@kkasxo,

I know exactly how nervous you must feel and there is nothing I can say which will make you less nervous. Except maybe when my therapist says fear and excitement have the exact same physiological response so instead of repeating over and over how nervous I am, to think of it as excited for a new opportunity! At least you’re trying! Good vibes on their way to you……and don’t worry, I survived my rejection & even trying to see the benefits of not getting that job now!!! (With effort!)

You are SO right! It was nice, it was nice having someone put me first for a change. Planning his days around me, making me feel special! But it wouldn’t have been fair to continue it when I don’t see a future. I definitely miss hanging out with him for sure, but it wouldn’t be fair of me to keep him just as a friend. So I’m giving him space.

This past year has felt like a decade in many ways. I seem to have that thing I may have mentioned before, where my ex and the time we had together this year& the final breakup are all kind of….blurred now! I can’t recall it in HD surround sound like I could before. That complex brain of mine I guess, always protecting!

I wonder what 2020 could bring for us?! I sort of think in my romantic life I’ve survived the worst, so at least if I stay single there is no chance of another horrendous anxiety and pain filled year in that sense, so that’s worth looking forward to I guess!

I’m actually craving a trip to London- it’s like I went travelling, I want to be on the go the whole time now! But I’m flat broke, so it’ll have to be something to look forward to next year!

No plans for my birthday. It’s Tuesday so it’s awkward day for family/friends. Plus I don’t really have any go-to person to celebrate with. That’s the hard part of birthdays I find. Not having that special someone who makes it a special day for you, for one day of the year. I know that nice guy would have planned something nice, but I had to end it. It was only fair.

So right now my sisters and I are in United Nations negotiations trying to find a suitable plan- so basically there is no plan, well….not one I had hoped for. My biggest weakness- not coping well when things don’t work out as I’d hoped or planned!

Im a Sagittarius – Dec 3rd! X

Hi all,

How are you doing? I’m checking in because I’m having a struggle week. I started a new temporary job for the festive season & also ended my situation with the new nice guy as I’m not moved on from my ex.

At the moment I don’t really have a clear set vision of where I’m going or how I’m going to end up happy!

@kkasxo how’s things on your end?

@kkasxo,

Hey!!! I did! I start in a department store cosmetics counter next week- completely different from anything I’ve done before and I’m sure there will be a lot of raised eyebrows but I’m excited! And it’s not too fear inducing in the sense that it’s only short term.

Also had an interview for a big job in my previous line of work earlier this week and another job interview for a different job tomorrow, so the universe has got to grab me something right?!

Money is definitely tight, I hear ya. And that’s a trigger for my anxiety, bigtime. But I want to be careful not to just fall into work for the sake of paying bills again but not being truly happy or fulfilled with the job.

Also, something weird has shifted a bit- prior to my travel I was searching for jobs not far from home, whereas now I’m a lot more open to travelling elsewhere for work, which is strange for me, but I’ll run with it!

My ex is still on my mind a lot, it’s there. It is what it is. It’s making me feel bad because I’m kinda seeing the new guy but I’m so unavailable I feel like I’m being horrible. I have stressed to him many times that I’m working on myself, don’t want to be in a relationship and that he should never sacrifice his feelings or desires or needs for me or anyone. He keeps saying it’s all good and he’s happy to take things slow and stuff but honestly he’s like a puppy and while I like hanging out with him, I’m so scared I’m gonna hurt him.

But then self aware Shelby is like overthinking everything and I’m wondering am I just sabotaging someone who could actually love me, am I running away from someone who’s actually available, ugh, it’s all ick and I just can’t live with hurting another human. And this guy is pretty sensitive.

Any leads on your job hunt? What will you be doing for Xmas?

Hi Michelle,

Lovely to hear from you. I’ve been a bit hectic lately, trying to sort out job stuff and going on a few dates with that guy and also everyone I know seems to be sick, so I’m trying to help out where I can with kids etc.

Michelle it sounds like SA has really had an impact on you, I can only imagine what kind of life you’re living right now, it sounds incredible. You seem so motivated and together…I definitely envy you – but not in a mean way – I’m very happy for you to be living a life you worked hard for!

I haven’t explored the volunteering just at the moment- for rather drab practical reasons. I have a few makeup appointments booked in over the next 6 weeks and while i’m not working I can’t afford to be buying new makeup products, so I have be be frugal with my existing kit and therefore just don’t have the resources to volunteer out my kit yet, but hopefully when I have more steady work, I’ll be able to see it through. Also, I’m lacking confidence because of lack of experience and therefore am poor at promoting my skills or desire for new clients, but it’s a catch 22 because I can’t gain more experience without gaining new clients! I have applied to a few department stores cosmetics halls for any seasonal vacancies so maybe something will come of that.

Your suggestion about looking at things from my kids’ perspective is an interesting one, but one that I find too hard to imagine! I just cant conjure up an idea of my own kids at all! What would Freud say about that I wonder!?!!

I has become even more apparent lately that the guy I have gone on dates with is very interested in me. He is extremely sensitive and I have created a space for him where he feels he can finally be himself with someone. So yeah…..now I feel terrible!!! We went away for a night over this past weekend and it didn’t exactly turn out how I thought it would. Im a terrible human being, but it made me miss what I had with my ex even more. Dammit, will I ever get over that relationship?!!! I have expressed to new guy that I’m not healed from a previous relationship and whilst I enjoy his company, that I don’t want to be in a relationship and there is a lot going on for me personally at the moment. He says he completely understands and knows the risks but he believes I am worth waiting for and other complimentary overly-sappy remarks to that effect! Im not a fool either, I recognise the parts of him that are beginning to turn me off are his sensitivity, softness and over expression of his feelings to me – all stuff I probably don’t like about myself. So I don’t know, I’m absolutely petrified of hurting him now, especially when he opened up about certain issues and has been vulnerable with me, he doesn’t deserve to be hurt. He’s a wonderful person and I know I definitely want him in my life long term- but perhaps as a friend? I don’t know. He has promised that no matter what, we’ll be strong strong friends even if it doesn’t work out, but I’ve told him, while I would love that, I can’t expect to ask that of him as he is fully entitled to space if he’s hurt or disappointed. He keeps telling me to stop overthinking everything and maybe he’s right, but at the end of the day, should I still be thinking about my ex such a large chunk of every single day. Lately even fantasising that we could just hook up for a physical relationship in the future. Man do I feel not healed, not strong, not sensible lately.When does it get better???

@Kkasxo, how are you doing? Any bites on the jobs front? I’m inclined to agree with Michelle about Mr.A, at some point I guess you need to forgive him or forget him and leave the past in the past, if progressive moves have been made to rectify or improve the relationship development? Let me know how you’re doing x

Wow Kkasxo, I’m the same. No income since I left work and it’s a little scary. Granted, I live with my Dad so I won’t be homeless anytime soon but I’ve been working my whole life, it’s disconcerting not having an income & not knowing when I will.

I turned down one of two offers while I was on my trip as I didn’t think they felt right. I’ve applied for a few other things, but I’m really wondering what exactly it is I want to do. I just find it hard to figure it out. Again, I placed too much perhaps on the shoulders of the trip, that I thought it would give me clarity.

Well done Mr.A for trying, it shows he is backing up his talk with action. Always a good sign. Ya see I just don’t know….because I’m not you…..I don’t know are you guys actually really good together but something deep inside you is preventing you from letting ANYBODY love you. I know you say you want love, relationship, commitment, but what if that which you truly desire is that which terrifies you the most deep in your subconscious. If you let it in, it’s something you risk losing, or maybe you feel unworthy of it? I’m just brainstorming! It’s just because so much of the thoughts & feelings you and I have are quite similar at times. So I might be just thinking out loud for myself!

The guy is a lovely person. When I’m around him I laugh and have fun but I don’t know if it’s in a romantic sense. I try not to compare him….but it happens a lot. Some elements I really like about him and other elements not so much. Maybe I cringe at the sensitivity or heart on sleeve approach cos that’s a part of myself I don’t like?!

As for not ending up alone…..well the myth not entirely debunked yet. I used to have this argument with my therapist (who I can’t afford at the mo!). I do believe that if I wanted to find a man and get married within the next two years, that’s possible. It’s not that I thought it’s not possible to meet a man, there are loads out there, but more so, felt and feel I won’t meet anyone I’m interested in the way I loved my ex. No-one would be as ‘great’ as him or if I ever came across a unicorn in the future who I actually felt as strongly about, the feeling would not be mutual.

So….I could be with someone in my life again, but not someone on the scale of my ex. Just someone who liked me, not necessarily that I like them as much. I can’t see myself settling for something like that, hence the conclusion that I will now be alone.

I’m extremely worried about hurting this guy because of sensitive and empathetic I am, it would make me nauseous to know that I caused anyone pain, so I’m scared on multiple fronts!

Only another wonderful day in the messed up mind of Shelby!!!!

So good to hear from you Kkasxo and belated happy birthday! I hope you at least got some nice surprises from those closest to you, I think everyone deserves to be spoiled on their birthday.

The travel has been intense, I’ve gotten so used to living out of a suitcase now that I can’t imagine what stability used to feel like! As each days passes, I’m getting more confident in my ability to be able to travel alone. Which I’m proud of, but it doesn’t mean I don’t miss having someone with me- it just means that despite that, I am physically capable of doing it alone.

I am starting to feel a tick tock clock in the back of my mind now- to go back to reality- THIS SATURDAY- can you believe it?!!! But I don’t want to. Not because I love travelling the world too much to go home but because reality has been suspended during this trip. And not having to deal with reality is nice, I’m not gonna lie. So I’m trying to live in the moment and catch myself anytime my mind wanders off to the future, so that I can appreciate these last few days.

How are you doing? I hope you’re okay- and only cos I feel like I’ve gotten to know you somewhat over the past year- do I get the sense that you seem less than happy. Even re-read your posts the past few months yourself- it sounds like you’re not fulfilled or happy- I’m not sure exactly – but has that been two birthdays now in less than amazing circumstances? I think you deserve to be a queen on your birthday- not sad, or depressed. Would you consider another stint of counselling if it were feasible? I have to say, my anxiety was through the roof after my hospital stint at the start of my holiday and my therapist emailed and texted me with advice and it honestly profoundly calmed me! Amazing!

If the relationship/job/whatever it is- is not contributing to you being a happy human, maybe the time is approaching to make decisions. Stand up for you and your boundaries/needs/goals. I don’t know how to do it- I’m no expert on that front – I just decided one day to pack in my job because when I took a step back and looked at it from a more distant point of view- I realised I was wasting my life on a dead end, because it was comfortable and familiar. As for the man- well I never had the strength to end that- and even now I wish he would change his mind and come back- so I’m zero help to you there- but I’ve always had the sense that you’re a stronger person that I Kkasxo, so I think you would absolutely succeed where I didn’t.

Can you believe it’s been almost a year since we first communicated?! I’m very grateful we crossed paths. X

Another day, another flight! I’m tired but it’s good! I’m doing it- by myself- even if I’m homesick, even if I fell ill, even if I miss my ex, I’m doing it, by myself. So I’m trying to focus on that and not trigger myself.

@kkasxo just checking in to see how you are doing? Soon coming up on one year pact for Tiny Buddha- can you believe it?!