it now!

Anyway – onto more important things, you guys.

@ Adelaide. Being able to feel anger is awesome. It’s not easy for a lot of people, especially if you’ve been brought up as a people pleaser or have low selfesteem. I found as I went through the various stages post break-up I’d see-saw back and forth through the different stages of sadness, anger, fear, acceptance, peace, forgiveness – it wasn’t a straight-forwards x to y to z thing.  Being angry means your self-esteem is alive and kicking, which is a good thing. A great thing in fact. I was incredibly angry at how fast my ex was ok, just didn’t seem fair when I was in so much pain.  These days I’m actually grateful that he did it as I like myself as the person I am now so much more. So it does change and you will flip-flop around, for lack of a better description but eventually the helpful feelings last longer and longer.  I think its fantastic that the experience has opened your eyes, recognising that you do want a relationship, it is possible for you. No wonder you are angry, you just think it’s possible and it’s whipped away from you.  If you’ve read 70 pages odd you’ll probably have seen my post on where one of the things that helped me the most was being determined to “stay open”. To not let one bad experience stop me from trying again. To not close myself off from trusting again. Not easy and it takes time and baby steps – but I firmly believe you too will come out the other side happier and stronger.

@Genie. I love the fact you shared Mark M’s post – I love his whole blog and have often recommended sections/articles. He just has a great no nonsense approach, as well as a wicked sense of humour. His advice is usually spot on, if people can take it in the way it’s intended – he doesn’t sugar coat anything. Sounds like things are still going well with your new guy, slow and steady and sharing your fears & hopes. Awesome.

@Rob. Having been with my other half twenty years in a couple of months, I fully understand the size of the hole that is left. Keep reaching out, either here or with friends nearby, we’re all here to support you as needed. Share your pain as many times as you need to. Focus on the here and now, keep yourself fed, sleep as best as you can, wash. The basics. It’s pretty much all you can do whilst it’s still so overwhelming. As above, you will cycle through a sh*t lot of emotions. Feel them but when you reach drowning point – reach out for help. You don’t need to go through this alone.

@Shelby. Yeah, it’s a shame you still haven’t reached the anger stage huh. From everything you have shared I would suspect you find anger hard in general. After all, it’s a confrontation of sorts – and you’ve mentioned that your general mode of operation is to run/take flight from anything like that. It’s also easy to feel that anger is “bad” when you’ve been brought up to keep people happy. Easier to just keep the peace and bury those feelings else you might lose control eh.  Intellectually you know it’s ok to be angry but emotionally you just aren’t used to dealing with it. Being angry also means accepting he isn’t perfect, isn’t deserving of that pedestal you still have him on. And if you have to take him down from the pedestal then you have to admit it really is over. And I don’t think you want that – you still believe and hope in your secret heart of hearts that he is still the one for you, hoping against hope that he will realise it too. Like I said, I have seen some really good friends get stuck at this point, great people who remain single twenty years later as no new relationship ever “measures up” to that one guy. Despite everything reality and their friends and family tell them :-).  So it’s not something anybody else can really help you with. At some point you’ll either decide you do want to give a real relationship a go and will let him go from that pedestal – or you can keep him there and stay safe from trying again.  Being busy is a good way to build new habits that lessen the pain but eventually it needs dealing with if you want to move on. Your choice, as always. Both are fine, just different paths in this adventure of life. Just don’t be unaware of where your choices lead you.

@Kkasxo. How goes it m’dear? New job settling in ok or all a bit over your head and swamped with new people and things to do?!  Realised you never said how you coped with your family going back home – are they all back now or are some still with you? I’m mentally sending you a picture of the sparkling blue sea and tropical jungle I’m staring at to help with that depressing British winter!!

Take care all.