Brandy,

I guess I believe he loves me and will overcome whatever issues have stopped him moving forward. That’s not realistic and if I could get a feeling-ectomy I would!

Kkasxo,

I’ve given a lot of consideration to what you said. I do think about having a conversation with him, there are so many things I want to get off my chest, but if I’m honest, deep down it’s obviously a need to change the outcome. That’s something that is highly unlikely to happen, especially by more or less telling him what a mess I am! Begging (albeit not directly) is not a good look! It’s all so confusing, my biggest concern is that I don’t want to feel worse and whenever it comes close to the time I think I will contact him, I let the moment pass because I’m scared. I don’t know if it’s the right or wrong decision.

Reality can be a cold splash in the face. I used to love weekends spent with my ex, so comforting and special and each time I would say in my mind ‘Look how good it is now’, but inevitably reality kicked in and I started to think that we still didn’t live together and we still had no plans for the future and it began to eat away at me and I’d constantly text or call my sister to complain that I just wanted him to move faster and be where I am. And then the cycle would start again and we’d do something fun and joyous and I’d love being with him again and I’d get ahead of myself and then I’d be halted in my tracks again when reality set in. Frustrating! Why does life have to be so complicated.

Are you going away for the Christmas? Is it far to your family’s home?

Kkasxo,

You’re right about setting goals, I wish I could get to that stage. I just don’t seem to be there yet. I guess I’m still clinging to the past. Still clinging to the relationship. While I have not contacted him yet, it has not been for the strength of my will and thinking I deserve better. I have just not contacted him because I’m scared of the outcome and also because I keep putting it off, saying the weekend or another day would be better timing for this reason or that.

Someone asked me in the past few days how I’m feeling and they think I’m doing really well. Then they asked me if my ex changed his mind would I take him back and I didn’t even hesitate – I said absolutely. So that’s how I know I’m nowhere near getting over this.

The contact from his sister yesterday only served my own agenda of keeping it alive in my head. It’s frustrating. I feel like I’m going to contact him this week, but who knows if he’ll agree to speak with me. If he does, what on earth do I expect to get out of it? Will I be back to square one?

I feel like my life is on hold and I’m not really living this new life, just waiting for the penny to drop or for things to magically revert to the life I know.

How was your weekend?

Hi guys,

My work Xmas party was last night and it went ok. I’m glad I went but I’d be lying if I said most of my thoughts were still spent on my ex.

When I got to sleep, the night was spent dreaming of us reuniting. It’s not fair, it’s hard enough at a conscious level to tackle my thoughts, I’ve no control over my dreams. Then I wake up feeling bereft. Also I’m all alone today because my family are all away and my friends are busy.

My sister feels I need to have to time by myself sometimes too but I find it terribly hard. I get scared. It must be of the pain coming in or that I’ll be weak on my own and end up contacting him.

I better come up with a plan soon.

Kkasxo,

My evening was not bad. I felt a little lonely when my sister left for her work event but I went and got myself some dinner by myself, just to prove I could, like I used to do all the time before.

This morning my sister organised a facial in the spa as my birthday gift, it was heaven- pure heaven! I really enjoyed it. I didn’t know how much I needed to relax. We’re back from the trip now and I’m staying with her tonight to babysit her two children, which is nice.

My work Xmas party is tomorrow. I’m anxious about it but also really want to look my best because my confidence is at an all time low. My diet has never been worse though, as I’ve been milking my birthday week/fortnight. Oh dear, let’s hope an outfit fits!

Its frustrating that you don’t have a timeframe as such that ye can both agree on. It’s like that psych advice, relationships struggle if one party is either two steps ahead or two steps behind. We’re supposed to walk side by side together, at the same pace apparently. That was the problem with my ex, I tried so hard to slow down to be in step with him, but it just didn’t work, my needs just kept coming out ending with me dragging him up to my pace, which he wasn’t ready for either. You’re right though, he’s not changing his timeline etc- that has to change- of it doesn’t, whats to stop ye ending up in the same place again?

Have you any plans for the weekend?

I hope the evening went well and you feel energised in your work after it! Well done!

Sometimes people go through a lot of strife in a relationship to come out the other end even better. Who knows what the future holds, but it’s worth trying with your ex. I tried twice so everyone tells me I could do no more, but you have a chance to try again and hopefully this time it will all have been worth it.

I’m currently dining alone and having a glass of wine, but it’s ok. I’ve done this loads throughout my life and I just need to get back to feeling comfortable as that woman!

Hope the event goes okay for you!

That’s great you got to change this week’s session. Also, great to hear things are going well with your ex. Keep up the therapy to help you process the work in progress and hopefully it’ll be a bright and positive new year for you!!

It’s natural to be apprehensive but as time goes on and ye settle into the relationship, hopefully that will start to disappear.

The fact that the job and your hard work has made independence and achievement possible for you on your own is wonderful. No matter what, no one can take that away from you and that’s a great feeling!

Yesterday was a good day. Lunch, shopping, afternoon tea and spa! Oh and a table quiz I got invited to at the last minute with 3 new people. It definitely took my mind off things for a few hours.

However, woke again this morning feeling rubbish! Stupid mornings! I always was to reconcile with him in the mornings and then when it gets to evening time- a more appropriate time to contact him- the feeling is not as strong or else I just get scared.

My friend at the spa said yesterday that she finds it so infuriating because she thinks we were perfect for each other. Which makes a chance from the rhetoric of everyone else of late. I haven’t seen this friend in a while so it was a surprise to hear comments such as that. She feels that the problem was that he couldn’t acknowledge that he loved me. She says he clearly did but to acknowledge that meant steps he wasn’t willing to take. It made me feel better to hear it in that way, but then I started getting anxious that I was taking the comments to mean there was some hope. Talk about overthinking!!!

Im off with my sister today for our overnight stay in a different part of the country. She has a work event and I’ll be alone a bit but I’m hoping I’ll embrace the alone time and not be scared of it.

Let me know how today’s work day goes! Good luck!

That’s makes sense, I’d reschedule your therapy session if you can, because I know how draining they can be! And I know I can’t be wearing mascara usually when I go in there!

My day has been so lovely, my friend and I went for lunch then around the shops. Then we drove to a fab hotel where she had organised for another friend of mine to join us for afternoon tea followed by a spa session!

They are so wonderful and thoughtful and I’m so grateful to have such beautiful souls in my life. I feel bad sometimes that I’m letting people down by not getting over my ex. It’s been a lovely distraction today.