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November 8, 2018 at 10:15 pm in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #236111
ShelbyvilleParticipantI had a tough night with anxiety.
I feel like while I’m functioning, I’m not improving. I keep waiting for the day where I wake up and don’t miss my ex and realise we were definitely not meant to be. But everyday it’s still a case of missing him, hoping he’ll change his mind.
Did anyone else continually feel like this after a breakup? When does it change?
Any advice gratefully received.
November 8, 2018 at 6:42 am in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #235965ShelbyvilleParticipantKkasxo,
If my ex came back tomorrow, I would be extremely anxious, who wouldn’t be I guess? He has hurt me so badly, I would be completely fearful of that happening again. I realistically know that we could only work out if he felt he wanted the same future as me, with me. I cannot see that happening, which is such a shame, because we really got on so well together and there was so much respect and kindness.
A deep clean might be a good plan, I should probably do the same. Lots of advice says to change things around in your room to disrupt the reminders of your ex, but I haven’t done that yet. We’ll see.
I do fear the damage has been done with your ex alright and I’m glad he’s being good about things now. Would you get back together with him and see how it goes? See if you can work on it together? My only concern is that I wouldn’t want to see you hurt again and left in a terrible place. But happy to support you with whatever advice I can give whatever you decide to do.
Once you actually get therapy, hopefully it’ll be someone good, they really do help figure out what’s happening and where you can go moving forward, so let’s hold tight for another couple of weeks!
I don’t have much therapy this week as my counsellor is away, but I think I’m managing a bit better with medication. However, I might speak to him next week about whether I should be ‘feeling it out’ a bit more. Perhaps I should be grateful for the reprieve and stop being so over-analytical!
November 8, 2018 at 5:32 am in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #235953ShelbyvilleParticipantKkasxo,
I think that’s one of my biggest fears…..that I’ll never get over my ex. That he’ll always be up there on that pedestal that I could never reach and that I will always feel the loss of him. I hate that I’m not with him now, it just pisses me off. But again, I can’t change it, even though I’d love to. He is happy to stick to his decision. I have a feeling he might go travelling soon. If he did, maybe I would relax more if I found out, knowing he was far away and I’d never hear much about him again.
I’m sorry you’re co confused. I wish I could help. It seems to me the relationship is nearly off the table until you can figure out everything that has happened to you? But I could be completely wrong. Work is keeping me going today, as in….it’s a distraction at least.
I’m going to try and do another 4k walk this evening with my friend. She suffers from anxiety too and had heartbreak several years ago so she’s pretty understanding. Well done you and planning to go to the gym, maybe boxing a few punches on a punchbag will help get some frustration and anger out!
I might visit my sister and nephew later for another distraction, are you getting as sick of planning distractions as I am?!
I always feel better though knowing I’m not alone in the heartbreak boat!
ShelbyvilleParticipantAmma,
You may still be in shock, but you will process it in time. It’s an horrific time for your family.
One thing I will say is this……it is not your fault. He seemed to have his mind made up and I don’t want you to experience extra suffering by going over and over what you could have done. But I completely understand how difficult that might be for you right now.
Try to be around people who care about you and talk whenever you need to. I’m so sorry.
ShelbyvilleParticipantIvy,
It sounds like you have fallen hard for this guy and had some amazing memories in Europe with him. It’s really really difficult when someone you love chooses to break up with you. I have the same experience myself not long ago. It’s torture in many ways, wanting to see them, speak to them, hold them.
However, he has made his decision. Yes, he may care for you, but not enough to get over his difficulties in expressing himself. It’s impossible to see it right now, but maybe he did do the right thing for you. If he’s not able to sustain a long distance relationship, then it would cause more heartbreak down the line.
If you return to see him, you may be able to get things back on track….but until when? When you leave again will the same issues not arise again?
However, despite all the advice that you can get from people, you have to do what’s right for you. Believe me, Im missing my ex like crazy these days, so I know how difficult it is. But I just try and tell myself, that my ex has made his decision, I can’t control that and I have to accept it.
I hope you feel okay soon whatever you plan to do and enjoy your travels.
ShelbyvilleParticipantAmma,
I’m so so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine the pain and grief you are going through. I hope you get through this tragic time in whatever way you can, rely on extended family and friends, anyone that can support you both through this difficult time.
My thoughts are with you and I’m sending as much warmth to you as I can. I’m so sad for you. In the weeks and months to come, this is a good forum to help with advice and support. There is always someone at the end of the keyboard.
S x
November 7, 2018 at 9:52 pm in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #235929ShelbyvilleParticipantI love the smell of a clean kitchen! Well done!
You’re right, I’m a lot more rational with the medication and I hope to just be on it until the Spring, sometimes we just need a helping hand to get over the slump. As that book explains too, the withdrawal is to do with brain chemistry too so sometimes, it’s beyond our control to just think our way out of sadness.
Having said that, I miss him every moment of every day. I dreamt of him again last night. I don’t know when that will change or fade, or even if it will. I’m accepting it for the moment, but if I’m still the same in a year, it could mean trouble.
Well done on planning the gym and the birthday. I’m in no mood for parties at the moment, so you’re being very strong. Plus, as you say, more time passes.
I’m going to try and get another walk in later to burn off any anxious reaction I have. While I’m grateful for the reprieve – I couldn’t sustain that intensity of pain in my body- I kinda feel I should cry a bit more or something. I don’t feel the urge to at all now which is weird.
Again, it’s draining trying to come up with plans for the approaching weekend, but I know I have to do it. I’m a bit scared that this is my life now, sad and unfulfilled I guess.
November 7, 2018 at 12:18 pm in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #235885ShelbyvilleParticipantAh B&M! A Mrs Hinch fav! I’m quite proud of myself because my dishes have been destroyed by a white chalk residue in recent months & I bought several bottles of white vinegar today and scrubbed all the white off! It’s the small victories at this point! I’m glad you’re excited, it’s so funny but cleaning is the only thing that I feel good doing these days!
As for my ex, I doubt he will contact again. The last text wasn’t out of the blue in his eyes, he would see it as responding to my sending of the card to his parents. (He lives with them) It’s so exhausting trying to make ourselves feel less awful every single day though, isn’t it?
It’s such a confusing time for you. It’s not fair that you’re in a sort of limbo where you need a little guidance or help and you still have to wait. But you’re surviving, albeit not happily, but neither am I.
I do hope people around you, including your ex know your true value. You seem like an extraordinary person. Tough as boots and kind and caring at the same time, so make sure the company you keep appreciates that!
Im currently involved in a couple of games of scrabble on Words With Friends. Again, my life is pretty sad right now!
November 7, 2018 at 9:38 am in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #235835ShelbyvilleParticipantI’m so sorry you have to wait so long for some help, it’s not fair. What’s the point of having these services, if not at a time of need?
But you have made it this far, so hopefully 4 more weeks will go by as quickly as they can.
My ex is not into contact, he barely responds to the 5 messages (max) he would get a week from family! I think he was just trying say thanks, and be the good guy and Liverpool were playing soccer yest eve and he would have had a couple of pints watching that, so he was probably just a bit more casual about the communication. It’s sad that i still feel I know him like that.
It must be so difficult to try and process so much stuff by yourself. So many varying emotions at play. What is your instinct? Take away all the psyche thoughts and process developments and strip it down. What do you feel? Are you extremely hurt and broken after your trauma which your ex contributed to?
What does your gut say? Does it say, this has been bad and it can’t work out now or does it say, I’m strong enough to heal from this within the relationship? I wish I could offer more advice but I’m just working off the info I do have.
Maybe if you try the meditation again, it’ll eventually slow down the train of thoughts that constantly occupy your mental space?
What are your plans this eve?
November 7, 2018 at 6:25 am in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #235793ShelbyvilleParticipantWell I survived the dentist, but my teeth are super sensitive now, especially in this cold weather! Also I met a male friend after and we did a 7K walk!! Wohoo! He’s a really old friend and we literally talk about everything, he calms me when I’m in his company.
I’m treating myself to a nice toastie for lunch now. That’ll expend another hour I hope! The struggle continues.
I wasn’t going to respond to my ex, but I knew I would spend days or weeks on end agonising about it and seeing it as an opportunity at any stage to contact him, so I said I better just get it over with. All I said was basically ‘it’s no problem’. I left it at that and he didn’t respond thereafter.
A tiny part of me, of course, will always imagine that he might have been trying to open the line of communication but I know him better. He is known as a gent, very mannerly and polite, always doing the right thing. He would have just sent that text to continue in that vein of being polite.
Also, he would hate to think anyone hates him or he’s let anyone down so I imagine part of it was him trying to assuage his own feeling that I’m not ‘off’ with him and he can sleep better knowing ‘we’re on good terms’ or some rubbish like that.
You’re right, it does throw you for sure.
I feel such empathy for you going through your situation. I know it’s difficult to make a decision cos then you have to be prepared to deal with the consequences of that decision. It seems from your posts lately that you have a lot of less than positive feelings towards your ex, despite loving him no doubt. My priority for you, but be to look after yourself first and foremost. Whatever that means, it might mean being alone to try and heal and process the trauma. But if it means reconciling with your ex, there is absolutely no judgement, just support. I promise. You do what you need to do and if we can help, in any way, consider it done!
November 7, 2018 at 3:41 am in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #235771ShelbyvilleParticipantKkasxo,
Im glad you had a reprieve last evening and were able to keep distracted.
I managed to get a 4K walk in which I felt good about. However, I’m feeling quite low again this morning. He texted me last night, just to thank me for a sympathy card I sent his parents for his grandma who passed away.
After my phonecall that weekend, I was devastated he hadn’t told me about the death, when we had only just split up. He hadn’t told family we split at the time of the funeral, so it just looked like I didn’t make an effort to attend.
Anyway, I really adored his parents and so just a card after the phonecall. I was not expecting to hear from him. He basically just said thanks and it was appreciated.
It didn’t change anything and I guess I nearly wish he had left it and not said anything because I’m doing my best to survive but when there is any contact and betraying little flame lights again.
Im off today, to attend the dentist. THESE are the lengths I am now doing to for the sake of distraction…..THE DENTIST!!!! My life is tragic!
How are you doing today? Did you go to work?
ShelbyvilleParticipantWell I’m glad you’re in such a positive state of mind, despite the breakup. I wish I could be more positive, I’m still struggling massively with missing my ex.
Perhaps you are right about the habit, but just at the moment, it’s very much related to the specific person. I hope one day I can be happy again.
Dont worry about being afraid, fear is just fear. It can’t hurt you and actually disappears when you confront it. You’re doing really well. x
ShelbyvilleParticipantVibrant_me
Welcome to the forum. Don’t be worried about thinking of him. You loved him right? So it’s a loss, you can acknowledge it as such. I know you are working hard to improve your own wellbeing, which is fantastic. But there is nothing that tells you that you have to instantly be over your ex. When a loving relationship ends, it’s okay to grieve, it’s ok to miss him. It means you’re human.
My ex ended it with me 7 weeks again and I’d be lucky to find a five minute period in a day where I don’t think of him. Let the thoughts of him come and go without reading into them too much.
In time, the thoughts will become less frequent. I’m so sorry it didn’t work out and I do hope your new journey brings you peace and fulfilment.
November 6, 2018 at 1:24 pm in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #235727ShelbyvilleParticipantHi all,
I hope this evening is going okay for everyone. I’m feeling very sad this evening but unable to cry. I don’t know if that’s good or bad.
Kkasxo, how are you doing?
November 6, 2018 at 3:11 am in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #235647ShelbyvilleParticipantKkasxo,
Aw I’m glad I can help in any tiny way. Definitely chase up the counselling, it’s an unfortunate system, but it really is she who shouts loudest, gets services. We have to fight for anything we can get.
I absolutely know what you mean about not understanding how much pain life can bring. I didn’t realise the blows human beings might have to take. I see some people who have never experienced a severe trauma and I’m so jealous. I know no-one gets a free ride in life, but someone will never have to go through heartbreak and I wish I could have been one of those people.
But if buddhists are right, heartbreak opens up our heart and souls. so maybe we become better people, so something like that! You have been dealt an horrendous blow, but you can’t undo it now. So now we must play the cards we’re dealt, as best we can, to make it out alive.
I’m ok today, I never stop thinking about him which is hard and draining but at least, no dark thoughts of the ultimate end since that Sunday a couple of weeks ago, so I guess I should be grateful for that. Keeping my head down with work. I have two very big presentations to make in a couple of weeks time and I’m really fearful thinking about it but my sister is helping me shop next weekend to get some clothes that will make me feel confident, even if I’m only faking it!
Don’t worry if you don’t make the gym, it was just an idea for an outlet, you do what feels best for you. I’m going to attempt the pool anyway and see how I get on!
Remember our pact – Oct 2019 – we will post and I bet you’ll be in a new and miraculous place! Post anytime here, I’ll always be at the end of the digital sphere!
S x
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