Hi kkasxo,

So I have a small Nokia pay as you go phone for emergencies because my smartphone is a Work phone and there is no network coverage where I live, so people can message me through the internet but not call me on my number. Anyway, what’s the point you ask?! The past week I have been turning off my smartphone when going to bed, completely turning it off and just having my Nokia on silent in case of emergencies. It’s super old- no internet etc on it and no-one messages me on it. I think it has helped me sleep a little better. I don’t feel this draw in my sleep to wake up and check my phone. So anyway, it’s just an idea!

Michelle,

I was sad and hurt reading what you wrote this morning – wait…….this is not a criticism!!!!! Thank you so much for posting. You are 100% right. What you said, it’s the truth. I was only sad and hurt not by you, but by him. He didn’t think I was worth fighting for. Im actually so mad. But sad too. So I’m here. Knowing that, but still feeling broken and lost without him. I’m not sure how to get over this.

Id love to think in October we’ll be so much better. Perhaps Kkasxo will because she’s experiencing so much change right now. I feel O have plateau-ed. My mindset and heart are not changing- I don’t see anyone better than him in terms of the connection we had and his personality and I think I’m done now. So get used to what you’ve left Shelby. Depressing but true.

Thank you for your honesty, you’re right. We do need to hear these things. I have so much respect for you for saying it, even it I’m sad now. Sometimes I do genuinely feel like flying away somewhere, but I guess my heartbreak comes with me.

Kkasxo,

You are inside my head!!!! It wasn’t a good enough reason for me to process. What if what if what if is too loose an end for me. Ugh, maybe one day I’ll shrug and be over it. But today is not that day.

I hate needles too but having suffered chronic pain for years, I guess I had to get over it eventually so I just look completely in the opposite direction and they usually ask me silly questions to distract me. You did really well to go on your own, you little diamond! No help from ex needed!! Success!

Nowhere exciting for me- it was a meeting I had to attend for work on behalf of my boss. But I did have a nice steak lunch!! I’m tired now though, travelling tires me.

I had time to think as I gazed out the train window. I just wonder will I ever be happy. Will I ever have a feeling with someone better than the feeling with my ex and the resounding belief I still have is no. But I’ll give my therapist the benefit of the doubt for now. I can imagine you are so sick of feeling terrible. It’s exhausting. But maybe it’ll just take some more time I’m afraid….

Kkasxo,

You definitely sound like me, a couple of years ago during our first breakup. Very quickly it became so much bigger than heartbreak, with the dark thoughts and anxiety and freaking out. At one point, I’m pretty sure I didn’t even remember my ex because I had got so caught up in an emotional crisis. It became bigger than the breakup and I was scared. My hands shook when I put cereal in my bowl each morning. I had to take sick leave from work for a couple of months, see a therapist twice a week, take medication. I’ll never forget my Dad. He had never been to a supermarket, I know right!!! But my mum used to do that and then I took up the chore. So one day, I was bad, I was taking Xanax which I now realise does NOT agree with me and I felt like dying. I thought I’d end up in a psychiatric institution. I actually can’t believe I’m revealing all of this, but nonetheless, if it helps you to understand…. Anyway, he put on his ‘good’ clothes, got some shopping bags and packed me into the car to go to Tesco!!! I’m not kidding, him pushing a trolley and picking up everything on EVERY shelf asking me what it was used for was the a moment in my life where I could not have loved that man more! He did it for me, he tried something to help and it worked. I felt safe with him and I started to see out of the tunnel. I immediately stopped taking Xanax and started to improve.

Medication is not for everyone but I think sometimes we suffer enough in life and if there os something that will help us see the light at the end of the tunnel, we should help ourselves on a temporary basis! When we are low, sad, broken, our brain doesn’t make enough serotonin. That has consequences, we need serotonin to be happy. My GP gave me a serotonin booster to help add a few extra serotonin piles to my bank. To let me see out of the woods and then I could start working on the rest myself. But the type of medication is n.b. A long term antidepressant for serious clinical depression would not have suited my scenario.

I am so proud of you for already bouncing back. Do you see how much quicker you a recovering from your spirals now that 3 months ago even??? Yes you still get them, but the time between them is getting longer and the impact they have on you is shortening- recognise that!

Routine is key. My therapist made me make a plan for each day, to get up, shower, go for a walk, cook dinner etc, so well done, you’re already on that path!

Btw, it’s a rubbish time of year, everyone feels rubbish, so do not beat yourself up for it. You’re also engaging in lots of therapy- TINY BUDDHA is therapy- talk therapy, which is just as effective as any other! You’re helping yourself all the time! Even when you have wobbles (natural), you continue to help yourself. Now that is self love! No books or blogs needed!

Michelle,

Im not sure where Norfolk is, forgive my geographical ignorance, but I feel it sounds lovely! Like something from Downton Abbey or something! I live within driving distance of the sea, which I feel I will always need to do because I’m drawn to it so much.

I want to thank you for your kind and generous words on here. But sometimes I fear I’m not as strong as you perceive. I WISH I was standing up for myself, but in honesty, I’m probably not trying to get back with my ex merely because I know he doesn’t want to. Not because I know my worth. Sad but true. I’d probably get back with him tomorrow if I could. Sometimes I feel I will contact him again soon. I don’t know. These urge seem to co-incide with hormones! The joys of being a woman!

I’m on a train today, I haven’t been on a train in ages! I don’t think I was ever on a train with my ex! So I’m trying to get back to being the independent woman I used to be when I traveled to Africa and USA alone and was strong!

Kkasxo,

I completely understand and empathise with you. Ok firstly, I increased the serotonin booster medication. My GP has been with me since I was young so he wasn’t someone who was just shoving pills into my hand. He said that I’m just going through a tough time where I can’t see out of the fog and the medication just helps me clear the haze until I’m able to do it on my own.

My therapist also felt it was a good decision and smart and self care. He said for highly sensitive people all of the emotion all at once can be overwhelming so the medication helps me to get a grip on it. Within 8 days, I literally looked back on myself and thought ‘wow, how was I even IN that darkest of places’. Also my therapist says he sees no reason why I need to be on it long term, so we’ll look at reducing the dose again in a couple of months.

Secondly, perspective. A big big part of it. So…a spiral is in our heads. The world becomes what is in our heads. Our truth becomes what’s in our heads. It’s not true of course, but you can’t see that at the time. So that dark dark day, when I went for a walk, I saw the countryside, I saw the leaves on the trees, I saw my neighbours, I saw people going about there business. THIS was real life, not what my mind was telling me. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t skip gleefully back home that evening, but getting out of my head, stopping the spiral in its tracks by physically moving just seemed to keep me from the brink.

Can I just add a sidenote, you said something funny, well more incorrect. Yes your family suffered pain, but no because of you. Nothing was because of you. The trauma caused them pain, what happened caused them pain- something u admit was completely out of your control so it was something that happened TO all of you not BECAUSE of you. There is no blame. Also, do you know what unconditional love is? I do, I have it for my family, especially my baby nephew. I would do anything for him, I’d give my life for him, because I love him. However, that love comes with risks….if I open my heart to love him, he might get sick, he might run in front of a car, he might choke, these are all associated with love, but it’s worth it. Your family loves you, something happened which they too must deal with, but they are still standing too aren’t they??? After all the pain, they too found their own survival methods. So don’t worry about trying to protect them too much, they love you and that’s why it hurts them. But they’ll be able for it. x

Kkasxo,

Sorry I’ve been away from my desk at meetings and just back. Tell me about the spiral….what happens? Let’s take the scariness out of it, that’s what my therapist says.NOTHING can hurt you, I promise, you are safe, in a building which won’t fall down or on the edge of a cliff or facing a gun, you WILL BE ok. So let’s see if we can shake some of the fear from the spiral.

I’m giving you a hug right now. I truly am, you will be ok. Can I tell you something? The thoughts you are having are lies. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m by no means saying you are lying, but I’ve had those exact spirals…I have. I recognise them so well. It’s fear and pain twisting your mind. Telling you you won’t ever get better, it’s simply not true. You can, it is very possible.

So basically, from what little I know about healing and psychology, you endured the most painful thing you have ever felt in your life. To move on, you will have to feel that pain, every debilitating, shattering, excruciating piece of it. Remember my analogy about the thorn and you can spend your whole life moving about trying to avoid anyone bumping off the thorn or navigating ways to manage the pain from the thorn, but that’s not a great life. If you pull out the thorn, if hurts like a beeeeeeeep, but it’s gone forever and you don’t have to worry about it anymore.

You only started therapy recently, I have been going to therapy for years – it can take time. Emotional issues are deep rooted and just need a good bit of work and time…..but hey…you’re 26….you’ve got time right? Let’s say I said to you, Kammy, if you’re willing to work hard, your pain will be gone by the time you turn 30, would you do it? I think you would, you’d hate the sh*t for 4 years, but think of the other 60 or 70 years you have left after that that would get to be amazing!

Don’t let your mind fool you, you can withstand this. We’re here with you and you are most certainly not alone, I can assure you. Kick Martha’s ass, it’s a bad week, you’re letting the pain in ever so slightly more, but I’ve been told that a millennia old mechanism that protects us ensures we don’t let in any more can we can survive at any given time. I have faith in you.

Michelle,

Sorry I meant to answer you further. He maintains it’s that he’s ‘not cut out’ for ANY relationship. My therapist feels if I quelled the need for more, we probably could have stayed together long term, with nothing more on offer, but meeting as we had been doing for the previous four years. For me now, I question everything that was said. Was he not as happy as he appeared to be with me etc? My head is fuzzy and my heart is broken!

Kkasxo,

That makes sense, I’m not happy doing ANYTHING at the moment and certainly don’t feel good about myself. To say I’m surviving is about the most I can muster now, strong, sensible independent woman is not something I feel right now, but would love to have that opinion.

Im missing my ex massively. It’s so hard because when we’re together it’s just easy…in a way….I’m happy. But when I think about it overall, obviously I was not, because I wanted more. But I adored being with him when it wasn’t frustrating and I still can’t figure out why I can’t DO something or CHANGE something to make this work between us.

Michelle,

He said he found being in a relationship really difficult, he didn’t believe it would be as hard as it was. He never explored why. That would have required some sort of discussion with a therapist. All we can do is surmise. My therapist feels he was absolutely terrified and also had an obligation to his family of origin that started when he was much younger which does not allow him to build himself his own separate life. Who knows. I know I just miss him deeply. I am still trying to create bad elements to him, but personality-wise, he is still the best man I have ever known. Kind, caring, generous, chivalrous, respectful, passionate. Anyway, i’m going down a rabbit hole, so I best stop now!

Kkasxo,

In fairness to my mate, he has not expressed any romantic interest, so I could just be running off with my imagination. Either way, I didn’t enjoy it. Also, while the weekend was nice, I still felt so lonely. I loved being there with my sister but would have also loved being back there with my ex. I definitely know I am not in acceptance mode because I still hear in the barrels of heart echoing around, that we might still be together yet. How looney am I?

Do you have more peace with or without your ex? Remember, our minds are complicated things and sometimes we can be sabotaging too when we don’t know we are and fear could also be controlling us when we believe we’re in control!

P.S- I hope you’re ok. Tummy bug massively going around. Trying drinking cooled boiled water.