Kkasxo,

Happy birthday and well done. At the point we are at- survival is an achievement so not texting him even after a few drinks is a courageous feat.

I’m not as strong today as other days. I’m alone and it’s early and there are no distractions so the pain is in full force. I’m sort of howling with tears, understanding exactly what happened and not understanding at all. I guess that’s the head and heart fighting.

Im on the brink of texting him. Rationally Inknow it will serve no purpose, that my friends and family will be disappointed and I’m fearful it will set me back in my so-called recovery and yet, the desire remains. I’m not sure what to do. I’ve been finding cold turkey extremely difficult because this person was in my life everyday and now nothing. It’s extreme.

I wish I could tell you I’m doing ok, to give you some hope, and maybe others would say I am, but it feels like I’m not. Ok, maybe I’ll stick it out and not contact, maybe as the weeks go by, the raw feeling will ease and the cravings won’t be as savage. But I genuinely feel I’ll never not be sad about it. That I’ll just get used to living with the pain, loneliness and loss. I can’t see my future as ‘happy’ per se. Just surviving. I guess therein lies the problem.

S x

Anita,

You are correct, I’m not okay with the breakup. The second reference to having my shot was speaking in the voice of the powers that be, or whoever. I figure that’s what they must be saying.

Hi Kkasxo,

Its a truly devastating experience. We have not had any contact since the day he ended it and people have said that is the reason I’m even half coping. The general advice is that contact will slowly kill you, not literally, but emotional torture. But to be honest, while I’m trying to maintain my distance, it is almost physical and mental torture. The only thing preventing me contacting is the fear that it will set me back 16days and that 16 days has been hell on Earth and I don’t think I could do it over. Actually a second niggling point is that if he wanted to be with me, he would CONTACT me. He hasn’t. So I can contact him, but it doesn’t seem as though he wishes to be in contact with me, so apart from the quick hit I’d get from inserting myself into his existence again for a brief moment, where will it get me. He hasn’t changed his mind or he would have contacted me. I realise as I type these words, I’m trying to convince myself.

It’s nice to know someone else on this earth knows the pain at this current moment and I don’t feel so alone. Have you been able to function otherwise?

Thanks for the reply. Therapist has asked similar vague questions but not to my knowledge. I grew up with loving parents, no abandonment. My family would have always said ‘I’m the sensitive or soft one’. I guess I’m a highly sensitive person. I just like company. If I’m ill or hurting, I feel I need physical affection or presence. That’s why I’m struggling with the breakup, it was one of the most comforting things about my ex. The withdrawal is acute.