Hi Kkasxo,

He texted back at 4am, hence he reason I felt he was abroad, plus his sister messaged me yesterday and said he was sorry to hear about him and I and that she had just heard, because she hasn’t been in touch with Home recently and her family tends to only share info face to face. So I put two and two together.

He was incredibly formal, even at 4am, wishing me belated birthday wishes. I asked if we could talk but he left it hours to reply. Then he phoned me, but I was with my sister and couldn’t answer.

Besides, I didn’t want to talk over the phone, while I’d imagine that’s his preference. I messaged a little later to apologise for missing the call and asked if he could meet me at some stage when he is around.

It turns out he doesn’t appear to be abroad and is meeting me tomorrow evening. So now it’s about trying to come out of this interaction with as much of my heart and what little is left of my self esteem held together, if not exactly in tact.

Now that it’s coming, I don’t know what to say. Being fully honest seems to go against most people’s advice in the sense it will make me feel desperate and pathetic and appear so to him, but we’ll see.

He has arranged a public place, so as to avoid any kind of emotional traumatic experience again I presume.

Update: I messaged him. It hasn’t been read yet but I think he’s visiting family abroad so there’s a time difference. I feel sick thinking about it but I was struggling daily anyway, agonising over doing it, so I just bit the bullet, felt the fear & did it anyway. Let the chips fall where they may.

Today my head is all over the place. I planned to contact him and arrange a meet up but every time I think of doing it, fear takes over and I bail out.

I sent a bday message to his sister, given that she messaged me last wk and she sent back a pic of celebrating with her niece. Her other brother was with her and I then I wondered had my ex headed over for some winter sun to celebrate with her too and then now I feel dreadfully sad.

I realise I have been keeping hope alive and I don’t know how to kill it. I can’t imagine him doing things that I don’t know about or am involved in. If I did meet up with him, I wouldn’t be begging to reunite but I still want to talk to him.

It’s been three months and almost all my thoughts are of him. I’ve been trying to think more lately of all the times he let me down or I didn’t get enough from him to try and offset the Rose-tinted glasses but not really working.

I don’t know how to be happy in a life that doesn’t involve him. Sad an all as that might sound.

Kkasxo,

Honestly sometimes there are so many points you make that resonate with me. You kind lady, are far stronger than me. You have more self worth, you know the things you are not willing to put up with or sacrifice long term. Where on earth is my backbone?!

Maybe I do need to be rejected again to get it into my head. You’re right, I know what i know already however there must be a flicker of delusion keeping some hope alive and that might be completely extinguished. Which has good and bad points. Some might say good because once hope is gone, acceptance must come, bad because I could sink again after it.

Im trying to listen to my gut, but it’s of course lately as I don’t know when my heart or when my head is talking and neither is the gut really?

I believe you deserve happiness, fulfilled happiness. From what i know of you on the forum, I genuinely believe you deserve the kind of happiness that nearly makes you giggle with the amount of it bursting from your heart. So make sure you get that!

Thanks so much for being a lifeline!

Kkasxo,

So, apparently a healthy solid relationship is one where partners move away (metaphorically and physically) from the family of origin and build a family of their own. According to my psychologist anyway he says this is most common process for adults who grew up with loving, understanding and supportive upbringing etc. He tried to explain to me that I should be or have been my ex’s priority. Like the question he asked me once- if me and my ex’s mum were drowning at sea and he could save one, who would he save. Without hesitation O said his mother, to which my therapist shook his head. He said it’s more natural to save the partner who you would build a life with. Obviously though very sad, he is supposed to let go of his family of origin. It doesn’t mean you don’t care and don’t do wonderful things for them, but you work on building your own life, your own future.

My ex to this day still feels responsible for his parents and the older they get, the more so. In all his protests about needing to be a lone wolf and not in a relationship, I believe he was fooling himself that he’s a lone wolf and deep down, he doesn’t realise his attachment to the role of responsibility is stalling him. Anyway, just a few things resonated with me about your guy. It’s understandable to have great regard for your family, but YOU should be his priority now. You first and then his family after, but your feelings need to be most important. So I hope he cops on to that.

In a way I envy your trip abroad for Xmas. Just to get away from everything and pretend it’s not happening and leave the pain and trauma and heartache and stress behind. But realistically for me I think I’m way to fragile to move from my cocoon! I do believe it’s going to do great things for you, I think you should really see it as a break away from everything and enjoy just being in the moment.

As for me, the plan was to contact him this eve to arrange a meet up tomo- if he’s even still around- but of course- I’m bawking at the last minute again. Too scared to do it! 🙁

Kkasxo,

Your family sounds quite similar to mine! I even mentioned that to me ex at the time when his sister made the comments to me and I said that my sister is incredibly over-protective and yet she would NEVER interfere and say hurtful things to him ever. Some families are different I guess, but I do not blame you in any way for avoiding situations which are not going to fulfill you or make you happy. Besides, let him focus on getting your relationship back on track fully and forget about outside involvement from his sister at the moment, it’s not the priority.

Well done on getting to the gym, it will never do anything but good going to the gym! With a friend is even better and you’ll feel better in yourself! I do not feel great in myself, I’ve been eating a lot lately and put on the weight I had previously lost so I feel a bit unattractive and uncomfortable now and would love to be healthy and lean! I must try!

Well done continuing your counselling, it really is a guiding hand in life. It’s draining, don’t get me wrong, but being self aware I think opens your mind and heart so much and learn about your patterns. If you know about them, you can change them! Well that’s what I keep telling myself anyway!

I was babysitting one sister’s kids last night and I’m babysitting my other sisters toddler tonight. The up side of me having a broken heart – siblings have a babysitter on call! But to be honest, I do like being around the kids, they lift me up because they are so straight forward and innocent and no drama and kids never judge you!

I have a biggish family so we do Kris Kindle in our family, and I got my gift for my sister on Black Friday – so for the first time ever I feel a bit better prepared. I must get little bits for my niece and nephews and my Dad and a couple of close friends. But nothing too major!

We’re promised really bad weather this weekend so we’re been warned to batten down the hatches as it were! But I’m not gonna lie, I feel like contacting him this week. It’s like, I feel I am never not going to do it, so maybe I should bite the bullet, feel the fear and do it anyway and get it out of the way and hopefully move on, albeit broken-heartedly!

What are your weekend plans?

Kkasxo,

My internet has been down for maintenance apparently, so I’ve had no coverage for the past day.

First off, is your sister okay? Your poor things, A&E is not a fun place to be- trust me I’ve had my fair share of trips. It’s exhausting, I hope she got the care she needs & is recovering.

As for your boyf, it’s understandable to be agitated. The person you love is spending time with someone you feel doesn’t like you and hurt you badly. It’s a tricky one because she’s family, and family is family. Having said that, my ex kinda pulled away from his sister when she hurt my feelings with some things she said at that family event before we split & I didn’t even ask him to. If your sister or brother hurt your man badly & still made him feel uncomfortable, how do you think you would behave?

Look it, you can tell yourself all you want what ya or may not happen, but I think most people on this forum understand the complexity of love, of attachment, of loss. My ex is in the dust and yet I still feel going back is an option!!!! What sort of delusional world do I live in?!

Im thrilled you made it to the gym, it’s given me some motivation to do something similar as I have been really bad with rubbish food lately & piling on the pounds too- again adding to low self esteem.

Could you ask your counsellor for ways to communicate how you’re feeling, instead of using the tried-and-tested withdrawal method?