Hi all,

So sorry for delayed response. I’ve taken the work promotion and I feel like there are literally no enough hours in teh day nowadays, I don’t take lunch breaks and barely respond to texts! It’s full on, but I’m hoping it’s only while I find my feet.

Not much time to go into detail….I will try at a quieter time but for now – Sammy, message your ex for his birthday if you feel like it. You are not on bad terms, it can be a generic enough text but nice to just wish him well without any further expectation out of it.

Lucie, I hope the ginger biscuits help, but Kkasxo is right, the nausea reduces when the anxiety reduces – so some methods to reduce that might be the best option. Fresh air, walk, journal and watch funny videos on youtube sometimes helps me.

Danny,

Kkasxo and I often are of the one mind….I literally thought reading your post ‘Hurt people Hurt people’!

I don’t think you are a player, i think you’re playing at being a player. You’re the kid from your childhood. We do the best we can…..until we know better. The  we do better.

B deserves an apology but for HER sake, not yours. It may help you feel better to apologise but it can’t be for that sole reason you do it. It should be to give what you describe as a wonderful woman, some peace.

You have work to do on yourself. Sometimes people are brought into our lives as journey mates, maybe they’re there to show is something we needed to learn, might not mean they are meant to stay. You’ll be okay. This is all learning and growth and self awareness, hang in there.

Hi Sammy,

Holy moley….like…wtf?!! Am I surprised though…hmmm..nope! This is very habitual behaviour apparently in cicurmstances like the ones you and I have found ourselves in with our two exes.

There could be attachment behaviours going on on his part too, who knows. But at the end of the day, YOU contacted him. He indirectly enquired about you, but he obviously hadn’t enough work done on himself to pick up the phone and make direct contact – in the mode of Tim.

So he may be having some realisations lately, he maybe experiencing attachment issues but there is not enough there to indicate that he has made real substantial change. He still comes across from what you’ve written as immature or young boy – panicking now a bit for whatever reason. If it’s meant to be and he really demonstrates change and growth and wisdom, I’m sure you will find you way back to each other, but the person he is currently doesn’t seem to be good enough for the wonderful, insightful, strong person you have become. I don’t have contact with my ex now really, except for the odd bday text maybe or New Years wish. The other exes, we just drifted….not ill will, but we weren’t really friends. The ones I’ve stayed friends with…I’ve written previously as to why.

The family thing must have been so difficult. That was one of the biggest things for me….his parents. They adored me and I them. They were so happy when we reunited. I felt lost without his Mum…..especially when my own mum had passed away, his mum sort of filled that role somewhat. It was heartbreaking, but I genuinely have to say that the attachment I had to them has eased. I still think of them and hope they are well and safe and miss them, but it’s definitely not what it was when things were so intense and upsetting after the initial goodbye. I feel you can get to that place too.

As for me, the boyfriend is being very sweet and forward about his feelings too. I’m adjusting. It’s a lot to take in and I’m not used to it (from the ex). I really like being with him and find I feel like we’ve been together ages, even though it has been a short time. I’m learning more about him daily and he about me. I worry when I go back to the city for work again, things may change or it’ll be hard again, but I’m hoping we’ll be in a much better place than when I first started the new job.

Oh speaking on the insanely intense job….sorry for my delayed responses….I barely even get to text back family these days I’m so busy! But anyway today the owner called me up and said the guy to kind of trained me in….not exactly my direct superior…but over most of the company…has resigned and the boss wants me to more or less take over running the company!!!Arghhhhh….you cannot make this stuff up! My head is spinning, but I’m actually taking some annual leave for a couple of days next week so I’m looking forward to tuning out a bit over a long weekend!

Lucie…my heart goes out to you. I remember going into work in my old job each morning and literally holding one arm over my tummy as I sat at my computer as my tummy would be heaving from the anxiety. I would awake at 5 am (early work shift) and it wouldnt be until after 12noon where I felt I could eat anything. Again, stick to small bits and pieces, even if you feel nausea…because it’s a vicious cycle, an empty stomach will increase anxiety as the stress hormones will be pulsing through it. Any chocolate bar helps give energy, that one was just the one I could stomach at the time…Kinder Bueno also!

Magnesium is a supplement I take to regulate the nervous system too – I find it helps with sleep and maybe anxiety.

In healthfood stores in the homeopathy section – there is a natural homeopathic remedy called arsenic album – my therapist recommended it and sometimes it really helps just take that very sharp edge off the anxiety. But again I’m not a medical practitioner or expert on anything like that, so always get legitimate advice from those who know.

Hi Sammy,

Things in work are still intense, but I ate today- so that’s good! I feel some days like I’m getting the hang of the new job & other times, like I’m back to square one. I’ll persevere though, now is not the time to give up an income!

The tablets have definitely helped me not spiral beyond what I can manage. I still get anxious, but a ‘normal’ level – if that makes sense?! Not like a month ago where I was teetering on the edge of sanity! So I manage now, albeit with a bit more of a struggle this week due to hormones.

I can understand what you mean about the physical side of relationships and its importance and what it means to you. I do get the sense though that whatever behaviour your ex displayed was somewhat not conscious. I don’t think he realised at the time, I don’t think he had the self awareness or maturity to realise. However, it seems now he is willing to face up to some stuff and that will be his journey.
Yours is learning and growth. You have learned so much already and grown.

I don’t know if there is much point staying in contact, but whatever you choose will be right for you. I was so ensconced in my ex’s family/circle, I thought the world had nearly ended when we split as I cared about all of them too and wouldn’t see them again. Time moved on, my life has moved ever further away from those contacts who were so close to me before. But things have drifted, I don’t have the same attachment to them that I once did. We don’t stay in contact now and that’s ok. There’s no ill will or awkwardness, it’s just that part of my life was then and this is now and him and his family are not part of my now, so that’s my rationale.

But everyone is different & you do what sits best in your gut.

Relationship is good. But it’s a bubble at the moment (with working from (his) home & Covid) . So who knows what will happen down the road. Things will eventually change I guess

Sammy,

How are you doing? What an ordeal? Wow. To be honest, it’s so similar to previous experiences I’ve had, a lot of what happened and what was said resonated with me. I don’t know if he even knew what he was doing by meeting up with you, I don’t think he knows where or what he is at.

I am so proud of you for asking him to leave, for stating that you realise you don’t fit together now. That’s incredible. I could never have done that. In fact, three times, I didn’t! I just absorbed the breadcrumbs in those kinds of conversations and ignored the glaring dialogue which revealed we didn’t belong together. So kudos to you.

There was a lot of anger there for you that you obviously needed to express. I hope you feel better now, that you feel like it was worth it. There is a lot to process now, do you think you will be able to move on?

Hi Sammy,

Sorry I’ve been delayed in responding, my new job is kicking the formidable out of me! I barely get time to eat a sandwich at lunch!

How are you doing, still taking it day by day? I hope so, because I am well aware you are capable of it.

As for your ex, there is no judgement. I felt that overwhelming need to see my ex and did so several times, despite putting it off, the need remained within me and I knew it would eventually happen.

In some ways at that time, yes it did set me back, but I feel it was setbacks that were necessary for me. I would have constantly thought about contacting him anyway, even if I had not chosen to do it, so I felt, oh well…it’ll be a trainwreck, but I might aswell do it now and stop eating myself up with indecision for the next couple of months!

Evidently I needed to contact my ex several times before I could move on. Others on here might argue that I would have moved on quicker had I not made contact, but this was my path. I obviously needed to reconcile three times, to reach my limit.

Don’t worry if you decide to get in contact, but bear in mind that even the suggestion of it has brought up all kinds of big emotions in you. Your sobriety and survival is the most important thing, so think about how a meeting or contact with the ex might effect that and as always, no judgement here – whatever you choose. x

Tim,

Take care and thanks for all you input. Kind generous person. x

@kkasxo – HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!! I’m so sorry I’m late, it’s been a hectic couple of months – how did you find it? Do you have any exciting news or developments in your life? I’d love to hear from you x

Hi Sammy,

How are you doing? Is your period of self isolation over yet? Hopefully it has and the worst of the weather has passed so you can get out and about again….

Sammy,

You are surviving. Maybe not how you want to survive, but you’re surviving and sometimes that’s an accomplishment. It’s difficult facing loneliness, facing internal emotions, wounds….believe me I know. But I think you can come up with another plan, one that doesn’t require alcohol. You come across as an astute clever self-aware woman, so I feel confident that you can put together a new routine. How long more until the self isolation period ends? What do you plan to do this weekend, could you read a book from beginning to end or perhaps bake something? Or could you do an aerobic workout session from youtube?

We are all here at the end of the keyboard if you need us. I didn’t mention much about the new guy in my last post for two reasons – firstly, it didn’t seem that important versus a more serious concern you have about avoiding alcohol and I wanted to just give you support/advice and secondly haven spoken with the therapist, he pointed out that no relationship can survive the scrutiny of being under a telescope all the time (which I always do), so I’m working on it and just trying to enjoy it day to day for the moment – we’ll see how it goes.

Tim,

My heart is with you. Truly. You’re a lovely kind human being and Rupert was lucky to have you as a friend. You will be okay, but right now the grief is painful and you need to do whatever you need to do. I hope that with time and the lovely support you surround yourself with, that the pain will lessen and the smiles will get bigger at the fond memories.

Lucie,

You’re incredible! Well done, you’re making steps in the right direction all the time. Every baby step, even if you think it’s small, is a baby step in the right path. Keep it up, the baby steps add up to big steps eventually. You are a kind, warm and smart person and I’m glad this thread can help in some small way.

Rhaenys

The anxiety and mild panic attacks are yuck. An I know how you feel, I’m 37 about to turn 38, so I’m feeling the pressure – and in fairness it’s a biological pressure I guess, not society as such for me, but the scientific fact of having a female body….my choice is ever dwindling. But that’s life I guess and I try to tell myself that I’ve arrived where I am today, because I was meant to arrive. The medication is so light its barely perceptible but I do feel its taken the slightly out of control anxiety edge off. Who knows it might just be a placebo, but I’m going with it!

I hope to get a nice long walk in somewhere to get some fresh air this weekend – never underestimate the power of nature!

Be safe and well all.

Rhaenys – thank you also for your insights and for reaching out to help people on this thread.

It has proven a lifesaver for me on many occasions.

Quick update on me for all: I had a chat with my GP and due to the level of change in my life right now…it’s overwhelming me a little, not to mention covid being a constant threat, so I’m going back on a very light dosage of my anti-anxiety tablet for a couple of months until I have the bandwidth to cope with everything I’m going through.

I’m happy enough to do so because it gives me the slightest reprieve. I don’t stop feeling or anything like that, I still have all the feels and get anxious etc, but it is taking the nasty edge of – it has stopped my hands shaking as my body was wracked with anxiety going to work in the mornings for example. Plus it doesn’t have any side effects for me and I know it’s a useful short term measure for me. I’ve managed a year probably at this stage now without any medication and it’s been fine, but at the moment, it’s extraordinary circumstances.

I’ll let you know how I’m going. I’m beginning to see the crazy fog lift the tiniest amount which is good and working from home is helping me too, so fingers crossed.