@kkasxo,

Safe travels and I hope it helps a little. My pain has eased off again this afternoon, for no apparent reason. I still feel dreadful but not on the brink of despair like earlier.

It’s weird, the unpredictability of it all.

S

I totally agree @kkasxo, I knew I would eventually contact him but it’s done now. It was a last hope and it didn’t change anything.

There was no nastiness or anything, it was quite banal, but that’s it, it didn’t change anything so I won’t be doing it again.

Yesterday out on a walk, I just realised I want to be happy. I’m tired of feeling terrible and broken. Some time soon I want to have a happy life. I thought that would be with him, but evidently it’s not going to be. So I’m going to have to try and claw back a happy life for myself.

I don’t know how but apparently time is the answer to all my questions! So they say!

Im in a meeting today which is distracting me somewhat! Apart from the odd check of tiny Buddha!

How are you today? It’s a new day and you’re still alive, so survive. Survive another day, despite the pain. Worry about tomorrow tomorrow.

S x

Victoria,

There seems to be a trigger for you to contact your ex. You panic and then contact him. If you could figure out a way of getting through the panic without contacting him, you’d be on the long road to recovery. I know you want to figure out what to focus on a 6 wk course of therapy, but I’d advise talking to someone now. They usually figure out for you what you need to do for the best right now.

@Kkasxo

How did your ex reach out if you blocked him? Was it an alternative route? The wedding was always going to be torture, but you survived. It might not have been pretty, but you survived. The wedding wasn’t called off or delayed because the maid of honour wouldn’t get out of bed or leave the toilet, so you survived. You’re broken hearted so it didn’t have to be amazing, it just had to be done.

Its not fair that he contacted you but that’s his failing. I guess it’s up to us to decide not to react and put our own welfare first. Believe me, I would have done the same though if my ex contacted me, we’re human.

Its definitely time to block him for good so that you can cope. You are coping, albeit painfully. But you are coping. Not coping is not getting out of bed and giving up. I’m so sorry it’s been so difficult for you, but it’s done and you got through it and the healing can begin. Get home and back to your routine.

I didn’t sleep well at all, after my friend messaged to say she’s engaged I just felt so sad and lost. Also, I know my communication with my ex was exactly as I expected and he didn’t contact me again after I sent the last text (which was a dead end Text anyway), but it still hurt. I thought it might just have opened a window for him if he wanted to say anything to me, or give me a call or anything, but no. He has not budged, changed his mind, or anything. Anyone looking from the outside would say ‘girl the writing is in the wall, that man is not for turning, he made a decision and is sticking to it, wake up’. But it’s our betraying hearts that keep hope alive.

Good luck today.

Victoria,

Do NOT underestimate the influence of PMS. I am a fairly logical, rational, understanding person but for a week a month, I turn into a clingy, emotional, wreck. It’s unfair because it’s outside our control and many people scoff at it.

I know what you mean about thoughts and meditation. When I started two years ago, I was in a bad place and I thought all my meditations would be concentrated periods of erratic thoughts. But actually it became a reprieve from my erratic thoughts. By focusing on a mantra, I could always bring myself back from my thoughts running away of their own accord. It became 20mins in the day where my head could find some peace. I would recommend 1Giant Mind app- I followed the steps which the guy on the app explains so clearly and simply and it really does help now. At the moment, I have a lot of thoughts running through my head during meditation but as the app explains, that’s a process of releasing stress and I usually feel marginally better after.

I definitely think you should avail of counselling. Our thoughts and perspective can be scary when suffering from anxiety and it’s comforting to finally get someone who can explain what’s going on and that you’re not going off the rails! I like answers to questions, I like to understand things, do therapy helps me understand and I don’t feel as crazy as anxiety would sometimes have me believe.

Social media is a good way to connect in college so I get that it would be better not to delete accounts etc, but you can still talk to old friends without asking about him. And if all you have in common with them is him, then they’re not exactly the basis for nurturing friendships going forwards, but I hasten to add, I don’t know the whole story so I’m just giving my two cents! Feel free to ignore whatever you choose!

Studies is a good focus for this week and whenever he comes to mind, perhaps use my trick, which sometimes works absolutely say ‘not now’. It might just nip the thought in the bud before it grows and you can do back to studying.

As for me, I’m trying to behave tonight as if I haven’t been in contact with him and all is as it was, we’re still split up, there’s still no change and I must recover and move on. It’s not easy, boy is it not easy, but what choice do I have?

Mind yourself.

S

Ok,

I have a confession. I texted him earlier. I succumbed as I expected I would eventually. It is what it is and I guess I knew I had to get it out of my system. It felt like a pressure boiler about to burst and I knew it would at some stage.

He has not responded, which is probably for the best. For those who have been in a similar situation, can you tell me what is the best way to manage this now? I don’t want to feel I’ve bewn set back, even though I was well aware of what I was doing when I sent the text.

Can anyone who has been in a similar situation with an ex, provide some tips to just get me back on road to recovery? Thanks

Kkasxo,

Normal. It’s all completely normal. It’s 3.5 wks since my break up with zero contact and zero hope of reconciliation and I spent hours last night debating wouldI text him. I didn’t in the end, because I was afraid. Afraid it would set me back, it’s tough enough at the moment, not to spiral further.

So my advice is, don’t do it. I know you really really really want to, but just remember, it will make you feel worse. And you feel pretty bad as it is. Do you really want to feel worse? DONT think about him with anyone else. That’s one of my triggers for panic attacks and nausea, so basically, if the thought arises, just say ‘not now’ and move on to something else.

A wedding was always going to be tough to deal with, but you’ve survived one day haven’t you? You CAN survive another one. You’re in bits, but you’re surviving. You can survive without your ex.

Victoria,

Im so sorry you had a panic attack, I know how horrible they are. For me, I get them when emotion bubbles up and needs release, like pain for example. So maybe it’s necessary to sit with the pain and upset and panic until it passes rather than reaching for the phone to get him to alleviate it. I suppose it’s about trying to self sooth in a way. Here I am giving advice I find difficult to implement myself! So do t worry, I know how hard it can be.

Dont feel bad for contacting him, you’re human and doing the best you can. Just try and get by today as best you can.

S x

Victoria,

It makes sense that you miss him. I miss my ex dearly and in fact am almost of the verge of contacting him now this very minute. After more than 3 wks of no contact. But I probably won’t. I do this regularly, think of a good time to make contact etc but when push comes to shove, I back down and don’t do it.

I’m not sure how I will feel in the future, I can’t predict it I guess, but I somehow feel I’m always going to lament the loss of this relationship even if it isn’t as raw anymore.

Thank you for the hugs. I particularly miss those from him! As for the internet, very little holds my interest at the moment, except maybe an Instagram account about cleaning your house!

Victoria,

Regarding his family, I understand the sense of responsibility you feel. My ex’s mum was like a mum to me too and I miss them all. However, neither he or his family are your concern now. Of course you’ll be concerned, but you have made the decision that’s best for everyone and now, it’s best to step away and let them support him.

At the end of the day, my ex is a lovely guy and my family thought the world of him, but if he approached them now to explain, I think they’d knock his head off. Just because their sister/daughter is in pain because of him. So I feel it’s best to leave them be now.

I wish I could find joy in things like strolling through charity shops, nothing gives me joy at the moment. Music was my passion but I can’t go near it at the moment.

You’re absolutely right about this forum. The internet can be a tough place nowadays, but this forum is a breath of fresh air and really has kept me going through this trying time. I feel that when people experience pain in somewhat similar ways, it creates an understanding that you might not get with others who can’t empathise.