Valora,

You’re absolutely right. One of my biggest challenges in life has always been to just try and accept things when they are not as I want them to be. I feel the need to control, fix, change. Things outside my control seems like an alien concept.

I agree, I will keep experiencing that lesson until I get it, but I have no clue how. Have you any advice about how to come around to that level of acceptance?

Kkasxo,

I feel the same. I cannot imagine him living a happy life without me, it hurts too much. But perhaps if we accept and move on, that would become easier.Who knows?!

I don’t know who or what I am these days. I feel so lost, with no map for the future and my path to happiness taken away, even if that’s a skewed version of what was really going on.

Hopefully the musical will be a distraction later. I’ll have access to the forum at all times though, so feel free to post after your session or if you need to vent or seek support. Best of luck.

Kkasxo,

Well over a couple of weeks of therapy, maybe it’ll become a little clearer as to what is the best thing for you to do right now. You may not actually be worse after therapy, you may feel better, maybe you just to need offload all that you have been carrying and it will lighten your load somewhat, so keep the faith.

I don’t know what you have been through with your ex, but if you feel he’s intrinsic to your recovery, discuss it with the therapist and see what advice is given. I am sure when you go through something traumatic and you have a connection with someone regarding that event, it seems natural that you would want that person to be part of the process.

You’re so like me! I have been questioning if I really need those things in the future. Is my ex not more important than all of that, which I feel I’m unlikely to get anyway now at this stage.  Genuinely, but my ex is a bit of a decent guy and he wouldn’t let me make the sacrifice, even if I wanted to. For my sake and also for his as he would constantly feel the cause of it and I’m sure resentment would set in. When we got back together two years ago, i explained to my therapist that I would be happy to have him as my partner for the rest of our lives, nothing more. I genuinely believed that at the time, but as time went on, my real feelings kept leaking out, despite me trying to be patient and just push them down. Now I’m in no man’s land. I can’t go back and I can’t go forward. I feel like I’m broken. Destined to be nothing more than a broken-hearted shell for the rest of days. How pessimistic of an outlook is that?! But that’s how I feel. I want to be with him and not have any issues. Argh, it’s not fair.

You are right, I have a demonstrable lack of self worth/love.

Kkasxo,

Whats the worst that could happen if you got back together with your ex? Would you be able to endure it? I went back to my ex before and while it turned out that it didn’t work out the second time, I know I still had to do it at the time, I had to give it everything.

My therapist joked the other day when I complained that I’m not feeling better as time goes on that if I hadn’t returned to my ex a couple of years ago, I’d be totally fine by now! He was being funny and it did make me laugh, but he agreed I needed to absolutely do it at the time.

I understand how you feel- look at me, it hasn’t worked out TWICE with my ex and I still want to reconcile with him!

Don’t worry about the counselling, it might be less scary to say those things out loud than let them rattle around inside your head, turning into all sorts. Tell your counsellor what you’re concerned about and if they can offer any tools for you to cope in between sessions.

I’m awake, trying to get to sleep, but it’s hard. Hopefully I’ll get some sleep soon. I hope you sleep too.

Kkasxo,

I very much relate to that. Part of the reason I went to therapy is because I’m someone who NEEDS to understand things, I like to know the reasons for things and why things happen. However, my therapist has tried to open me up to the notion that not everything in life gets explained. He says bad things happen and sometimes there is no specific reason why and one of my biggest challenges has always been to life my life with uncertainty. As I mentioned previously, it’s all about control for me. I believed I could control most things. I ask my therapist why my ex couldn’t move forward, he says he wasn’t able to. I ask why he wasn’t able to, he surmises it’s probably down to fear and an unconscious family responsibility. But then that’s not enough for me, I ask why is he that way, why can’t he change……and the therapist shrugs his shoulders sometimes and says, I’m not working with your ex so I don’t know. He says that’s life, it happens a lot and you have to try and move forward without the answers.

I find that the most difficult. Right now, I know why my ex ended it with me. Yet, I have ya least 10 questions off the top of my head I could ask him right now. I watched a Ted Talk about this and the speaker explained that an unending search for answers is most common in breakups. It’s as we struggle to accept the reality.

Good on you for doing a workout at home at least, you’re making more progress than you think. I’ve done some cleaning today, which helps distract me somewhat. Well actually I lie. I still think of him every minute of a task but at least it’s better than thinking of him while sitting on my ass moping.

My therapist says the best revenge is to live a good life and be happy, if I wanted to look at it that way as an aid. It doesn’t help me because my ex is such a good guy, he’d only be thrilled for me to be getting on in life. Sigh. I just miss him.

I am here typing debating taking a walk. Okay, I’m gonna do it, I don’t think you ever regret exercise and fresh air!

Are you planning anything this eve?

Morning!

Well it seems I have gone right back to the denial stage of grief again. Spent the whole night dreaming of being back with my ex. Even whenI was awake yesterday evening, I wondered if it was possible to get back together with him.

It’s so confusing, I don’t know why I can’t move on like other people.

Kkasxo,

Its a very common theme amongst men in our society. My ex’s family are close knit, they kind of are each other’s friends. However, my ex’s siblings all live abroad so he is the only one at home and I think a sense of duty and responsibility is something handed down through generations. He actually told me when we first split that he had X number of people in his life to care about, he couldn’t take on one extra person i.e me. Ridiculous I know.

But my therapist says it’s quite common for people to put their own lives on hold to live their life for their family. I know this is true, because this is what I did myself for many years. However I worked on it and through therapy I grew and overcame it and decided to pursue a happy life for myself. I think that’s the thing that bothers me most. Most people say, accept he is who he is and move on, he can’t change. But I changed – I did it – so why can’t he?! I know everyone is different but I just wish it worked out.

I would love a switch to flick so we could feel better, it’s so draining and frustrating.

Oh btw, have a listen to this. It might resonate with you.

http://insig.ht/gm_5312 – on the insight timer app

Kkasxo,

Don’t worry, I know how you feel. I still love my ex and have not fallen out of love with him yet. I wish we could be back together but my rational side is more in control today and I realise we couldn’t be in two different places. It just doesn’t work that way. Actually you mentioned your ex and gettting a mortgage and I remember one evening my ex said to me he was thinking of putting a bid on a really cheap house in his area as an investment….just like that, without any consultation with me. Me there the whole time trying to plan our future and save and maybe we’d need a deposit at some point and he’s ready to drop a load of money on another property. He never even considered me. Now in fairness, when I expressed hurt and disappointment, he did see the error of his ways, but ultimately, although we were in a relationship and he feels he did mould and change a lot to be with me, he still hadn’t shifted the picture of the future he had in his head, when he was by himself.

Your ex wants a mortgage and has always wanted to get himself a house, but when you end up having a long term relationship, your plans have to change. That’s the nature of being in a couple. Buying a house for himself alone is just not practical now if he’s in a relationship. You have to live with someone before you make any life changing decisions.

I can’t believe you went to the gym yesterday, well done, that’s unreal. If I was in that level of pain, I’d be a mess, trembling on the floor, calling anyone and everyone! Good for you!

I have nothing planned for this weekend yet. God it’s exhausting. I know I must plan or I’m in trouble, but it would wear you down! I still think about my ex a lot, wondering is he happy having his weekends to himself again to watch footie or go to the pub with the lads and me barely hanging on by a thread, trying not to spend every moment in misery!

I’m hoping to go for a walk tonight if the weather is not too bad