I am meeting a friend tomorrow morning to go to the amusements! I’m not remotely excited but at least it will pass a few hours. Then I have to find something to occupy Sunday and what’s worse I have Monday off too – urgh.

I find lately trying to distract myself with stuff doesn’t work that great, but if I do something to help other friends or family who are in need at the moment, that’s the best way to spend my distraction time.

I can’t wait for Halloween to be over and Xmas for that matter too. And my birthday in December…and what would have been our anniversary in January…..they just keep coming!

I know, wouldn’t it be funny if we became a right little Bridget Jones group watching cheesy films and drinking wine and eating everything that’s bad for us, trying to right the world’s wrongs! I doubt we’re too near though, I’m not even based in the U.K 🙁

Morning,

Like clockwork, waking at 4-5am feeling horrendous. It’s the most time of day I want to call/Text him but it’s the most inappropriate time of Day to contact anyone, so I don’t.

He could think I’m completely desperate or he could get ignore it. These are the thoughts that run through my brain right now. I miss him most now.

Sorry for the lamenting post, it’s just hard.

Ah Kkasxo, the lifelong pursuit of certainty! You can join my treasure hunt troop. An argument my therapist and I have a lot is that he says I can be happy again and more fulfilled with a new partner, I debate that he can’t say that for certain. He says we can only be sure of death and taxes!

You’re young, you might take some time for yourself for a while but I think you could meet someone if you wanted. I acknowledge I’m not ‘old’ but for me, like I mentioned in previous early posts, he was it for me. I couldn’t imagine anyone better (still, even with his commitment phobia) so I can’t see myself healing, meeting the man of my dreams & having a family in the next 3-4 years! I reckon I’ll still be mourning the loss of this particular fool!

I’m ok tonight- always a worry- because it tends to usually be denial or related to a plan to re-unite but hey, I’m rolling with it at the moment.

I just renewed my car insurance and actually shopped around & got a good deal but then it stung when the guy on phone asked did I still want my ex on my insurance plan- I had forgotten he was on it. I said no and it INCREASED my premium. Fml!!!!

I hope the pampering session is making you feel better! Just this eve, I put in my phone a reminder for October 25th next year to post on this forum and see how I’m doing then!!!

I think that’s normal. I’m much the same, every self help, psyche blog/book I can read. I think it’s a need to understand or control in a world where everything has turned on its head.

Im with you this eve feeling like crap, there is nothing I want to do more than contact him. Well actually I’m dying to but too afraid to. So it’s a constant conflict. I think it’s normal though.

I’m trying not to berate myself these days for feeling how I’m feeling. It’s a balance though, because I need to heal too and I can’t do that if I’m stoll holding on, so I need to be careful. But it’s 5 weeks today so I’m not gonna stress too much yet that I’m stuck.

How are you faring this evening? If you lived where I lived I’d invite you round with Netflix and throw ourselves a pity party! But I don’t think we’re doing too bad a job on here- an online girl crew! And the odd guy poster too sorry!

Kkasxo,

Im feeling a little better thanks. It’s terrible but the idea of being out of action and not able to work filled me with dread- not cos I love my workplace, but just because days off are horrendous for me. That in itself says something I suppose- although I don’t know what.

I will try to work on my self love but I also think, 5 weeks ago today the love of my life left me. I’m still in love with him, I built my world around our relationships and I’m truly heartbroken and lost. And sometimes there is just no escaping that. I’m broken hearted and it’s not mending any time soon. So here is where I am.

A day will come I think when I says, ok now dear one, it’s time to let go of the pain. Time to make yourself happy again. But I’m not there, I’m just not. I’m still in the phase of trying to figure out how to reconcile, that this might all be a bad dream and I can go back to the way things ‘should be’. I feel foolish for that sometimes, but that’s who I am. Yes I should said it’s his loss and he couldn’t make me happy and I’m better off, but I’m not there. I need to be where I am.

Kkasxo,

Be where you are. Even if it’s a terrible place, there are no secret exits. You are torn and miserable and heartbroken and conflicted. That’s your position right now- say ok. That’s where I am. I’ll keep working through this and make decisions I feel are best when I can and just do my best.

My best might not be good enough to a headstrong confident independent woman who would scoff at any man who couldn’t see her worth, but it’s MY best for the type of person I am.

Sending sister support today to you all x

Kkasxo,

Thats a fantastic idea. I too am getting my eyebrows done in salon after work, I’m hoping it will help me feel better when I look at myself in the mirror! I know it has to come from the inside, but whatever helps with that journey!

You girls are my lifeline too. Honestly if I was going through all this alone, I would feel like the biggest weirdo ever- not getting over an ex who has chosen not to be with me!

I have never met ye, but I already feel like ye are friends!

I still feel like contact, but what I’m going to do is 48hours of affirmations that I’m better off now and I’ll be ok and see how I get on.

Another work meeting keeping me somewhat distracted this morning!

Ladies,

ye are going through hell. There is no doubt and my heart goes out to ye. I’m in the same boat painwise.

kkasxo, one thing I’ll say is that I know you want HIM to take control, but that’s not the hand you’ve been dealt, fortunately or unfortunately. Even if he made the decision- like my ex- it’s no easier. I’m finding it incredibly difficult to accept. There weee no harsh words, no big argument, just ended and apologised, it’s heartbreaking.

Your ex is not behaving how you want him to behave….will this continue. If he’s not doing it now, will he ever? You had a loving long relationship where your lives were wrapped up together, of course ending that is like pulling your heart out one fish hook at a time.

Pay attention to how hard you are being on yourself. I’ve even named my critical self….when she pops up, I say ‘oh hello martha’…come to pay a visit. Therapy suggestion. But you’re human and in love and dealing with immense loss, your reactions are normal. No-one has the might of Thor all the time.

Once you make a decision though, if you feel it’s right, stick to it. Through hard days and loneliness and withdrawal, stick to it. You WILL get out the other side. I’m not convinced for myself, but I do think YOU will.

Victoria,

It sounds like your ex can’t give you what you need and maybe it’s a case you do need to work on you. Cliche as it sounds!

Anxiety and not getting the reaction we want could be more to do with us than them. It makes sense that a healthy relationship and one that is successful is one where partners are not waiting on the words an actions of their partner to make them feel better. But believe me, I get it! I still want back with my ex despite everything that has happened. We are only human.

Working on ourselves is not easy. It’s not all hair salon appointments and yoga and warm baths. It’s graft. Really growing and working in ourselves is tough, it’s scary, it can be painful at times and especially at times like now- you can’t see the benefit of it. I have worked on myself for two years and while I still don’t love who I am, if I stand back and look at it from emotional/psyche point of view, it was the right thing to do. I’m a better person for it, even if I don’t feel that way at the moment.

I wonder how many posters on Tiny Buddha came online to discuss heartbreak etc and then posted months later after reconciling with their exes and all is well in the world. Not too many I’m guessing.

YOU ARE ENOUGH Victoria. Everyone has issues. Everyone. If you’re willing to work on them, great and maybe a man who is understanding will be by your side as you do. But you deserve good girlfriends too. The world is not a bad place, there are some lovely people out there if we just give it a chance.

My tummy is upside this morning and I’m feeling anxious. I feel like I’m going to contact my ex- despite all the evidence of how much worse it makes things- so Kkasxo, look at me- I have no sense at all! Where is the person to come along and shake me too!

We’re in this together

S x