Thank you so much for posting. I am under the weather at the moment also, which I know always contributes to my low mood.

I logically understand that there is some sort of problem with my self esteem. I know had I more self worth, the breakup would probably be more acceptable, or at the very least I would be able to understand the reasons for it more easily.

There has been some fantastic advice given here on this forum and yet I can’t seem to get to that ‘breakthrough’ moment. I stay active, I help people, I spend time with loved ones and I try to do things that I like. However, to date, nothing has really shifted my attitude towards the breakup and towards my ex.

I will continue to live on but often wonder will I still be in the same position in 6 months time, 12 months time? It’s frustrating and a little soul destroying as this is not my best life. I don’t know what is.

Hi all,

I hope you are having a happy Christmas if you celebrate this holiday. It can be a hard time for some and I hope you’re doing ok.

Wow, that is some long journey! I don’t envy that part, but the reward at the end will most certainly been worth it!

Thanks so much for the advice. I went to therapy this evening before the New Year. We went through the interaction and he said I was given no indication of change on his part. Nothing further was offered, so it’s confirmed for me. I sat there nodding etc & then I just said ‘NO, it’s not sinking in!!! I just can’t feel that yet for some reason’ (prob denial).

So we are where we are in life. I’m still holding onto that Oct date in my mind to see how well we’re both doing I hope!!!

Tomorrow I’m going to a gig with my cousin. Both of us aren’t very much into the band but we’re trying to push ourselves to socialise!

Hopefully the night time party of the journey will go by quicker for you.

Kkasxo,

I find at the moment, I’m not ready to move on. I mean I could try, but I’d be fooling myself, I just want to be with him. I know it’s silly, but I guess my judgment is clouded right now. I’ll keep posting over Xmas anyway with the various dilemmas that will no doubt emerge for me, so even if you’re not online, you’ll be able to catch up.

That journey sounds like an ordeal, but if it’s broken up with regular stops, it might not be too bad. Plus the excitement of a break and spending time with your loved ones, will spur you on when you’re fading!

A colleague brought his new born baby into work today to meet everyone and I felt so happy for him but so lonesome in a way. Not because I want ‘a baby’ per se. But more that I won’t have a baby with my ex, which for me kind of means ever.

Only one more day working here and I can have a sleep on – I forget what they look like!

Kkasxo,

I think I’m still not learning, whatever it is I’m supposed to be learning. Aren’t all these heart traumas supposed to make us ‘find ourselves’ and become better people in the world? Well I don’t feel I’m doing well in that sense. I feel that I’m exactly where I was when we split. I still love him. I still miss him. I still consider just being with him and asking for nothing more. So I wonder if this will change? You are ABOLUTELY right when you say I’m the only one who can make me happy. But I genuinely have zero clue how to do that.

As for your situation, trust me I had so much anxiety when I got back with my ex and we had a bereavement and my family needed to know we reunited because of the funeral etc, I told the easier members of my family first but dreaded telling my sister. She had been the most one to pick up the pieces and hated him for what he hurting me. I got my brother to tell her and while she was perfectly nice to my ex, I knew it would be a long while before she would accept him. But she did. Time passes and you see your family member heal and be happier and it fades and you get on with things.

Its conpletely understandable that your Dad is upset, had your Mum already known? My Dad would be the same. It’s also a shock for him. So let it sink in. Don’t draw too much attention to it as such, let it just bed in naturally and time will pass and it won’t be so raw for everyone. This has been my experience anyway. I also had the element of would my family be disappointed in me for returning to him, but that worry eventually subsides too.

I can imagine, you’re dying to get away from everything. I’m not looking forward to Xmas, however, my sis and husband and baby are coming home to us for dinner on Xmas day so I’ll be cooking for 6 people which I’m looking forward to. Then my other sister and her family and my other brother will arrive on Boxing Day so it’ll be a bustling house!

Im taking my sister on a Babymoon to a luxury hotel in Jan as she’s due in Feb, so I’m kind of living for that right now!

I’m processing things a little more at this stage.

Im thinking it might not have been a good thing in the long run seeing him. I miss him even more now. I really do want to be back with him and that’s knowing nothing has changed, so what does that say about me?

I honestly don’t know if he felt afterwards that he had done his duty and has absolutely no intention of getting back with me at any point, but is just worried about me at this time of year, or if he is in two minds now.

Confusion continues. Again I can take the advice of earlier posters on this thread and take his actions as truth- if he WANTED to be with me, he would be. But it’s so hard. Everything is opaque to me. Perhaps because my heart doesn’t want me to see it clearly.

How will I ever move on? I want to be happy in life.

Morning,

It was late when I got home last night and I was exhausted. Basically I don’t really know how the meetup went. I think I need to process it yet. On the surface it went fine. Better than fine in some ways. My ex and I laughed and joked like we always have and everything felt easy. It felt easy being in his company.

My therapist suggested not going into it with too many ideas of how exactly I wanted it to turn out so that’s the approach I took. I was funny and quick witted and mocked him a little at times for the way he deals with things and he laughed.

He seemed extremely worried about me and says he’s always available to talk to if I need to. We talked about family and things that have been happening in our lives and I think he felt terrible for me that there has been a few bereavements and upsetting events in my life since we split.

The moments where he opened up were few and far between. He could be laughing and joking with me one minute and then I ask him a serious question and his face changes and he went almost silent with a furrowed brow. He says everyone he knows has told him to cop on and that he’s made a mistake. His mum was extremely upset for a while when she found out we had split.

At the end of the day he admitted he wasn’t ready and he felt that being in a relationship was hard and he didn’t think it was meant to be that hard. He said the fact that he ended up ringing a psychologist in the final days of our relationship made him look back in hindsight and think ‘what on earth am I doing, making out there is a huge problem here when I’m just not ready’. He said that really made him question why he was doing all these things he didn’t feel comfortable with. He felt his time was no longer his own and that he wasn’t in control of things. I think that’s a big thing for him….control. Not unlike myself really. He said he felt pressure and didn’t like it. I explained that maybe there was pressure from me but that wasn’t unnatural in a relationship with a man I love for 4 years, it’s natural to want to move on. He said he knows that.

I asked him what he meant when he said he saw me in his future. He said he meant what he said. I asked, what does that mean and he replied ‘just what you said’…..I asked him was he speaking in riddles and he just shook his head and said no.

He said he has seen one or two of my family and friends around, at a distance.

He injured himself at work and had been in my neck of the woods for treatment over the past number of weeks. He said he was keeping his head down and just working for the past few months. He went abroad for a week but it rained every single day. He went to London for a show but when he got there his ticket was not valid…so I joked that these are all karma! Including his injury. He wondered if I had a baseball in my bag to tackle him.

I told him that it’s been hard for me and while I’m doing loads of things myself, I’m drained from thinking about him every day. He said he has been thinking about me every day too. He said he did what he thought was the right thing to do by breaking up with me and that it was the hardest thing he’s ever had to do. I asked him what would make him happy and he said he still doesn’t know. I asked did he want to live at home, did he want to change job, stay in job etc, what would make him fulfilled in life? He said he has no idea and can’t figure it out. I agreed that it can be very difficult to figure that out as I’m having the same difficulty to some extent.

I told him I deserve to live a life where I’m not drained and crying a lot and he agreed. I told him I feel what we had was special and that there were issues but I wouldn’t have stayed in it unless I believed we could work them out and that I value who I am. (Even if I don’t feel it right now!!) I told him that I get angry sometimes at what he has let go and that he’s an idiot.

Basically there was a lot of joking again etc and I tried to keep the tears at bay. (Public place) but they came out at times. He sat in front of me and I felt he was using restraint not to reach out and comfort me. I found it hard to be so close to him too. He said I look really good and I repaid the compliment. His pupils were dilated for the whole evening, but I bet mine were the same.

But all the good things, were peppered with the sad and heartbreaking sentences too. He walked me to my car in the rain and we hugged, I said I’d give him a kiss and he presented his cheek. He again said I can talk to him any time and I explained that that’s not really a possibility, he disagreed and I disagreed and he joked that I always have to have the last word.

When I got in my car, he asked if I wanted to speak to him over Xmas and I said I didn’t know and he said no problem, to have a think about it.

This morning, writing this all down, I don’t know what to think. Firstly, I didn’t get closure I guess, that’s my first assessment. I didn’t remember all the things I meant to ask him either, but my therapist said not to worry too much about that. Have I still some hope? Yes. So I guess the interaction didn’t help me in one way. I’m confused. I don’t know if he was trying to be his kind, gentleman type self and just worried about the impact his actions had on me or if he still has feelings for me. I got the sense he does, but nonetheless, not ones he’s willing to change his actions for, or I don’t know.

He said when we were hugging goodbye that he’s still working on trying to figure things out.

Sorry for the long post. It’s hard to condense three hours.

Kkasxo,

ya see, my ex was never very natural when I was vulnerable. He would have done anything for me, but became extremely unsettled and worried when I would ever be upset. So this is going to be a tricky interaction.

He arranged the meeting so so because he wants to get it over and done with. I know him, I know he thought he was free of any more anguish by ending it 3 months ago.

When I debated each day for so long about contacting him I felt I had so many things to say or to ask- but do you think I can think of ONE of those things at the moment?!!! Nope.

I’m like a deer in headlights, no idea what to say or do. Eek.