Morning all,

Well – have made it safely from Cambodia into Vietnam!  Feels practically “chilly” being back at a slightly more sane high 20’s low 30’s instead of the high 30’s we’ve gotten used to – well, survived would be more accurate – must’ve lost half a stone in sweat cycling back from Angkor Wat! Fortunately plenty of great food and just amazing fresh fruit shakes more than made up for that….  Haven’t had too much time to explore here as yet as arrived pretty late yesterday but got out for dinner by the river in the local village – very entertaining as they seem to love having tiny chairs ( think primary school kid size… ) which I can do ok at my  5′ 6″ but my other half who is  6′ 4″ practically had his knees up to ears…..but the food was great, cheap, fresh, what more do you want…

Kkasxo – proud of you, well done. Being able to be that honest with yourself, recognising and sharing the reality of how you feel and where you are at is huge. It would have been much easier to pretend it was great than to be able to admit you can see he’s draining you, that you will be looking after him too.  Doesn’t have mean the time is right to action on it, absolutely, with all the change and shared history and still working through dealing with this shared trauma you have it’s not surprising at all you still some of your security wrapped up with him. But being able to be honest with yourself about it, accepting it as it is for now without hiding from it – that’s powerful. As you continue to become aware and stronger, then is the time to consider again what’s best for you again, naturally.

And I’m so pleased to hear you have taken that head out of the sand and getting into action on the flat finding – you are welcome for the pep talk, knew you could do it.  Did have to smile at the idea of you now frantically searching to find the alleged wonderful place – let us know how it goes! Yep, actions always speak louder than words. I’m sure this guy has every good intention but it’ll be interesting to see what happens when push comes to shove and it’s commitment time as to if he has the strength to go through with it. If I understand correctly the concern on his part of moving out from his parents is that they are very anti him doing so?  I hope you don’t become his replacement mother though……he’d better be expecting to help out with the cleaning and laundry… 😉

Shelby – all ok? Know you were having a very full on time of it. How did it go at the weekend – hopefully a bit of relaxing in there somewhere?  Are you back from being away with your ex ( is he still ex?? ), hope you got what you wanted from it at least.

Griff – hang in there. Yep, the first time of doing major things without your long-time support system is scary. But each first gets easier and you learn how to be able to make yourself feel better, not need someone else to do so. Which is an incredibly powerful thing for future inter-dependent relations, not dependent ones, big difference I learned very slowly the very hard way… how did the first day go?

I’m totally with Kkasxo on the as irritating/unhelpful as it is – there is no “why” or magic reason you can understand, it’s why it’s the toughest lesson in just accepting it just is. I think we all look for such an explanation as then there is something tangible to either “fix” or else be able to accept as something we can’t change and therefore it’s not such a total rejection of us, ourselves. It really is just like trying to handle the unexpected death of a loved one at the same time as trying to keep your self esteem up to handle the added perceived rejection. The first part is about adapting to life without them in it, dealing with the change, which if you aren’t used to be able to be dealing with being outside your comfort zone is even harder.  The rejection part is likewise much harder to deal with if you tend to have lower self-esteem. It’s why a lot of the advice on how to get through this is really about improving your own self-esteem and ability to handle change – increasing your own natural resilience. It’s why some people seem able to bounce back faster than others – it’s not that they feel it less but that they’ve either got or developed healthier coping mechanisms.  Which is also why you will hear a lot of people, including myself, saying they are so much stronger for surviving the experience.

All – hope that helps – I know how much it hurts – keep moving forwards, one step at a time. It does get easier and it does get a whole heap better.

Hey all  – back in the land of wi-fi and tucked up in Cambodia….apols for the silence checking in – but it’s been just an awesome few days here. It’s another place of contrasts for sure – we can walk from our hotel out into local life one way and see buffaloes, dogs, cockerels, kids bathing in buckets, all the kind of rural Cambodian life you’d envision – and if you head out the other way, you end up in tourist town with neon flashing lights, hard-sell markets, drunk backpackers etc. Now I know a lot of people these days get a bit “travel snobbish” for lack of a better word about popular experiences but seriously – seeing the sunrise over Angkor Wat and the hugeness of it all slowly emerge will stay with me for a long time. As will today’s trip out by bicycle, surviving the crazy traffic and getting to practically deserted temples in the jungle – having to give way to elephants crossing the road!!  Hope that updates both Kkasxo & Shelby at least, been over-due!

And on that note – Kkasxo – so……why are you waiting to June to move out…isn’t that when your family actually leave? I get it may be painful financially but for peace of minds sake I’d think it would be better to find a place sooner and get settled best you can, so as to be able to deal with them leaving a little easier..?  It would also help potentially call your ex’s(?) bluff on whether he is in this with you or not before you are left homeless or worse moving in with his family.  Is he helping you look at potential places, coming up with suggestions – or is it still “too far out” for him to be doing anything as helpful as that or telling his family.  You said it yourself – you don’t believe he’s going to come through for you on this – seriously, look after yourself first, get yourself a home sorted – it is not a permanent solution and doesn’t mean you can’t/won’t move in with this guy later if that’s what you want but it will take out one of the major uncertainties coming up that you can not avoid. Dealing with it is always far less scary than not dealing with it, once you get started. Remember, one thing at a time……

Shelby m’dear…..ha, sometimes we are clearly kindred spirits of a sort! I literally gave up my job last year to take up this travelling/working lifestyle and honestly – it is nothing short of absolutely awesome – so I really really hope you go through with it as/when the time comes with or without this guy.  No, I really don’t understand why you would put yourself through this loop again but I recognise it is something you feel you have to do before being able to move on. What kind of thing are you hoping for from him – what would it take for you to be “ok” to settle with him?  Obviously I’m of the opinion that settling for “ok” is not really what life is all about – but as ever it is what you think what matters. Has it made you feel less anxious, being back in contact?

Emma – I’m so so sorry. You may or may not have read my story about break-up I shared a few pages back now – but I was likewise blind-sided by my break-up, each day hurt waking up as reality would crash back in on me. Are you ok home-wise, family, friends? Do you have people to talk to – I had some great friends who would let me go round in circles on the why it had happened. It took me a long time before I came to realise the why didn’t matter and that actually if looking back, I could see signs it wasn’t working that I’d just been oblivious to at the time, being so happy in the relationship myself. Don’t expect too much of yourself too soon – but yes, there is light at the end of the tunnel, it does get better, I’m living proof having been through it and honestly, now much much happier than I ever was then.  Keep talking to people, stay open to hope and look forwards as much as possible, not backwards. Wish I could help more.

Trio – I don’t think just because you were the one who instigated the break-up means you magically become invulnerable to the pain of losing what was a big part of your life. Likely, the relief of having taken the hard decision means you are now left dealing with the resultant change to your life and getting used to a new future – which even when wanted can still be scary.  Harder when it wasn’t a clear cut “this is all bad”, but there was a reason that splitting up felt like the best way forwards to be honest with yourself and your feelings – try and remember those when you are feeling most scared about your future, it will help.

All – take care and look forwards, not backwards…

Hey Christine.

Sounds to me like you have a couple of different things going on here. I honestly don’t think he’s ghosting you on purpose as you interpret it but does seem like he is used to such a different way of life, different standards, different ‘normal’ –  that what he thinks of as acceptable behaviour, most people wouldn’t think like that, on both a practical/pragmatic and emotional level.

E.g. – it would have been ‘normal’ as part of the practical/financial conversation about what next for your relationship to consider selling his unmortgaged place and moving in with you, since your daughter is already settled there/schools etc. Or selling both & a fresh start somewhere together.  Likewise, as someone who’s done up a lot of places/renovations with her her partner, working through a proper plan together of what is needed, what you can realistically do and how long you are willing to take to do it etc etc etc. All practical, sensible,’normal’ conversations to figure out what works best for the both of you to join your lives together as you want to.

And that’s the real problem here I think, isn’t it. He is more like a young child still, no real skills or ability at looking after himself, let alone a family. The up/down energy, the all or nothing approach is very typical of someone who really wants something but doesn’t know, has no experience or knowledge, of how to not be overwhelmed, of how to deal with reality. Truly, you must be a little worried at feeling like you are taking on another child to look after rather than an equal partnership that will add to yours and your daughter’s life?  Sometimes the best solution is to step back yourself – trying to offer practical solutions, doctors, treatments, house project plans, will tackle the current resultant problems but not the underlying symptom of ensuring he is capable of taking responsibility for himself first.  Absolutely support him in looking to help himself as/when he is ready to really do so – but your instincts are clearly screaming at you to hold from going any further with this guy until he is actually ready to do so. Listen to them…

Morning all…another sunny day here, currently watching some sugar-birds battling it out to own one of the banana trees whilst having our morning tea/coffee – very entertaining to watch them trying to be ferocious given how small and cute they are….

Kkasxo – ha,yeah, hadn’t twigged but yep, it is funny to be surrounded by huge Buddha’s here and then catch up with you all on here! And yup, I’ve been through the sh** mill a fair few times, which is why I know there’s hope for everyone once they are ready to reach for it. Either with or without saucepans as I’m pretty sure they weren’t exactly an integral part of my healing, even if they were at least a decent set 😉  Seriously though,  I’m actually impressed you know you don’t want to move in with your ex at his family’s house, I can see how it would have been an easy short-term option for you to take, even with the difficult history. But not one I think would be especially helpful or healthy long-term for you, so well done. Even if tight, at least knowing what options your finances give you is one thing dealt with, done.  I would think about setting yourself a time limit on finding somewhere – perhaps aim to take the best place you can find in your budget by end May, so as you can be at least a little settled before your family leave, something like that?

I loved your quote – that one is just so true to me. Pretty much all pain is caused by fighting reality, wanting it to be different. Every single time that I’ve stopped fighting reality and worked with dealing with it instead, things have started to improve. To me, it doesn’t mean giving up or just letting life happen to you but learning to tell the difference between what you can change and what you can’t. Coveys circle of influence is a very practical example of this but it’s just the same with emotions, people. And it is amazing what happens in your life the more you practice it.

Shelby – NZ & Australia…..awesome! But with only a zillion anxiety attacks….you really must try harder 😉  Again, seriously though,  I think it’s great you will plan it out for either with or without your ex and I really hope you make it as travel is such a great perspective changer and a great way to look forwards, not backwards.  Btw, I think the Canaries are cool if you stick to the non Blackpool areas – did a house-sit on El Hierro last year and hiked round La Gomera & North Tenerife year before that, all wonderful.  Do you mean you will quit your job to go travel when you say finish?? That sounds a big step for you?  I’m happy to hear you are at least adopting a more realistic attitude with your ex, waiting to see what he actually does, keeping that mind open.

And hey Griff.  All voices welcome from my perspective, both male and female. I know exactly how rough that feels – it wasn’t until I discovered my ex was in a new relationship that it really hit home for me either that it was over, done. And it was exactly like feeling the break-up was new again, no way round it. In some ways whilst it’s awful it’s also helpful trust me, as it means there is no other choice but to deal with the pain and accept it, but it takes time, a lot of time and trying to hope, to look forwards even when feeling totally lost. You can see the struggles Shelby & Kkasxo have here in not having that same kind of relationship ending.  And you will doubtlessly spend ages circling round trying to understand ‘why’, why did they suddenly change, what went ‘wrong’, what can you do to change it . And the horrible answer is that it really doesn’t matter why and there is nothing you can do to change it. The only way I know through is to look after yourself as best as you can, eat healthy, exercise, make the effort to see friends and family, especially those patient enough to listen many times but also to drag you out from wallowing when the time is right.  You will get a lot of support from this forum I’m sure, many people have been through it and there is an end to the pain as you work through it. Take care and feel free to share whatever you need to, whatever helps.

I’ll be travelling next couple days so will be a bit more hit/miss on the wi-fi for a while, take care all.

Hey both – your latest travel update from sunny, warm Thailand again! Few more days here before heading out to Cambodia – will be sad to leave here, love the culture and the food but looking forwards to doing the Lara Croft/Tombraider thing at Angkor Wat in particular.  My travelling style these days is very different to the kinds of holidays I used to do, it’s much slower, more immersive, more real, mostly just walking around enjoying noticing all the little details that make lives around the world both the same and different. It is also a great way to get different perspectives on what is important and just time & space to think, total luxury for me…

Kkasxo – interesting about your ex and the moving out comments – and I loved your reaction of “well, I’ll believe it when I actually see it….”. Too true, words are the easy part for most people, especially when saying what they think people want to hear. It’s actions and real honesty that I value too, especially from my partner – even if at the time I often hate it….! Dealing with reality is the only real way forwards. I know you are struggling to do much beyond the basics of looking after yourself but that is better than pretending both to yourself and others that everything is ok when it is not.  There’s a lot of pressure in the world to pretend, to have an appearance of total happiness/control/acheivement and so on at work, in relationships, in family – but it is all so much better once you stop pretending and just be yourself.  So at least you are doing that – even if not through choice as yet.   Did you hear any more about that contract role outside London? Sounded like a potentially good option being put your way – having worked in London over 15 years aware it can be a strange/very different culture to outside London – and have to admit I would have gone crazy living there too, hence why I put up with the 2 1/2 hr commute all those years to live up here!

Shelby – don’t mean to contradict or detract from your progress with your therapist at all, it’s good you have found one you trust totally and who is helping you through this. They are the professionals after all, not us!  I’m sure you do absolutely love your ex in the way you think about love now.  I’m just aware of how much I’ve learned about love and the different kinds, levels, depths through my similar experience and how I can look back now and recognise I did love that guy, but not like I love now. It’s a little hard to explain and it’s not knocking the love you feel now, just trying to explain it can be different, even better. Something I would likewise not have believed back then was possible, people just didn’t understand how special what we had was etc.  Again, not to stop you loving now, just keep your mind open that it could be different. It is possible to have the kind of love you want returned and more.  How is it going now with him? And your sister’s boy still doing ok I hope?

Ha, to be fair, our last AirBnb place was £16/night…and dinner out here is about£5!  So it’d go further than you think –  we’re going hiking in Wales in June and I was shocked how expensive it was for accommodation!  But it is more fun with someone for sure as well as cheaper – did you & your ex go away on holiday together before at all?  I was not brave enough to go on my own when I split from my ex but I did make myself break out of my introverted nature to go away with new friends and whilst it was different, it was so much better than not getting away for a break.

As said many times, it’s your life and your choices. If you feel like you want to go through this loop again, it’s what you do and that’s fine. It doesn’t matter if other people think you deserve more – it’s what you think that matters. Do I think you are going backwards just because you are more scared of trying out a future fully accepting he is not a romantic part of it – absolutely. Each time you have been apart previously you have yet to actually be apart and not thinking that at some point you will be back together. So it has just been passing the time, which eventually feels pointless to do.

Am I convinced you love him, not really, if I’m honest.  I do think you need him, which is different. You need him to feel safe, to have a space where you aren’t anxious and feel able to cope with life for a while. That isn’t love though to me.  You say it yourself – “I know I deserve happiness but I love him too”  – love is or should be happiness – yes it goes through ups & downs and changes over time but it’s not something you ever feel like you have to hide from people – if you truly love him, as he is, without changes and without hoping for more or different than what you have – then it’s the best thing in the world for you and you are happy sharing that knowledge with others. I hope in time you get the strength and courage to want the same for yourself enough to work through your anxieties and become able to provide your own security but likewise, if not, I wish you nothing but the best in enjoying your life as best as you can and hope it gives you some of the calmness you seek right now.

Take care both.

Hey both, back from our morning walk in the warm sunshine – it’s a great mix of temples, sea, hills and general Asia crazy – I love how ‘normal’ things like a coffee bar are interesting with all the strange to me options. Working my way through trying them and all the exotic fruit shakes ….!

Shelby, sure. What I meant by similar to Kkasxo was in reaching your current limit of level of stuff you can deal with before becoming overwhelmed instead. It’s a good trigger to be aware of so as you know not to accept anything else until you are ready to do so.   Being busy is a distraction, it works well for a while but it still leaves you needing at some point to find a quiet time to work through everything. I found this part a very circular process, each time round understanding a little better than the last time.

Btw –  you know I am going to ask you this one – but why do you think you feel the need to lie about seeing your ex again to your friends/family……..??  If you truly believe this is the path forwards that will make you happy, why would you want to hide that?  I’m assuming you think they won’t approve and you don’t want to try to explain something  – especially if deep down you don’t actually believe this is the right path for you either? Sounds like you already have pretty clear signals this guy has not, will not and doesn’t actually see any need to change. And sounds like you are already anxious about not getting what you wanted from meeting up with him.

Hi Flove.

So having spent much time in typical business environments, I agree with Anita, you are unlikely to find a perfect working environment, regardless of number of degrees/education etc. Through my career I have gone from similar starting positions and into senior leadership etc and one thing is true for everyone – degrees/education will only get you in the door – unless for a very specific/technical job they will not short-cut you the learning experience of being able to navigate political situations and becoming able to influence outcomes and so on, the life-blood of what is usually deemed a successful career, if that is what is wanted.. Going back to school may well feel tempting as it is an environment you know, understand and can do well in – but unless you intend to set up your own company ( a very viable option which still needs business skills to be developed, often useful to learn first in a company.. )  you will still return to a junior position somewhere and will still need to go through these lessons and develop these kinds of skills. Honestly – the best advice I give my junior staff & mentees is to focus on these, not more qualifications. Trust helps if not the answer you wanted to hear.