Kkasxo,

I’ve been thinking more and more about our feelings lately. I am trying to help myself to move on and improve my life and secure my happiness but I’m doing a lot of external things I think. I’m beginning to understand that to get healthy in mind, I have to feel everything. I can’t read a book or blog about how to feel better, I have to feel what I’m feeling to feel better.

How does one do that? Absolutely no clue. The few times where I have nearly wailed and screamed with pain and hurt, my therapist says he feels are the times I come closest to my real emotion, but then I think…my goodness, you can’t sustain feeling that level of pain, it’s very overwhelming and excrutiating but I wonder is that what I actually need to do. I nearly feel I don’t have the right to feel that strongly and intensely about the demise of a relationship when that kind of reaction would normally be expressed by people who maybe have had horrific ordeals like a parent losing a child under horrific circumstances to experience of war or something. Because embarrassingly that’s how deeply I know I can feel this loss.

So I suppose there is an element of pull yourself together Shelby which is preventing me from feeling it all fully. I don’t have the confidence that I will be able to cope fully!

Work is a good distraction but I feel more and more lately, your heart and emotional centre is crying out to be expressed and felt and you find that difficult with Mr.A around and long for some private time to release. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with needing and wanting that time to let out what you need to.

Kkasxo,

100% correct, I have an anxious attachment style. My ex had an avoidant attachment style….so it was always going to be….a challenge. You have something I never had though. The acknowledgement and back bone to say ‘I’m not waiting around….I’m not waiting 4 more years. I don’t have that nor never had. I was growing increasingly frustrated but I never felt, I’m not wasting time, he was my only route I felt and still feel and that’s a problem. That’s I’m assuming why I’m not moving on. I don’t want to move on to anything else because nothing else will ever match up. Okay, I can’t go back, but I might as well stay here in my heartbrokedness because it’s not like that will ever change!

I’m trying new things as much as possible to make other aspects of my life a little better if I can, so that say I’m 70 per cent lost without my ex forever and the rest of my life has been functioning at 10-15 per cent happiness, if I could at least bump that aspect to the full 30 per cent, that’s a better ratio! Ah the way my mind works is like a sitcom at times!

I do panic, honest pure panic when I feel I’m about to lose someone. I remember a few upsetting interactions we had when we’d almost break up (but didn’t) and I would feel the panic rising in my tummy up to my throat and I’d do what I could to steer us back to calmer waters and not be breaking up at that particular moment on that particular day. It did and does have a lot of power over me yet. I don’t understand why as such, but I’m working on it as much as I can.

However I feel I have too much emotional baggage to really able to take a decent stab at turning my life around, especially at this stage of my life, so I’m just taking little steps now when I can. I would love someone choose to love me (outside family) but that seems like a pipe dream to me!

How are you doing today, are you feeling any better now?

Morning all,

Had a terrible night’s sleep last night so I’m a little exhausted today! Kkasxo, I hope the weekend ended up being okay for you.

Michelle, your insight into Kkasxo’s situation is really interesting and makes a lot of sense. I am a little disappointed in myself the past few days.I have been trying to work hard on myself and have spent money on therapy and trying to constantly push myself, even when I really don’t want to, but the past few days have really left me with a feeling that I haven’t grown much at all.

So I mentioned previously that I had been asked on a date by someone, well a ‘kind of’ date, as he quickly changed it into a ‘friends’ conversation when I seemed hesitant. Anyway, needless to say the situation has left me feeling like a saddo. I wasn’t terribly keen on stepping out into the dating world…..lest we forget Shelby is brokenhearted!!!!Haha!

Anyways, when I said I’d love to meet up and have interesting conversations  but I’m not in the dating frame of mind, he said he meant we’d be amazing friends! Then out of the blue I felt….hmmmph! Anyways there was a bit of flirty banter in messages back and forth and we agreed to go for drinks, but there has been zero moves on his part to follow through. some messages back and forth but mostly talking about life and stuff, nothing flirty! Anyway, my issue is this. I’m checking my phone regularly now to see if there are messages from him. When he doesn’t reply after we’ve been texting back and forth in a convo, I feel bad. I feel neglected and foolish. HAVE I PROGRESSED NOTHING?!!!! Why does a man (not even one I’m particularly interested in I think) have such an effect on me.

Why can’t I just be happy on my own and regardless of what that individual does or doesn’t do, it doesn’t affect my mood or my daily life? That’s the dream, why after years in therapy and increasing self awareness am I still at the mercy of a guy’s opinion of me. It’s frustrating and upsetting. I didn’t sleep last night because of him ending the text convo without a reply and then I dreamt about him. So I’m replacing one man for another one, sometimes it makes me want to scream. I would love to be independent and happy and love myself no matter what and I’ve been trying, but I don’t seem to be getting anywhere.

Sorry if this sounds a little jumbled.

Kkasxo,

I hear you. I really hear you. The sadness is often never-ending & it really takes no prisoners. I don’t know if anything more draining than sadness.

I’m glad you’re working on considering yourself more a bit before others, similar to myself, it’s a work in progress. Rome was not built in a day when it comes to that one.

Your last post really resonates with me. I know what you mean about feeling like something is missing & wanting to run away. I feel the same. Honestly, I think something IS missing. I don’t think we’d be feeling this way otherwise. I think it’s a feeling deep deep down in our gut that we don’t know how to interpret yet. I liken it to when you have a list of things to do in your mind or you leave the house in a rush & maybe all day you’ll have a sense that you have forgotten something. It’s an annoying feeling that you can’t figure out but in all circumstances, I find that I have indeed forgotten something.

Sometimes we don’t need to over-analyse or complicate. You feel less that fulfilled or like you’re sad ‘cos there is something missing, then you’re probably unfulfilled and there’s something missing. If that makes sense?! The need to run away comes from the fear perhaps of facing that or delving into what we need to.

I dunno. I just know I know how you feel. The sadness is not always the same intensity for me, some weeks are way worse than others. Sometimes I feel sad that I’m so sad!!! I’m sad that I’m not happy!!! Now that’s just completely working myself up!

The wedding was okay. The weather was atrocious & it was a bbq style reception outside so I froze my little pinkies off, but we got to go inside after the food so it was better then. I did feel a bit lonesome that my friends were there with husbands & wives & there I was again. Alone. It was actually remarkable that in the 4.5 years I was with my ex, he never met the friends I was with at yesterday’s wedding! There are 9 of us & he only ever met one when we bumped into her in a cafe once. Now when I look back, I guess that was strange. But there were remarkably no mutual weddings or gatherings with that group in that time & I guess he wasn’t invested in those elements of my life.

I was so tired today I had to come home and nap. I stayed until the end, despite not drinking, so I was proud of that. It’s my dads bday tomorrow so it will be like Liverpool Street station by afternoon so I’m planning out the dinner.

Do you think you could be honest & speak to Mr A? Isn’t that what supportive partners do? Love & support each other through thick and thin? He might not be aware of how sad you’ve been, especially if you have to wait to cry until he’s out and about. Is there anymore or any other avenue of therapy open to you?

Morning all,

It’s been a whirlwind few days since news started to seep out about my departure from work. Now it means I have to choose other options, no more excuses of ‘being in a job’…..options now become a possibility and that can be a little overwhelming.

I am waiting to have a little graduation event to get my cert for my MUA course, so I’ll be so proud when I have that as I’ve kept that side of things on the down low just until I was confident I had passed etc. But now once I know I’m fully qualified, I’m proud of myself for doing it and I do hope it opens up some doors for me.

I still think about my ex a lot. Everyday actually for most of the day. BUT while I still hold out hope he will have an epiphany, I’m notice I’m now starting to let it sink in a bit more each week that passes that that’s less of a possibility. Also, because I haven’t seen him since we split, I’m gaining a little more confidence now being out and about in the sense that I anticipate bumping into him less as it becomes less likely. So that’s the positive. But look it, I still miss him. We’ll see how it goes.

As for travel, all I can say is, I pity the poor guy who had to deal with indecision in the travel centre I went to for advice! He spent three hours with me, he even needed a toilet break at one point! He came up with a plan for Oz & NZ for six weeks with all long-haul and internal flights and 3 nights accommodation in Singapore and day tours there for about 2,900. I was nearly ready to book but my sister said that it quite expensive and that I have to think of accommodation costs and spending money on top of that and then I realised she’s probably right. I have to be realistic! I’ve never been good at managing budgets etc!

I originally looked at 2 weeks in SE Asia en route, but then before I ran away with myself, I had to say….ummmm Shelby….where on earth do you think you’re going to get the money for all this! I decided to leave out SE Asia this time round just because it all seemed too much and a bit overwhelming. This is my first major solo trip so I think OZ & NZ will be enough for me this time and help me build my confidence.

Anyway, I think i will dial back the 6 weeks to 4 weeks and it might be more financially manageable. Genuinely this is a financial consideration and not a fear-based one in this circumstance, I honestly to have to realistic and I’m known for squandering money a bit. I’m a bit like a unicorn who thinks money will just magically appear out of nowhere!

Oh, some goss….if you’re interested in that kind of thing! I got kind of asked on a date…well I don’t know it’s a date, but anyways, I’m not in the frame of mind for dating, but it was a nice little confidence booster nonetheless!

How is your own travel planning going? I find it all so overwhelming, it must be old hat to you at this stage? I wish I was as savvy or as organised!

I have my friend’s wedding later, so I don’t know how that will go. I might be really sad or I might enjoy it. I’m not drinking anyway, so I’ll be able to nip away at any time if I’m not in the best of form!

Hi there,

Well I’m slowly letting the news of my resignation filter out to a few people. Needless to say my family have….animated opinions on it. Had a row with one of my brothers today who thinks I’m a complete fool for going to Oz. His only modus operandi in life is to go from one job to another. He never wants to be out of work, ever. He works hard but can’t cope without it. Anyway, we agreed to disagree.

I find weekends very tough. I was looking forward to finally getting some rest and had a good sleep last night but woke up this morning with all kinds of sad. I did what I always do, tried not to dwell and hopped out of bed and got my walk in. But I am very lonely at weekends. I suppose it’s a time I used to always spend with my ex. Also, other people have their own families lives so not too many people around to hang out with, plus I don’t want to be a slave to needing to always be with someone at weekends.

I’m no-stop thinking about my ex and when I consciously notice it, I do stop myself and say ‘Ok Shelby, you’re sad, that’s ok…but you’re just making yourself suffer by imagining him out with other women this weekend’. So I immediately try to distract myself, because that really is a form of self torture.

If I’m completely honest, my desire to travel is in some ways still connected to him. I’d be lying if i didn’t admit that I’d love my news of travels to filter back to him and for him to be jealous (he’s obsessed with travel but is kind stuck). I hate that I want him to know and that I want him to think I’m making something wonderful of my life without him, but there it is. I said it. If I can’t be totally honest with somewhat anonymous people online, when can I ever be?! I hope you’re not disappointed.

At the moment I want to be less self-aware. It is not helping me. Years ago when my heart was first broken in my early 20s – minute by comparison – but it’s relative – I handled it much better. Now I completely overthink everything.

@kkasxo, I’m not journaling. I don’t know what has happened. Remember last Sept/Oct I carried this massive refill pad around with me like an oxygen tank and wrote every couple of hours. Now I look over at it in my bedroom and pick up a pen and then put it down again and think, I’m not bothered. How do you make peace with who you are? I am not happy, I find life difficult and I wonder is it because I’m a HSP. How do I accept what I am?

Michelle,

I had lots of ideas for locations in my head with RTW plans and then my sisters kind of brought me back to reality and said I’d just about be able to afford Oz and maybe NZ for a couple of weeks, so now I don’t know. I have made a big decision but now I’m floating in life with absolutely no direction or idea of how to be happy. My ex was my future. I didn’t have a Plan B. Now I have no choice but to make a Plan B and all I can feel is that it’ll be a poor comparison. I don’t know how I ended up as someone who has that frame of mind or why it occurred, but it’s here nonetheless.

My friends in Oz have recommended KL as a good place for a stop-off en route as it’s got a mix of western and eastern culture, it clean and safe with lots to see and do. After that, maybe Thailand but my sisters didn’t think Thailand was a bucket list place when they were there. I don’t know.I think I’m nearly talking myself out of Oz at this stage, but I’m wondering is it like Thursday morning before I resigned, my head (fear) had me wondering was I doing the right think, was I being rash…and my therapist called and said, yep that sounds a lot like our manipulative little friend/foe fear, so I don’t know is this a similar situation.

Sorry I’m not sure if I’m making sense, I hope you can follow x

Hi all,I had partially started a reply the other day when I got interrupted at work and didn’t get to finish, so now I must try and remember what I was going to say and add on any further reply to more recent posts!

Firstly some news- I DID IT!!!! I handed in my notice today. Honestly I have had bad IBS since their weekend and thought it was just something I ate as I was telling myself I wasn’t stressed about the job decision, but deep down my gut must have known better and responded accordingly! I barely slept last night twisting and turning & I called my therapist this morning who gave me great advice for more than 30mins. It completely settled me and gave me the confirmation I needed that fear was trying to manipulate me and while it came across as rational and convincing, it was still trying to shrink me. So I defied it and handed in my notice anyway. It was all a bit of a blur because my boss was dashing out to see a relative in hospital for a routine procedure but I didn’t want to leave it until tomorrow so I had no choice but to catch her before she left. I was as polite and professional as I could be and I hope it was received in that manner. However she was somewhat distracted so I’m sure didn’t process it fully. I imagine there will be further discussion tomorrow.

I haven’t told my Dad yet although he knows it has been in my head for a while and that it was on the cards. I have mentioned nothing about travel to him. My sisters had Prosecco and takeaway ready for me when I arrived after work though which was fun!

I felt relief after I did it but maybe it hasn’t really sunk in for myself yet either and probably won’t until I fully finish up. I’m proud I did it though.

It was something I felt that shifted a cog which has been stuck in my machine for many years. I often see phrases and advice that the cure for grief is motion so we’ll see.

Dont get me wrong though, while I’m happy to have made the decision, I’m still sad about things. I will miss parts of my job. And I’m still pretty broken hearted about my ex. Each day it’s the same, I think about him consistently and wonder will today be the day he might contact me. It’s not like I believe it will happen but the hope is undoubtedly there and it hurts. Reminders of anything to do with him really really hurt now and I can’t mention it or say anything to anyone. I kind of hate him and want to scream and lash out at him all at the same time as wanting to be curled up in his arms. I feel like it’s a frickin disease – why on earth would anyone risk this crap!!!

Michelle. Sorry to be a total nag, but trust me from experience- wisdom tooth pain does not resolve itself. And the earlier you tackle it, honestly the much smoother it goes and you’ll be plain sailing. Otherwise I fear it might really throw a wobbler in the likes of SA when you’re trying to travel and enjoy yourself. I used to dread the dentist, especially after I got two wisdom teeth out via general anaesthetic in hospital- horrific experience. Then I found a wee dote of a dentist who is so kind and gentle to her clients. She treats me like a child which suits me fine! She went to remove the remaining two wisdom teeth, just under local anaesthetic in her office. The dread was real. When she numbed me she said is the sweetest Devon accent she was going to push her thumb in to check was I fully numbed so I would just feel pressure. I gave her the thumbs up and she said, well done, all good, the wisdom tooth is out!!!! She tricked me and it didn’t so much as hurt an iota! I promise you won’t regret getting rid of those bad boys once and for all!

I’m so sorry to hear of your fall. Honestly falling as an adult is quite traumatic. We don’t bounce back like kids and we can’t burst into a complete tantrum and adults rarely fall so it’s all very unnerving! However, some say a small accident like that is a bigger one avoided – and I believe that.

Kkasxo,

Im so glad to hear from you, albeit not happy to hear of your exhaustion and sadness. I don’t know what will happen with Mr.A but do what you are able to cope with at any given time. You’ve been through hell and it’s natural to process things step by step as you’re able.

It doesn’t sound completely like a loving, supportive relationship that I would hope for you, or that you would hope for yourself. But, you are definitely among friends here. I knew if I asked myself the question in my mind, many times when I was in my relationship with my ex, if I was happy, truly happy, the answer was always no. But made no difference. I wanted him and I wanted to be with him regardless. I completely empathise. He was perhaps just stronger than me and knew it was better to end it ‘cos I never would. Doesn’t mean I wouldn’t take him back tomorrow morning!!!!

I wholeheartedly agree about the exhaustion. Processing is beyond anything I’ve done in my life in terms of the energy it drains. Even when I try not to process, I think I’m still processing. There are days when I don’t feel like I have the energy to get out of bed, but I inevitably always do because I’ve nearly always planned something or have something to do for someone! Plus my bed is a bad place for me to be. My head has too much control in that silence.

I hope you can move forward in a way that one day you can come on here and write Shelby, Michelle, how are ye doing, I’m stupidly happy!!! Oh I wish that for you, from everything I’ve learned about you since last October, I can’t imagine anyone who deserves it more.

When we made the pact last Oct to come back online in a years time I thought that was so far away and we’d be in much better/different places. Little did I think everyday would still be given to thoughts of my ex as we get ever closer to that date. Time flies and goes painfully slow, if that makes sense.

My head is all over the place tonight with so much to fill it and I’m sure the Prosecco will have a damning effect on my mood tomorrow but I guess I’ll play it by ear.

Michelle, how on earth is it a possible you rented a car for £5????? I think I need you to take over planning my travel!