Hi Sammy,

I’m here. How are you doing? Sorry, I’ve been working from home due to new restirctions and ironically I think I work even MORE from home (to prove a point I guess) so I’ve been manic.

How are you feeling? It’s okay that you drank last night, in the sense that you cannot change what you have already done. It’s gone and beating yourself up about it will give you absolutely no benefit. None whatsoever. Except push you in to a shame spiral which may inevitably make you feel worse and want to drink even more.

Thing is you don’t need to drink, your brain just wants you to feel like you do because who wants to sit with loneliness? Who wants to sit with sad emotions? We all have crutches. I find it extremely difficult to just sit with myself, when I’m low that is. Other times I’m fine and even relish it, but when I’m low I need connection, I crave it. But I’m working on it. On trying to sit with the discomfort a little more each time. Actually I had a virtual session with my therapist this afternoon (on my break) and we talked about me expanding my capacity to feel anxious and upset or lonely or worried and sit with it a while longer. He said consistently doing this will eventually reduce its toll on me.

Start your indoor routine diary. I’ve found that I’ve not been journalling much lately and it’s having an impact. The littlest things have an impact. So get a notebook and plan tomorrow. When tomorrow comes, plan the following day and so on. I even took up knitting at one point and suduko to occupy my mind at times indoors. And remember, it sux now but this too shall pass and you won’t be cooped up like this always.

Adelaide,

To this day I might bump into an ex and still have a reaction. I don’t know, it’s just a reminder of a different time, a time that had different feelings attached to it and the memory almost makes your body relive it, like their presence leaves a lasting imprint on you which is triggered when you see them. However I also think that fades with time, so that the 4th or 5th time you bump in to them, it’s a little less each time.

I have stayed friends with exes. I don’t know how exactly, it just kind of works. They have moved on, I have moved on. They have families and stuff now so it’s not like there is ever a possibility for anything to happen again, so it works. However it depends. I’m not friends with ALL my exes. The ex who was the reason for starting this thread is not my friend. In fact, in a strange moment yesterday after zero contact, I texted him something about his parents to do with coronavirus that crossed my mind. He replied politely and also congratulated me on my new job in the city, which he had apparently heard about through the usual grapevine and that was it. I wasn’t anxious waiting for his reply, in fact, I didn’t care if he didn’t reply at all. I had no romantic feelings towards him, he is not the person I initially built him up to be in my head. He’s just…..whatever now. I don’t know if I’m just detached now or time has helped, but either way, it is what it is for now.

Hi Sammy,

Dont worry I know you have good intentions. And people on here often give advice based on their reading of a situation, some of it lands true, some of it doesn’t. I appreciate the advice.

At the moment, I’m sad. I was feeling poorly today – have a female infection- so I got a doc appointment for my lunch break. Was awake most of the night with discomfort. Anyway, I didn’t get much caring from the guy. Again, so different to how he was before. When we first met, I had to get a brain scan for an ear- ache. Unnecessary and a waste of time but doc insisted. When new guy found out he was very very put out that I hadn’t told him and that that’s something important and almost like – why wouldn’t I tell him, like he already has us as a couple in his mind. I was taken aback at the tone but also touched by his caring. Today he texted and said ‘feel better’.

The communication has been bland again today and we were in convo via text tonight about work and the news and stuff and I asked him a question and he’s just decided to not reply further. So yeah, it’s all very strange and odd. No talk of meeting this weekend or doing anything together. So yeah, I’m sad.

I’m also hormonal too which doesn’t help, but highly satisfied that I’m most definitely not pregnant – as there was a 1% doubt in my mind which was niggling me. But at least I can let that worry go now.

My face is also breaking out with a coldsore like virus these past 5 wks or so. I feel like I’m just dejected in so many ways now! Btw I might not address all things you mention as it’s quite detailed and honestly, some of it doesn’t apply to even, but I read it all and reference the things I feel have relevance to me.

I hope you’re improving slightly Sammy and are finding little distractions to keep you going for the next week or two.

ok basically while you have been doing immense work this past while, it’s still early relatively speaking and the routine you had developed was certainly helping you survive. I don’t think it might be at the stage where you’re magically ‘over’ him as such.

You will deal with all emotions when the time comes, but up to now, your mind and body found a healthy way of coping and that’s perfectly normal.

If you look back on my posts on this thread, I ALWAYS felt I was going backwards when I was sick or hormonal. It just got me out of whack entirely and I started the spiralling thoughts. But I’d hold on and say to myself, if I can just make it past this day, or this week or whatever, I have a feeling the fog will lift again and I’ll be okay.

So don’t worry, you won’t stay like this, you’ll be back to your routine soon and in the meantime, lean on friends through the phone or computer and maybe try reading something really interesting to stop your mind from wandering.

Im ok, my anxiety, as always, is the worst in the morning so I find that challenging but it eases out throughout the day. He’s not being super communicative again this week. I don’t know. I don’t think it’s even deliberate at this stage. He called me last night, just general chit chat. I texted him going to sleep but he didn’t respond and hasn’t viewed the messages yet this morning.

Im going to have to say something this weekend, but it’s hard to know who to talk to him. I thought my ex was bad, but this guy is….I dunno…..sometimes immature, sometimes really deep. It’s hard to get a read on him. I would like to bring it up over the phone so I don’t have to suffer another week of anxiety but he doesn’t believe in discussing things over the phone. I see his point in one way but at the same time, we live apart for a whole week each week, without phone conversations, a lot can build up.

Anyway, it’s tough. He was amazing when I arrived at his place last Friday and Sat and then not as amazing when I returned again to him last Sunday after I had visited with family. At the moment I feel like he’s not that excited about me. To be honest, I get the sense he’s not that excited about anything. He hates his job so much and doesn’t really have anything else he looks forward to apart from his workouts. But in the beginning he was nervous around me and always trying to see me and now I literally feel like we’ve been going out 7 years and completely lost the magic and any sort of trying to step up for the other person – it’s not even been three months since we met in person for the first time, so I’m missing the honeymoon phase already.
I just don’t want to feel taken for granted. I would like to feel special. Rather, at the moment, I almost feel like he’s ‘enduring’ being in a ‘situation’ with me as he feels he should give it a try at least, even if he suspects it’s not going anywhere.

I like him. Some parts I’m beginning to see I don’t like. But I’m willing to try. I want to give it a proper go. But I don’t know where his head is at.

Hi there,

Lucie, you are ALWAYS more than what your trauma would have you believe. It’s hard to acknowledge that in the midst of PTSD or anxiety, but try to keep it close to your heart somewhere. In my previous job, I printed out the saying ‘This Too Shall Pass’ and placed it at the bottom of my computer and any time I read it, I reinforced the idea that no matter how bad I felt, it would eventually ease. You are surviving and that in itself is an achievement, so you are achieving. Be proud of yourself for that. Keep up with whatever tips work for you. Writing everything down without thinking too much about exactly what you want to write is also useful. do it continuously and see after a week or two what comes up for you.

Thank you so much for your kind advice. It makes so much sense and I definitely wish I had more self worth, it just doesn’t seem to be there. And don’t get me wrong, it’s not for the want of trying. I have worked hard over the past number of years on my self awareness and anxiety. But I guess the root problem remains.

Sammy,

It’s so reassuring to hear your attitude is now so far from how you felt when you first started posting here. How far you have come! Well done on growing so much these past few weeks and months.

I’m okay. Anxiety is pretty bad again today – it goes straight to my stomach, so there is no way of ignoring it. It churns and churns, I didn’t sleep well last night. I went straight from my job to the new guy’s place (a long drive!) last Friday evening. I was expecting the worst after the horrendous week I had put in. When I got there, it was lovely. Genuinely lovely. He was in good form, very much like he was at the start and the way I had become accustomed to. He was happy to see me, kind, caring, funny, affectionate. So I went with it and enjoyed our time. I was preparing to leave early on Saturday as I had an appointment to go to as I felt he would be caught up with the guys. But as it turned out, he said he had wanted to spend most of Sat with me as he wasn’t meeting up with the guys until later on Sat. I said it was miscommunication but felt better that he did in fact want to spend time with me. He was talking about coming and staying with me in the city on weekends when I move into a more permanent place etc and it was all nice.

I went home on Sat and he was messaging me for most of the day and texted to say he missed me (though I suspect he had a beer or two at that stage) but it was still nice to hear.

Anyway, I drove down to his place again on Sun afternoon to stay over and drive back to the city first thing this morning. However yesterday when I arrived, he was a little different to how he had been on Friday. It was all such small things, you wouldn’t even notice them probably if you weren’t me, but I felt he wasn’t as caring or as interested on the Sunday. Now I realise he was a little hungover, but he was still in pretty decent shape. I left super early this morning, practically the middle of the night, after twisting and turning most of the night. I just started to get super anxious again. I don’t know why. I felt he was frustrated with me, I could be completely projecting here. That’s the thing. I can’t feel my gut instinct at the moment because anxiety makes me not understand my feelings and which ones are real and which are just constructs of the anxiety.

So my tummy is still upside down today after being totally fine at the weekend and I’m super exhausted.

Sammy,

my previous guy friend (who is still my friend), didn’t make me feel bad when we’re dated. Since then, as a friend he has let me down a couple of times, he has many great qualities, but also sometimes things that don’t sit well with me. But right now he’s being a good friend.

new guy doesn’t know about anxiety as we haven’t been dating a very long time and I didn’t feel comfortable being that vulnerable at this stage. I certainly don’t feel like opening up to someone currently who is gone quite cold. He would have some knowledge of mental health issues as he lost his younger brother sadly last year.

yes I hate to be alone. It frightens me. However, I did go off travelling by myself which I thought helped my growth in this sense. But yet here I am, I reach out a lot. Be it my therapist, tiny Buddha, my sister, various friends. I pull pull pull info & opinion from lots of people about one thing, in an effort to rationalise it I suppose.

I have to say I can hardly believe I’m corresponding with the same Sammy. Your perception has massively changed – well done, you are really doing well

Tim,

I had started a reply last night to you and got caught up in the middle of it and had to abandon the post, because I wanted to give it the proper time to write the right words to you to express how sad I am to hear of Ruperts passing. I completely and utterly sympathise and empathise. Dogs and pets, but especially dogs are incredible creatures. They give you unconditional love and a bond that asks nothing of you but to be yourself and love them back. They are a constant, a familiar stable kind warm soul, always there to be an anchor in your life. It is so sad that they live such short lives and we must say goodbye, but he was a journey mate. He was with you for a reason for so many years and once his journey and service to you was done, he moved on when the time was right. My heart goes out to you and I hope you get to grieve just as you would for any other significant loss in you life, because for me, to be honest I like dogs more than I like humans most of the time. Rest well Rupert.

Sammy, I have been a ball of anxiety. Hello my life circa…. 2018……!!! Basically I know what you have all said, I know what my advice would be to a friend or one of you, should you find yourselves in the same situation and yet I can’t do it. He told me o Saturday that he has a life plan and that me moving away kind of put a major obstacle in the way. He says he likes me as much as always and that if that were the problem he would just say ‘thanks but I don’t think it’s working between us, goodbye’, but he says it’s hard because he does like me. He said he doesn’t know where his head is at, he didn’t meet me Sat to end it, but neither can he commit and he knows that’s not what I wanted to hear, but he can’t change the way he feels or the lack of answers he has right now. Basically he also said he hadn’t planned on having a big depressing upsetting convo on Sat and just wanted to hang out of do things so I said okay and we spent the day walking around, eating, he did a little shopping etc. We were holding hands and it felt nice. However I felt compelled to bring it up again when we returned to the car and he seemed to be getting anguished having such a conversation again. It was a very brick wall convo and I didn’t see the point in trying to continue it so he said he’d drop me home. When we arrived at my house I asked did he want me to call over to his place (seeing as how I established that he didn’t intend to stay in mine) but he said maybe we should leave it SAt night until things settled a bit.

He again said it wasn’t that he didn’t want to see me and I explained that communication is sometimes a bit scant and that things had changed and he didn’t fill me in and I was therefore confused and he asked ‘am i not allowed to change my mind….surely everyone should be allowed?” Anyway, I agreed to see him on the sunday afternoon and we said we’d cook dinner together in his place. So we met up, did some shopping for dinner supplies and he was in good form and affectionate etc and we made dinner and hung out. As we sat watching tv that evening I just couldn’t settle. I didn’t say anything but I was constantly anxious. If he was not cuddling me for maybe 5-10 mins I became worried etc. As the night went on, I just felt that 1% was not right and yes while I’m self aware and know that I can snowball, I still knew it wasnt the same as it had been previously.

He was working the next morning and I was off work, so he told me to take the spare key and lie on on bed for a while. I stayed maybe 30 mins more in bed and then let myself out and put the key back in the post box. Anyway since then I’ve remained anxious. He has been texting etc but it’s just not like before. I had become accustomed to his outward expressions of affection, flirtiness etc and now, while that hasn’t disappeared totally, it’s definitely not the same. I realise I cringed a bit at first with the outpouring of his feelings for me, but it wore on me and I eventually became quite happy to get that kind of communication. Now I miss it.

He said he’d see me this coming weekend. However this evening he has texted me to ask is it ok if he has a sleepover/drinks party (I’d imagine) with his two best buddies on Sat night. So I don’t know what that means. Again….it’s okay….I feel you all screaming at the computer!!! Haha! I don’t know, I want him and I don’t know why. As in, I know what I like about him, but this is not great behaviour from him, though not intentional. But the gap is always there that we’re not in a relationship…so does that mean I’m an option and if something better comes along, he’ll be done with me. My friend says I’m catastrophising, but here I am, nonetheless. I don’t have the strength to walk away, I’m in a strange city in a job I hate with no support network and suffer so bad with anxiety. At least in the past I had all my support network and familiar job to get me through the tough times after my ex.  The new guy is not trying to call me tonight (which he used to do) and is just sending me texts but no content as such in them, just light stuff. I don’t know how to cope with this.

Lucie,

You’re human and no matter how many times you contemplate doing something like wanting to end it all, something inside you will fight. We are survivors, our species survives. Its years of evolution. You will survive. This too shall pass. Maybe not soon but it WILL pass. keep working on it. Try any and all tips you’ve read on here and this is EXACTLY what this forum is for. It made me feel so much less alone and when i met @kkasxo I really felt like someone got exactly what I was going through.

Thank you so much for your kind words about me – I genuinely am so taken aback by you being able to make such observations in the midst of your own trauma. That’s amazing. I know what I should be doing, but I’m sure you know all too well that it’s not that easy sometimes. Our emotions, experiences, traumas, conditioning get in the way. I have to admit, one of the things that attracted me to this guy was really that he made me feel very special at the start in fairness. But I couldn’t have known it would end up like this.

Please try the meditation on your phone if you a smartphone – i find Sarah Blondin particularly comforting when I’m scared or anxious.

Please continue to post here and we will help you as much as we can. You are not alone.

@kkasxo, morning – I hope you’re doing okay?

Sammy,

Thanks for the advice earlier in the thread. My head is all over the place at the moment. What bothers me the most right now is that I feel like I have felt before, upset, anxious, worried, tummy not right etc. And I’m disappointed that after all this time and all the work I’ve done, things still haven’t changed in the way I react.

Yes I have been intimate with him but he didn’t feel distant before now. If anything I felt it brought us closer and he was very much moving into relationship territory (which I was scared about initially), but in the past week the vibe has changed. I definitely don’t think he’s a player, but I’m scared his feelings have changed.

When I was panicking, he did wake (he wasn’t really asleep) and he asked why I was scared and stuff and gave me cuddles etc, but he was also fairly confused but just tried to lull me to sleep.

In terms of being angry that I was late, I have stressed to him that I am completely open to conversations and I’m not an argumentative person, that if he ever feels that way he can always come to me and discuss it and I’ll receive it in as understanding a way as possible.

I guess it’s been trickier seeing each other now that I have moved and he has this whole thing in his head now that he doesn’t want me ending up resenting him because I feel I have to spend every weekend with him now when he knows how important friends and family are to me. He doesn’t want me to run myself ragged trying to please everyone. I explained that I WANT to spend my time with him right now (as we get to know each other) but he said he can’t help how he feels and he feels guilty and doesn’t want to be selfish and we both have to have our independent lives. I think this hit a trigger for me, because I instantly felt like ‘oh well he thinks I’m too clingy and wants to do his own thing’ (similar to my ex I guess).

We have not defined what we are. Initially he was ALL about a relationship and behaving accordingly, but I wasn’t ready as I barely knew him so I said take things slow. As I’ve gotten to know him more, I really like him and would like to be in a relationship with him, but it seems the dynamic has now changed and when I try to steer conversation or anything in that direction now, I get nowhere. I do plan to have a fun day tomorrow but I’m so wound up with anxiety right now that I feel I’ll nearly be putting on a ‘show’ to try and be the light hearted free spirited girl he first met.

That’s my difficulty I suppose, I am hard to get initially….it takes me time to warm up to people and trust. But then I do, eventually and then I’m all in. They then experience more of what I’m really like and I feel like they then go ‘oh well she’s not cool and laid back like I thought, I wanted the easy going independent girl to cave, but I don’t want this clingy over anxious person’…..and yes I’m aware of how negative that chat is towards myself, yet it’s how I feel.

In fairness, I did think I was ready for a relationship. I was quite confident going in to this when I first met him. But now that confidence is shaking and I don’t know why. I obviously don’t want to seek validation from someone else, but when I start to care about someone, the fear of losing them takes swipes at me again. For the past 24 hours I have done nothing but think about this and I have tried to go about my daily business consistently saying to myself ‘it’s okay, if he’s not for you, that’s okay. You want someone who is all in. If he chooses to reject you, he’s not the one for you’. I’ve been repeating this trying to change the perspective in my mind in a effort to subsequently change my feelings and reduce the anxiety.

I was doing okay yesterday after talking to my sister about it and then when I texted him to say goodnight last night, he responded without his usual kisses at the end of the text. It’s a small thing I know, but it’s what I’ve come to expect and I know it means something is ‘off’ with him. He just replied a generic smiley face. It’s unlike him. So that set me off again last night so not a great sleep to be honest.

Hi Sammy,

Thanks for the in depth reply. I guess I am seeking reassurance because I get so scared. We have already had sleepovers at his place (he lives alone), but it is just an issue coming for a sleepover at mine because my Dad lives there. I had a panic attack one night staying over at his place – i thought he was asleep and I just really wanted to leave, fear gripped me completely. I suppose the fear of how I felt and the fear of losing him. I subsequently found out the next morning that he didn’t sleep that night either as I was so restless and he was in super bad form and tired.

Last weekend I was due to meet him sat but ended up having to work on another project for most of sat (with a guy he kinda knows actually) and ended up arriving pretty late to his place on sat eve. I kept him in the loop all day about how the project was going and the delays etc and he was so understanding and chill about it. But during our phone call last night where I was having a freak attack and he was confused, he did admit that he was really mad, but he didn’t want to ruin the actual time we DID have together then by creating bad vibes. I felt so guilty….as my preference was certainly to spend time with him but the work project had to be completed.

Anyway, he also admitted on the phone last night that the new job in the city has thrown him and his head is spinning. Fair enough, I get it. I just loved spending time with him because he made me laugh so much and didn’t seem to be afraid to admit and seek a relationship etc and now that has changed. Am I self-sabotaging or is my instinct kicking in and something is different? At this point, I just can’t decipher. I feel like that although I’m anxious, I don’t pick up on absolutely zero and make it in to something, there is always a nugget at the core that sets me off.

I actually really like this guy and I don’t want to lose him. As for my ex, I wish I could say I’m over him and so much better and have great self worth. But it’s not that, i now accept the situation, but I don’t see myself as being better off or as me deciding I want better. It’s more a case of he has made a decision, he has utterly moved on, so so must I. That’s about it really. The new guy is a bad communicator but not deliberately, he just wouldn’t be great at it, whereas my ex determinedly avoided it. I think my ex would have had the wherewithall to talk but choose not to, whereas the new guy is actually someone who genuinely doesn’t think about some things too seriously and just wouldn’t have that level of communication ability. But I appreciate him for so many more things. But bottom line, I’m petrified of getting hurt here.

I’m so glad to hear that you are sticking to a routine and that it’s helping. It’s all about the baby steps, I did what you did in the initial raw period. I remember the 6 month mark, I remember time passing and next thing you know, it’s over a year later and it doesn’t sting as much. Keep going with how you are going.

Thanks for the input