Victoria,

i know that feeling well. Don’t be afraid, you’re not alone. It’s scary to deal with anxiety, but it’s a feeling, it’s horrible & uncomfortable but it’s a feeling- it can’t hurt you. Say to yourself, ‘ok I hear you anxiety, I’m lonely, that’s ok and natural. This too shall pass’. And it does. Eventually.

I would strongly recommend speaking to a therapist, without mine, I don’t think I would have been able to handle anything. They are a godsend and have helped dozens of people like us, so they know what’s going on.

I’ve had a particularly difficult night twisting and turning with a knot in my stomach. But tomorrow might be better, I hope.

S x

Hi Victoria,

Your situation sounds painful. Believe me when I say we can appreciate the loss and the pain. It’s hell on Earth but I guess you were right, relationship or strangers is probably the healthiest way to go.

People might think if you’re the one who ended the relationship, that’s you sail off into the sunset on your happy horse. Tbh, I know my ex ended it with me, but he was distraught doing it and I know he gets no great pleasure in us being split up either. But unfortunately we couldn’t stay together as we were and he wasn’t able to move on. So both of us are wrecked.

I guess if you are not ready or want to be in a relationship with him now, have a future with him, it is probably better for him to leave him be, as excruciating as that may be for you.

I completely understand the family ties too, I adored my ex’s family and his mum was especially good to me. In truth I miss them all.

Do you have a breakup buddy you could text when you feel weak? Someone recently told me they had one who they would text each time they felt like texting their ex girlfriend and it worked. The buddy would distract long enough and understood the scenario to get him over the hump of that craving.

@Kkasxo, my therapist told me today I haven’t given up hope which is why I can’t move on. Yet. They explained that I’m not 3 weeks through yet so what I’m feeling is normal and the grief is going to hit me in waves. Also explained that if I got in contact, it would mean that I reached out to try and control something that’s not within my control. He made his decision, if he wanted to change it, he would have contacted me and be with me. I get the logic, the ‘science’ of it I often joke, but still not sinking in. That’s because hope remains, it’s one of the hardest things to accept.

S x

Kkasxo,

Oh the little things….they’re a killer! In fact, I had some very distressing news from a friend early last week and I was in such shock and upset about it, I picked up the phone to call my ex immediately, not even thinking. I put it down again, but it was a time I really needed him and had to resist. I have heard so many times, including from my therapist that it’s so sad he couldn’t move forward, that he will one day regret it and realised he made the wrong life choices. I think that’s probably true, because I’ve learned so much about how our minds work, I genuinely felt that deep deep down, he wanted the same things as me but was too scared to investigate the prospect because of ties he doesn’t even realise he has.

The fact that he might regret it in 10 or 15 years time, doesn’t really help me now. Although at this moment, it’s probably a better prospect that him sailing off into the sunset living a wonderfully happy life without me!

I’m at the stage where I kind of want to go back to pre-ex times, when I had never fallen for anyone before and knew no different. Ignorance is bliss as they say!

I hope you’re managing your no contact endeavour well. x

Dear HoneyBlossom,

Thanks for the kind advice.

S x

Kkasxo, I’ve lost half stone in two weeks, so I feel your pain. I’m sorry you have that morning pain where you check your phone.

I suppose I still hope he’ll change his mind, but I don’t expect to see a message or anything from him in the mornings so at least that roller-coaster is something I can avoid.

If I take a higher more distant look at it, I see the perspective that it’s been 17 days, of course it seems natural to feel how I’m feeling right now. However, that 17 days has felt like 17 months and the idea of trying to even get to 6 months seems insurmountable. Then there is the part of me that can’t let go, that I don’t WANT to be 6 months down the road away from him.

It’s tough. Let’s keep telling ourselves positive things to try and trick our brains, positive mental attitude an all that jazz!

S x

Hi Tom,

Thanks so much for your post. I’m sorry after 3 months you are not feeling much better, I may be in the same position in a couple of months too. Rationally and logically I know my ex tried to move forward but just wasn’t able. But my heart fights with me the whole time, constantly wanting to understand why he couldn’t just take the steps, or work on himself so he would eventually be able to take the steps. The fact you have not contacted your ex girlfriend since you split shows incredible self-restraint and you are a stronger person than I.

My relationship was almost 4 years long so I’m hoping it won’t take 2 to get over it. The sleeping is also a problem for me too, but I have not had to resort to any medication to aid sleep just yet, hopefully that will continue and I will eventually get back into a sleeping pattern naturally.

I’m sorry for your heartache Tom, I completely understand.

Fair play to you. That’s incredible progress for someone who is bereft and heartbroken. One days progress is an achievement, not to mention a few days.

I guess I feel the same, I hate the world I’m in right now but a teeny tiny part of me does hold on to the assurance from others including my therapist, that I’m making progress, so it’s that tiny chink of hope for that- in other words not wanting to have to redo the last 17days that has kept me from the edge of contacting him. I’m not strong – I’m just petrified of more pain!

The trick I’m using to prevent contact is to say to myself, the option is always there, but I don’t think I’ll bother today, maybe tomorrow. And then tomorrow comes and I do the same. So it doesn’t seem cold turkey, it just seems it’s untol tomorrow!

The thing that’s killing me is that we loved each other too. Despite him being unable to say the words, I knew. The breakup is no doubt killing him too but he got to the stage where he thought it was the right thing.

Its a pity my head wouldn’t tell my heart that, because I’m truly lost without him. I just did some grocery shopping and there was a long queue and I nearly abandoned my shopping trolley and ran out of the store in pieces.