Kkasxo,

Well now…..if I fell suddenly ill like that, I think I would contact him too. It’s at your weakest and most vulnerable, of course you’d naturally want someone to look after you. Do not be angry at yourself. You’re doing the best you can right? Who is anyone to say it’s the wrong move? Maybe there are no wrong moves? I’ve been thinking when people talk about ‘the process’….that it’s one particular specific process and everyone makes their way through it. But actually now I’m thinking ‘the process’ is probably different for every single human being.

In other words, you’re doing your best. No more criticising yourself. It’s not a step back, it’s just another step in the process, whichever way it goes.

I’m on the floor tonight. I’m so very very sad. So I went to the cinema with that guy from my ancient past I once had a sort of romantic encounter with. I thought we both know it’s just as friends and I’ve been to see films with a few male mates and it’s totally cool. It was not this evening. He a lovely guy but I felt really uncomfortable. I just didn’t want to be there. I felt he leaned a little too close towards my side in the cinema, but that could have been my imagination.

At one point he merely placed his hand on his own knee and it reminded me of my ex when he would always have his hand on my knee, in cinema, driving, watching tv…and I had to fight back tears…..then I felt like throwing up and I just wanted the film to end.

I’m back to feeling like my ex genuinely was the one and I’ll never ever meet anyone who comes close again.

Hi there,

We’re having such a lovely time. I get such a sense of fulfilment when I see people I love happy! She is enjoying the rest and the break so much!

I do wear glasses Victoria, just for computer work, but perhaps I need to start wearing them while on the phone. My screen time has definitely increased since the breakup too. So another downside of the breakup- an eye twitch!!!!

Well done and trying to remember your boundaries with your Mum. It doesn’t happen overnight, it takes time and practice- see Kkasxo! But keep at it and soon it’ll be a habit for you.

I definitely think working towards the career you want is self love- perhaps something I should practice myself. But set the intention of catching up on schoolwork this week and really throwing yourself into finding a part time job!

As for your ex, maybe try blocking him on social media, just for one week and see does the lack of contact help with the withdrawal?

Kkasxo,

Well done on the boundaries, excellent approach!im getting ready to head away with my sister but definitely the feelings are coming back, or as I said before hormone related- so maybe just amplified for the next week or so.

I had a terrible nights sleep again and I definitely have to speak to my therapist about sorting that out because it’s not sustainable long term.

I am also going to limit my online activity to tiny Buddha this weekend and see if it helps the twitch in my eye and the craziness in my head!!

Hi there,

Sorry for delay, my data network was acting up! I’m thinking a lot more about my ex tonight than the past while. But today I tried to recall a memory of being with him that was so vivid a couple of months ago, but I couldn’t focus it. It seemed hazy or foggy. This is obviously what your head does to help you through the grief process. If you last through no contact, the withdrawal starts to ease? I dunno.

I still feel like I’m not doing much with my life atm. Working and sleeping. Seeing friends and family, but nothing to change or improve my life as such. I vary between being so pissed off at him for not knowing what he had, to questioning did he lie about how much he cared for me along. It’s a spinning web!

Victoria,

I agree, going from 100% to nothing is cruel but I guess people the world over have gone through harsh separations like ours and survived, so I’m hoping the sense of loss will ease.

There is nothing you can do about this past week but starting next week, maybe try and start working on self care again. I believe this includes attending lectures, because it’s about your future, your career, your path to freedom in a way. What’s more important than that kind of self love?!

Kkasxo,

Well done on not reaching out, you are doing amazing. I know it still hurts. I know. But there is change…..initially you thought you would never be happy again. Now you admit you probably will be. Breakthrough! Well done. Take each day as it comes.

Kkasxo,

Wow, that is extreme! He definitely couldn’t control himself so in terms of contact. It’s funny, because if a woman did that to a man, the way he has been towards you the past couple of weeks, the man would be completely turned off I’d say and everyone would be calling the ex a bit nuts. That just struck me. Such double standards in this world!

I am very glad he seems to believe he has reached a new outlook on life. However, there is a caveat. Anything can be said in desperate times. To be honest, a few years ago when I reconciled with my ex, I wanted to be with him so bad, I thought the stuff I wanted didn’t matter as much as we’d be fine. Clearly it emerged again, so I’d definitely wait to see the proof of the pudding.

You’re doing great though, coming across as a strong, well-contained woman and rationally assessing everything, even if you feel you’re on a rollercoaster! Good for you!

So basically, I can seriously FEEL the slight tide of need to contact my ex seeping back in today. Making me thing it IS hormone related as yesterday, I had no will to do so. Im not going to do anything about it as it’s only very slight at the moment, but it’s there nonetheless…and back and forth I go again in this process!

Also I went to fix my phone at lunch and passed a bookstore where there was a big stand of Valentines muck right by the door and I got a fright! Wow, an actual fright! I suppose I wasn’t expecting it, I don’t think too far ahead these days! But it gave me a pang of sadness I’m not gonna lie”

Oh also….if you have headphones…. this song reminded me of your situation…don’t listen if you don’t feel like it!

https://youtu.be/fXuo7nk7tQ4

Kkasxo,

Uh oh….I hear Martha!!! No kicking butts, unless it’s your ex haha! Do you want to know when I started to…improve….or maybe not improve….but not feel as bad….was when I stopped kicking myself in the head, for not being where I am supposed to be or feeling what I ‘should’ be feeling, or moving on quick enough. The anxiety and upset started to slowly drift when I would shrug my shoulders and say…ok…I am where I am….I’m not going to be mean to myself about it. So maybe give it a go for a few weeks and see if it helps at all.

You are no loser…..It’s an acknowledged truth that a break up that is straight forward can take about 18 months to heal from, maybe even two years. That’s without a major trauma like you had, so if you ask me, you ain’t doing so bad on the timelime at all! I’m glad therapy is helping, it does work over time because as I explained in the beginning, my therapist says emotion comes from a latin word which means outward. Feelings are meant to be expressed outward, so you’re doing great.

Of course you don’t want to move on…..before last summer was awesome!!! An if that were still a possibility you’d be silly to let it go! I was the same, I wanted all the times he held my hand or cuddled me or called me, but that was JUST the good times. It also included being let down and disappointed when we couldn’t move forward, so if I got it back, those elements would still be part of it. You can’t go back Kkasxo I’m afraid, Pandora’s box has been opened and your relationship can’t ever be the same as before last Summer again. Maybe it could be new and better, but it can’t be the same, because you’re no longer the same people ye were in Jan 2018.

I have begged my therapist for ways of putting my myriad of feelings back into Pandora’s box, when I protected myself against risk or fear my whole life…but he giggles and says, nope, no can do! It’s out and it’s better out!!! So the effort continues!