Hi guys,

Im alive!!! Reporting from Down Under!

It’s been a whirlwind. The first week was great, but I ended up in hospital today with bad stomach problems. Thankfully the care I received was second to none so I’m on the mend.

However it has dampened my spirit a little and increased my anxiety. I’m trying to breathe and just be, but it’s hard at times. Anxiety is not something I got to leave behind when I hopped on the plane.

A lot of travelling so far so not much time to just sit and think or feel, so I’m going to try and make more space for that in the coming days when I’m (hopefully) fully better.

Michelle,

How is Cape Town? My friend just returned from there and says it’s incredible.

Kkasxo,

How are you? Are you still feeling rough? I know you have more gumption than you think you did. I have always viewed you as a stronger person that I…..and look what I just did!!! So I know you’ll make whatever decisions you need to make when you need to make them.

X

Hi all,

Sorry, the whirlwind is continuing and I was getting a little overwhelmed by how much organisation for my travel there is. To be honest, what has been taking up the most of my time is meeting people who are close to me before I head off! They all want to meet up, you would swear I’m going for 4 years rather than 4 weeks!

Kkasxo,

I know exactly what you’re feeling. I know it all too well. It’s a sh*tty place to be and I used to be so hard on myself for not being better, for not making decisions, for not moving forward. But the reality is, you can’t…until you are ready. I was not ready to let go of my ex after breakup No1, I was not ready to let go of my ex after breakup No. 2, it took a third time for me to to understand i couldn’t go back again. Don’t get me wrong…..I still want to…in a utopian world….but it seems my self-respect only kicked in after the third breakup and that’s ok…..i don’t regret any of it. It was meant to happen the way it was meant to happen.

Im moving forward, in theory. Thank you so much for your kind kind words about how much progress i’ve made. I know I feel better than I did last Oct, but I’d be lying if I said I was over the heartbreak or my ex. I think about him a million times a day, i often still daydream that he’ll have an epiphany or that one day we’ll find our way back to each other, but I think I’m self aware enough to know that that might not happen either and therefore I need to have an alternative plan.

So i packed in the job……which was scary but now that I’ve left….I honestly wonder why I didn’t do it sooner, I fly to Sydney next Tuesday…..I KNOW….MAD!!!! I will have to keep you posted on whether that was the right decision or whether I’m even more lonely over there….thank goodness Tiny Buddha is geographically transportable! Kkasxo, I don’t know…..I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing or just distracting myself. I don’t know if i have dealt with the grief or loss or lack of self worth properly yet…I just don’t know. But what I did and do know is that maintaining the life I had with absolutely no change was going to guarantee that I would never feel better. So, I’m trying to feel better. Who knows if it will work!

If you’re not ready to make decisions one way or another right now, that’s fine, i don’t want to hear you beating yourself up anymore for not being able to make decisions….you will….when you’re ready. You’re amazing, you are getting there, at whatever pace you are able for. One day you might get a notion and say ‘I will not let fear stand in my way….a direction in any direction is better than staying in the same place’ and when that day comes, you’ll move. It will just be there, you’ll grow sick of the indecision I think. That’s what happened me. I remember before the last reconciliation constantly posting on here about not knowing whether to reach out to my ex or not, it was driving me nuts. I couldn’t stick the indecision any more, so I made a decision and went for it. It was the right decision for me at the time and I don’t regret it, at least it moved me, I learned.

Hang in there for yourself. You can and will survive whatever life throws at you, you already have! Also, I’m here at the end of the keyboard for as long as you’ll listen to my ramblings so you’re stuck with me I’m afraid!

Michelle,

How on earth do you not get overwhelmed with travel prep?!!!! I’m drowning in a sea of Air Bnb and airline websites!!!!  I tip my hat to you! I hope you keep us updated on your travels while away and I’ll definitely be on here tracking my literal and metaphorical journey haha!

Chat again soon x

Hi Kkasxo,

My last day was emotional and overwhelming I must admit. But it was heartwarming to see the genuine sentiment people expressed to me.

The cards and gifts and well wishes and phone calls honestly filled my heart. It became public knowledge pretty quickly that I was finishing up in my workplace and I sent a couple of goodbye and thanks emails to contacts, which resulted in 3 calls in the space of a few hours wondering would I be interested in jobs! So while I felt my own bosses reaction to my departure was underwhelming to put it mildly, those calls boosted my professional confidence a little again!

After a party on Friday night, Saturday was horrific. I’m not a big drinker if I’m honest, but I enjoy my glass of wine. Let’s just say, prosecco is NOT the same as wine and I’m pretty sure I’m allergic to it! I thought I would end up in hospital or a morgue on Sat! Also I was staying in a hotel in the city for the night so I went into complete spiral when I got sick Sat morn. I completely reverted back to that anxious state where I need someone around me at all times. I’ve always had an odd phobia of being sick, but guess what thoughts cropped up….you guessed it….my ex.

I cant remotely ever contact that man again, we are completely done, not even if I broke my leg outside his house and couldn’t walk would it be appropriate for me to contact him and YET all I wanted for much of that morning was him. He always provided me with such comfort when I was scared and vulnerable. He literally would sit holding my hand, talking to me, reassuring me and taking practical steps and I felt whenever I was with him when upset or ill, that everything would be okay and that he wouldn’t let anything happen to me.

So these thoughts let to thoughts of criticism of myself for needing people, for not being enough of an adult to look after myself in such circumstances, like normal people. Then I got scared about travel….what if I get sick abroad, so far away from support…..as you can imagine, Saturday was not fun lying on a bathroom floor wanting to die and aching with pain at the loss of my ex and anxious as hell about being alone and my future. I managed to make it home (dunno how!) and I didn’t leave my bed until Sunday.

On Sunday I was better and even did a charity walk for a local charity which helped my mum. Also my mood was fine on Sunday, but my need for my ex spooked me and I just felt sad that I’m finding it so difficult to let him go. It seems so silly given that he has let me go a long time ago, so I’m holding on to something that’s not even there, but if it were simple, then there would never be anything to see therapists about!

In relation to your new place….what did you mean by two month notice? Is that like a trial period? What do you think the immediate future holds for you? The one thing I do know is that you won’t do something before you’re ready. People felt I should have ended it with my ex lots of time when I wasn’t getting what I needed. I knew I should have left my job years ago but I wasn’t ready. I became ready a month ago, I don’t know why, I just did it. I’m trying to change my outcome I guess. I’m trying to make decisions, I don’t know if it’ll work, but staying as I was didn’t seem to be making me happy so……

Morning Kkasxo,

Last night was tough, twisting and turning – I really can’t stomach being ‘off’ with anyone. It is affecting my concentration and eating today also. I feel the last time we had a big fight, I reached out to mend it and be the bigger person because I didn’t like the uncomfortable feeling, but I fear if I do that again, it’s merely because I don’t like this feeling and maybe I should just sit with it. Maybe I’m meant to. Because at the end of the day, I wasn’t solely to blame and me mending it with her will just be me having to take 100% responsibility and her taking the high road think I’m an absolute cow and she was totally right and vindicated and I think in the long run that causes more resentment.

Some very harsh words were said and I definitely regret them and am genuinely sorry for my behaviour but she was quite nasty too and I’m not willing to let that go to keep the peace, but this upset if unbearable too – so….rock….hard place….

My other sister is trying to be the buffer at the moment and says we were both to blame, probably my reactions more so because overreacted. She says it will eventually blow over but at the moment, I feel so upset, angry, hurt, regretful and basically ick.

I explained to my sister (the nice one!) last night that I’m so unhappy a lot of the time and she suggested increasing my medication again and that honestly broke my heart. The medication was for anxiety and panic attacks. I don’t need medication because Im sad, I think I know why Im sad. I’m not living the life I wanted/want, but at least I’m trying to work on it.

But look what my unhappiness is doing to me and my relationships with family and friends…I can well imagine it’s affecting your life too Kkasxo in all aspects. I think the only way to change is to explore what WOULD make us happy, we have to stop staying exactly where we are I think.

I just want to close my eyes and have this situation over. Im ready to be happy now, I’ve been through enough, I’m done with life being such a sh*t show! xx

Kkasxo,

I think fundamentally humans need connection. It’s part of our evolution, so I don’t think any one man is an island. Having said that, I do think it is possible to be content in one’s own company too, while reaching out for connection from time to time. I will never ever be someone who can be in a camp on my own for 3 years and never need anyone. I am who I am, I love connection and I think that’s a good thing. The problem at the moment is that I NEED the connection so bad and find without it, my functioning is not as easy. So that’s what we have to work on I guess, to be happy to make connections and as such create a level of dependency, which I believe it natural, but not that they are the only key to our survival.

I dreamt about my ex last night. Maybe because I went for a walk with a friend and we mentioned him or things that happened in the past. The dream started with me being happy go lucky and friendly towards him (although we were not together) but then as the dream went on he kept questioning and finding problems and reasons to not be with me, even though in the dream it didn’t appear that I was even trying to reconcile but by the end of the dream….I felt terrible again and was like…’I get it, there are a million reasons not to be with me…you don’t need to keep harping on about it!!!’, so I woke up a little out of sorts. But I only have one more week of work left after this week, so when I get to work these days, I always feel a little lighter!

I reached out to a couple of people who have flaked on communication lately and was a little more honest by directly asking them is something was wrong, rather than my roundabout way of making inquiries. My best friend explained she had been in hospital with her child and her other child had also been sick, so it made sense and I understood and I felt better knowing that it wasn’t me. Give what you want to get back. It doesn’t have to be everything, just enough and if you get that back, great. If not, then you’ll be more discerning going forward.

I actually can’t believe its nearly Oct!!!! How naive was I last October, constantly asking the forum…WHEN would I feel better? I didn’t know a year later I’d still be feeling pretty sad and brokenhearted, but I guess we must acknowledge that we’re not in exactly the same place. We may be in no better place, but i think it’s still a different place!

Keep up the fit bit, my friend uses it and feels amazing!

Hi Kkasxo,

I completely understand your anger and frustration. IT IS frustrating, but unlikely something you can change. My brother said to me the other day…’What are we going to do for four sundays for someone to make us dinner’ and ‘who will look after Dad when you are gone’….now I can explain until I#m blue in the face that it’s not solely my responsibility and he has equal responsibility, but he will NEVER get it. It ends up in a screaming match. He sees it as my/woman’s job and that’s just what he believes. Equally you can try and compare Mr.A and his sister to him, but the fact is, the emphasis is NOT on men in his culture, only on the daughters, so he’s unlikely to see how it should affect him when no-one from his background sees it that way and he has never seen it that way before. So it is what it is I guess.

The resentment will continue to grow though I think, it’s honestly something that does not go away unless some serious hard and progressive work is done by both parties. That’s not to say that’s not a possibility, it is. But I think it’s the only way to move forward happy in the relationship at least.

I’m have a meh week. My friend near London has really been flaking on responses to communication and I’m hurt by it. She has a busy life with kids, I completely understand that, but that has never stopped her communicating in the past, even briefly. I have always felt it’s disrespectful to anyone you care about to not respond, even at the very least to indicate you are swamped and will be in touch soon. It makes me question a lot and she’s not the only friend who has failed to respond to a text with a question recently.

Growth is supposed to be for the better so why does it feel like I’m ending up sad and hurt with a lot less friends?

S x

Hi there!

Sorry for the delay. Time ran away from me again. Things are difficult. Stuff is hard. Self awareness is hell. That’s what I’m feeling lately, but I live in the hope that it’s worth it. That happiness is a possibility too, so I trudge on.

Michelle,

I’m not overly religious myself but I have long since found and felt that disaster has been avoided for many because of a flat tyre or forgetting keys or missing flights. So tragic for the loved ones of the person who died. I am glad you are still here to tell the tale but it can be a shock experience.

Thank you for your advice about grief, it really is something I am hoping to work on further. In one way, a sick part of me hopes that’s exactly what’s wrong with me. That that would explain the devastation I have felt at losing my ex, my extreme reactions etc. I’d love to be able to have a eureka moment. But who knows.

Kkasxo,

Remember what I said previously about emotions….from the Latin word which basically means, express outward. I think you have to continually keep doing it, even if therapy sessions have ended, even if your relationship is on steadier ground than when you were in a spiral. Everything must come out. So let it out. Here, if you want to, or to family, friends, Mr.A, your journal, the air, whatever way you need to.

I know for me, hormones play a huge part in my ups and downs so I really have been telling myself lately that ‘this too shall pass’ and it usually does. I’m a bit anxious and panicky this evening (actually probably due to other people’s input into my life), but yesterday on a walk, I registered that I could not say I was unbearably sad. I have only felt that one sentence to be true the past year, on and off but the overriding response to the question ‘how are you?’, one I’d ask myself regularly. But on Saturday I felt I couldn’t justifiably day I was extremely sad as before. I had to admit, I am kind of neutral or maybe I don’t know the exact description yet, but it seems things do change, even if only sporadically.

Feel whatever you need to and make no apologies. x