Ok, one more thought…..you guys know I love this stuff…..how about US (where?) if that’s what you love/really want to do…..there are a ton of house-sits for US, to save accommodation costs. And then add in either Mexico or some of Central America either end, will lower your average cost loads and are all amazing places in their own right. Panama/Costa Rica, lots of house-sits too and the others just pretty cheap. Some good websites to read are traveller blog’s, tend to find them a good place to start for a non tourist-industry type view. Nomadic Matt has good general coverage and http://www.travelindependent.info/where-travel-top-best-places.htm is another practical but inspirational place to start.

Hope helps…..I’ll go away again now…..!

Now that’s excellent timing – bizarrely I was just thinking about you both on my hike out this morning ( a day without rain in Wales, it’s a small miracle….!! ) and thinking I should catch up and see how you both were doing.

Shelby m’dear – ofcourse you wouldn’t do things to deliberately hurt them and not what I meant at all! Just that there’s a big difference between always saying ‘yes’ and that sometimes it’s ok to prioritise yourself, it’s another one of those irritating building self-esteem things 🙂

I’m glad you are doing ok, try not to worry about if/when you are going to feel bad – it’ll happen when/if it’ll happen and enjoy(?) being just ok in the meantime. Exam pressure more than enough – I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you!

And now to travel….absolutely I can help, I’d love to, I’m honoured you asked!  It sounds like you are thinking of taking a year out as a gap-year or did I misunderstand that? That would be awesome but however long you have, what I’ve learned is that you are generally better off (1) ignoring other people’s bucket lists, it’s what you like that’s important and (2) slow travel is both cheaper, more in-depth and gentler on the body than how most people travel.

From the countries you list, sounds like you want somewhere without too many language issues? What are the places you would prefer more, that you mentioned? US is amazing for sure but yes, expensive, especially with our crazy exchange rates right now. You can get really good deals on flights to get there easy enough, it’s the cost of being there that’s harder. I have to say from my experience I’ve enjoyed all travels but the ones where everything has been very affordable are much more fun in terms of not feeling restricted by budget and you can get to stay in some amazing places.

Thailand is great for people travelling on their own, as it’s full of other people doing the same!  If you are going for long enough, you could plan on stopping there for a while which would break up the big flight over to Aus/Oz if you still wanted to go on there. It’s a good culture shock place to really make you feel as though you are travelling and excites the sense without ever feeling unsafe or difficult.

I’m thinking if I was in your shoes I’d want to be somewhere warm/sunny, affordable, people to meet when I want to, enough culture shock to bring your mind alive ( if that makes sense ) whilst enough home comforts to know you can rest easy when you want/need to, whilst not worrying the whole time it’s costing too much.  SE Asia does tick a lot of that, as would South America. Closer to home, a lot of the more rural parts of gorgeous countries such as Spain, Greece, Italy, Croatia are way more affordable than you think if you are smart about it.

A good friend of mine is an avid traveller and has been travelling alone for many years. She often mixes up time alone with joining others on trips when in the more remote places ( her last stint was Lebanon ), which seems to work well for her.

Absolutely agree, a lot of people say to leave things open but I’ve always found that planning and thinking ahead, preparing for it and knowing as much about it as I can gives me the confidence to then go and actually do it. Yeah, I have tons of ways I save money on travelling – though often it’s less about saving money than staying somewhere better value/nicer for the same money.

And yeah, I could go on all day about this – I’m really impressed you are still considering it, well done you. As we narrow it down to what you’d like, can help more on the tools of the trade I use if you like.

@Kkasxo – excellent to hear from you, as said was wondering how you guys were doing. So good to hear the move went well, it’s always a bit more chaotic than you think! Have your family left now or is that coming up soon?  It’s really good to hear you can now at least identify your triggers and choose to react differently – that’s pretty amazing, well done. And yeah, having your own space and somewhere you feel safe is unbeatable. So happy for you.

Hey JHK,

Absolutely – much courage to admit having feelings, even more so when you aren’t sure about them being returned.

Hope is a good thing, a positive. It helps overcome fear. What is the worst outcome for you do you think – to try and find out if a romantic relationship is possible or to wonder what if many years later.

She may simply still not know herself what she wants. I think you are wise, giving her some space and reducing the texts if they have become dull, tired. It sounds like you often have quite in-depth/emotionally charged conversations – how about lightening it for a while to get some balance, focus on having fun together again, talking about positive things, doing interesting things together.  People vary on how much alone time they need to recharge, let her have her space and be the one to reach out sometimes.

Hope it helps – you sound a very thoughtful and kind person, hope it works out how you would like it to. Be brave, good luck.

Hi JHK,

I responded to one of your other posts but would like to add something here too. Knowing when to give people space is important. How balanced is your life outside this relationship – do you have other close friends/family you regularly talk to as well? If you are feeling insecure about the lack of replies from her, consider why you feel so.

Friendships & relationships go through different phases, the best friendships are those you can pick up after years and still talk like it was yesterday, despite not having been in touch for a while. It may be she is simply busy right now, or that she doesn’t have much to say or it may be she wants some space,or many other such reasons –  there is no way of knowing without asking her. And it doesn’t matter – what I’d suggest you focus on is why it makes you feel insecure/worried about being clingy. Perhaps spend time talking to others, doing other activities so that not all your time/attention is focused on her – it’s important to have balance in your life and will reduce your concern and dependency on her replies or lack of.

Hi JHK,

It sounds like you have a good strong relationship with this colleague, being able to talk through hurt feelings and forgiveness is part of being in an honest relationship, be it friendship or romantic.  I would see no reason to give up on them now – what is your thinking in considering doing so? Are you are still hurting/angry with them for not being there for you when you needed them to be? Do you think she will be able to be there for you next time?

Despite a lot of people meeting their eventual partner through work, it can be difficult becoming a romantic relationship with a work colleague, extra risk involved if the relationship doesn’t work out. How closely do you work together, are you in the same team, same department, same level? What would happen if it was a difficult break-up?

I suspect they were honest about testing you out and meant it as intended, displaying their interest in a romantic relationship with you – it is an emotional risk to ask and wouldn’t be lightly undertaken with a good friend for no reason.  It sounds as though your response indicated no romantic interest now, only in the past and so perhaps she backed off from taking further risk without more encouragement from you. Which ties with the “I don’t know” response, in that she’s interested in something but is not sure you are. Especially if she has had a rough break-up, it can be difficult to be open to taking a risk and trying again.

Why do you think these deep thoughts about a relationship have resurfaced now, if you thought you were past them? And why did you feel it was ‘wrong’ to have a crush on her?  Fear is always a powerful motivation, looking to protect yourself from rejection. Life is about taking balanced risks – perhaps you can find a balanced way forwards on this one. Do you already meet up outside of work, perhaps go for a drink/something you both like to do? If not, do you think suggesting such an event, not a date necessarily, just a way to get to know each other outside work, would be helpful in learning more about her, seeing if the risk is worth taking?

You sound exhausted. I am sorry to hear you are still suffering. Is there anything in particular in addition to your existing suffering that has happened?

It is brave to reach out for help. Please do continue to do so and we’ll be here for you as we can.

Hi X,

Welcome back, good to hear from you again and good to hear the trip went well.

Did you get a chance to think about my reply to online dating/read the books suggested at all?

Few thoughts stand out from the above for me.  You have some very strong and fixed ideas about what is the “right” way for a relationship to start. In fact, you have pretty fixed ideas about relationships in general it seems to me. Although you read widely and consider lots of other angles, all your posts tend towards finding points that make your existing ideas/beliefs stronger – I don’t recall an instance where you have changed your beliefs on this subject, is there one you can share with us?

As you will know – it is very common for people to suffer from strong confirmation bias, viewing and filtering the world through such strong pre-existing views in order to make sure they don’t need to change their own beliefs. This is not especially helpful or conducive to growing as a person and changing/breaking the unhelpful relationship cycle you are stuck in.

What I get when I read your posts is a strong view of someone who despite all evidence read/presented and experience to date is still holding strongly to her views of how exactly “the one” relationship should be. But how often in anything does reality match up to a pre-conceived notion? That’s why as humans we experiment, we learn, we feel our forwards as much as think our way through – it’s a balancing act of risk/reward and conscious decisions, determining what is actually real, not what we hoped/thought it should be.

Example 1;  First, I am convinced that the first step must be made by the man. The woman can give out signs that she likes the man, but the first invitation needs to come from the man.  Why? Why does it have to be the man to put himself at risk and not you – this is quite an old-fashioned view, very traditional.  How do you give enough signs that the risk is worth taking for him? E.g. many of the signs of your crushes that you have described could just as easily be read/interpreted as normal behaviour – not of that of someone interested in developing the relationship further. How good are you at actually letting a man know you are interested before he is asking you out?

Example 2; I think my ex was the only one so far who persisted in communicating with me and trying to win me over for two months after our initial meeting. And all that communication was done from another country. And we hadn’t even kissed by that point.  Why do you need to be won over? Throughout your posts, it sounds like you consider yourself a prize, of something to be worked for, earned.  Do you worry or feel shame if moving too quickly, like you have given yourself away cheaply if you do not wait such a time period? It can be hard if that is the culture grown up with, when then dealing with an entirely different culture in a new country.  I would also say this is another way of how you feel you should be able to wait around and pick from your willing suitors – without exposing yourself to any of the risk involved in doing so.

Example 3;I have yet to meet a man who would like me enough to want to show me that he is a reliable person whom I can fall in love with Per above – yet again you are looking to remove all the risk before considering it safe to love. Life doesn’t operate on such certainties. It is a gradual exposure, deciding. Getting to know someone, letting them know you are interested, exposing yourself to some risk as you do. And being ok when the risk fails, knowing you are strong enough to try again. Just like in science, failure is how we learn, how we grow.

Example 4; “I like you – you like me = good, let’s sleep together” OR “I like you – you don’t like me = no prob, I’ll find another one.”  So it can certainly seem that way but like everything, is not true for the entire world.  What do you consider “wrong” with the idea of sleeping with someone if you like them? I am not saying it is right or wrong, it is whatever fits the individuals involved. Is it that you must be in love to sleep with someone and expect the same from them? Do you consider that being in love will take the risk out of sleeping with someone and being that open, that close. With your romantic/idealised beliefs – is it more that you feel it isn’t what “a good princess” does?

This is not about lowering your standards and accepting what is on offer – as agreed, none of those options you presented would tempted me either tbh. But you do expect a lot from potential partners before you are willing to expose yourself to even a small degree of risk. Do you think that is fair?

Hi Shelby.

Technology eh, how helpful – nothing like having to retype something you have already done…especially when tired and busy.

Anyway, good to hear from you as ever. I hope your Mum’s memorial went ok, that’s got to be tough to get through still.

But fantastic news on your first booking – that’s great! Yeah, scary but first steps and all that. Just imagine where it could take you 2 years from now! Good on you.

I know you didn’t mean it to be funny but did have to smile at the idea of travelling to the shop being too far, know what you mean there.  Yeah, I always thought a break-up was two kind of losses, one of the actual person/relationship and the other being the future you had imagined in your head, knowingly or not.

The second loss is the one that caused all the confusion for me, as in ‘well, if I’m not doing that then what am going to be doing’.  It takes time to refigure out who you are without the relationship & it’s planned future/way forwards.  The best thing I found was to not focus on imagining a future as I would start to panic with the not knowing and change from what I had expected. Instead I would literally focus on only doing things that made me feel better/good. So for me it was getting fit again, rebuilding friendships I’d dropped and trying to make new friends at the job I had just started – which was great timing when feeling like cr@p! As I felt better about myself, the rest started to drop into place – just don’t rush it and don’t feel the pressure to be dating again just because you think you should be “at that stage by now”.  There’s no scoreboard in life, only you.