Kkasxo,

Thanks for saying that. I understand that I am no longer suffering debilitating anxiety and pain so I accept, I have improved in that sense and for that I am grateful. However, I did think I was accepting, until I really thought about it and realised I’m not taking any action now…..because I think my subconscious or heart believes HE will!!!! I know right……..I’m certifiable! But it’s how I feel and I’m done listening to Martha. If it’s how I feel now, it’s how I feel. It may change, we shall see.

I miss him greatly tonight. I miss what we were. I miss him reaching for my hand at every opportunity. So we’ll see. I still don’t feel like the situation is done in the sense that I’ll not speak to him ever again. But I’m going more day by day  these days.

There is nothing wrong with contacting your ex. Did it make you ten times worse? I don’t get the feeling it did. Like the fable from my therapist….’Good or bad….who’s to say?’….it’s part of your process. It’s getting you where you need to be next.

Thats so so interesting that you have revealed that about your relationship. Three months ago, that relationship was like a Hollywood movie in your eyes, with some slight lack of future planning on his part, but now, it’s like you really see it, really understand it. You love him, but problems exist and sometimes love isn’t enough. Holy smokes, I think that’s a bit of a massive leap in your growth. A therapist might give you a gold star!

The contact also confirmed something which would have caused you anxiety- the date- but now he’s confirmed he’ll be there. So again, not such a bad outcome from communication.

Your life is not a car crash. Truly. It’s complicated because ya humans are complex. We’re not black and white and when we open our hearts to love and growth, there are risks which can emerge. But we’re all just trying to be happy. X

Katie,

I just read your post and I’m so sorry you’re sad and in pain. It is so difficult. So all I can say is this- you broke up for some reason. Something inside you made you do it. You were not being fulfilled in some way and that’s what caused the action I think. However, you were together 5 years- it was never not gonna hurt.

You miss being with him every day, seeing him, talking to him, cuddling him. You miss being in that relationship, having him as your person. This is all normal and natural. Trust me. Normal. The pain- I’m afraid that’s normal too. If you felt no pain, the last 5 years wouldn’t have meant much to you. You feel pain because you feel/felt love.

If this breakup has shown you the light and you realise it was a mistake because you were BLISSFILLy happy and if you get back together you will be fulfilled and beyond happy again, then great. It has taught you something. However, do you think deep deep down, there would still be something amiss? Something just not making you the level of happy you thought you could be? Of course you’d be back together and doing all the fun things again, but would it eventually end up back here? Because some things didn’t change?

I have no clue what the answers might be, I’m just trying to help you as best I can. It’s 4 months since my ex split with me due to what I think is his reason- push came to shove and he couldn’t meet my needs. But it’s still hard. I miss him everyday. It hurts. But it honestly is less acute than the first two months, I promise.

I wish you all the warmth and support in the world right now.

Kkasxo,

That in itself is you growing? You would always have tried to look after him, essentially putting him first- the same as me. I always put my ex before myself. But now, you’re showing up for yourself. It doesn’t make you a bad person, it makes you a better person.

You’re moving along this process whether you realise it or not. Enjoy just resting up this evening and not having to drain what little energy you have.

Im still using the account he set up for me on his Netflix (eek), to watch some light hearted comedy tonight. Sleep soon though hopefully!

Oh you are definitely emotionally and physically drained. You need to get a good wholesome meal into you later and a bath and early night. If you don’t feel much like eating during the day, try apples or oranges or something small like that. I find little yoghurts are good too just to be you ticking over.

I’m tired myself today, hopefully I will feel a bit more energised after it and sleep better tonight!

NoSoLostStar,

Perhaps you are right and in a sense that kind of makes me more sad….that I might be accepting it…and eventually let it go. It’s almost heartbreaking and I feel like it’s such a waste. I don’t see yet what I have learned, just the loss of many things. But perhaps that will come in time.

I will continue to think further about travel. Before I met him it was the thing that gave me the most motivation but now I don’t know how I feel about it!

I will definitely get that book, I love anything that opens up my mind or gives me different perspective. Thank you so much.

Kkasxo,

I think feelings are likes waves or cycles…you got ten hours or so without thinking about him, which is amazing, but it’s inevitable that your feelings wil ebb and flow and you will want to reach out again. Michelle makes a really good point, you asked you ex for space. If he truly loves you, he will respect that, because it’s what’s best for YOU and not what he NEEDS right now. True love is wanting the best for the person you love and the best for you now is to have space so you can heal. He seems to just be in attachment mode and is panicking. Not dissimilar to ourselves a while back actually, but he has to push through too and turn to himself rather than you to bail him out of the feelings he’s feeling right now.

Michelle,

I have been feeling exhausted the past while. I go to bed now super early and even last night I had about 11 or 12 hours sleep and I’m still depleted. I think it might be a touch of depression because there is no other physical reason for the tiredness. Or emotional drainage perhaps. Sometimes I feel I wish I could just close my eyes and not have to wake up and that’s me done. Not is a suicidal way, don’t worry. But I feel done. I find it difficult to believe that future happiness awaits me and I feel that my time has run out or something, so perhaps that’s where the weariness is coming from! I have therapy later, so hopefully I can discuss it more fully there.

Grounded,

I know how it feels to be so hurt. It’s crippling. I definitely don’t think you should wait around though for his answer if your ex has been ‘seeing’ other people. That’s just not fair. Well done for trying to focus on yourself, hopefully we will all come out the better end of this whole ordeal and leave our exes in the dust. x

Kkasxo,

Your ex is probably where you were some time ago and can’t resist the contact and feels he will sink without you. But this is a good time for him to put action behind his words and try therapy and really prove that he’s trying to change. Like Michelle said, time for a new approach to get a new outcome! Well done on refraining from contact, you need this time without too much extra drama.

Yes, the other guy trying to go to the cinema with me has stated that he completely understands it’s just as friends and it’s hard to be too blunt with him as he is genuinely the sweetest little fellow and wouldn’t hurt a fly, but I fear at some stage (without any conceit on my part), that he may fall again for me, just because I’m a woman and I’m kind to him. He tends to latch on to anyone who shows any interest, even platonic. I will decline his invite or request it to be a group outing I think.

In my opinion, it has always paid off in my past to go for the more expensive option if they have the results to back it up. Sometimes, you DO get what you paid for and I’d not skimp on things like facial procedures, hair cuts or cars. I think they’re too important, so go with your gut, even if it’s a more expensive option, provided you can allow for the extra cost.

Michelle,

I always welcome your input and sometimes I wonder to myself, how on earth can I eventually end up like Michelle. Then I think to myself, she must be different to me, more resilient, different circumstances etc. It seems like a distant dream that I could ever be happy again. However, at the moment, I’ll take meh and somewhat sad. It’s better than excrutiating pain I guess. I feel I’m accepting the end of the relationship more the past few days and it’s making me very sad and feel low. But who knows?!

I have therapy again tomorrow, so hopefully that will shed some light.