Hey JHK,

Yes, you have understood correctly, your current actions with her are no longer joyful to her. And I agree, it’s not your curiosity why you keep asking but your insecurity, a lack of confidence in yourself and your attractiveness to her, as either friend or relationship. This is why even though it’s hard you need to try as best as you can to stop communicating with her on any of these emotional topics – post them here, pretend you have asked them out loud, whatever works to stop you sharing them with her. Because you are not going to get a magical answer from her that will take the feeling away – it will go away through actions only.

Trust me, I’ve been there – you can get the reassurance you need one day and it will last for a while but then the insecure voice comes back, whispering to you, but what about this, did they really mean that….I should ask straight away….to take away this worry…etc etc. I think you get the idea.

The way to tackle insecurity is to work on yourself. It is good news that you used to be positive – means you have some experience of it. You just need to find your way into increasing your confidence again, especially when dealing with women I suspect. We can help here and there’s a lot of good advice on where to start, looking after yourself physically and emotionally, learning to hear the insecure voice and then choosing to ignore it, knowing that not all thoughts are correct thoughts.

Hey JHK,

End of the week, even better. Sounds good to me.

All friendships/relationships go through phrases, you guys have been on a bit of an emotional rollercoaster for a while, so it’s completely normal to both take some time out and let that settle a little.

Hi JHK,

You can do whatever you think is best, it is always your choice, nobody else’s. I am just trying to help you see how your actions may likely be interpreted, what the consequences of your choices may be.

If I understand you correctly, you want to write to her about your crush has gone and so you are friends again? Or do you mean something else?  Either way – I would write nothing. There is nothing new to say on this subject, you have talked about it, before and you have forgiven each other. There is no need to reclarify or repeat what has already been discussed many times now. There is no need to feel guilty, you had no intention to hurt her and indeed she is no longer hurt.

Yes, your overthinking is affecting the friendship because it is affecting you. I hope you have continued to not get in touch today.

Morning Shelby,

Ok….I won’t judge…..but y’know….Love Island….really….I’m depressed just at the thought of it 😉

Yeah, first time alone is hard, you are having to create a whole bunch of new “what do I do now”, both physically and emotionally. After all, you invested what, almost 5 years of your life in this guy so it’s going to take some time for your brain to give up it’s well-rehearsed thought train.

Most people when bored end up in a bad place, imagining and extrapolating all kinds of difficulties or disappointments, especially if used to thinking that way. Hey, even I can start thinking the irritating habits of my partner are too much and I’d better do something about it. But you know what, I feel it, I recognise it – and then I move on, knowing it’ll pass and it’s not what I think when I’m not feeling like cr@p. It’s why it’s so important to never make important decisions when you’re low – negative emotions are in the driving seat..

So the thing isn’t to avoid alone time but rather to figure out how to kick yourself out of it mentally after you’ve had a good wallow when you need to. It’s ok to feel sad, disappointed that part of your life, those hopes are over, it was a big investment of your time and it’s sh*t when it doesn’t work out how you want it to. But you know what’s absolutely amazing about that post and made me smile hugely – it’s the first time you’ve acknowledged there’s a tiny part of you that is excited to be set free, to be given a real chance of finding what you what. That’s awesome, big step stuff.

But did you notice just how fast your old fears clamped down on it though – with the same story running around your head “You won’t find anybody else, this is your lot, just accept it and put up with it, why do you even want more anyway, you should be grateful for this, how can you be so selfish to want more, to want something for yourself and by the way, don’t you realise that to do that we’re going to have to do some stuff that’s outside our comfort zone and you know how we feel about that….”   I know it sounds a bit odd written like that but I guarantee that’s the script running around your head, knowingly or not, trying quickly to put out that flare of hope for better, for more.

So don’t just accept your lot, it’s not all you are, we both know that and Kkasxo will say the same. There’s absolutely nothing wrong saying out loud “Actually, you know what, I’m not content with my lot, I know there’s a lot of good in it but I want more and I’m going to try my hardest and do what’s in my power to get it!!!”

So make it your new mantra, change that old story in your head and then next time you get some time off alone after you’ve had your wallow you can can move on and enjoy your day instead,Love Island or whatever – we’ll be behind you and cheering you all the way!

Take care, hope your dinner goes well – I get off lightly here, just got to make a cup of tea when visiting my Dad later!

Hi JHK.

Ok, so you spoke to her after all..

So, my honest take on the very well transcribed conversation. You do well for the first 10-11 lines, up to when you repeat about let’s take space ( J: let’s take some space from each other, maybe a few days perhaps, Y: Actually there isn’t a need to, but I am fine with it).

At this point, she has already said she is fine with it and smiled at you understanding the need for it. So there was no benefit in repeating it again, it would have been a good point to finish the conversation and move away or onto something more neutral, light.

You can see the conversation change from there, in that she is telling you she is not affected either way, with or without space. She is telling you that your actions do not really matter to her, same as it does not matter if you do or do not have a crush on her. She is unaffected by you, your actions, your feelings – she knows she is not responsible for them, you are.

Why did you feel the need to text her the same information after you had finished talking? That is immediately going against what you said about giving her space, isn’t it.

Having a crush on her is not wrong, feelings are just feelings. But she does not need to return them. Yes, other guys will be looking at her as an attractive, single woman and I’d suggest she may very likely go out with them or this other guy you have mentioned previously. That is normal too, not something to have anxiety about. You can be disappointed and upset she does not return your feelings, does not have a crush on you, but not anxious – two different things.

Sorry to hear about your grandad, were you very close?

I wouldn’t. Actions speak louder than words here, remember. By not contacting her, you are doing that, giving her space.  I would suspect another text may be interpreted as just more emotional contact right now.

It doesn’t mean avoiding her at work at all costs – just not seeking her out, either in person or by text right now.

Hi JHK,

Less interaction by itself is not a bad thing, it is a natural thing, no need to worry about that. I would definitely stop with the daily texting without purpose, very draining for both of you.  My thinking is she is smiling less as the interactions with you have become draining too, often emotional. You both need some space to heal by yourselves. Wait for her to initiate the next conversation and then share that one here if you like.

I see you posting a lot on here, trying to puzzle this out and always focusing on her – so I do agree you should try to focus less on her and more on yourself. Think about what else you enjoy doing and try to spend some time doing that. Who else do you talk to apart from her?