Kkasxo,

I know you want to forgive so you can feel better, and I do believe one day you will get there. I think forgiveness comes at the end of a process though. I think you may have to go through at the pain, anger, denial and acceptance before you can get to a space of forgiveness and that may take some time.

Nobody wants the pain phase, including me….but I don ‘t think we can bypass it. We’ve been hurt, like our leg is broken….we’d love to be 6 weeks down the road when the cast has healed the break and you can walk on the leg again, but unfortunately that doesn’t happen overnight and you have to treat the break first.

The pain may buckle you like last night, but you’re still breathing. You’re still breathing. And every time you think you can’t take the pain, you listen to that tiny tiny voice deep down or remember my voice in your head and hear it say….I’m in agony, I can’t bare this but it won’t last. It’s going to pass, at some point, it will pass.

When I had my dark moment 10 days ago, I called my sister and she told me that I have to pull myself out of it, that everyone is there to support me, but I have to use my own two feet. You can do it. I know you can based on our correspondence over the past while.

What happened to you is not fair, it’s not right and it’s hurt you more than anything in your life before. BUT YOU WILL RECOVER. I promise you that. It takes time and a bit of work, but if everyone who suffered such trauma was crippled by it and couldn’t get over it, the human race would soon die out. We have the innate capacity to heal, that’s an inexplicable gift.

I know the LAST thing in the world you want to do is go to the gym this evening, but do you want to try it? Work out some of the anger? If you do it, I’ll commit to going to the swimming pool! We can update each other later.

You’re stronger that you think Kkasxo/Kammy, if you weren’t, you wouldn’t be still standing, you wouldn’t be 5 months down the road still holding down a job and functioning. Sending only the best of vibes to you today.

Having difficulty this evening believing that my life might one day be better than it is now.

As in previous posts I have acknowledged that the anti-anxiety medication has definitely reduced the intensity of the pain, I’m still so sad and lost and miss my ex.

Does this feeling ever go away?

Kkasxo,

Its true, you are in immense pain. You have suffered a major trauma, so the pain that follows is natural and normal. It doesn’t feel good, but remember it is a natural process. If what happened to you happened and you merely shrugged your shoulders in the aftermath, then that would be a little unnatural.

When someone suffers such a massive trauma, the best way to navigate through it in my opinion is therapy. A trained professional who has experience of what is going on in our heads and can help us deal with the pain. It has to be worked through to heal. In my therapy session one day, I came close to feeling the true depth of my pain and I nearly had to kneel on the floor in the foetal position as it buckled me, but my therapist helped me through and apparently once you feel one particular wave of pain and let it flow through you, you don’t have to deal with that one again.

I don’t know if you have any interest in visiting your GP if you feel the pain is too much to deal with all in one go, could they offer advice. As I said I’m not a fan of medication but there are points in life sometimes when we need an extra helping hand to deal with what we need to deal with. And as my doctor said to me, it’s just an aid to get me out of the dark hole to at least try to make sense of everything that’s going on.

Can you talk to family or friends also about how low you feel and how traumatised you are after the events of the summer? And remember, you always have us here on Tiny Buddha.

I truly empathise, I really do. The pain can be all consuming and you feel your life as you know it or knew it is gone. We’re in this together.

Kkasxo,

I don’t think there is anything wrong with blocking out the complete extent of it until you are ready to deal with it. It’s called coping. By whatever means necessary. I would be scared too. Hopefully with professional help, they will help you look at things without feeling scared.

Trauma takes time and a bit of work to heal from, but you want to feel better, you want to heal, so isn’t that the first step on that road? I think so.

So, the medication has definitely helped with the withdrawal and the drop in serotonin since the breakup. But…..I still don’t feel great. In fact, I wonder if this is any better. I’m glad not to get the sword cutting into my ribs at the mere vague reminder of anything to do with him, but I feel really low. I’m really unhappy. That’s the simplest way to describe it. My life feels empty and hollow. I spent the day with my large family today and I did my best, but I’m so sad and lost without my ex, it nearly hurts more to see them all happy families.

I couldn’t sustain the level of pain I was in to be honest, so I accept I needed that help temporarily but I do still very much miss my ex. But I know I won’t contact him again. Not that I wouldn’t love to but there is literally no point. He’s moving on and I feel I would just come across as weak or desperate. I still think about him every minute of every day almost, but I’m trusting people who tell me it won’t always be like this. For now anyway! If I’m 6 months time, there is zero improvement, I’ll have some choice words for everyone!

I want a better life than the one I’m living now. I need to find out how. I hope you can too. x

Kkasxo,

It sounds like you are in an impossible situation. I can’t begin to understand what you’ve been through but it seems like it has traumatised you.

Do you think you can mend one day? Do you need him to do that? I’m sorry, these are probably all questions which are constantly swimming in your head.

I think it just takes time. I reckon I won’t be healed until I no longer want or need to get back with my ex and that I look at the situation for what it is/was, rather than what I wanted it to be. I’m not there yet, I try to be mad, I try to say it’s his loss, but I’m not there yet. This is where I am. So perhaps in time that will change. And maybe in time you will start reclaiming little piece by little piece…

Kkasxo,

It horrible to feel like that. It’s interminable. You were angry for a while and I think that’s a catalyst to move on. It’s something I can’t muster just yet. Are you ready to let go of the pain? To just let it go? Because it will mean letting go of your ex? I think that’s the difficult thing. I don’t want the pain but a tiny part of me is not ready to give up on an epiphany on his part, and while I have unconscious hope, I’m going to have pain. According to therapist anyway.

I hear ya when it comes to company, I need to be around people, but it’s exhausting. I don’t have the energy for it but at the same time I need to pass the time, so it’s like a catch 22.

I don’t know what phase I’m in this evening, denial or rational (due to medication), but I welcome the reprieve. Don’t get me wrong I still feel pretty low but it’s not as sharp.

What do you want to do really deep down? Do you want to be with him, like always, but your mind is telling you it can’t work now?

Kkasxo,

Sorry for delay, I’m not being notified about replies so I’m only catching up now.

I hear you. I really do. It’s like the rug has been pulled out from underneath you. I felt too as if I was on course to the happy life I wanted and now I feel I’m back at square one. It’s difficult – a hard pill to swallow. I’m sorry you feel like you can’t trust anyone now. I think that’s a natural reaction though but it doesn’t necessarily last. In two years time, you might be a little more guarded but if you are able to work through your feelings now, I still think you will have the capacity to do so. The human spirit is unfathomable and I’m trying to believe what everyone says, that we will heal in spite of ourselves, it’s just the law of nature in a way.

I began taking anti-anxiety medication (low dose) a couple of years ago during our first split. In the past week, I’ve gone back to taking that dose. I don’t intend to stay on and my therapist is confident I won’t have to. But ye could see from my posts, the pain was overwhelming me, I felt it was kicking the s*^t out of me and I felt I couldn’t survive without that person in my life. So, I just felt, if this helps me out of the ‘fog’ a little, then I will be able to get a grip on things again. I do feel it’s working. Don’t get me wrong, I still have anxiety and I’m still absolutely broken -hearted, but it sort of has brought me back from the brink of having absolutely no perspective or way of coping.

I’ll be honest, I’m not a fan of medication and while I absolutely accept it helps so many people, I wanted to feel like I could cope on my own. But now I feel, if I hurt a part of my body and was laid up for a couple of weeks or months, I’d take the necessary medication, so I’m not going to beat myself up for taking medication to help me short term get over the emotional pain.

I will say, it’s been just over 6 weeks since the break and I miss him massively. But the fact I haven’t seen him means the memories of what it was like to be with him are fading somewhat. Okay, I’ve had contact, but the immediate withdrawal pain is getting a little fuzzier because I can’t remember vividly anymore when the last time he held my hand was etc. So I get the reason for the no contact rule, it’s to allow your brain go through withdrawal and lessen the craving because the memory starts to fade.

I’m trying to keep myself busy this weekend. Helping my friend mind her child and babysitting my sisters kids and hopefully get some exercise in too. I don’t feel like anything, I feel sad. But the time will pass anyway and I’m trying to figure out at the end of each day will I feel minimally better having done stuff all day, or sitting around thinking negatively and spiralling on my own. So I’m choosing the former.

Have you any plans this weekend? I know you don’t know me, but I’m known as a very trustworthy person. I hope you feel you can say anything in this space and there would never be anything but support and empathy. This is a vault!

Sending you all warmth today.

Hi all,

Sorry I’m just chiming in now. Things have been tough but I spent today with my sister and kids and that distracted me for another day at least.

Victoria,

If you feel you want to give it another shot, then go for the weekend. Advice given to me was ‘if you want to bury something, make sure it’s damn well dead before you do’! It seems as though you want to work on yourself though too. Our caregivers – parents or guardians- have the biggest influence in our lives. Sometimes they don’t get it right, or are not as sensitive or loving as they should be and we can end up with complexes or feelings that we might otherwise not have had. That’s why it’s important as adults we work through our issues, with the help of a professional, so the impact of our upbringing doesn’t hinder us in our future. I think all of us just want to be happy.

Azu, well done on not contacting him. It’s torture at times, but each time you resist, you’re one step closer to feeling better, I promise you.

Kkasxo,

Im here! I had a really blue morning, and trust me when I say I completely empathise with you and what you feel at times during your dark spiral. I too can feel like that sometimes. It’s not easy for you to have your ex constantly contacting you and I think it’s just like picking at a scab that’s trying to heal- sorry for the graphic description but I couldn’t think of a better analogy! If all of our situations were black and white, we would all feel better soon. We’d all be on the road to recovery. They are not good enough, at the end of the day. But love changes things, it’s makes excuses, it pulls the heart strings and love is a powerful drug. So I don’t believe any of us should be hard on ourselves for not being able to figure everything out all at once.

I dreamt all night of him and his family and when I woke at the ‘witching hour’ as I know call it, of 5am, I was low. I think it was anxiety but it could have been pain. I feel I won’t survive without this person by my side. I can’t imagine living a life without them.

But I don’t want to be bound by that fear any more. What we’re going through at the moment is no way to live a life. It HAS to be better than this. I just want to be happy. I hope and wish each day that I’m getting closer to one day feeling okay, it may get worse first but I guess only time will tell.

Im so sorry each of us is going through this, but I’m eternally grateful for the communication with you all. x