Kkasxo,

Apologies, I just went to click reply to your last post and I clicked report by accident, my bad! Sorry! They really should keep those buttons far away from each other!

Counselling can definitely be daunting if you have never done it before, it might seem awkward opening up to a stranger. But remember two things, they are trained in exactly what you’re going through and they absolutely have NO judgement, they really don’t, not matter completely off the wall stuff you experience. Within 6 weeks, it can really help change your frame of mind.

I know things are clear on my ex’s part. He is done. I wish my betraying heart would allow me to accept that, but there are varying levels of denial and acceptance going on. But yes, the lack of contact or hope or decision making means I don’t really have a choice but to move on. There is nothing I can do to change it, despite me spending many many hours, trying to find a way to change it. It is what it is and I guess you do need that.

In terms of your ex, he probably is lost and that is why is so eager to get you back too as you are someone who loves him and grounds him and is there for him, but realistically he probably needs to work on that on his own. Two lost people together could become very confusing and tricky with the potential for more unintentional hurt.

I was worried about taking medication too and I was aware of the warnings etc. Every single person reacts differently, but I’ll give you mine, but I hasten to add again – everyone is different. I was put on a relatively low dose two years ago and was told it would take 2 weeks and I may get worse first. This is what happened for me – I was completely lost and scared and anxious. Within 8 days I started to feel better, it was like a black foggy cloud, where I believed I would never get better, started to lift and I could think more sensibly and normally. I never went ‘down’ first as many people had described, I slowly just started to get my normality back and started to feel better. Within a year I had halved that low dosage and while I experienced a small flutter more of anxiety – or rather more worry than anxiety, coming off it, with the help of counselling is not as hard as people say. Of course it depends on the particular drug, but it’s all about weaning, bit by bit, till it’s gone.

For me, work has really been distracting me today thankfully. I drove to the pool last night with my swim gear on and everything but I drove straight home again. My tummy just felt off and I couldn’t force myself. Maybe next time!

My presentation is next week and now it seems I have a total of 3 to do on 3 different days, eek!! I’m in denial about them at the moment, until the 11th hour! The pain is not as bad today but it could come again tomorrow as Im on a day off. Hopefully not.

@Kkasxo,

Are you okay? Is there any particular trigger last evening or this morning? Would the monthly visitor have anything to do with is because it certainly impacts me.

Are you having your counselling session this week? Have you the kind of job where you can keep your head down for the day as far as possible and do as little interaction as possible. Trust me when I say, I know how the pain feels.It’s crippling, it feels like it will actually physically break you, but it won’t.

You made it to work, sure…..it might not be your happiest or most productive day at work ever, but you made it…..YOU DIDN’T GIVE IN.

I’m here all day anytime you need to type or get advice.

S x

Kkasxo,

Honestly it’s scary how alike our situations are in some ways. My ex was not enthusiastic about living together at all, I always got the sense that he felt his next move would be in to his own home and he wouldn’t waste money renting in a crappy apartment somewhere. He always planned on having his own place I think but didn’t adapt his plans when he met me and when I started to suggest alternative future plans than what he had in mind, it irked him and he couldn’t change. In fairness we had a couple of deep deep conversations a while back and he admitted just not sure when he’d be ready and I said I’d wait and I’m in it as his team mate, thinking I could manage it, but despite my best efforts, my frustration kept seeping out. It’s hard to drive a car with the handbrake on.

It is completely reasonable to expect you would be living with your partner after 3 years. Genuinely, it is. A lot of people live together after one year now! It would not make sense to me for you to find a place to rent when your family moves away, when you could move in with your ex. I was exactly the same, I wasn’t going to move into a house my ex bought or built without living with him first to see if we could live together. You really don’t know someone until you live with them.

Valora,

I know you’re right. I just can’t get that to sink in that I must accept it and move on and that he won’t change. I think it’s about control, I have an issue with. I can’t understand how I can’t fix something. Probably naïveté on my part too.

Thanks so much for the advice.

Kkasxo,

Yes basically I wanted marriage and children. But that wasn’t something I wanted in general, as some women do, it was only a realisation I came to when I fell in love with my ex- it was specific to him, I thought we’d have a happy life together. He told me he saw his future with me, but when push came to shove, he felt it was all to much responsibility and he ‘wasn’t cut out for it’. Despite me feeling deep deep down, with my gut instinct, that he did want the same things as me, but fear of what it meant made him bail out.

He would have made an incredible Dad but he feels he’s meant to live a life on his own. He did at times imagine what a future with me would look like, he told me things he imagined about our child or our house etc, but at the same time, he admitted he got scared at the thought of it too and if didn’t work out etc.

In the end, I believe his fear controlled his fate. Many others might read this and say, that girl is fooling herself – he wasn’t into her enough- and that may be the case, but one trait of highly sensitive people- such as me- and trust me, I don’t like being a HSP, is empathy, our intuition is acute. I felt it, I felt he deep deep down needs to be fulfilled in that way, but is unable to address that aspect of himself at this point in his life. That’s why I suspect it’s going to crop up for him one day down the road again.

My family cried with me the first time round too, my Dad actually had to take me to the GP at the time when I basically went off the rails and he still adapted pretty quickly when we reunited and got on board. They just wanted me to be happy and they saw I was happy when we reunited so they backed off.

I had an unsettled sleep again last night, my tummy was like a washing machine and just felt anxious. I did all my meditation etc so I don’t know why my sleep is getting particularly bad now, in the beginning – my sleep patterns weren’t too bad, seems to be getting worse as time goes on.

Ive been in a marathon meeting all morning so that’s keeping me distracted. Looking forward to a therapy session later which I can really do with now. Hopefully it will help shed some light on how I’m feeling.

How was your night?

Kkasxo,

I did indeed manage to get a few bits which I hope will boost my confidence for the presentation, even if I’m only faking it!

I ALWAYS feel I need closure with my ex. But there are no answers as such. I know why we broke up, I know my needs are different to his, so ultimately, it can’t work. But at the same tome, despite knowing that logic, I still miss him and can’t imagine his life going on without me. It’s hurts like nothing I’ve ever experienced before. I want to be with him. But I know I can’t be with him either as the same issue will arise and I’ll feel unhappy and unfulfilled and he’ll feel pressured and resentful.

How on earth do you flip that switch- the one that makes you feel you were not right for each other. The writing is on the wall and yet, I can’t imagine another single man on this planet for me. Argghhh, it’s positively draining and I don’t know how to get over him.

During our phone call a couple of weeks ago, I asked about meeting up but he didn’t know if it would make things worse. So that was a polite way of saying no. There’s no going back on his part, because he sees the logic, he understands why we broke up. I just wish I could get it through to my heart. But it’s not, I miss our life together. Even though it wasn’t perfect and not going where I wanted it to go, I still miss it.

I think the only way you could move forward with your ex is to address that elephant in the room. It has to be healed to honestly stand a chance of moving forward either together or alone. Perhaps once you start therapy, you can get some guidance about the best path forward for you. I can’t imagine what you went through involving the trauma you find too difficult to talk about but it’s had a significant impact on you.

I do believe however that humans have the capacity to recover from even the worst atrocities we can imagine so I’m confident, in time, you will deal with it and heal it.

I was anxious a couple of years ago getting back with my ex the first time. But as my therapist explained, it’s your life, your family and friends can’t live it for you and sometimes in life, we need to do what’s right for us, even if others can’t understand. You know what they say about opinions…..everyone has one! They are only trying to protect you at the end of the day, so any difference of opinion is coming from a place of love. Those close to me, came round a lot quicker than I expected actually and not one person has said ‘I told you so’, since we split this time. So don’t worry about that. Things work out like that in time.

I hope I sleep better tonight, although I remember Tom in an earlier post on this thread said he was 3 months broken up back then and he was still finding it hard to sleep/not think about his ex etc. So I’ve a way to go yet….

Kkasxo,

I definitely know I’m not in a position to consider it just at the minute as even the prospect of it increased my anxiety. I think I just need to get on an even keel before I start making any big decisions.

It sounds like you have a plan anyway if the arrangement with your ex doesn’t work out, which is good. The thing is, I expect you will still enjoy each other’s company, but is that enough.

I know in my own case if I met up with my ex tomorrow, I’d love being in his company, and I think he enjoys being with me too. We don’t have any issues getting on with each other but it’s the overall issue that stopped us being together. If I never brought up about the future, or making plans, I’m fairly sure I’d still be with my ex in ten years time, doing along as we’ve always gone along.

But it may throw some light on your situation and garner you extra information that might help you decide what is the best next step for you.

Ooh keep me posted! I’ll let you know how the shopping goes!

Kkasxo,

You’re right, anger is part of the process and everyone, including my therapist, has been coaxing me to be pissed off at him. I literally have no anger at all. I can’t even muster up fake anger, I try but to no avail. My therapist feels I’m not ready to be angry with him, because I’m not ready to let go. It’s harder to ‘reconcile’ with someone you have seething anger towards!

Unfortunately there is not route for him to get to HQ apart from my way, but as I said, it’s once in a blue moon he’s there and while we were going out, I never once accidentally bumped into him so I can’t see it happening again. We live about 40 minutes drive away from each other. I have no reason to ever be in his neck of the woods, although there was a really good salon there I used to visit, but I’ll just have to find a new one.

I also believe you’re right and I’m sure he was just as startled as me to be honest. It is what it is I suppose. How on earth do I stop loving him and want to move on for myself and stop dreaming about a fantastical reconciliation?!

I actually have no plans for this evening, but I’m exhausted from not sleeping much last night so I’m thinking of doing some more cleaning and maybe try out Netflix…..eek!

Are you going to your sisters party tonight?

Hi Kkasxo,

That’s brilliant, I’m so glad they are starting soon and I hope they prove beneficial for you and really help you along your path.

The anxiety is so so still. So I went to get a coffee near my work building this morning and as I came out of the café and went to cross the street – it was raining – my ex passed me in his work vehicle. I got a bit of a fright because he is never normally around my neck of the woods for work, just very rarely.

He acted like he didn’t see me but kind of put his hand up to his mouth/face to cover it a bit. He couldn’t have missed me on the street. It just knocked me a bit as I haven’t seen him in 7 weeks since we split. Is this what we are now? I’m just an awkward ex he needs to avoid? I felt so sad again.

I’m trying not to let it affect me, but with my anxiety and life at the moment, I have narrowed it considerably to zones I feel safe/comfortable in. My home, work, sisters, friend house. I didn’t feel there was a threat of pain within these areas as I got rid of all reminders etc. And then he just pops up unexpectedly. I’m a little shook.