Hi all,

It’s almost 2am and it feels like the only time I can get the opportunity to post.

Lucie, there is a lot going on for you. I don’t know if I can help at all But memories have the potential to be as severe as the event/trauma itself because they reinforce the pathways in the mind that initially experienced the trauma, so one little thing I used to do was imagine the person/traumatic experience in your mind, then grey it out so the colour disappears, then move it far far away from you in your mind, until it’s barely a teeny tiny dot in the distance. I found this helped at times to take the ‘energetic charge’ out of the memory.

the panic attacks for me are usually a type of flooding. Basically I’m about to get overwhelmed with emotion I can’t handle so my body finds a way to cope- in the form of panic. I still find them hard but I keep saying ‘you’re okay, you’re okay, this will pass. It always does” and I eventually feel my heart rate slowing down and my breathing a little better.

as for the anxiety- well anyone who knows how to kick its ass, please let me know. Goes right to my tummy & is hitting high ratings lately. I confess I’m not journaling or meditating or getting out in nature at all lately, so I’m not exactly helping myself!

The medication I took for a period didn’t have any side effects for me, I didn’t feel numb & the only bit I felt was on weaning off, I just got more anxious but when I did it slowly in small decreases, I managed the little spikes in anxiety & it levelled out again.

It’s quite common and normal to still want someone. Lots of men and women feel the same. My ex broke my heart three times, caused me the most severe pain of my life & still all I wanted was him back!! Until you don’t. And I don’t know exactly when that happens, but it takes work to reframe how you view them, just adjusting that view consistently until the mind & heart start to believe it.

please use whatever support you can, even you best friend might have a lot going on but she may have other ideas of ways to help or supports you can get.

Nothing lasts forever. Remember that in those moments of anguish. X

@kkasxo – are you there? Things have been tumultuous to say the least lately.
my new job is tough, I feel ill equipped for it and it has completely taken away my life balance. The hours are insane (which I didn’t sign up for) and it’s leaving me with no free time to even get in a walk. I feel lost in the job, resentful of the hours and lonely in the city, when I just want to be back home.
my appointment to this company was quite high profile so there is no option to retreat, literally it would look terrible, reflect poorly on me for future opportunities etc, so I feel trapped.

My anxiety is kicking my ass too. I’m seeing one of the two guys I had been dating and as time goes on my feelings for him are growing. However, he has pulled back a bit from the initial period. The move to a new city has definitely made him think and made it harder for us. I was the one initially telling him to take it slow because he was so forward and expressive and funny! But now I have caught feelings and he is more vague and less keen (it would seem to me). And once again I feel like a guy loves to chase me but once he gets me, realises….’oh she wasn’t that great to begin with’. Hello self critic!!!
I’ve tried talking to him about it but I know he’s not as deep as me and he just gets bogged down in all the ‘serious talk’ and says I may have a tendency to over complicate things. I’m so frustrated that I’m getting so anxious about losing him now when I was so cool and chilled at the start. I thought I had done so much work on myself over the years and yet when it comes down to it, here I am, still praying a guy will make me feel better and safe and loved. And if he doesn’t I get needy and anxious. I don’t know what to do. I’m trying not to be this way, but then am I just not being my real self. And if I’m my real neurotic self, will that ever be loveable to any man?! Am I too deep and head wrecking for any relationship? I feel like I’m drowning at the moment.

michelle, it’s so so frustrating and heartbreaking that Covid has changed your life plan. But it has. It changed my life plan with regard to career and I’m still pissed off about that but I can’t control or change it.
from a very outsider point of view, which of course you can ignore, I think it is better now to cut contact. Otherwise both of you will get hurt. It will create pain. If you are meant to be together one day (which may very well be the case) then your lives will touch again, no contact will not harm what is meant to work out eventually. I could only start to heal when I ended all contact and hope with my ex.

Sammy and tim- I hope you are doing well. Sorry I don’t get to reply to every post, time is at a premium in my life at the mo- and not in any kind of good way. Sammy keep up the exercise and the daily goals – set in stone that are no. Negotiable and see if that helps x

Lucie….

I’m not sure if I always had anxiety to be honest. Because before my breakup/breakdown with the ex, it was never really something I thought about or had a vocabulary around. Perhaps when I was younger and got ‘scared’ about things, that was anxiety but I didn’t label it as that at the time.

Yes I went on anti-anxiety tablets for a period of time, they weren’t strong dosage and didn’t numb me or even make me feel like sunshine and roses, but what they did do for me was give me that one per cent I needed to come out of the fog of doom I was in, they allowed me to see the wood for the trees. When I got that little hook back in to reality, I was able to use other resources and supports then to get myself back on track and thankfully have been off any medication for quite a while now.

I wouldn’t have a huge knowledge of PTSD, even though sometimes I have lingering trauma relating to things that happened me many years ago, but @kkasxo has given you some guidance on this I think. There are a couple of US based accounts that do free workshops such as catapult coaching and jrni coaching. Also my GP recommended a service that ran 6-week counselling on a pay what you can afford basis, as little as 5$ pounds if that’s all I could pay etc. I find Brene Browne interesting also and Dr. Joe Dispenza, they have so many youtube videos and talks.

I had a panic attack in my therapists office earlier this week, so I’m by no means ‘on top’ of this crap, but when it happened on Monday, I knew exactly what it was, it did not feel great obviously, but I was aware it would pass and I’d be okay. So I’ve just learned that through practice over the years. I hope this helps in even the tiniest way x

Sammy,

You can post here for as long as you like, you definitely don’t need my permission and Tiny Buddha is a sanctuary for so many people and should continue to be for anyone who feels lost and is reaching out.

I suppose I’m hesitant to say too much about my own circumstances now because of some of the posts I have read from people who are really waiting to hear that I’m living happily ever after! Trust me, I get it…people on this thread can attest to the number of times I wrote….WHEN will i feel better?!!! WILL i ever get over it! You just want some hope and i remember that feeling all too well.

But here it is. Im a work in progress. I am NOT where I was two years ago when I first began posting here and I’m NOT where I was last May/June when the ex finished it for the last time. So in that sense…..everyone who said it is correct….’this too shall pass’. But I’m acutely aware that no matter who said that to me at the time, it didn’t touch my heart, it just didn’t sink in, so you don’t have to believe me now. But one day in the future, you will look back and have an ‘Aha’ moment and realise that these dark moments you’re in now, have indeed passed. It may take time and it may take work, but life is something that by its very nature will not allow us to stay stagnant. We will be moved on one way or another.

So, I’m grateful for where I’m at now, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have anxiety. Man the anxiety kicks my ass sometimes! And it’s always in my stomach! I don’t sleep and my tummy just heaves, no matter how many meditations I do that day. But lately what I’ve been trying to do is question everything. Question myself. My anxiety, my body, my heart is telling me something and I think it’s about time I listened. So sometimes, I’ll ask myself a couple of questions and begin journalling from there.

Can I just say….you are enough Sammy. You have always been enough. I could not be told that either when my ex left me, I fundamentally saw it as a reflection of me not being good enough, not being cool enough, not being sexy enough, not being aloof enough. Hard to not think that if you have low self worth anyway, so don’t be mad at yourself for feeling that way, but just because you feel like that, it does not mean its true. Your ex was his own person, with his own life experiences and conditioning which got him to the place he was when he ended it, same as you had your own life experiences and conditioning that made you the person you are. Just because he was not able to be the person you wanted him to be, that is a separate issue to who you are. He couldn’t do it not BECAUSE of you, he couldn’t do it DESPITE you being so incredible. Ask yourself, what exactly did you have, what were you not enough at, that you failed the relationship test set by your ex? Tell me the reasons you think he decided ‘you were not good enough’.

I would suggest as a starter towards healing to drop the inner critic. I know you won’t want to. It’s habitual. She/He won’t like it…inner critics can be right biatches, they rebel when you don’t follow their usual rules. But I named mine….Martha…she’s a little pain, but I acknowledge her when she’s there. In some warped way, she was and has been trying to protect me, but I try nowadays not to be so harsh on myself. Yeah I took longer that would have been ideal to start seeing improvement, yeah I still am super emotional and sensitive, yeah i went back to my ex a THIRD time!!! But all of that was part of my journey and getting cross with myself for not being where people wanted me to be only shoved me in to a shame spiral. For me that resulted in pain, I often felt physical pain in my stomach or wherever because i was trying not to be me. Perhaps for you, it’s being channeled through alcohol. But perhaps there is a brighter way for you. A different way to help heal yourself? Tim has some sage and insightful advice which I feel is so worthwhile to you also, because he’s been through the firepit and is out the other side.

Lucie…I think it was yourself who asked about how I’m doing now….do you mean in relation to anxiety? Well if so, then I’m doing okay. Better. Let’s be honest, anxiety is not fun. It feels horrendous. It has been horrendous and as you may have read I still struggle with sleepless nights and panic attacks. The difference now I guess, is that, I’m not as frightened of it. When it first happened I honestly thought I would be committed, that it would overrun my mind and body and I’d be trapped forever in a spiral. That has changed, anxiety is frightening but I no longer think it will be the end of me. So maybe that tiny shift in my mindset has been enough to keep my from the brink recently with anxiety attacks. It might be hard, it might be scary, but it will NOT destroy me, even if it wants me to believe it will. Therapy has helped me, but honestly….I lost my job in March so wasn’t in a financial position either to see my therapist for months there during quarantine. In those instances, I reached out, mostly to my sister, who did the best she could, which was enough to help me feel less alone, I also read a lot of blogs and followed people I admire online and took part in free webinars or sessions and those things helped open up my perspective enough bit by bit to introduce some new self awareness or insight which I feel is really helping me grow. There is hope. Now.

@kkasxo

Oooffff…what do I mean by change?! Well like i mentioned to Sammy above I’m half afraid to elaborate on my story too much because I might disappoint posters here who want the happy ever after ya know?! But I guess there is hope now. That’s new! You know how I do love an old wallow session of despair heehee! But basically my job I started at the beginning of this crazy ride we’re on right now with coronoavirus, has gone. It’s not likely to return anytime soon so I’m diversifying. I picked up some freelance work in my old career field which kept me going a little throughout quarantine etc. The out of boredom I applied for a couple of jobs in the big city and am proceeding through the processes there. I hadn’t really put too much thought into those, but I got called for interviews anyway and then second interviews etc, so it’s all moving faster than I expected and I’m anxious anxious anxious because it’s a lot of change and a move away from everyone and everything I know. So I’m not sure if I’m afraid to get the job/jobs or I’m afraid not to! Change is scary.

The guy who I started and stopped something with last year is still very much in my life. He’s a really good friend. I mean…..there have been times over the past few months, where I wondered do I feel more for him, but he’s a little flaky and would let me down from time to time, so i figured her’s not the one for me. Also quarantine has a lot to answer for….people get bored and it amplifies feelings that you might not have otherwise have had. But we’re in an okay place now, being friends and hanging out as friends once in a while. The lines have been drawn and I’m good with that.

On the advice of friends and the fear that I would NEVER get over my ex, I joined a dating website/app….whatever you call it, gosh I’m so old and not used to this! Anyway, talk about the spiral of absolute hurt, betrayal, confusion and upset I went through in the past couple of months, when my ex came up as a suggestion on the dating app. Yep. So that happened. At least if a mugger every decides to karate kick me in the stomach and knock me to the ground some day, I well I’m now well-prepared for the ordeal! Needless to say, that on top of all the change regarding work etc, I was not sleeping at all. The anxiety is real.

However since then it’s settled down a bit. I’m making better progress, my therapist says he’s proud of me and was finally glad i was at long last developing some real anger towards my ex!! haha! So at the moment whats happening? Well I’m kinda seeing two guys….I know right…who even am I?!! It’s all very new and honestly, who knows…it could be a way of distracting myself, I don’t know, but for now….it is what it is! Oh there has been a situation with an older male neighbour too which has caused me extreme anguish of late and actually not feeling safe in my own home….so yeah….that’s been me! Anyone reading this can most assuredly now know that I did not leave this forum because of any posters!!! I literally had a head that was about to explode is all!

You definitely sound like you’re in a much stronger place. I don’t believe you made a mistake getting back with Mr.A. That was a a decision you needed to make at that time in your life. We make the best decisions we are capable of at any given time. I feel you were on the brink, really struggling and you saw a way of helping make it through, survival instinct kicked in and you found the route to help you survive, so well done you. You’re more resilient than you think. That decision got you to here right? Okay, as you said maybe not happiness, but in a FAR better place that you were previously, so as long as I have @kkasso to chat to because of decisions she made involving Mr. A, then I’m grateful for those decisions! The rest will come, I think we will get to the point that is out of survival mode, and once we have a bit of strength and grounded ourselves a little, then perhaps we can move to the next phase, actually figuring out what will make us happy and making decisions accordingly!

I’m grateful for you and our journey together! 🙂

Hi all,

I just saw some of the notifications in my less-used email. It’s been overwhelming. I felt my journey was better to continue within myself but I have now seen some messages where people are blaming themselves etc and I couldn’t let that train of thought continue. I think we all on this forum have enough sh1t going on that we don’t need to add a truck load of blame which is totally nonsensical to it!!! Absolutely nobody was responsible for me deciding to go away from the forum…I was just overwhelmed by a lot of what was happening in the world and in my personal world. That’s all. Just needed to get a handle on some things! So please please please, I promise, it was never to do with anyone else.

@Kkasxo…Kammy….I’m so sorry dear friend if you felt abandoned…this saddened me the most. You’re a special person and the very first day I posted here a couple of years ago and you replied, I remember I wasn’t eating, sleeping, going outdoors and I would live for your responses at that time, because they made me feel less afraid, less alone. You kept me from the brink. So I’m sorry, I will always be here if you need me. xx

Sammy,

Do you see already how strong you are? Not long ago you were on the floor in the pits of despair, ready to take your own life over the loss. Currently you are reaching out to strangers asking how you can help them? If that’s not an absolute major shift of willpower and growth and resilience, I don’t know what is! You’re doing really well, considering what you’ve been through.

Yes you’re right, I started the thread in Oct 2018, but the process was hampered slightly I guess as I reunited with my ex for a third time in March 2019 and we split again in May 2019. Also while I still ruminate about that relationship, I can function now. my functioning ability was minimal in Oct 2018 and honestly, at the time I could not see any way out of it, but I’m glad I’m ib a better (albeit not completely out of it) position right now. I’ll consider what you said about the therapist, it has given me food for thought and might be an avenue worth considering.

I’M OUT OF SELF ISOLATION THOUGH! WOHOO!!! What this means is that I can now move freely around my home….who knew such small pleasures would mean so much! But I can do laundry again, I can cook again, I can do chores to make the day pass quicker….so this makes me happy currently. Still no results from the Covid 19 test, we have fallen somewhat behind due to a global shortage of certain elements needed in the labs to determine test results. In one way, I hope I did indeed have it, because if so, I got off pretty lightly in terms of symptoms and will also have better immunity towards it in future but most importantly, despite having it, I didn’t pass it on to my vulnerable father, which would be the biggest win of all. However, reality would tell me that it’s unlikely I had it as the virus is so contagious, it would seem miraculous to have had it and not passed it on to another person in my household.

CB, it’s an extraordinarily difficult time in your life right now and adjusting or adapting is going to take time, processing and little steps day by day. One day it won’t be as painful, keep looking forward to that day and remind yourself that one day, what you’re feeling now will have passed.

I know the PM is in ICU now with Covid, it’s strange times we’re living in across the world. But we have humans in this world that have created the most unbelievable and extraordinary things in this world, cures, technologies, so I have faith that humans, albeit caught off guard by this, will adapt and accept and figure out a way to survive. Survival is what we do, as a species.

Hang in there all . x

It’s definitely a struggle at the moment Kkasxo, but it could be worse…..and is for some people, so I’m trying to find gratitude where I can. I really feel ya regarding your family. I miss mine so much, I’m lucky to live with my Dad but I might aswell live alone right now as I’m in self isolation and can’t expose him to any risk so we steer clear of each other. I miss hugs, especially with the kids. I didn’t realise how much I needed them. The littlest ones don’t understand and keep asking why I can’t come see them when we chat on FaceTime.

I can definitely imagine how tense things can get in confined quarters with the same person day in day out. Everyone I know seems to be struggling with that right now, I think I would struggle with it too were I with my ex and we were quarantined together. I feel like this crisis is gonna make some things in our worlds clearer when we emerge, who knows.

Right now I’m trying to put up a little bit of an inflatable raft around myself at the moment so as not to let my empathy wash me out to sea, there is such collective despair, it’s hard not to…..feel.

Today I heard from you though & you’re alive and surviving – so I’m gonna put that down in my gratitude column for the day. Stay safe & hang in there x

Sammy,

Okay darlin’….slow down. You’re in the withdrawal stage. It’s okay. This is all normal. What you are feeling is normal…..and many many many of us have felt similar at different stages in our lives. You WILL be okay, but it won’t be today, or tomorrow, or Sunday even. It will be some time, but whenever you think you can’t survive the pain, remember you will. You just have to endure it for now.

Your friend has some valid points, but every single person on this earth is a product of their conditioning, their life experiences. Millions of people are content and happy in relationships that have not gone to therapy and done years of work on themselves and they feel love. Whatever that love is for them. I did love my ex…in the way I understood love, in how I saw love, from my upbringing, from my experiences, based on my insecurities etc. That was love to me. Are there lots of different types of love? Yes, because as humans, we always have the capacity to learn and to grow. So don’t diminish what you felt for your ex as nothing, as not being real, it was real for you. Now that he has left, it may teach you things about love and about the kind of love you want to give and want to receive.

I can’t see it working out with my ex. Realistically. If you stand back and look at the evidence. Not because I don’t care anymore, but the evidence is what it is. It DIDN’T work with us….THREE times. It didn’t work for a reason…or reasons. I believe everyone has the capacity to change and if two people go and work on themselves separately and grow and develop and come back together to start a brand new relationship which is totally different and are committed to various things, then maybe some reunions do work under those circumstances, but those circumstances don’t seem to be present for you or I. The men did not choose a life with us. That’s their right. We may want to be with them, but they have a right to make their own decisions. I certainly don’t want my ex to return to me just ‘cos I miss him and want a life with him. I would only want him if he wanted me, otherwise what’s the point? I hate the decision he made, but I respect his right to choose what he wants.

But it has taken me 10 months to even get to this stage…..so please understand, you are in the early stages of heartbreak. It’s all a bubble of pain and loss and anxiety right now. That’s okay. You will be okay. When you feel you can, try and push through to being sober, because yes i know it numbs, but remember it wears off…..and then that’s a low which is deeper than the low you felt before you started drinking. I’m inquisitive and I like to understand things, especially things I can’t control, it lessens my anxiety. So a couple of things I did in those initial days was read articles online, read books, listen to Ted Talks, which opened up little chinks of insight into why some people feel heartbreak in particular ways.

My support structure helped me at the time too, friends, family and this forum. I understand at the moment, we are in an incredibly restrictive situation as we can’t socially meet anyone, so try to come up with a plan to contact people incrementally on facetime or whatsapp to get you through each day. Sammy, I promise you will be okay if you just hold faith that it will get better, but for now, you need to be as strong as you can. Just strong enough to survive. If you can find little things to distract you for even ten minutes at a time, that’s lessening the pain for those ten minutes, so do it.

Anger often works for some people to move on. It’s not for me. I would rather respect people for their decisions and try to understand them than just get angry and tell myself I deserve better (when I don’t actually believe that). But I will say, you deserve to be loved the way you want to be loved. We are born deserving of being loved. Sometimes we lose that belief along the way, so let’s try and get it back eh? Deep breaths and telling yourself ‘this too shall pass’, because one day it will. The pain will just be less, you won’t notice it, it’ll creep up on you and you’ll realise you’re okay and feel that you will make it through.

@Kkasxo,

I’ve missed you! I completely feel you….I don’t know what’s going on at the moment, I feel like I’m just dreaming and soon I will wake up and tell everyone about the crazy dream where the world has been turned upside down. I realise my four walls are not my friends. They have been closing in on my for days. I have now gotten an appointment for the Covid test next Monday, but honestly I feel silly even getting it now as I don’t feel ill anymore, but nonetheless I can’t take the chance around my Dad and brother. So everytime I am about to lose my mind in self isolation, I remember who I’m doing it for and it makes it worthwhile.

Adelaide, to be honest…you’re unreal. So mature and insightful, streets and streets ahead of me. As you will have noticed from my posts over all this time, I’m nowhere near as self assured as you. You can empathise with my situation, but you recognise patterns and behaviour far easier than I and you make excellent decisions to take care of yourself. Well done, I have to say I’m so impressed and your innate resourcefulness. Yes the interaction with my ex was strange, but it meant nothing as such. It meant more in my mind than it did in reality. I have not heard from him since and I don’t expect to. I know he has continued to work as his job is one that is done solo so he has no issues with social distancing. So while I have endless hours to ruminate and fantasise and over analyse, that dude is working away, not thinking about it at all, completely oblivious. You seem like a wonderful person to have in someone’s life, so you are indeed correct, if they don’t choose you, they seem to undervalue you and then you don’t want someone who undervalues you in your circle.

Family is……tricky. Believe me I know. Last night I fell asleep crying just because of the stresses this situation has put on my family and the dynamic and healthwise and priority wise and financially speaking. It’s all just….a lot. Anxiety and fear is high so everyone’s emotions are on high alert, so all you can do is look after you for now. You have taken care of your sister and I’m sure she will be extraordinarily careful in self isolation and in two weeks, everyone will be doing the best they can. So focus on that for now.

Genie, you’re so right, this thread has kept me from spirally off the deep end with anxiety so many times. And nowadays, it looks like the most effective way to communicate with people. I hope your anxiety is settling a little and you have developed routine which is bolstering your relationship with Jay even further. I feel like time seems so much like our enemy right now, just like when i was in the midst of heartbreak, when I wanted time to speed up, so I could get out the other side, so it could be months down the road when I’d be fine…..but my therapist always said, the only way out is through.

So well gotta just try and get through the next few weeks and hopefully before we know it, it’ll be the end of April and we’ll really have started to tackle this thing head on! Stay safe all. x