Good for you. I think it’s panic mode he’s in at the moment, as you are now cutting him off in a way. So he’s desperately clinging to what he thinks he’ll lose with no real plan about how to try and make it work. It’s just hold on at all costs rather than face the pain, so it’s not the best way to approach it. Hang in there if you can and hopefully you’ll be happier in the end.

My ex and I were a significant period of time apart during our last break up with absolute zero contact and yet, we still managed to get back together that time, so I wouldn’t worry about it being too late. Besides, if he’s over it in a couple of weeks, that doesn’t show much for his commitment after all.

S

Kkasxo,

I completely get what you’re saying. You’re right, what would need to happen would be fundamental change and growth and that does NOT happen in a couple of days, it takes time and work. Usually by oneself, so you are smart, you are saving yourself the rollercoaster again this time that could see you split again soon in the near future.

As I said, if he really wants to make it work, let him do the work and come back to you in a good stable place. Anything else is unfair. I’m with you in your heartbreak, I’ve had so many stabs this morning already but I’ve come up with phrase. When I get a stab of pain or a reminder I say, Ok Shelby, that’s painful and sad, but it won’t be like this forever. In the future, such a reminder won’t hurt as bad. Would you believe, it’s actually kind of helping. I think humans are resilient and if you can believe in a time where you might not suffer as badly, we can nearly will ourselves to keep going until that point.

I’m sorry we don’t get the happiness we want. It’s not fair. It just isn’t but a friend told me this morning about a personal tragedy for her and I realise everyone hurts, in life, in various ways. Some people don’t experience heartbreak, lucky them, but many do. So I guess we’ll survive. Today is nearly over, don’t worry!!!!1 You’re getting there!

Kkasxo,

I’m the same! I want to know exactly how long! Therapist says I can’t have a date and time, it doesn’t work that way, it just fades and becomes easier to live with. Humans have the capacity to process grief and move on otherwise the species would have died out as everyone would have died of broken hearts.

So that’s the logic. But there is no logic this morning with my anxiety. I woke and spent past hour with an upside down tummy writhing away.  I think my ex had a brief cameo in one of my dreams but it certainly wasn’t a night filled with dreams about him so I can’t figure out why I take such a hit with anxiety in the middle of the night, towards early morning.

I know ‘this too shall pass’ but honestly it’s tough to deal with. What’s causing it? Why do I have it on top of the heartbreak? It’s most definitely at this time of day I have the biggest need to contact my ex. I would never, cos it would be pointless as he’s sleeping and also probable display me in a desperate manner, but it’s the worst feeling. I’m tired of dealing with it. It’s not easy.

Grief is tough and yes it’s like a death. Except a few differences. Death brings its own acceptance in a way. There is no additional agony of considering undoing it. Also, if someone dies, they might have loved you to the end & didn’t want to go, rather than choose to leave you and continue on existing & living not a million miles away from you. It’s painful.

I hope your evening turned out ok, I went to be relatively early to get as much sleep as I could over the course of the night. I’m really really sad this morning and the anxiety is beating me up.

Kkasxo,

You just had a weekend from hell (in a way, no disrespect to your bride) and you survived. You are functioning albeit with no happiness or joy.

The biggest thing with anxiety is that we have to be kind to ourselves. Supposed to treat ourselves like a really good friend we care about. The misery is horrendous, but remember you actually were coping for a good few days there with no contact. You just had a bump on the road with everything over the weekend. Totally understandable to be in the depths of misery today.

Its horrendous but I think I was coping better before I contacted him. Now it wasn’t dramatic or anything, a simple inquiry into how he is and a similar response and that was it, and it has thrown me a little I think. I feel I’ve opened a gateway I was in the process of closing.

If im honest, I’m not in the depth I was in when the split happened so loath though I am to admit it, that indicates progress. Now I’ll still argue I’m a mess and broken and will never heal, but maybe time is kinda doing it without my help even. If I do the bare minimum, it does the rest.

Now the question then becomes, do I really WANT to move away from this part of my life and that’s a different story.

Today was shit, write it off. Do anything you can think of to help with anxiety, breathing and writing down your thoughts. Meditation- guided.

Watch some Netflix and tomorrow is another day, it might be better, marginally, it might be the same as today. But you’re still alive, you survived today didn’t you, so you can survive tomorrow. Tell yourself that, even if you don’t believe it, the brain can’t differentiate between true or false things you tell it, it just needs repetition.

As for me, I’m pretty sure he won’t come back. He’s too scared. His life is simpler on his own, as he says himself, he only has to worry about himself then rather than worrying about anything ever happening to me. 🙁

Also- this lady has been putting me to sleep every night:

Check this out on Insight Timer!
http://insig.ht/gm_21563

@kkasxo,

That’s so true. I have often thought I could be happy with just what was on offer and to be honest, I would try but your innate wants and desires don’t stay buried, they eventually seep out. I guess that’s what happened with us, I tried to be patient for years but it seeped out many times and the pressure he felt was making him unhappy too. My therapist pointed out that if I wasn’t the age I am, I would have given him longer. He may still not have changed and grown by if I was in my 20s, I’d have time to give him, however naive it may have been.

I find if I think about it, the withdrawal gets worse, if I think about those kind caring little things. The only thing I can do now is to say each time such a thought creeps in, ‘you’re doing ok and you will be fine in the future, you’re getting there’. It softens the urge, however minimally. So thinking about him is a no no. It doesn’t help. We have to try and realise that THIS is our life now, the one we had is gone. Eek…I can’t even type that without it stinging and a certain amount of disbelief.

We can’t help how we feel and I guess they can’t help how they feel. So it’s ridiculously unfair but it’s life I guess. I want to avoid this pain, but if I don’t go through it, I’ll end up with pain worse than this down the road I suspect.

S

I have not been sleeping well and this morning have the urge to contact him again. It’s annoying because I was doing well for 3 weeks. The guy does not want to be in contact and seems to have nothing further to say, so what wrong with me.

I know in a way it’s normal in a break up, but you’d think I’d have more common sense. I guess that doesn’t come into it when the heart is involved.

Why do I want to talk to him? I don’t think it will achieve anything. I just my connection to him. Plus it could really set me back in terms of the process if he completely ignores it or just says no, it’s not a good idea.

I rememer I told him once that I had to cut off contact with a guy completely before when he developed feelings for me because I didn’t feel the same. He wanted to remain friends, which I tried for a bit but I could see he still held a little hope sofor his sake I cut contact. That guy later moved on and got engaged. I have a feeling my ex remembers that story too.

S

Victoria,

Do you think the email will help or is it another way of staying connected to your ex? You say you bought a calendar for him, just in case. It seems you are not ready to let him go and I think it’s important for you and for him, to have clarity. I’m gutted I don’t hear from my ex and I know it’s not wishful thinking to think the split has impacted him too, but at least the zero contact from him has left me under no illusion that his decision has been made.

I am still devastated and I miss him incredibly but it’s not got confusing or messy which i supoose I’m grateful for. I don’t think your ex needs to know why as such, if it’s over from your point of view, then maybe leave him be. He’ll figure out a way to get through it himself. I don’t doubt you can’t stop thinking about him too but unless you plan to reunite and get back together properly, it’s just torture in a way. Your biggest priority is yourself right now. You deserve to feel happiness and you deserve not to have panic attacks or anxiety.

I hope to manage to figure out what you need to.

S x

Kkasxo,

Tell me about it! I have resigned myself to the fact that I’ll never travel anywhere again or go on hols cos it was so much better and easier with my ex. I hate doing stuff by myself because it was fun with my ex. You are emotionally and physically exhausted from the weekend too and guess what…you survived. Surviving is an achievement.

I have been through a few other dramatic things apart from my relationship over the past couple of weeks and the number of times I automatically went to pick up the phone to call my ex to vent or seek comfort like I used to do was frequent! Reflex I guess.

I went for a long walk with a close guy friend this eve and he is really great to be around, sensitive and calm. He and everyone is adamant I’ll feel better and happier in time, I really can’t see how EVERYBODY could be wrong. How do we believe them? Dya think in 8 months time we’ll still be posting on this thread the same things?

I dunno, maybe not.

I don’t think you can upload pics, just links maybe.