Hi JHK.

Sometimes I find your posts conflicting – and it’s really important to deal with reality only. I think it would be helpful to go into a couple of the lines above in more detail, if you are willing to try and explain more. I think it will help unearth what is going on and help you find a way forwards.

I just feel that friends should always try to keep in contact to know about each other well being to avoid drifting.  This is another of those important areas where balance is crucial, the key to a healthy friendship and one which has crossed the boundaries into being too close, not letting each other breathe for fear of losing them.  Now obviously the question is – how to tell the difference, right?  For example, if I had a good friend who texted me every single day to see how I was – I would quickly become very very tired of that person and want some space. And I don’t think I’m unusual in that. After all, how tiring is that, the same questions each day, demanding a response seeing them getting anxious and more demanding if none is received. Whereas if I have a good friend who remembers when important things in my life are happening and checks in to see how they went – that’s wonderful, very supportive, healthy. Likewise if something exciting or terrible has happened to them, that’s a good time to share. You see the difference – one style is all about wanting to talk every single day, even when nothing to say, simply to establish contact. The other style is talking with a purpose, with something new to share.  This is why really good friends can go years without talking and then meet up one day and dive straight into very intimate conversations. They don’t need to be in daily contact to maintain intimacy with each other and they trust in the strength of the friendship, not testing it, just knowing it’s there when needed or wanted. This is where you need to be brutally honest with yourself as the only way forwards in determining which sort of communication you are doing and the driver behind it. I suspect if you are honest, you are going to find at least part of it is your fear of losing her, losing your close relationship.

Do you want to share some of the kinds of conversations you have been having and I can help establish which type they are with you?

And curious – why are you smiling less at her when you meet at work?  I can understand why she is smiling less but not why you are not smiling at her – are you still angry at her despite having cleared the air?

Morning JHK,

I’m glad you have cleared the air between you both. Yes, everybody is different, that’s why it’s so important to learn the reality about people, not just who we imagine or hope they are or could be.  Especially in relationships, romantic or otherwise, when one person wants the relationship to work more than the other does, it is not surprising to result in unequal effort and insecurity.

Why do you think you ask so many questions – what kind of questions are they?  There are many different ways to have a conversation, it can be like an interrogation, demanding, looking for precise answers or it can flow easily, undirected, open, creating it’s own energy , bringing it alive, not killing it.  A vast difference in how someone will respond to the two extremes, don’t you think?

Do you honestly feel you have both been trying to avoid each other or do you really just feel that she is trying to avoid you? If so, in what ways have you been trying to avoid her and why?

Morning Tom.

Good to hear from you and glad it sounds like it’s worked out well.

Yeah – it’s always an odd feeling anyway when you get replaced, even when you are the one who’s chosen to move on. I know I’ve certainly felt it and if you’ve been somewhere a long time it can take a while to become less emotionally attached to the old job/place, even when you want to move on. It can also be hard to imagine anyone can do your old job as well as you did, even when you know logically you started in exactly the same place.

Seems unlikely they encouraged you on simply for the opportunity to get your job but I get it can make you feel just a little doubtful about their intentions at the time. Like you say, the important thing is you made the right decision for you so it doesn’t matter either way. Hope you are also feeling excited about starting your new opportunity and good luck with it all.

Hi JHK,

It may be, there are many things it could be – I’d still say the likeliest version is that she no longer sees you as a potential relationship, regardless of if she is ready or not. I think that her not being ready is more like your hopeful thinking, a way to not give up your wish to continue this relationship – more that, then the reality based on events/knowledge/listening to what you have said she does/does not do.

What do you mean by a love grinch – a new one to me? I think you mean you both consider yourselves unsuccessful in love?

Everyone needs space and especially so after anything mentally draining. But that’s sort of the main point here right – these interactions if they were part of a positive relationship would leave you both feeling energised, excited about arranging the next one, eager to talk more, get to know each other more. Instead they leave you tired and insecure and make her want to run away, declining your invites outside work.

I understand you will find it hard to give up on her after having invested so much in her emotionally. Think about it not as giving up, but as dialing back the intensity to see if you can have a healthy friendship. Start from there, don’t think about where it could or  couldn’t go. Perhaps start to practise not overthinking and trying to second-guess her thoughts, just listen to what she actually says, what she does in reality – not what you would like them to mean or when you are feeling insecure, what you worry they could mean.

Am out a fair bit today, be back later.

Hey JHK,

To be honest, it does sound a little like unrequited love to me. I would say you are in the friend camp and a great crutch for her when she wants it – which doesn’t seem especially fair to keep you hanging on. She may have been interested at one point but certainly reads like her latest behaviour is not that of someone looking eager to push the relationship forwards right now. Seriously – a great way of finding out more would be to arrange that visit to that place you both wanted to go, see how she responds – is she super-eager to spend more time with you or difficult to pin down as to when?

It may be that if you give her some space, back off the heavy topics, spend more time on your other interests and friends – you will become more attractive to her again.  It is worth doing anyway just so you aren’t spending all your time wondering, questioning and focusing purely on her. Broadening your life for a little while is a great way to get better perspective on what is/isn’t ‘true’.

I know it isn’t what you want to hear and especially after you have opened up after your last difficult time.  Yes, it is sad how often nice guys ( and women ) get put into the friend-zone but trust me, they always find the right person for them eventually. Be proud you opened up again after being hurt previously and perhaps look at this one as another learning. Let’s see how it goes.

Hi JHK,

Nothing wrong with a compliment, so long as given freely, honestly, without expecting anything back. Some people may find frequent compliments uncomfortable, again, best to judge if it’s getting too much by her responses. It gets easier, the more you see and know someone – but again, try to stay in the moment and enjoy your time with her as it can be easy to spend all your time staring and trying to figure out what she’s thinking…

Sorry to hear you’ve had a bad experience previously, most of us have, you are not alone there for sure, a normal part of trying things. It’s good you are brave enough to want to try again and understandable you are a little more cautious this time around. It can be useful to understand why the other girl rejected you to learn from the experience and move forwards from it, removing it’s power of fear.

Why do you think you check in on her more now than in the past? I would read this as your anxiety/insecurity about her has increased as you have spent more time together, not reduced. Do you think you sense she is pulling away from you, less interested in you than at the beginning? It can be a bit of a vicious cycle that, as one person pulls away to get some space, the insecure/anxious one chases harder, trying to keep the closeness/intimacy strong, trying to get validation from the other person that they are worthy – which ofcourse makes the person pull away more and so it goes on until often what the insecure one fears most will happen, the other person leaves them.

The only way to break the cycle, if that is what is happening, is for you to stop chasing, to reduce the seeking validation of your worth. Basically you need to believe and know you are worthy without her telling you so.  This isn’t about not caring for her – but doing it in a way that makes her feel good about the experience, not in a way that makes her want to run away, have some space.  Especially if she isn’t used to facing up to her problems and dealing with them, she isn’t going to be very receptive to being ‘forced’ to talk about them, even if you believe it’s the best thing for her. A different way would be to ensure she knows you are there as/when she wants to talk but to otherwise let her guide the pace of opening up.  If she can see that not all your conversations are ‘heavy’, she will likely enjoy the experience more, want to engage in conversations again.  Absolutely honesty and truth about views and opinions are great, as is being talkative – but again, try to think about her perspective on this and concentrate on topics for a while that aren’t to do with what problems you perceive she may have. Give her some space whilst being clear you are interested in her by arranging meet-ups and spending time talking together in a different way.

What do you think?

Ah Shelby…how funny!  North Wales is stunning – but very very wet most of the time, I’m feeling very lucky to have got in the few decent hikes that we have done. There’s lots of less physically demanding walks too if your back doesn’t do well on long hikes… But end June for a few days……can I just ramble on for a few mins about how awesome Granada is – home to the Alhambra, one of the most stunning moorish palaces and gardens, a huge park you can walk to from the city and the finest food/drink – did I mention you get free food with every drink……love it there……though may actually be getting too hot for you by then!

Cambodia was awesome, Bali & Tibet/Nepal still on my list. To be honest, the language thing really isn’t much of a barrier – so long as you are happy to wave your hands around, smile a lot and learn just a couple basic “hello/goodbye/thankyou/a beer please” I’ve got by pretty much everywhere I’ve been.  You can get these cool picture books with things to point to – bizarrely simple idea but invaluable if heading way off the tourist track at all, though can’t imagine you’ll do that to start with.

Your idea on timing is smart. I started off thinking we’d do a grand year tour but actually am much happier doing 1-2-3 months at a time, coming back to see friends/family before heading off again.  Insurance in necessary single or couple, especially for health stuff, that’s the coverage part that matters. One of the best things for single/any travellers is actually a simple door wedge – instant extra peace of mind when sleeping if the door lock’s a bit ropey.  It’s funny, the more I travel, the more you realise how over-hyped so much of the news is into making everything seem scary. People are just generally way more friendly and helpful outside the UK too ( sorry UK! ) – think they appreciate tourists and just interested in people more. Medicines I think you can get your doctor’s to give you extra prescriptions to pick up whilst travelling/take with you. You can also get most of the injections you need for free on NHS still.

Ha – even I’m excited now – will have to start planning out my next big trip….! I’ll have a think more about what you might like – try out Wanderlust in the meantime, their pictures are just literally travel-bait….