X

Thanks for the reference to the other thread. I will have a read through. I’m definitely at the stage of not being remotely interested in dating anyone, and even more so at the stage, that I can’t even imagine it!

Im on anti-anxiety antidepressants for the past two years, since the first split with my ex. I reduced them to a very low dose when we reunited but increased them again a few weeks ago, after this second split and yes, they have helped to take the overwhelming intensity off my emotions.

I resonate with what you were saying about not wanting to exist as such. You didn’t want to take your own life but if you could switch off your life without any impact on anyone, that was your desire! Same!!! I wouldn’t do anything, I feel like if I have to suffer for the rest of my days endurong this sad life, I’ll do it, for my family. It will just be my lot in life.

It’s been 10.5 wks and I’m genuinely wishing every day away until I get to a year in the hopes I’ll feel better by then. This is torture.

Kkasxo,

Thats the MOST frustrating thing isn’t it, when we have an idea in our head of how a situation should have gone or how they should have behaved but didn’t. That happened me a lot. I often got upset when he just didn’t do exactly as I had imagined in my head. It will continue to cause frustration I think, I’m sure you’ve already explained outright what you need him to do?

I don’t think you over reacted to be honest. You just reacted and there is nothing wrong with your feelings. Nothing wrong with having feelings, especially after all the trauma you’ve been through. I’d zone most of the ‘noise’ out.

Never mind his sister – mind over matter- you don’t mind cos she don’t matter! If she feels she has the upper hand, let her think that. It won’t serve her. It’s pointless for her to have that attitude and that will transpire in time.

Some days I really really want to let my ex know my thoughts – for various reasons. I hate the idea that he’s fine, that he’s already gone about planning some of his future on his own and here I am like a right fool aching and heartbroken and STILL talking about it. So I might drag him back to the drama so he doesn’t get to sail off into the sunset so easily- bad I know, but it’s part of how I feel. Also, I feel like it was all so abrupt and while talking about it won’t change it, I cling to the idea it will do…..something. I dunno. There is nothing more to say I guess. It is what it is but in some ways I want him to know how much he has hurt me. But what stops me completely is pride.

I’m in pieces, I’m empty and I feel lost without him, I’m unhappy and don’t see a bright future, but I feel that him not knowing how badly I’m coping is the ONLY grain of dignity I have left. That he would view me as pathetic or weak if he really knew what was going on with me. So there lies the dilemma!

My little nephew is in bed now but I can’t wait to see him in the morning!

My elderly relative passed away the poor thing, but she lived a long long life and it was peaceful. So that has given comfort to her immediate family.

My heart betrayingly wonders if I will hear anything from him on my birthday on Monday. 99.9 per cent chance I won’t – why would I. But hope just won’t give up. Or delusion. I’m gonna try and think of ways to stay distracted this weekend.

Kkasxo,

You’re in an impossible situation and handling it as best you can. I definitely wouldn’t be able to handle it as well as you are right now. I still think it comes back to the situation where ye need to live together now. Alone. Develop your own life as a couple that has no interference from family responsibilities etc.

Also, you are entitled to feel how you feel. Feelings can rarely controlled and one thing I learned many years ago after the end of a friendship and I read it somewhere and thought it was so apt…..if someone tells you that you’ve hurt them, you don’t get to tell them that you didn’t! Feelings are feelings, and you were entitled to feel how you felt last evening and saying that ‘it’s blown out of proportion is minimising your feelings and your importance.

I used to dim down my feelings sometimes with my ex because he had such difficulty with emotion and I realise that wasn’t healthy. He should have loved me as I am, emotions and all. Stay away from the sister, there’s no need for you to be friends. As I wrote previously, I thought I got on really really well with my ex’s sister who lives abroad until a recent family event showed she was far sharper than I knew and she hurt me. So I decided, that’s it, I’m not putting myself into a situation where I can be hurt by her again. At the time though my ex was absolutely staunchly angry at his sister and though he’s not one for confrontation ever, he just stopped talking to her and responding to her contact. Even after we split, when I had that conversation on the phone with him and I explained that his sister had texted me, he apologised that she had been in contact and said he didn’t realise she had contacted me because he still hadn’t spoken to her really since that weekend.

So he didn’t do a lot to make me his future but he stuck up for me, even when I suggested NOT being angry with his sister, he took my side. My sisters husband has a big family he loves but will always stand by my sis first and foremost, both my sisters husbands actually. I think that’s the way its meant to be.

It might be just a bit too soon to be thrown back into all the family situation at his house yet, maybe keep to meeting in your place or neutral ground.

The funny thing is, anyone reading my thread will think I’m such a doormat, would accept anything from my ex now, even if it’s not what I deserve, I always made him the priority etc and they’re not wrong. But I used to be well able to go. I traveled alone and have so many friends and family to this day, but everything is different now. Back then I didn’t know what I was missing, ignorance was bliss. Now I know what it’s like to be with him, being without him just seems so dreary and dull. I’m not dealing well with it at all. I’m either in denial or despair.

It might be easier for you if your ex walked away, but it hasn’t been any easier for me. I always want things to work, to control things, how do I control this? How do I make it work when I can’t control him? I’m not coming to terms with that at all. It’s getting worse each day to be honest. Know clue what to do, advice is that thoughts control feelings, so change your thoughts, so then I try and be positive and distract – but then they say you have to feel the pain to work through it- so i’m all over the place!

If time would do it, fine…I’ll wait. But 10 weeks later, nothing has changed. I’ll give it another 10 weeks and see, but I’m not convinced!

I plan to stay with my sister tonight, although I’m actually exhausted. But she’s heavily pregnant and has a toddler so I try to help on weekends with getting up early with the toddler so his mum and dad can have much needed hour or two extra in bed. But tomorrow, I wouldn’t mind an hour or two extra in bed myself! But I’ll be fine. As for tomorrow and Sunday, I’ve no plans yet – I’ll have to think of something. Sunday evening my family and I are supposed to be going for dinner for my birthday which is on Monday, but we’re not sure at the moment as we are waiting on news of our elderly relative who is extremely unwell.

Would you go back to the gym later to vent out some of the stuff circling in your head?

X,

Thanks for posting that link, I had not seen any of those threads and will have a good read-through when I get home later.

It most certainly is difficult and I’m interested to see how people who were in similar circumstances are doing now a year or so later. I wonder will I feel better by then.

I seem to have reverted to the early stages pain again, where reminders take swipes at my heart and my tummy and I can almost instantly cry, which is weird for me I guess.

I would love to have an epiphany and just have a clear picture about a positive future!

Kkasxo,

Today was my final presentation of the three I had to do. It went okay I think and I’m glad I did it and they’re over, but I cried the whole way home. I woke up with a deep sadness today and a sense of being lost and empty, which seemed to be worse after the presentation was over. I almost texted him this evening to act like we were, like it’s totally cool to just pick up the phone and contact him like I always used to!!!

I really can’t figure this out, people telling me it will take time etc. My feelings have not changed one bit since 10 weeks ago. So basically, what’s the method here? Anyone heartbroken recoveree out there that can guide through the process? So is it a case of you have an overwhelming need to contact them and talk to them but you just resist and resist and resist and it goes away? Or is this not particularly usual in these scenarios? It’s so hard to figure out the right thing to do right now. My head says move on and forget as much as possible, my heart says run to him, even if it means more pain.

It’s funny, I don’t know if I want time to move forward. I hate this time of year, and am much looking forward to the spring, but in another way, the future looks so bleak for me, that I’m in no rush to be alone without him, which is where I am already, but it’s weird complicated craziness on my part!!

Also, can you believe the words out of your mouth – or keyboard –  all the positive things you plan to do for YOU next year. That’s monumental. To even have the self=awareness at this stage, after all you’ve been through to have such a positive outlook. You’re doing amazing and I hope therapy is helping and not draining you too much.

Christmas with your family will be great, being around family is a major blanket for me at the moment. I genuinely would be lost without them, especially my sister and her husband and toddler and my Dad. But they want me to feel better and happier – for my sake – and I’m trying, but nothing is budging much.

Victoria, how are you? Good luck with the job interview. Is there a counselling service attached to your college? There used to be a free service when I was in college for students having a tough time.

Kkasxo,

Thanks so much for the kind words, they’re a great comfort. Probably more than you know!

I’m still in the phase, even at 10wks, that I would welcome a reconciliation with him. However, it’s easy to say that now as it’s hypothetical. If it came down to reality, I’d probably be very scared and wary. Such is the complexity of emotions, the heart and the mind.

I’m a little wiped from therapy today myself. There were no new insights as such but I expressed my concern that in 6 months or a year, I feel Ill still feel exactly the same. My therapist is very understanding and talks me through it as best he can. I’m not craving contact this evening like previous evenings, I’m actually just too drained to feel much of anything.

Its so funny, many times you have posted too, I have thought to myself that are we the same person! So many similar scenarios for us, albeit different in other ways. If my ex wanted to live abroad, which he often hinted, I would pack up my closet and be gone with him! What am I like?! I’m definitely not in a position to afford anything independently myself, things are so expensive! Totally geared again single people 🙁

Ive been thinking about other opportunities in my field and I will probably change job next year, but right now it’s stability and familiarity. I know I know, excuses excuses! But there is so much change in my life right now, I can only handle so much at a time.

Its really difficult getting back into a relationship, when you’re on edge. When I got back together with my ex, I made a point of being positive, of making him see the woman he was first attracted to- fun, flirty and no drama. That was important for me too as I was tired of the drama and feeling upset during our split. So try and talk to yourself each day and say positive things, it’s amazing how much impact that can have. If you feel that your insecurities about the relationship are becoming too much, it doesn’t take long before it becomes apparent anyway.

We’ve had some sad news about a relative today too who had a fall and then a stroke. So we’re waiting on news, but I’m hoping she will be ok. She’s elderly though, so it might be tough for her to recover, but it’s occupying my mind a bit this evening.

As for next week, I had planned to visit a special evening event at the zoo for my bday! But it’s with my cousin, and it’s her nana that’s fallen ill, so I’m not sure if we’ll go. Oh, I’ve been invited to a really small intimate morning gig with one of my fav singers too on one of the mornings, which I’m looking forward to. And finally, my sister has a work thing to go to a few hours away in a really scenic area and invited me for the trip as her work is paying for the hotel. She’ll be at the event but I love the location so I’ll potter about by myself. At least those things will pass most of the week!

Have you any plans for this weekend coming?

Kkasxo,

Have your family departed now for good or are they just on holidays? If it’s the permanent move, I hope you’re okay and managing the change well. It’s a good thing you were kept busy, it’s a good way to be sometimes as it leaves little time for much else to be thinking about.

Work is familiar and safe at the moment, which I need, but the reasons I have been trying to leave this job for about 3 years also remain and it’s also wrecking my head – as usual – but at least the head wrecking in here is familiar! My last big presentation tomorrow though – wohoo!

I’ve been feeling super low lately. I don’t know why. My friend spoke to me yesterday and said ‘Shelby -why are you even thinking about trying to get back with him, I’m not trying to be cruel, but he’s gone. Like, literally gone fom your life….it’s well done for him, even though I know it’s still a huge element of your life thinking and feeling etc. But it’s over for him now for a while, he’s not looking back’. She’s right of course. But now I feel foolish, because despite knowing that, why on earth can’t I have enough self-respect to say, I’m devastated but it’s done’. So frustrating.

How have you been doing? Will you get to the gym this week? Is work ok?