Kkasxo,

It must be incredibly difficult to move forward with someone when you thought it was one thing (a clean slate) and it ended up feeling like something else (a lie). It depends what your dealbreaker is?

For me, dishonesty would be a dealbreaker. Just for me, I live my life as honestly as possible and I emphasise to those around me how important it is. That was one thing I never had to worry about with my ex, I don’t believe he ever lied to me or was dishonest. I trusted him implicitly. Was he to be trusted with not breaking my heart- clearly not!!! But in the general sense, you know what I mean.

Do you want to take a break from your ex for a while and see does that drain you as much as being with him? Not an end, but space?

Michelle,

Honestly I feel like you’re a person that would naturally attract good people in life, even though I don’t know you.

Thank you so much for the advice, you have a way of making really good points and inspiring me without dictating what I should do.

I want to explore what it would mean for me to get to know me and grow. Thank you for posting here.

Michelle,

You have had such a positive impact on me in your posts. It is heartening to see someone who knows exactly what this pain and hurt feels like, but genuinely has made it out the other end. Perhaps it will come to the stage where my ex says he wants no more contact and they, as you say, I will be forced to crawl back up again.

Kkasxo, I think you’ve answered your own question! What rational person would do this? None! That’s the point, rationale is not in full flow yet, the heart is still in control and I guess it’ll be in control until it’s not.

I know what hope is like, if you have it, it’s hard to move on from anything. I experienced a very close bereavement years ago and people say to me, Shelby you handled that, this is not half as bad. But actually, with death, I felt it was somewhat easier to accept, in the sense that it’s final. There were no questions for me, the person was gone and could not come back. In relationships it’s different, if there is hope at all, however misguided, I cling to it.

Why don’t you decide, from today, ok…..I know what i think i ‘should’ do, but instead of beating myself up about the fact that I’m not doing it and I want to give us another go, I’m just gonna accept that this is my choice for now and be happy with it. Throw yourself into it so that you can at least say you gave it your very best shot. If a time comes down the road when you want to change your mind, so be it. But that time is not now, so give it your best, with no chastising yourself for doing it? x

Kkasxo,

Feel the fear and do it anyway. I as worried about contacting my ex again, it could have broke me, but the constant daily debating about doing it was driving me insane and I was drained, so I said…. ‘right, I’m doing it. Whatever the consequences I’ll survive’.

Essentially that book on feeling the fear explains that we will survive – no matter what we do. I’m fairly sure when I meet my ex again, things won’t have changed too much. Yet I guess I need to do it. I seem to need to hear the rejection point blank or several times!

I spoke to my therapist today and he said he’s not entirely convinced it was a bad idea to contact my ex, because it is giving me more of a sense of where things are at, in real terms, rather than months of fantasising and idealising my ex through no contact.

You’re so funny ‘cos after that last message I posted, I literally thought to myself, I’m prob not gonna be much improved by next Oct!!! Great minds think alike ?

I asked my therapist when will I cop on and listen to what everyone says, to the writing on the wall? He said when I’m tired enough of feeling unhappy & crap. He said I’m obviously still not at that point yet but I’ll probably get there.

So despite all the best advice, perhaps you’re just not there yet, you’re not fed up enough to get yourself to a happier place. I know you’re tired and drained, but are you tired and drained enough? Maybe not yet!

Do you think you and your guy can be happy and leave this all behind?

Mark certainly does have a way with words and gets straight to the point and I appreciate that.

Sometimes constantly analysing things just is a way of holding on. I have to make a decision. I just wish I was not so weak about it and could just suck it up and do it.

I still feel so sad. Thank you Michelle for your input. I often wonder will I one day have the benefit of hindsight and look back with a ‘Eureka’ feeling as to why this all happened. I guess I find it hard to work off faith, I like answers and evidence!!

Thanks so much for taking the time to give me advice on this though, it’s kind and supportive of you all.

I’m finally back in work today after being ill, so hopefully the constant ruminating will take a back seat now.

Kkasxo,

I understand completely what you mean. The security blanket was always there in the sense that you could enjoy the break, knowing you’d go back to see your guy at some point again in the future. Ya know, I nearly think I feel the same, in a way. Things are manageable for me, once I know I still have the option of contact, that there are some sort of plans to see each other etc. So is that denial? Bargaining?

I keep the phrase ‘trust the process’. So is this our process? Are we supposed to trust that it’s the right thing going back to your ‘situationship’ and me not to attempt to end and move on? Is all this supposed to happen? I haven’t a clue. I don’t really know what people mean when they say trust the process. Is that just licence to accept every action we take?! Surely we can’t have that much free reign if we are to heal ourselves. I’m also told self love takes willpower and resolve so it’s all very confusing.

I cant stay how I am anyway. One way or another. It’s not helping me and I’m neither happy nor devastated- it’s a weird unsettling limbo to be in. Ultimately I know we can’t work now, too much has happened, he has changed. He doesn’t want to. So why can’t I just accept that on every level. Damn love and attachment.

I’m at the doctor today because I’m still poorly – which of course massively affects my mood. So I best just try and sort it.

I would love to look ahead with some truly great goals such as yourself, but I have no interest in this next year- I feel it’s gonna be more of the same. Just the ticking of time!

It will be a big change when your family moves away, but not all change is bad. Who knows what opportunities it will open up for you and what growth you will have as a result!

Also, don’t forget we’re always here online to support you if you’re lonely or struggling.

Kkasxo,

That is honestly such a huge step forward. You went home and really enjoyed time away from him, could you even have imagined that when you broke up, even when you went to your friends wedding recently, you found it hard to enjoy it without thinking of him. Now, you are enjoying being your own person again, enjoying things that don’t involve him- i’d say that’s pretty monumental and empowering.

Its so hard to move forward for you as your trust keeps being tested and challenged and we need to have trust. It’s one of the basics isn’t it? Who wants to live on the edge all the time- it’s overrated!

What is your goal for this year? Not an aspiration…..what exactly are you going to do this year? Do you want to live blissfully happy ever after with your guy? If so, what can you do now to start achieving that? If it’s to start afresh on your own, what progress could you make this week, this month? I don’t blame you for withdrawing, I used to do the exact same thing, but I suppose therapy would teach me, it doesn’t change a situation and communication is key, even if it’s uncomfortable. But what on Earth do I know? Very little!!!!

After our meetup recently, my ex texted on Xmas day – a usual ‘formal’ message wishing my family and I a nice Xmas. I think he did it to be the ‘good guy’ especially on the back of me mentioning during our meet up that I found the cold turkey no contact quite harsh.

I replied a simple similar message and that was it. Last weekend then I suggested meeting up and he seemed to be cool with that but several times and venues I later suggested didn’t work out due to…….surprise surprise……family business commitments. Eventually I caved in NYE & texted him to talk. He was working but called around 2am. He was quite curt with me to start, almost like he was trying to disguise anger….but I couldn’t be sure. Anyway, once he heard I had been in bed sick all day, his attitude changed slightly and he was warmer.

I suggested meeting up for a chat and he urged me to get well first. I suggested meeting at the weekend or next week and that there was absolutely no pressure on him to do so if he didn’t feel like it. I figure he was kind of caught on the hop, and stumbled a bit before saying ‘sure’. Again, probably to be polite, because he would never downright refuse.

What do I want to achieve? I have no idea. I’m gone completely off the map now. I don’t even know anymore. Of course I want him back, but a part of me knows, it can’t be revived without change and there apparently has been no change on his part. So then I think I want to really let it all out and explain what I really feel, but then I worry that will decimate my esteem even further.

So here I am, start of 2019, no further down the road than week one. No clue what to do or how to accept this and get over it. Everyone thinks being in contact is bad, like….very bad, even my therapist, though not as bluntly. Why am I not listening? Why do I think I know better? EVERYONE can’t be wrong!

Btw, it’s lovely to hear from you again. Sometimes it’s lonely when you can’t speak frankly with those around you

Happy New Year all, I am just going to continue posting on this thread as I find it somewhat therapeutic.

A quick summary- my ex broke up with me 3.5 months ago, we’ve had periods of no contact and lately I have been reaching out again.

He has no spurned my attempts at contact, nor can I say he’s been over enthusiastic about them either. I spoke to him on the phone last night after midnight and he was still working in his family business and was exhausted. He seemed curt at first but then loosened out as the conversation went on. We didn’t discuss anything serious, just chit chat and I explained that i’ve been ill and didn’t make it out for NYE.

I suggested meeting for a chat soon and he agreed. I told him there is no pressure whatsoever to do so, but I felt like he agreed because he was caught on the spot and didn’t want to say no directly.

If I’m honest, I would say he would prefer no contact, not because I think he doesn’t care but because he’s just trying to get over the breakup and it’s the best way I guess. Me on the other hand, I don’t know what I’m doing. Trying to get the relationship back I suppose, but probably not thinking about it logically or long term.

This is the most difficult thing I’ve faced in my life. I would love to be a woman who says ‘his loss’ and goes on to live her best life, but I’m just lost and miss him beyond measure. Despite the problems which have faded behind the Rose-tinted glasses it seems.