Dear NotSoLostStar,

I actually had a read of your own thread and got goosebumps. Some of the similarities with my situation were incredible –  such as your ex even putting you on the inside of footpath to protect you from traffic.

Thanks for your advice, I have been debating travel of late but I’m unsure if I’m just running away and I will fee dreadful whereever I am. I’m definitely feeling a lot sadder the past few days and not seeing any point in contacting my ex so I don’t know if I’m just shutting down or coming to accept things. I feel sad and a little pain, but nothing too acute as such.

Things seem like they are at a distance to me right now and that I’m not living life in technicolour, but rather grey or black and white, if that makes sense!

Kkasxo,

Thats it isnt it. The contact right now won’t change anything, because nothing has changed! Although I’m off work today and I admit, the days I’m off, I do think about him more and also about contacting him. But again, I’m not too pushed today.

Im happy with my hair, I just feel, for a couple of months, I just about showered every day, so not that I have a bit of impetus to look a bit better, I might as well go with it! Even got the eye trio done at beauticians the other day too!

I did have to go to the dentist today and get a filling- but you know what? It’s all self care, even if drilling into teeth isn’t as fun as getting my hair done! It’s taking care of me!

I feel very much like you, even though we are in two very different places at the moment. I feel sort of ‘meh’…..I’m just not able to process much right now. I’m just kind of doing. Not thinking. Just doing. I don’t have the energy to figure out what’s going on with me. So i’m just holding steady I guess. In a state of abeyance you might call it!

I feel a little more down today, but I’m going to ride it out and see how the day goes. Perhaps tomorrow will be different. Let me know how the nose consultion goes!

Thanks for saying that Kkasxo. It’s true, I must admit it, even if I’m scared to. The absolute crippling need to contact him is not so strong at the moment. So I’ll take whatever positives I can!

It’s very difficult for you to make any progress when your ex won’t back off slightly and give you space. I know he can’t bare what’s been going on, but you have asked for space and he should respect that enough to allow you do what you need to do to feel any bit better rather than trying to satiate his own need to reach out to you and make him feel better.

It’s fantastic he’s reaching out for help, sounds like he definitely needs it too, let’s hope he follows through. I just think of my ex, who also reached out but then bailed on the idea.

Your friend is spot on. You don’t give yourself enough credit. There is NO WAY I’d be half as good as you are at surviving if I were in your position- that’s the truth. Well done. Well well done. Give yourself some praise- for a change- see how it feels.

I hope the consultation goes well tomorrow. I’m happy with my hair this eve so that’s another thing taken care of for a while at least. I’m a little anxious about an anniversary of someone very close coming up this weekend and meeting everyone in one place for a memorial. People I haven’t seen in a while who will ask where is my ex. The thoughts of it and also the thoughts of such a sad event and he’s not there to support me. It’s sad. But I’ll try and keep the chin up.

Kkasxo,

Yes I am now going to my sister’s hairdresser so I’m happy enough with the results, so it’ll do for now! I’m having a low moment myself today. I had to drive a colleague to a meeting earlier and I passed by lots of places I frequented with my ex and it just hurt, still hurts. I just want to go back to being an ‘us’, it just seems like such a waste and a pity to me.

Well done on each time you resist contacting your ex. It’s not at all silly to want to contact him, on the contrary, it seems completely normal as he has been the one to offer you comfort in your times of need for some years and he knows everything you are going through at the moment, more than anyone else in a way, so you want to speak to someone who can relate exactly. However in this instance, that person is not the one who can solve this. Only you can work it out with the support of those who truly want what’s best for YOU.

I’m a complete rookie….but can you tell me what non-surgical reshaping is????!!!! I’ve never heard of it but it sounds like something I could really use!

Kkasxo,

I absolutely understand what you mean when you describe the shut down. Makes total sense, especially when our brain is an entity that is there to protect us. Therapy can be great because there is no judgement, no hurt caused etc by telling a complete stranger who is just there to help. I find the things I learn in therapy seeping into all aspects of my life. Psychology to me really is mind blowing.

Having said that, I told my therapist last wk that I don’t want to be in therapy for years and i’d like to be off the anti anxiety medication and not need it some day. He reassured me that that’s very achievable.

Tonight I miss my ex again, but I feel distant from the situation at the moment- maybe my form of shutdown. The only phrase I can think of to describe myself lately is ‘I’m neither here nor there’….. it just means I dunno what I think or feel as such at the moment.

The trauma obviously has had a profound impact on you, I wonder would any therapies for PTSD be of any use? Btw, I don’t mean to bring it up to be a trigger for you, please feel free to talk about it as little or as much as you feel comfortable with. I think since I started posting I too have seen a change in you. You initially were solely surviving the break up and just managing. You are now faced with an avalanche of so much more and you’re coping better than when it was just the breakup, whether or not you can see that. You now are facing a multitude and understand yourself better in some ways. I hope that gives you some hope, however small.

I don’t know if I have actually grown or progressed as such. This is just a week where I’m a little more rational, but honestly, I think it could all be hormones. I really want to be with my ex, I’ll not deny that, the only reason I want to be self sufficient on my own is that I and those who love me CANNOT go through another breakdown with me. So I need to be stronger. We’ll see. I may cave in again. We spoke on NYE when he agreed to meet up in the coming week, but now I haven’t contacted him and kind of don’t want to in a way. My therapist had said that meeting him last time gave me more of an idea of where things lay, so in that sense it wasn’t a bad decision. So maybe, I am realising where things lie and now I don’t want to meet him because I don’t want my suspicions confirmed. Quite plausible for me if I’m honest.

Honestly Kkasxo, I would be there with you on the upcoming date if I could. You need kindness and understanding and support, so whatever I can give you online here, I will do. It is noble of you to want to protect your family, a truly kind person, an empath. Can i just throw in a little thorn? That is you again putting others needs before your own. You shouldn’t really be wearing that burden. My sister was so upset at my distress last autumn and she is pregnant so she was even more torn up and emotional and I worried about burdening her so much, but one day she said to me, ‘look, you need support, that’s what family is for. I care about you and want to help you so don’t worry about me or burdening me. If it gets too much for me on any given day or week, then I will tell you and I will look after myself first and there will be plenty other family members to step in until I’m strong enough again” and when she said that, it really put my mind at ease and eased some of the guilt.

I don’t think you will be as bad for this date as you are perhaps predicting. It will be horrendous, but you’re not the same woman you were last summer, you survived the darkest of hours….that means you’re stronger, it’s a fact, whether you acknowledge it or not. You also have a therapist to keep you on track and all of us on here who you can talk to day or night. Talking about it with your therapist, over time, will help you heal. You will heal, you’re self aware enough to get help and you’re strong and astute, though I completely understand you feel broken today.

As for work – it’s Jan 7th…..nobody is doing anything in work today!!!!!

Hi there,

Michelle, your contributions are ALWAYS most welcome and thank you for taking the time to consider our situations and offer guidance and advice. Like Kkasxo, I get a small glimmer of hope that I may make it through, given that you have done so.

Kkasxo,

Don’t be embarrassed? Who are you embarrassed around? Us? Surely not. Your friend? She doesn’t seem to be judging you. Embarrassment can only be caused around other people. One cannot be embarrassed on one’s own, so you maybe give too much weight to what other people think. A part of you wanted to try again with your ex because you love him. That was a part of you who choose to do that, a part of you. And don’t we have to love ALL parts of ourselves? Isn’t that self-love? The only one criticising the decision is yourself….or rather, your ‘Martha’ equivalent……the mean self critical voice. You did what you had to do at various times. Who is to say a decision is a bad one or a good one…my therapist always quotes and old fable which says any decision in life….whatever it may be….”good or bad, who’s to say”. If you did not do what you did, you may not have processed the way you needed to. To learn what you needed to learn.

I’m consciously trying to not beat myself as much over the decisions Im making lately. I feel if I’m going to make them anyway, how does been hard on myself help? It doesn’t. It just makes my anxiety worse.

Did you make it to work today?

Kkasxo,

You are you and she is she. Of course there are people in this world who get over breakups perhaps less painfully than you or I, but there are plenty just like us.

You love him more than anyone you have ever loved and the carpet has been pulled from under you. It’s normal and natural to express pain, to feel lost, to find it difficult to cope. Therapy has taught me that. I often ask my therapist why I’m suffering so badly and other people cope better and he says, I’m a highly sensitive person who just had the equivalent of a bus hitting me. If it were a bus, I’d be in traction in hospital for a long time, but when it’s emotional injury, we’re just supposed to smile and carry on? No, we’re entitled to our misery and no more berating yourself. Give your critical voice a name & personality. Mine is Martha….and she’s a right bee with an itch. So I’m glad your friend is coping how she knows best, but you cope how you know best.

Again, the questioning is normal. Once a decision is made, the consequences of that decision then unfold- the withdrawal. Yuck, but inevitable. I know I massively massively miss my ex, but I think I’ve managed to get through the brain chemistry withdrawal part, where you NEED to be with them, see them, talk to them etc. I say that now, but that could change again for me tomorrow.

My two cents ain’t worth much, but tbh, I think you made the right decision. For you, at that time. You HAVE been drained and exhausted and that didn’t involve a lot of true happiness. I’m not saying it can or can’t work out ever, but just for now, you went with the best decision you could based on the information available to you and your feelings.

Why are you doing this to yourself you ask? Because you love him, are very attached to him and want back what you once had. All natural reactions, so please go easier on yourself. You’re human and sensitive and kind and doing the best you can. x