Thanks for the vote of confidence Anita, much appreciated.

Tom – yeah, I’d tend to agree, if no payrise offered with accepting a promotion, not much is going to happen by staying put.

Doesn’t necessarily mean this contract role is the right one to jump on. How many other opportunities have you interviewed for?? Usually for a contract they want a decision pretty quickly. What’s your longer term goal – stay contracting through your own company ( big tax advantages in UK at least ) or do you see yourself happier back in permanent employment long term??

Moving companies sounds a good thing – just make sure you jump to the best opportunity you can, not necessarily just the first one offered as an escape.

Happy to help more where I can.

John. Seems you have tried a number of times to get your girlfriend to move out and each time has failed as you caved in.  At this point, she’s never going to believe you mean that she needs to go as history and experience now tells her that so long as plays on your soft spot, you will cave again and she will not need to change anything.  So the time will never be ‘right’, she may get a fantastic job, earn enough to support herself and so on but whilst she still hangs on to a relationship with you, she will still stay.

The thing with soft spots is, sometimes it’s also a way of trying to hide from being the ‘bad guy’. Whereas there is no ‘nice’ way out of this one. Even if you get her mother to agree she can come back – she is still going to think you are a bad guy for a while, after all, you are rejecting her, finishing the relationship.  So you need to work on accepting there is no ‘nice’ way for you to do this, you can absolutely be as respectful as needed, especially with the kids but you are going to have to set clear boundaries that this relationship is over.

Have you actually finished the relationship with her or are you still together as a couple?  As in, at least as a first step, be clear that the relationship is over regardless of everything else. You can still be living in the house together but not being together in a relationship. You can start dating others if you want, then being a single guy, though do tend to agree some time by yourself is not a bad thing, so just going out with friends, doing things by yourself, spending less time with the kids and no time alone with her. If no spare room, put up with sleeping on the sofa for a bit. You need to bring it home that the relationship is over, that things will be changing regardless if she moves out or not.

Being clear and setting boundaries is not the same as being heartless. You know by being nice you are actually being cruel in the long run by dragging this out for both of you.

Hope helps.

Well done on sticking it out for the masters, I know how tough they are – I’d had more than enough study by the time I finished my BSc for sure.  Is the industry in general not paid well or just this particular employer/role?  As in can you look to move jobs or take on management positions etc or is it as good as it gets?  There’s some interesting data published around on the difference in wages of people move roles/jobs every couple years in the early days of working vs those who stay in the same place. Seems staying put and relying on wage increases/promotions doesn’t do you any favours if you want to be better paid and I’d have to say it’s very true in my industry but obviously I don’t know if yours is the same way.

But yeah, I think it’s pretty natural to want to feel you are progressing, even if just a tiny bit, each month/year rather than still just treading water. It’s tiring, right. If I thought you had any spare time I’d suggest you read some of the FIRE ( Financial Independence, Retire Early ) blogs, they have some great advice on escaping from that loop and it’s pretty inspiring stuff. It’s how I’m doing what I’m doing now so I may be a little biased here…but happy to share more if interested. Funnily enough, it’s not that different to relationship type advice, i.e. deal with reality not how you wish things were, do what can be done and don’t try to control what can’t be controlled.

What has surprised you about your ex recently ( ignoring he whole South American side-trip business!)?  I think there’s a difference between feeling genuinely surprised or figuring out if it’s more like just disappointed or even anger or fear, all of which would be understandable. It’s useful to know which you really feel as it can help you figure out what response is best to deal with it before simply reacting to whatever happened/didn’t happen.

I don’t think you can ever successfully pretend to be something you are not, not for long anyway.  So yes, you are who you are and you aren’t naturally strong, resilient or secure now. I wasn’t either, remember. But what’s incredibly powerful is knowing that, accepting that – and then still doing the brave thing anyway, like your Aus trip, like not getting anxious over your ex.  It means you are stronger than a naturally confident person – think about it, they aren’t facing their fears all the time, they are just being themselves.  But each time you face and conquer a fear, it gets easier the next time, it loses it’s power over you.  There’s nothing brave or courageous about doing something if you aren’t scared of it in the first place. It’s much smarter to know the risks and then decide that they are worth it.

Last thought for today – it is worth spending the time to make sure you are facing the right fear. For example, planning a trip to Aus is awesome – so long as it isn’t because it is easier/less scary than dealing with issues with work/life at home. Likewise, trying again with your ex is a brave decision since you can’t know how it will turn out this time – so long as you aren’t trying again as the fear of giving up on this relationship is greater than the fear of trying. Make sense?

Hey guys,

Yeah, it wasn’t easy but then good things rarely are eh. I’m lucky in that what I’m apparently good at was well paid, if not very meaningful. Are you thinking of building up your own business once you have finished your course? One of my family runs her own nail/treatment business now and whilst tough to get going she’s now fully independent – and much better paid!!  All you can do is try your best, which you are doing and that’s worth celebrating/being proud of.

Anything in particular you are trying to understand??

And yes – incase you are wondering – this is from my very warm & sunny balcony over here in Granada after a mammoth hike around the nearby mountains and an equally mammoth lunch!  It’s practically a cliche sitting here sipping cheap red wine, spanish guitar playing and wonderful moorish buildings all around……back home tomorrow though, hope you guys have got the sun out ready for me….

Ha ha – I remember so very well my first trip to Ikea – what a maze that place is!  We actually still have and use the dinner plates we got there so make sure to choose well….we also did the classic ‘hmm, so just how do we get all these large boxes into our car…..’. Good times.

It is fun setting up home for the first time. First night on your own sofa, wine and pizza and all that. Enjoy it.  To be honest, I no longer think of things as ‘mistakes’, just things I have done that are part of who I am today. It is always better to try, to ask, to speak up, to not let the fear of looking daft or getting hurt stop you from trying. And trying is way better than to wonder ‘what if’ for the rest of your life.  So yes, go in to it with your eyes open but go in regardless. No point trying to second-guess how it’ll turn out, that’s just trying to have control over something that you can’t whereas the only thing you can control is you. Good work on the reigning in the over-thinking, know it’s hard at the beginning. Gets much easier with practice until at some point it’s almost like second-nature and you look back on how anxious you always were in amazement.

So after Granada we are trying to spend some time in the UK and our own home, with lots of cycling nearby and round the Norfolk Broads here which is beautiful in summer.  Have a couple of weeks away to go hiking in North Wales, assuming the weather allows us this time….  And then off to South Africa in late Sept for 8 weeks, which is going to be amazing, again.  Thinking about some hiking in Maderia before that, will see how we feel. We also keep getting a lot of really tempting house-sits sent our way at the moment so may well cave into one of those, who knows!  Ofcourse I will send updates but just tell me when they are too irritatingly cheerful!

Hey Shelby.  Not too surprising about therapy I guess but your therapist should know when you are ready for a gentle push.  I imagine going forwards is still too scary for you for now.

What I have done in the past to help loosen fear is to pick one small, tiny thing unrelated to what I was scared of at the time, something I would normally have decided wasn’t worth being assertive or confident on, letting it go or agreed to for the sake of not causing a confrontation with others or myself. And so I would pick this one tiny thing and then use it to practice, to show myself that I could do something scary and the world wouldn’t and didn’t cave in ( slight exaggeration clearly but you get the idea 😉 ). So it might have been as simple as speaking up in a big meeting, aware I’d be blushing madly, stomach screwed up in anxiety at doing so, that I was going to look stupid. But I’d do it anyway and sure enough, the world was fine, people would comment or not, the meeting carried on, I was fine.  Sounds stupid now but back then it was incredibly hard for me to think my opinion mattered, let alone stand up for it. But each time you do a small thing like that, it’s such a boost to your self-esteem to know you conquered it and it lessens the power of fear over you in all areas of your life.

Perhaps that’s why you have plateaued now with therapy. Progress and growth is a mixture of learning and directed action.  Like training for a marathon, all the time in the world spent reading and talking to others for advice about how to train, what to eat, what trainers were best etc, would not get my feet actually on the road and running. Likewise, if I just dived in with no idea what I was doing, what my aim was and how I would be able to measure progress I’d probably make it through a couple of runs and then give up. It’s the combination of being able to take the learnings and advice, individually assess them as to your own values and come up with what you think is right for you – and then crucially – taking action.  It’s only by combining action with learning/thinking that we move forwards.  Worth thinking about and perhaps discussing with your therapist next time perhaps.

I’m sure Kkasxo is doing ok, she is stronger than she knows even if she is panicking right about now about the impending house and family move. Be good to hear some of her funny and intelligent comments though for sure.

How’s it going Griff?

Hey Griff.

Understand completely about how you feel about how it would have been easier if she had died.  That way, you would ‘only’ be dealing with the loss of her whereas you are dealing with the pain of being rejected and losing your whole life that was built around her as well as herself. It’s a triple-whammy and hits co-dependent, low self-esteem people particularly hard.

Be assured though, having felt ok for a while, you will do so again. You are going through one more loop of facing the fear of having to accept this change.  Your brain is screaming at you to return to the known safety and comfort of your old life whilst simultaneously knowing it can’t. I went through many such loops but they lessened in both intensity and frequency eventually with time.  Eventually it becomes more of a dull sadness with acceptance and for me, eventually gratitude as part of determining who and where I am today.

So wait it out and try to accept the fear – the more you fight it the longer it lasts and the stronger it gets. It is scary, your whole life has been turned upside down and so no wonder you are looking to cling to what what was, what was safe. Did something happen that especially spooked you, made you feel insecure in your new life? It often triggers such a loop of wanting to go backwards. But you are ok, you are doing ok at times, that is better than before. And so try to recognise this is as much about wanting to feel safe & secure again, as you did in your old life than it is about wanting her, though I understand the two are tightly wrapped together in your mind at the moment. Talk about your fears to others, on here, recognising and naming them and working through them is a way to weaken their grip on you.

Take care and let us know how you get on, good and bad.

@Shelby. Yes, that’s me, onwards and upwards! Well, life is short as we’ve said so always trying to make the most of what I spend my time on and they were bargain flights.

That’s families for you, we’ll just politely ignore all that and move on shall we…..back to normal please…glad no lasting damage though. And happy to hear you are back at therapy, hope it goes well and you have a good recovery day today.

Hey X.

Hmm, online dating….not something I have any personal experience of but I have a variety of friends who have used it.  My opinion, it’s like any tool – it’s success or not is going to depend on how you use it and your mind-set/reasons behind it.  For example, I have a friend who is very anxious, nervous and is only physically attracted to ‘bad boys’, similar to you in not being able to like ‘nice men’ physically enough to date them. Her experience of online dating didn’t go well because she was still repeating that pattern, just more frequently.  Whereas two other friends who for a variety of reasons were ‘ready’ for a good relationship very quickly ended up finding partners they’re still still happily married to ten years later.   So do I think it can help – absolutely. Do I think you have a big risk of simply repeating your current pattern – also absolutely unless you change it first…

If you think about Shelby/Kkasxo’s issues objectively, it becomes clear that their biggest problem is they are both refusing to see the reality of their partners – preferring to stubbornly cling to the version that lives only in their heads to be able to avoid change.  Dreaming of what they would each like their guy to be, what he could be – another romantic fantasy of sorts. Though Kkasxo has actually made really good progress in opening her eyes lately which is hugely encouraging.

It’s the same thing you are doing when you invest time and energy imagining what a potential partner is like when you get a crush on someone. The crush isn’t about the real person as you don’t know them – it’s about the fantasy of what you imagine he is. So (knowingly or unknowingly) you assign him all the characteristics you want in a man, imagine he will be perfect, he will whisk you off your feet and look after your happy ever after. And then unsurprisingly reality crashes in as you get to know him more – how can anybody live up to perfection in your head afterall. So you get disappointed, decide you are better off back alone and retreat to your safe place where you don’t have to deal with this upsetting reality. Then after a while, you are ready to try again or someone sparks a new glimmer of interest and the cycle begins again.

So I think whilst you can definitely improve your chances of meeting a good man for you – I think you will repeat this pattern until you change it, break it.

One way I know helped me on how to do this is to invest effort in recognising and separating your thought patterns from your actions ( the book I recommended to Shelby/Kkasxo is good at this ). Rather than spending time imagining, guessing, dreaming, hoping – it’s doing the scarier thing of finding out, asking, doing, determining reality for yourself.

Enjoy your trip back home – and if it’s to visit your parents – don’t let your mother make you feel bad. I’m not that dissimilar to you, tom-boy as a kid, lots of male friends, worked in a male-dominated environment, no real interest in traditional female activities etc etc ( though I can cook now after 20 years! ). It’s not what stops you finding the right man for you, trust me on that one…

We are off to Granada in Spain in a couple of weeks so will get some sun there if not here – though it’s still great at the moment. Nothing better than sitting outside with a book and a glass of something chilled!

Take care.