Kkasxo,

Also came across this apt article:

https://www.lovemagazine.com/magazine/article/do-you-feel-lost-without-a-relationship

Kkasxo,

Maybe you’re right. But I think the therapist wasn’t wrong when he said I seem to be in denial. And that’s something I guess only I can pull myself out of. How to do that, I’m not sure. He said he will help me, so fingers crossed.

I don’t know when I became this person though. In the past, with flings etc, I’d be bruised if it didn’t work out, but I’d always fight my way back, I’d do my best to look and feel good so I could say f**k you in the end. But this time I’m dying to get back together with a guy who consistently let me down and I ended up feeling disappointed and less important that other things in his life. When did I become this woman?! I knew it wasn’t good enough during the relationship so I tentatively brought it up regularly with understanding and a vision of working through it. But when did I become the type of person who believes, that’ll do. I’ll settle for less than I deserve I guess.

However I ended up here, here is where I am. I miss him and want to talk to him, but rational head would ask, why? What’s the point, so obviously the need to contact is textbook heartbreak.

In a loving relationship, I believe people feel they are a priority to their partner, they don’t feel insecure about it, they have decided they are a team and ‘ride or die’ as it were! It’s not that it’s all sunshine and roses but there is mutual respect for each other enough to make that person and or the family they might have, their priority if it makes them happy. Is that possible for me? I’m doubtful. Where did I get this old fashioned narrow minded view that I’ll sit by the fire with a blanket lamenting my lost love until I die alone with cats and a broken heart……no clue! But there it is!

Can we survive without our exes? I guess we can, we have been. Not prettily, but nonetheless, functioning. So next, can we be happy, in time, without our exes? Literally everyone single person who advises me believes so, so they can’t ALL be wrong can they?!

Bell,

Thank you for posting. I’m sorry to hear you went through a tough time, but glad you made it to the other side. I hope one day I won’t feel as sad and lost. But I’m fearful it will take me a long long time.

Kkasxo,

I don’t think there should be any issue with you taking your time, you’re not deciding on a new dress or a holiday. You’re considering your happiness, your heart and your emotional well-being. It’s a lot. Genuinely if a man believes ye are right together and can be happy, time won’t make a difference. He’ll wait for as long as it takes, apparently that’s what real commitment is.

Have faith in yourself whatever decision you make. It’s something I struggle with so trust me, I know that ain’t easy at times.

My brother had a sort of stern talk with me this eve. Earlier this year, he separated from his partner of 15 years and they have one child. He is a little oblivious to anxiety etc but he told me to stop ‘letting’ myself feel this way. He was glad I’m doing things to pass the time but says that’s pointless without setting my mind the task of getting over it. He said having strength of mind takes determination but mind over matter in a way and anything is possible if you set your mind to it.

Now I was at pains to explain to him how it’s not that simple and psychology and the mind is so complex etc but in a way, I see what he was trying to get at. He said I’m never going to get out of the hole if I don’t start seeing myself as better off now and start seeing more opportunities in the future.

I don’t know, we’ll see. But it is true that affirmations repeated create a reinforced neural pathway in the brain, so maybe if I keep telling myself I’m getting through this and I’ll feel better soon and I’m better off, it will sink in. I don’t think you can think your way out of all the pain, but maybe I need to set my mind to WANT to get over him. Because I have no choice. He joked that I seen to think I do. But he reminded me that the guy couldn’t give me any more and that was after a second attempt. A third attempt is hardly going to work. The harshness but I know he was being cruel to be kind and just wants me to feel better.

Kkasxo,

I just wasn’t able for it last night, and felt dreadful again this morning. But therapist said yesterday it appears I’m in denial and that’s torturing myself in a way. It’s a case of trying to accept things the way they really are, even though I don’t want to. So what choice do I have?

You have a decision to make, but will you be happy to make that decision and move on, not dwell for hours agonising if you made the right decision. Do you need to try it again to make sure? As they say, people like to make sure something is fully dead before they bury it. It might work, which would be great, but it might not. And if it doesn’t, can you cope with that? You are a survivor so sometimes you just have to believe you’ll survive no matter the outcome.

At the end of the day, you have to make a decision that you feel offers the best opportunity for you to be happy in life. Whatever that may be.

Kkasxo,

Dont worry, you’re in the area for a reason and it’s not him. Continue your plans and you will be so proud of yourself once you’ve had a good night with old friends!

I would love to believe he doesn’t think it’s set in stone, but alas, that’s not the reason, he’s just private, he’ll never tell anyone and few months down the road someone might just casually mention me and he will shrug it off and won’t elaborate, that’s just him. He’s made a decision so he’ll stick to it.

I do think you need time. He won’t be long gone, if he believes your the one for him….doesn’t that seem more correct to say. If he would be gone, then he’s not as committed as he thinks.

You should go enjoy tonight as long as the alcohol and close proximity to him don’t cause any complications! 😉 At the end of the day, do you feel your best chance for a fulfilled and happy life is with this man. That’s what it comes down to I guess.

Youre braver than I, Im barely managing dinner with my sisters tonight. Eek. But has to be done I guess.

@Kkasxo,

I used to think I got on really well with his sister, we had common ground. But then at a family event recently, I thought I saw another side to her and I wasn’t as sure. Anyway, I’m cautious, I don’t feel its my place or job to inform members of his family. It’s very awkward now. I’ll have to have a think about it.

Kkasxo,

I wouldn’t mind if it genuinely did take time, but because I’m feeling worse, I’m getting scared of going back to a catatonic state or becoming a crazy cat lady that little children are afraid of! I joke, but not really!

Ok, so here’s the psychology I was given. My ex couldn’t give me more because it was not his to give. Circumstances in his life and the way he has made his way through life thus far have created the human he is today. I too believed that one day he would see the light and realise he needs to move on or he will be alone and regret it. But genuinely the world is full of men, who never ever come to that realisation. He wasn’t able. He tried, but something inside him stopped him and would always stop him, be it his inability to let go of the apron strings of his own family, his aversion to letting anyone hurt him, or whatever, that’s WHO he is. Yes people can change, but it takes A LOT of work and they have to realise they NEED to and then WANT to. I thought I was nearly at a point where my ex had said he would work on it and figure out the answers but he must have got freaked or something and bailed at the last minute, deciding he was ‘better off’ (easier and less frightening imo) on his own.

It takes work, usually with a professional to deconstruct behavioural patterns that hinder growth and fulfillment. I’ve been in therapy for quite some time now and I realise I have grown and gotten rid of some belief systems that were holding me back, but it took time and work. So my ex wasn’t willing to do that and in the end went so far as to go back on what he had earlier admitted and said that there was nothing actually wrong with him. I never thought there was anything ‘wrong’ with him, just things he needed to work on. That’s where the regret then steps in. Humans have remained at the top of the food chain for thousands of years because of our innate need to mate and create new life. It’s natural instinct. That comes out at some point in our life, if not now, later. So he may get to the end of his life and realise he didn’t live it fully. He may get to 50 and realise it and then perhaps go about seeking someone else to help him fulfill it, neither of which serves me right now.

I floated the idea of not getting what I want with my ex and settling for what is on offer with my therapist. He said that I DID try and ‘settle for what was on offer’ for almost 2 years after re-uniting the second time. He feels, it’s unlikely the relationship could be restored but even if it could, he suspects it would ultimately lead to mild to moderate depression down the road for me as I would have not actively sought what I ultimately need.

I don’t know if all that mumbo jumbo makes any sense, but I respect my therapist and his sensitivity and expertise and I just said I’d pass it on!